Haven't even loaded the main LJ page in a while. Things are busy. I've been on leave and getting ready to go on deployment the second week of September. Not really ready for it. Things were so hectic and I feel like I have to do everything RIGHT NOW. Sad. I haven't really talked to a lot of my friends in so long. I miss them. I feel like I'm just drifting all the time. I can't wait until I retire and stay in one place and have people be constant in my life, even the assholes. Why do I sound like I'm so depressed when I write on here? Maybe because I sort of am, and I know this is my sounding board, whether anyone is listening or not.
Of my vacation, anyway. It's been a nice 30 days off, let me tell you. Tomorrow I report to the ship. Whoopee.
I still haven't finished unpacking. I'm not sure I'm ever going to get done.
I did make something today:
It holds all my dangle earrings so they don't get all twisted and stuff. Just a frame, some screen material, some velvet and a staple gun. Easy enough.
Thought for the day: Being alone isn't so bad - there are no arguments, except with yourself.
It's a quarter to two in the morning. I've been awake since 11 and I can't go back to sleep. I have to work in the morning. This sucks.
I received an email tonight. And after I read it, I didn't know how to feel. In the course of being totally honest, my first thought wasn't a very nice one. It wasn't mean-spirited, but it was more along the lines of "it figures". Then came all the what ifs. And I hate all the what ifs because I thought I had slammed them all into the far corner of my heart and locked them. I thought I was done with it all. The majority of me is done, but that one little part, well, that part of me is yelling the loudest. And I can't go back to sleep with all that crap in my head.
I was thinking about what I would post today and my thoughts ran from starting Season 2 of Lost on DVD, to Season 1 of Medium (which I finished Tuesday night) to my current lack of sex life to relationships to current music I'm enjoying, then I realized the post was going to either be one huge rambling session or one huge run-on sentence.
Because that would take all the romance out of it.
I had one of those sexual dreams about someone I would have never thought of. I woke up from it all discombobulated and well, horny. This is the sad state of my life. The funny thing is, he thinks I'm crazy "in a good way", which is a phrase people quickly add on so you won't try to stalk them and stab them in the neck with a highlighter.
Why do they never mention blow jobs in romance novels? They'll infer a bit to a man going down on a woman, but never the other way around. Unless it's slash, then they'll do just about anything.
You know how they say you only dream right before you wake up? If that's true, why is it that you can't always remember your dreams? Anyway, I digress. I dreamed that I was out shopping with an ex-boyfriend from a long time ago. But it wasn't the fact that the guy that ripped my heart out of my chest and stomped on it after talking about marriage because he wasn't ready but somehow he was ready enough last year with some other girl (I think I see a pattern. I don't know) but I'm not bitter was in my dream that made it all weird. It was the fact that I kept finding broken things everywhere and I kept trying to fix them. I was trying to fix all these things that didn't belong to me and ignoring my shopping. I mean, how many times do you find a dress in your size that makes you look three sizes smaller than you really are? Come on, even in dreams a woman doesn't look a gift horse like that in the mouth. I've always known that I usually put others before myself, and my dream just reiterated that. But the point is, I've been doing more for myself lately. I've been ignoring those broken pieces I've been finding, even some of my own. And I'm okay with that. I know I'm human and that I can't do everything. Hell, sometimes I don't want to do everything. Sometimes I just want to sit on my ass and play computer games. Is that so wrong?
In my "excitement" about my upcoming "vacation" I didn't realize that I'll be going on leave the week after next.
Had a blah day again today, as usual. It's sad, but I think I'm getting used to feeling like this. I actually told someone that I think I'm better off alone. I really don't want to feel this way, but it seems so much easier. No one else to rely on, no one to disappoint or get disappointed because of, no one to answer to but myself. And any choice that I make will only affect myself and no one else. Life should be simple this way, no? Then why am I so goddamn unhappy? So I went to the gym, played some really angry music and worked out some of my frustrations with some weights. Now I'm just kind of hollow. And a little bit sore.
Time to take a quick shower, order some food, and play WoW.
I am so tired. And I don't think it's just the hormones. My patience has run thin with so many things. I've been playing WoW just to keep my mind busy. If I didn't have the game and my crafts, I think I'd probably kill myself. Okay, it's not that serious, but you know what I mean. I'm still trying to get over things. Some days are good, and some days are just shitty. Really shitty.
I don't know what to think anymore. I'm going on leave next week so I'll have plenty of time to think about what it is that I want with my life, and what I need to let go.
Other than look at fabric, I didn't do anything I set out to do this weekend. I fucking hate this feeling of helplessness and inadequacy. I realized that's how I truly feel - inadequate. Which is stupid, I know. You would say the same if I told you the whole situation. I know that one of these days I'm going to have to just let go. Short of some sort of disaster, nothing is going to change. FUCK!
I'm heading off to take a bath with a rather large bottle of wine.
sad
dorky
good
content
drained
crappy