I just saw on the LJ home page a link to someones journal and it said under it: "He met her on LJ, now read about their great news!"
WEIRD. Weird online relationships freak me out, that's going to be one of our generations THINGS. Well, let's say we actually don't destroy the whole entire planet before our children get to high school. If that is true, then when our kids are going to fucking Myspace cafes and weird shit like that and always video chatting on their cell phones with free long distance to China - we're going to be losing our shit. Like some parents do now with the whole gay thing. "You're GAY! WHAT!"
but instead
"You met him on Myspace, real fucking smooth. Yup. DON'T GET RAPED. Have fun! Okay!"
We are going to be lame adults YAY.
Speaking of, I'm graduating. I found all of my homework that I lost and am supposed to be doing it right now seeing as that's why I left school early. But I have to work soon anyways so I'll end up dead tomorrow from being up so late this week.
Last night was a little ridiculous. 3am, and why? Shallow Hal. I uh..chatted online for a while and then just watched a movie with the cat. And all of last week was the same just ..not that late.
I don't know what I'm doing yet. I can either set up shop in Bangor for a while until I can save up enough money to even begin to look for jobs in New York or wherever I am going to at that point.. and go from there. Or I can be a real dumbass and just leave all my shit here and take off after summer is over. See if it works, and it could. Of course I could fail miserably and maybe die but it's not like I'm really risking a lot here. I figure I'll decide after I graduate because I'm being a liiiittle bit of a fruit about it.
I like coffee, I think it's fucking delicious. I don't care what you say. And I like my hair like that, and I really like being myself sometimes so when you say mean shit it makes me want to kill you.
And I'm sorry I'm immature. I know I am, and I'm working on it, but why do you have to give up on me like that? After everything? Now I definitely can't believe that it was all true. But that's fine. We don't even talk, that's fine too. The only reason this is all pouring out is because I kissed someone, and more than anything, in the moment, and right now, I wanted it to be you.
And then, one day, I'll grow a pair of big, brass heavy ones and I'll actually say it to your face. Or we'll both just stop caring.
This week is finally over. Everyday has ended on one dynamic note, none of which have meant a thing to me. Today was bad, although it isn't over yet. It's funny how the littlest thing can get me so mixed up I don't know what I want at all. I don't even think I want El Salvador right now. I could definitely wait.
But it's so stupid to put it off...well, to put anything off. Especially over something little.
Yesterday ended fine, it was awesome. Good day and everything...I just feel SO nervous all the time. I'm nervous about school, and every little thing in class. I'm nervous about my teachers treating me differently, my friends blowing up at me and getting really upset. I'm nervous about losing my job and getting an apartment. I'm second guessing everyting which is making me go crazy...
Roxanne said today that reading something we had written each other had made her feel really stupid, which is the way I feel about ALL of my old LJ entries and how I will eventually feel about this one. How no matter what I do I can't please every part of me. How I can never judge when it's better to do one thing over another because in the long run it'll be better.
I also feel really small lately. I feel absolutely alone on occasion and always think that my happiness simply doesn't matter to anyone else but me. ...and if that's true than I am such a small part of the world no matter WHAT I do I won't make a big difference. Whether I stay on track with my interest in AIDS outreach and sweatshop education, or I say fuck that...and get a job that pays me a lot of money and spendspendspend until I die. It really doesn't matter, it only matters to me.
And of course, then you think...who am I? Well. Nothing. It's not depressing or anything but seriously, even the people that say "you mean so much to me blah blah blah" ...they're nothing either. In comparison to the world and all that jazz.
Plus I don't really think that Humanity is a big deal to begin with. We're all just a big joke, haha. I mean we ARE kind of dumb. -------------------
I'll do a quick overview of yesterday: Human Geo: I like Chernosky, she;s great. I have Jennie, Caroline and Gillian in that class, and it's really interesting. Film: You would have to meet Ms. Hirch to understand her, she's my favorite. The people in that class are goofy and annoying but she makes it all worth the while. English: I have Jennie and Roxanne, along with a few other really great people, in that class with me. I don't feel comfortable in there at all though, but I do like Czlapinski. French: I'm dropping it, so it doesn't matter. Anatomy: Kind of weird but good weird, I like the teacher he nice, helpful and good at his job. I love that. Statistics: Weird guy for a teacher but it's still good, and fun people in that class.
Then I got in trouble, with Jennie OF COURSE. For no reason we were both stalked by teachers we have never met in the halls, and they cornered her and treated us both like shit. They SAID, out loud, that you could tell Jennie had problems just by the way she looked. That upsets me so much not specifically because it's obviously out of line but because that says so much about the school I have to be in all year. Anyways dealt with that, it was ridiculous and I was commended by the assistant principle for being "well spoken, a gentleman and an adult." Thanks Mr. Reed ..?
Anyways today was a little downhill but..You know I got home and I gave Rachel a big hug because I really needed it...and she's sitting there, on the phone with her sister being completely normal. And that girl is so pretty. And wonderful! She has her curls tied and clipped back from having them in her face all day, wearing these earrings she just got and loves, somehow glowing while emitting no particular emotion...I don't know. But there's something about her that didn't take away the second, third and fourth office visits I had to make today, or the fact that boys suck. It just made me realize that while that stuff is still going on I have a good life that's rolling by regardless of what my mind is stuck on. And I am going to miss her when she leaves, I am going to miss her so much.
I lied, and I've been so great. It was the same thing I always do too, I lied for no reason. I lied because I'm too afraid the truth won't be good enough. I didn't even realized I had lied about this, which happened a month or so ago, until yesterday. That disappoints me a little bit.
I guess I don't really need to talk about this any longer. Tomorrow will be alright, maybe better.
ok I feel better but anyways today was boring I got to drive a little, im actually getting the hang of it so that's good, I'm awesome.
I am wickid bored today though I wish somehting EXCITING would happen But I have internet I guess that's exciting enough.
I want a digital camera and a hook up for my phone so I hope I get this job... OH BUT MY NEIGHBOR!! is a bar tender at the Governers Club and she's is going to try and get me a job there when im 16 and she knows 3 other clubs that might hire me too...SO HOPEFULLY January will come fast.
yyyeeeahhhh I GOT APPLE JUICE TODAY! so that's a perk. I was going to go swimming but ever since I quit diving I have hated to go swimming I dunno, I guess im just dumb like that.
well I will update later maybe, if something really cool happens, which it will.
edit im sorry but i had to put this somewhere, sepulchral dawn: maybe you could get hitler to suck your dick, and then shove a huge dildo up his ass sepulchral dawn: oh, haha. sepulchral dawn: wrong im
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