one of those days, where I'm not happy with anything, nothing can satisfy me. Just went out to dinner with some family friends which was great. Until we got home (at 9 o'clock...) and mom told me i couldn't go out.....just because they're old and lazy and w/e...i have to stay home?!?!?! Days like this make me realize how much i hate my life here at home, and i need to go to college and get away, far far away. LIke very soon. I'm the kinda person that holds in everything, all my secrets, all my emotions....then when i get angry, kinda like now....i explode, and basically break down. i cry, i throw a little mini fit when mom n dad come in my rooom n ask me why i'm staying in here all locked up. i feel like no one understands me, which makes me angry because i am a very simple person to please, and understand. i want to be with friends, when i feel like having fun, and when i feel like being alone, leave me alone!! like really...how hard is that? i don't know. apparently impossible. mom gets mad when i don't talk to her about stuff....."stuff...." if i talked to her about all my problems, she would think i was, 1. insane (i would be in an institute right now...) 2. stupid, because i love him, and she would never understand why. and lastly 3. immature, when in reality, i'm ten times more mature than all my friends and all.. she really doesn't know how good she has it, i could be so bad, get in so much trouble, sneek out to see him in the midddle of the night. but i don't, i'm not....and yet she still complains when i want to be left alone and when i won't talk to her......
ok enough venting, i think i'm just gonna go to bed..... nite everyone :)
(hope everyone had a great holiday!!! and happy 2009!!!!!!!!!!!)
.....so in reality, my Edward, the guy that's leaving in like 3 weeks, is going to be nothing but a dream for a very long time.....he's falling off the face of the earth in 3 weeks for 6 years. I love him, but I'm not sure I can wait, and he understands that, but he insists on waiting for me, even if I'm not here when he gets back....which makes me feel bad in itself. But my "boyfriend..." has suddenly come back into my life, the one that I am madly in love with, that I hadn't seen in 11 months. Well I saw him two weekends ago, and I was so happy, for three days..... then i stopped smiling and stopped being happy. Because he left again. We got in a fight and he's being.....completely unreasonable about it all together...
.......so to add to this little problem, let me add another guy to the story, I promise I'm not a skank....I don't hookup with random people. This guy's in my grade at school, that I thought i was starting to fall for a little while back. We went out on one date, hooked up.....things got awkward, we stopped talking for like two weeks. Now he's back, surprise. And i love spending time with him, but he wants more again...and i keep telling him no. We hung out during our open period yesterday, and were just talking for a while and ended up kissing again, which....was really nice.
I love my "boyfriend" so much, but him not understanding (that me being 17...) that i can't just get up and walk out of the house and be like oh I'm gonna go see my 20 year old boyfriend mom. no. I've come up with plans to get out of the house, but he wants more time together. And so do i. but i can't disappear for 4 hours.....(he lives almost 2 hours away...) and i feel horrible that I'm "covering him up" by hooking up with this other guy. Horrible, he deserves better...
this book is taking over my life, it's kinda scary....I'm so addicted to it. I think because every time i read it i think about him more and more, and how much i miss him and how much it hurts. How much I want to love him, but I know that he deserves better. Because I still love who he refers to as, the other one...I cannot give all of myself to him, it is not fair to him....
How crazy is it to fall in love with someone you've never met. You've never heard their voice, only the sound of them typing to you....???
I'm in love. With someone I've never met...I've never spoken to him on the phone. The only thing that connects us is the internet. Our little "love" story is so much light twilight it scares the shit out of me....
....for a week he's been trying to convince me t hat he's this mean horrible person, and that he can't be around me, that he's not good for me. No matter what he tells me, I don't care...I love him.
We were talking about past relationships and I kept telling him how badly I've been hurt and how I have some really bad trust issues. And yet for some reason, I would trust him with my life. I don't know him, and I trust him more than anyone I know, I can't explain it....
...He's so far away, and he's 21. We can't be together. But we need each other...
In January he's basically falling off of the face of the earth for 6 years. Military basic training, and has no control over where he is stationed. Which ruined our little plan for seeing each other on my 18th B-day because he could be half way across the world by then....
I tried explaining it to my best friend, because I had to tell someone how in love I was, and she think I'm insane....and maybe I am....but i don't care....
so i saw him. for the first time in eleven months. i met him outside of school, and i was a mess with my jeans and uggs, and a huge sweatshirt, my hair was a mess, but later that night, he told me how beautiful i looked :D we just sat there for a half an hour, not talking, just looking at each other, he was holding my hand, occasionally he'd lean in to kiss me. but that was it, nothing. but it felt like so much more than nothing, it felt so perfect. I didn't feel like i had to do anything, we were just so comfortable sitting with each other, holding each other, kissing when we wanted to, holding hands, and looking into each others eyes. After not seeing him for 11 months i expected him to be all over me i guess, but he wasn't, and it was a surprise. A pleasant surprise. I really love how we can do that. When i think about yesterday, with him, I go back and yell at myself for ever thinking about breaking up with him....i love him. i really do.....i only hope he feels the same, hope all is going well for everyone.... <3
so as the subject indicates, and I'm apologizing in advance if it seems like childish drama...but i really need help....
...so theres this guy...
i know, not the best start. lol. i think i like him. I'm not positive, but I'm very sure that i do. and i told him last night (I have no idea what possesed me to do that...haha) and he likes me too apparently, and i was like ok, what now. and he said well if i was you I would ask me out, and i did. so we're gonna hang out n all. here comes the problem....
...one of my really good friends has been like crazy in love with him for the past year. And i'm afraid she'll think that I'm "dating" him because she likes him, which is not true at all. I've liked him for almost 4 years now..and i know she's just gonna hate me when she finds out, which she eventually will. I can't hide it from her forever...AHHH!!!!!!!!! i love her to death and she's gonna kill me...i know she is..... :/
R.I.P aunt cassie the best and biggest phillies fan i knew.... ....before your death you told us, "I do not want you to cry at my funeral, celebrate my life." which of course only made us cry more. you were the best person I have ever known...and you will forever be in our hearts and on our minds when the Phillies win the world series.
before the passing of my aunt, similar to charlie manuel's mother, my aunt told us, "the phillies are gonna win...i just know the phills can do it" my aunt cassie was always right. so therefore.....
GO PHILLIES :) it's time for that trophy to come to Philly, where it belong....
so for all you phillies fans out there reading this....first of all WHOOOHOOO i loveyou already cause you love the phillies. second of all i'm a bit upset about the game last nite, i know it was raining but they didn't look good, and I'm worried about Cole, hurting his finger "bunting" haha. someone needs to teach him how to do that correctly. I volunteer. haha.
life.....
.....is prety good right now. i can't really complain. ok, actually i have to. haha. but that's just me. i always find something to complain about. i need to stop doing that. so this guy that i'm "with" i haven't seen in ten months. and i just feel like he's way too good for me and i don't deserve him. about 7 months ago he came to surprise me and visit me at work, only to drive into the parking lot to see me kissing this other guy. which hurt him really bad......but he STILL LOVES ME....he's such a good guy. and i haven't seen him in ten months and all he keeps telling me is how much he can't wait to see me, and just lay in quiet, as long as we're together. that's all he wants. and it's sooo sweet. but for some reason i don't know if i love him....maybe it's because of the seperation, because sometimes i miss him like crazy, but then i forget about him for like a week. sooo...idk if it's the whole...seperation makes the heart grom fonder. but...i don't know what to say to him because he's super sensitive and if i tell him this, he's gonna freak out and think i'm trying to get rid of him....sooo....anyway. other than that life's goood. haha. there's always drama with my friends at schoool but i've almost learned to ignore it. it gets ridiculous and out of hand and control. and i don't have much of a choice but to tune it out, or lose my mind. so it's w/e now.....
loved
crappy
scared
ecstatic
confused
thoughtful