that one thing that makes you smile

so. went home this weekend... and i have to say as much as I love my family, I am SO ready to be outta that house. It was interesting, J said that he kinda understands why I make things all about me a lot... its because its never about me at home. My entire life my sister has taken up the air in any room, and my parents (at least my mother) hasn't really done much but feed that fire... and I am just so ready to be outta there... like woah... lol.

and things are moving along with J and I as well.... and for once I am not super scared about it. I mean its scary and its wonderful and amazing all at the same time... we shall see how things go...

the internship is going ok, keeping busy and all that... im kinda happy that itll be over relatively soon... im ready to get paid for this work as well as not have to speak spanish. lol. but its going ok. I just got my business cards today, I am kinda excited. :-) let me know if you want one!

im off to bed now... ive been awake for way too long plus i got woken up like 4 times last night...

that IS of course, if my fucking roommate would shut the fuck up... lol. we shall see how that one goes... cause she is LOUD AS FUCK.

night y'all

i hate this month.

oy vey, and now my roommates are coming home... lol.

well one of them.

so. big news... jay and I have now celebrated two years!! woo hoo go us. people tell me thats a long time, but i dunno. im happy tho, and we are growing, so yea... :-)


i miss my friends. not that i dont have some here, but i miss just being able to call people up and meet in like 5 min. plans here take a lot longer to put together. and its annoying. lol. i also have been feeling like i wanna be home... i dunno.

i feel like i need some sorbetto.

work is going pretty ok, i miss people, but its ok. its pretty easy to just fuck around all day which is kinda nice. its gonna be interesting on the 31st of March, since I am going to have to register for classes while at work most likely. FUN TIMES.

I really wish I didn't get so tired so early. lol. i can't wait to live with a bunch of people I actually like tho. lol. that'll be good.

mmm sorbetto.

So here I am in Washington... figured i'd update...

So I work with the Trust for the Americas... a non-profit associated with the Organization for the American States, which is essentially like a UN for this hemisphere. It's actually looking like a pretty nifty job to work at, working on the dinner gala the night before the Summit of the Americas, a big conference with all of the heads of state of the western hemisphere countries. It's gonna be Obama's first overseas trip. And I think I might actually be going... (it's in trinidad and tobago this year). we shall see about that whole trip.

the roommate situation was going well. and then i got a roommate as well. in my tiny tiny ass room, that two people really shouldnt be living in. but oh well. I definitely don't feel as horrible about it as i did that first night. which is a good thing i suppose. will make stuff way more liveable. She had a bf, which woulda been nice cause then she'd be sympathetic, but apparently they just broke up last night, so I don't know how that is gonna affect things around here.

Inauguration is on Tuesday, and honestly, although I am super excited about that, I still kinda feel like I don't want 4 million people flocking to my city. I have no plans to leave my apartment for more than just dinner this weekend. No thank you ma'am. Its going to be CRAZY. and I like people, but not that much. hahaahhaah


on the boyfriend front, hes back in the country which is unbelieveable awesome, and he told me how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, which is even more awesome. and everyone keeps telling me how two years (16 days!) is like a super long time, but i dunno. I don't feel like its been that long. not that i feel like we have moved super fast or nething... i dunno, its scary, and yet some how reassuring... i just really can't fucking wait to have his arms around me again. :-) even if we can't do nething while he is here... i'll still be happy. :-)

and now I think I should go get some b-fast cause yesterday i woke up and had completely lost my sense of balance. kinda scary actually. couldn't walk in a straight line, couldn't bend over and get up without losing my balance. :-( not good people, not good.

hopefully this weather gets better. cause im not a fan of freezing. just a side note.

and shouts out to A. you'll be fine hunny. I am sorry all that shit happened to you. but it will be fine. be happy that you are ok. I sure am. :-)

also, I am once again annoyed at someone for saying they were going to do something and then not only not doing it, but also not telling me the plans changed. UG! yea. just frustrating in general. wheres my baby to cheer me up. lol.

COME VISIT!

until the snow storms.

So...

found out today that i didnt get the internship from the only place that called me back. I feel like i am in high school again, waiting for approval from some outside place, except this time its a little more important and this time I am not getting any feedback in any shape form or fashion. I wasn't quite so upset when i found out the position had been filled, but then we came back home and B started in with doing my research for me and telling me about all these jobs and i could help but think: omg, why are you teling me this. why would you want to rub in my face the numerous places that will no doubt reject me.

and this time its not like getting into college, because no matter how awesome people tell me I am, and no matter how talented they think I am and no matter how much my family and friends think i deserve something, if it doesnt happen, thats it. its over. And to me this is suddenly becoming a very frightening veiw of what the future might hold. So what do I do then? if I don't get a job where I am really happy? I can't stay in school forever. and I am becoming more and more against teaching... i feel like the failure is just looming there, waiting to engulf me, suck me up until i have no air to dream. I have always thought of myself as someone who was able to handle critisism and rejection, i mean I sure got enough of it from guys in high school. hell in college too. But this... Its so much more daunting and real and has such a bigger impact on my life. I want things to happen, but I dunno, maybe I have been too spoiled, having everything kind of be there... not that I havent worked hard, but i dunno. Maybe I am not quite sure how to kick start myself if i need to work harder. This is a whole new ball game, and something tells me I might not have the right shoes to play.

I wish I could go to other people when I am stressed like this. BUt for some reason, maybe because they sparked it, I just really dont feel like hearing B or my mom talk and try to tell me how everything is going to be fine, and I will find one eventually. It just sounds like the bull shit i heard when it came to guys, only worse.

I just wanna be in his arms. I love the fact that he would know ( or at least i think he would know) that for now I just want to be held, I don't wanna talk about it, I don't want you to push me, I don't want to do anything but sit and enjoy some t.v. and some Wawa apples and peanut butter and laugh about something else. And no its not completely avoiding because he would also know that I would come to him for advice eventually. and that is just one of the many reasons I love him. because he doesn't just try to tell me things that I want to hear (at least not always) and he doesn't try to just be my yes man. but alas... he is a continent away, having the time of his life in japan. but its ok, I know he (somewhere deep down inside) misses me, or at least wishes I could be there with him. so yea babe, if you do ever read this, i love you, more than i can put into words (don't worry you'll get there too) and through all the things I am not sure about in this world, there is one thing that I know... one day I will wake up and i WILL be Austyn Sweeting. You may not know it, or even be at that point yet, but I know its going to happen.

*sigh*

I can't wait for the future to come, I just really hope some more promising things start to appear to make my dreams possible.

until the down pours.

p.s. maybe ill start writing in this more, especially next semester, since ill be between my two homes... :-)

p.p.s. Happy Holidays to everyone!! Xmas was good, and I am looking forward to writing my new year's day post. :-)

my rock, my shelter, my everything.

so i really REALLY should be doing something else right now, but oh well, i felt like i should write.

So yesterday...

I honestly felt like I was going to wake up this morning and it would have not actually happened, and things would be getting worse, and i would have to move...

but no. it wasn't a dream. it was real. and this feeling... that's real too.

It wasn't until i put my absentee ballot in the box that this race started to have some significance outside of the issues... namely it was the first time I started to think about the implications of race (that dastardly social construct)

and as proud as I am to say that my president is Black (something I can't exactly put into words to be quite honest) He is my president because of his character, and his judgment and how he represents America in all its complexities. I am proud to be an American and I am proud to be able to call Barack Hussein Obama the next president of the United States of America.

Peace, Love and Happiness to ALL. Now is truly the time to come together, United and Proud.

( and to all those who doubted, or who still hold contempt in their hearts-- FUCK YOU MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!hahaha)

i haven't written in FOREVER. lol. bunch has been happening.

Jay is gone, back to JerZ. as i told Amanda this morning, i am fine as possible, and know we will be fine, and its not like hes dead. aka-- i am in physical pain because a part of me is missing and i am trying my best to hold myself together, but I am sure its gonna slip out at some point.

she told me to not worry about it, not try to hide it all. i agree. but its easier and less stressful to throw myself into other things 1000%.

i think this weekend will be the first test. first weekend without him in a while. makes me happy i have made at least a few friends here in NC.

classes are all really good. first time that has happened in my years here. lol. which is tre good. i think things could def be a lot worse.

oy. i hope maybe, that all this happiness will one day be 100% genuine, but for now... ill take what i can get.

now back to the girly tv shows!

love you all. some more than others.

just lost all the energy to write a post.


things are well, im coming home soon (belligafi)

cant wait to see people. and have sex (hey im honest)


love you all.

email me!

~Austyn

so. recap:

1. Sharm-- had much more drama than Alex. which was expected seeing as the increased number of girls. was still fun tho... :-) yay for the red sea that i didnt really swim in.

2. classes are still going ok i guess... im past the half way point, which is cool. only 2 weeks of class left. SWIIZEET!


3. today kinda sucked.... i fell into one of those moods then had a not so happy conversation with Jay, but things are looking up now... it just sucks that we are making such huge strides in our relationship right when we are so far from each other... alas, things will settle and pan out when i get home.

HOME. cant wait for that. but i have 3 more weeks here then some days in Italia first. should be tons of fun..

people! write me emails... you know u want to!!

so things are WAYYYYYYY better. fun times man. i think i just needed one big huge meltdown and then i would be fine.

I still miss everyone terribly, but its all good, the time is going by fairly quickly, although as always I am living for the weekend. Especially when the weekend includes trips to Alexandria and Sharm El-Shiek. should be fun times next weekend. Got back from Alex yesterday. I almost forgot how much i love the ocean. or sea, what ever. lol.


I think I am never going to be away from J ever again for this long. I don't know if I can handle this ish again. hahaha.

I have met some pretty cool people here. some extrememly nice, some extremely annoying... but hey, such is life. I am sure when I see you this fall, I can show you all the pictures. (there are TONS). I am gonna spend a fourtune getting them developed. but alas, its all good. and will be well worth it for the photo album. YAY

ok let me not be a complete waste of life and actually do some work. hahahaha.

right.......

LOVE YOU ALL!!

so i am kinda mad at myself. I feel like I should be enjoying this more, making new friends and living it up in Cairo, not wanting to go home. But it seems that every time I even think about home, I start tearing up. Which I feel like is pathetic. I should want to stay here, enjoy my time, do well in class, make new friends, have the experience of a lifetime. And it seems like everyone around me is. And yet, here I am inside on another night, tired beyond all tiredness for no particular reason, wishing i had someone from home.

And my head is telling me that I can do this, I can push thru, but my heart is screaming, no u can't austyn, go home, you know all you want right now is to be with him and your friends, and hell even your family.

It's weird how independent I thought I was, when in fact, i rely so heavily on other people.my roots, if you will. And it feels unnatural having my roots be over 5.5 thousand miles away.

I am not exactly sure how to make myself feel better about this. Maybe if I throw myself into schoolwork I can numb some of this pain. I certainly hope thats possible, I wouldn't mind getting a good grade in my classes.

In other news, let me at least describe what this place is like. The heat honestly isn't even that bad, I mean yea its hot, but its like 2 days of hotness with a hot breeze, followed by about 5 hotish days with a cool breeze. I stay in Zamalek, which is essentially to Cairo the equivalent to Georgetown in D.C., much quieter than downtown, lots of shady trees, kind of upper class housing, and nice shops and such. Its a pretty cool place to live, easy to get lost in, but fun none the less.

Cars here are crazy. Apparently the traffic lights are merely cautionary, unless a soldier is enforcing them. 2-3 lane highways are much more likely to be 4-5 lane highways, which can be kinda scary, seeing a huge bus squeeze by you in a tiny cab. The cab drivers are crazy too, dashing in and out of all traffic. crazyness i swear.

Classes are.... interesting. I have Arabic Language 202, which is actually about a class after where I should be. which kinda sucks, but I will deal. and I have an Anthro class about culture and people of North Africa and the Middle East. which I really hope people talk in because other wise, I will fall asleep every day. Not good if I want to get a good grade. lol.

so thats about it. yay for cairo right? It is a fun place, and I am sure the excursions we have planned over the next few weekends will be fun. we shall see tho.

as for US news... Kaitlyn had her baby this morning!! 6 lbs, 14oz, 20inches healthy and happy (both of them). I am so excited to see the one, and her again too. AND ALL OF YOU!! lol. I'll be back soon enough, let's just hope I don't fall back into old patterns. :-)

night all, let me go track down an Arabic Book, so I can do my homework.