I'm actually quite excited about the new tracking features, but I understand some people I read aren't really comfortable with them so I figured I should probably let my friends list know that I'm planning on using them in some limited capability.
I'm never going to monitor when you make a new post, or anything about your user-info. It is not my style and not what I'm interested in. When you make a new post, it'll show up on my friends page anyway.
What I do plan on doing is using this to keep track of new comments made to discussions I'm finding interesting. I already do this manually by bookmarking each thread/post I'm interested in and checking back on them daily to see what new comments have been made. (usually 30 or so active bookmarks). This new feature makes it much easier for me to keep up with the interesting stuff and participate in discussions without spending great amounts of time figuring out what's new.
If you would rather me not do this for any of your posts, please either comment or send me an e-mail through the LJ account, and I won't. I'm very good at tracking and remembering such things, so you needn't worry that I'll forget.
My father's mother taught me to read. No, more than that. She taught me to love reading. She, along with my other grandmother, taught me that you don't have to have pleasant voice to enjoy singing. On the one hand, you can say that she is a person of faith, strong in her beliefs. On the other you can say that she sometimes is /too/ firm in her faith, too quick to judge.
But she always had a helping hand. Many hours of my summers and breaks were spent helping her shop for housebond friends. Taking them food and talking for a bit. We helped her clean their yards, cook their supper, and write letters to their children.
She had the first stroke about a week after my father was diagnosed with cancer 11 years ago now.. I watched her fight to regain her strength, and her personality. Her strength never came back in full, and the strokes continued. But more importantly /she/ came back to us. More difficult to understand as the years passed, but always with humor and love.
I was there when we told her that her only child, my father, was gone almost four years ago and we shared tears of grief. Barely able to walk, she still came to my wedding and shared my tears of joy. In many ways she and my grandfather have been closer to me and more a part of my life than my father was. I spent every afternoon after school, and all of my summers with them.
I got a phone call from my baby brother a couple of hours ago. The doctors are saying a week, probably less. She is dying.
I don't know that I'm strong enough to let her go.
I have been rather. . .off, recently. Mood swings much worse than normal, snapping at Brooks and Kevin, dreading social events, and so forth. I don't know what is going on with me, and it is driving me batty! I've been doing a fair job at minimalizing the impact this is having on people around me, but I haven't been able to get it to go away.
I'm wondering if some of it is medicine and hormone interactions. I have some doctors appointments coming up where I can discuss that.
I'm tending to waver between feeling really driven, and completely apathetic. Except when it comes to social engagements. I find myself becoming rather moody and actively dreading social contacts, but once I'm with people, I'm better. Mostly.
I've caught myself quite a lot recently telling Brooks that "I'll be ok, I'll perk up." I'm having trouble holding on to the idea that people will still like me if I'm not being cheerful and silly. *sigh*
I'm wanting to just. . . go away. To get away from all the stressors in my life, and be quiet. Hopefully the trip out to Boston next month will give me some of that time alone I'm craving.
Kevin's visit was wonderfull, *happy sighing happens here*. We spent most of the visit just. . .together. Curled up reading books we had recommended to eachother (he introduced me to Lackey, and then read through my Wrede collection). Playing side-by-side Civ III games while comparing playing styles and sharing tips (he taught me how to wage war). And talking, most importantly talking.
Timing was such that I got to introduce him to some of my favorite things. The Monteray Bay aquarium, the Palo Alto library booksale, my favorite used bookstore on Castro. Taking him to the Heather Alexander concert was a particular joy. Watching him enjoy her humor and flirting with the audience, and sharing the magic of hearing one of her new songs for the first time.
Lots of warm fuzzies, as mentioned earlier. Hearing that my husband was searching Boston bookstores for my favorite authors, watching Kevin read his wife's LJ and taking such joy in her. The two of us talking about us, and how the relationship goes, and drifting to long discussions about Brooks and Heather. The realization that this was certainly on-topic, that the four of us are so twined that it is difficult to talk about any one pairing and not mention the others.
Letting go (gads, I hate airports), realizing we'll see eachother soon and that Brooks will be coming home. It hurts, because I love him so. But there is a sweetness there too, plus the joy in welcoming my love back and learning about his trip.
Watching my partner read his wife's LJ, and seeing the love there. The joy he takes in her, and in sharing her life.
My husband asking which books we have by my favorite authors, so he can get me something as he pokes around bookstores.
My partner calling his wife from a nifty store and asking her opinon on a gift, and relaying a message to my husband, "suzanne says to tell you she is buying the Chinese calligraphy set" and him responding through the channel, "I'm not surprised, she has been eyeing it for years now."
People I love very much are hurting. From my perspectives they are hurting, and being hurt, over details that are fixable. But communication seems to be broken.
I want to fix. I want to help, and I want my family to be happy. How do you deal with things like this?
I get handed a problem at work. Someone has created this monster database (monster in the sense of horrid, bad database no biscuit) and I'm asked for an analysis. Basically no one can figure out what it is trying to do.
I take a look, recognize a couple of things and promptly forward a link to my husband; thinking he might find it interesting and might be able to provide me with a clue.
A few hours later a get a phone call, and a full explanation followed by a rather fun discussion of possibilities and theory.
I call them lightbulb moments. Those moments when something that has been clear to everyone else suddenly becomes clear to me. Oh! My mom is coming to see /me/ not to inspect my grout!
I had an epiphany a few weeks ago that is just now starting to settle into my head. Because of various circumstances in my life, I have always been under the impression that most types of love have to be. . . well, earned.
If I was a good girl, Daddy would like me. If I did x, y would think I was ok and so forth and on. But it isn't like that is it? Sometimes love or like can be earned, but that is usually short-lasting and overall isn't worth it. My husband, my partner, my friends and family love me because I'm me. It isn't dependent on whether the dishes got done, or if I said the right things.
The only thing they expect from me, is for me to be suzi.
Oh.
This astounding thought has been percolating through my head over the past couple weeks. It is really amazing how many things that realization has changed in my head. It is amazing to see the issues that have plauged me for years in this new light. It touched everything.
So now I'm wondering how to extract the old way of thinking. Wondering how many relationships have been hurt by me trying to be bleeping perfect when all they wanted to do was have me accept the gift.
sad
anxious
loved