He was moved into the mental institution.. i'm hoping that this is a better change. Hoping.. because they won't let me see him. The first few days it was obvious i wouldn't be allowed, but I tried today and they said his doctor said "no visitors." Bastard. Whatever, I'm going to go back every day till they let me! Or until I can talk to that doctor of his! Grrr..
Still.. i'm glad he's away from those horrid inmates.
First all this BS with Seguchi... now Tatsuha's in prison.. the fucktards are RAPING him (I don't give a shit if he "agreed" to it so he wouldn't get "raped" if you don't want it in the first place, its STILL rape)
To top that off, I ended up having a breakdown in front of Eiri-san... not that he hasn't seen me like that before, i just... feel bad about it now. I don't want people seeing me cry over things anymore. I think i'm loosing it, sometimes.. i really do.
On a brighter note, i'm moving again.. and i'm not telling ANYONE where to.. except for a few people, cause I love them. And when Tatsuha gets out we're going to move in together and we're going to be HAPPY! Do you hear me people: HAPPY! And if you get in the way of that, I am going to have to hurt you. ^_^
**filtered for Hiro**
I'm sorry about dissapearing on you.. if I've hurt you (and i'm pretty sure i did) i'm so sorry... you've been one of the best friends that I could ever ask for and I just give you shit about it, constantly. I can see that now, and i'm not sure how to apologize for it. I'll call you soon, okay?
**filtered for Eiri**
again, thank you. I'll be over at your house a little later, I just have to finish up a few other things.
**filtered for Tatsuha**
I don't know if you can still read these.. but I'm leaving you cute little notes anyway ^_^ Love you love you love youuuuuuuu o/~
Okay.. I'd just like to say this: fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK YOU ALL!!! (those of you who know why are the ones it applies to, with the exception of Maiko... and Eiri)
okay, now that I have that out of my system, I'm sorry I haven't been keeping up with the journal. The reason for my stress (note the first line of this journal) has kept me away from the computer as well.. and frankly, i'm not even sure why i'm writing this right now. Probably stress relief or something.. i dunno, i'm not a shrink.
And that's all I'm saying for now.
--Private post--
... I have no idea where to begin. The past few weeks have just flown by... Everything was so great until Seguchi came along and fucked it over again. I probably shouldn't talk badly about a dead man, but why the hell not? He made me miserable enough.. Anyway, Tatsuha tried to stab him.. almost killed him. We managed to get over that, and then Ryuichi jumped out a window after the bastard (Tohma, not Tatsuha) so they both ended up in the hospital. I think that finaly made Tatsuha snapped... he killed Tohma. I don't blame him.
But he also has been getting the shit beaten out of him for it.. so i've been spending all my free time (and some that's technically not so free) at the hospital with him. Only, I accidently neglected Ryuichi a bit. When I finally thought Tatsuha was safe to be by himself, I went to visit Ryuichi.. and found out horrible things had happened to him. He was gonig to die if he didn't get a blood transfusion.. so i spent more time going to test my blood and found out that it was a good match. I gave him some and he's going to live... and yet, somehow, even after that.. he felt like he was being neglected in this relationship.. so he slept with his bodyguard.
He won't even admit that he obviously wanted it, which is pissing Tatsuha off to no end. Apparently I'm a good deal of the reason why Ryuichi's upset. He thinks that Tatsuha loves me more than him... Tatsuha does love me, he admitted that. And I love him... I love him so much its.. its actually pretty ridiculous. But he still loves Ryuichi just as much, he just hates the fact that Ryuichi is allowed to sleep around when he's sober, but Tatsuha's not.. and that this whole threesome was Ryuichi's idea in the first place, and now he wants to back out of it after everyone's gotten attatched. I don't want to hurt him but....
Tatsuha tried to kill himself after a last fight with Ryuichi.
I'm not going to stand by and let that happen. Tatsuha... I love him too much to let him be hurt like that. I'm sorry for hurting Ryuichi in this... I really am... and I'd apologize to his face, if I could only get the chance.
--For Tatsuha--
I love you, baby...
--for Ryuichi--
Ryu-chan... please talk to me about this...
--for Hiro--
Dude... we have to talk soon. I think i'm going crazy.
So... I said I'd tell you where I've been.. but screw that. That has nothing on the past few days. Things have gotten so fucked up.
OK, so I went to see Sakano-san in jail. OMG, he looks horrible. He's thing, and paler than usual... I'm really worried about him. He says things are okay, but I spoke to an ex-inmate of his and things are definatly not good.
Yeah. The Inmate... Kade. that was so weird. There's a lot of stuff about him that I can't talk about. That I don't really care to talk about actually, its embarassing, I just hope that he doesn't think it meant more than it did. Besides, in light of more recent events... well....
I got drunk with Tatsuha. I really didn't plan on it. I went into a bar to grab a single drink, and found Tatsuha there already pretty well boozed up. We ended up talking, he said Ryu was mad at him, so I told him to come over to my place. Perfectly innocent.. it was supposed to be anyway. Things started getting fuzzy right when we stood up to leave. I know both of us had had enough shots that we should have hit the ground right then. Next thing I know, I wake in, naked, in bed beside him.
...
I did close to the same thing to Ryu-chan that those bastards did to me. I almost broke them up. After we conffessed to Ryuichi.. I went home and was a bare minute away from slitting my wrists. I really think I would have.. but Ryu-chan followed me home. We talked, and he isn't mad at me anymore.
He REALLY isn't mad at me... ... but I probably shouldn't go into it.
--private post--
I slept with him.. AND Tatsuha. At the same time. Wow, that feels weird to type.
It felt good, though. SOOOO good. They're both absolutely amazing in bed, its just... its... wow. But that really isn't the best/worst part of it.
Though It started out that way, its not going to be a one-time thing.. at least, we don't think it will. Ryu-chan wants me to move in with them.. Tatsuha... I'm not entirely sure what he thinks, but considering things that happened last night after Ryu-chan went to bed.. I think he's going to give it a try at least. Despite the absolute weirdness of all of this, it seems... right somehow. Okay, y'know?
Gah. I am such a slut.
--filtered for Ryuichi--
OMG.. last night was... well.. amazing, not that I haven't told that to you before. Have you spoken with Tatsuha yet? I'm sorry I went home so soon in the morning, but I had to grab some fresh clothes for work. By the way... I need to talk to you. About this, and more, okay? I'll see you soon.
--filtered for Tatsuha--
I know how weird this whole situation is.. and is going to be. About when I called you 'Yuki' and some of the things I said at the bar... I'm sorry. In all honesty, you may look a lot like your brother.. but you're not him. You never will be. Unlike him, you have a heart. You can be sweet, and kind, and funny, especially around Ryu-chan. I really do respect you for that Tatsuha. I'm not sure why i'm telling you this but.. I guess I feel like I should, especially with everything that's been happening.
I got sick of the old LJ, mainly because of my screen name.. So I made a new one. Its almost four a.m. now, and I'm drained.. so I'm going to call it a night. I promise to post up some things about where i've been, though, tomorrow. Ja ne.
contemplative
bouncy
sleepy