Bottom of the Barrel Movie Reviews

So. Alien: Awesome, Aliens: orgasmic bliss, Alien³ : decent, Alien Resurrection: If we disregard Winona Ryder - pretty good until about 30 minutes before the end.
Predator: pretty damn awesome, Predator 2: Okay.
AvP1: Acceptable PG13 flick.

Basically, the groundwork is there to have at least a decent movie even though it's the nth sequel.
Let's see.

 

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AWESOME.

FUCKING AWESOME!!


That is all...

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I never actually played the game but I do know them very well as I've viewed many of the Youtube clips and read the excellent SomethingAwful recaps. Playing the game would probably scare the crap outta me because I'm a pussy. Also, I really really suck at gaming; I have neither skills, patience nor capabilities.
So, I rented the movie.

There are two reasons I rented this movie:
1. I absolutely adore the first one because seeing pretty people getting torn to pieces by giant insects never gets old.
2. Richard Burgi. 'The Sentinel' was my first online fandom ever and I'm a big sap.

I don't expect anything from this movie, I only heard it's atrocious.
On with the show.


The intro scroll's all-caps giant font is obviously made for the blind. Seriously, it's like two words per line.

I'm glad they kept the Robocop-esque newsreels, I always liked that feature, but they lack the biting irony of that movie and of the first one.

Well, the CGI is a lot crappier.
Open up on a battlefield and lots of people getting munched. The scene is ridiculously badly shot to hide the fact that they didn't have enough money to make bug and man interact.

What the fuck, they have psychics in the battlefield now?! Troi, the male version. "I sense they want to eat us, general".

Anyway, the troop withdraws - the bugs LET them - on advice of Mr Troi towards some outpost or other.
There's a lot of tense music and a bug attack kinda occurs. 
I doubt someone with skewered lungs would actually scream that much.

Troi has a freak-out and pulls non-existant rank. For some reason, they decide to smother skewered guy to death instead of doing the nice thing and either morphining him or putting a bullet in his brainpan. If those are supposed to be his friends ...

They explore their gutted outpost and this really makes me want to watch 'Aliens' again because, man, that's one hell of a film.

Jim (Richard Burgi) is found locked up in an incenerator for having brutally slaughtered his CO. They leve him in there while bugs attack once more. They are surrounded, outnumbered and outgunned (outmandibled?).
Also, seriously, whistles? What is this WWI?! What the hell happened to radios?

Aha! Here comes Jim to save the day! He detonates some serious bombs that kill the bugs but - thankfully - leave our heroes, who are cowering behind some 3-inch thick concrete, unharmed. Right.
Jim then repairs some giant electrified bug-zapper that keeps the perimeter bug-free. The general, who was supposed to cover the rear, shows up out of nowhere uneaten. He at once gives a motivational speech and introduces his buddies, 2 guys who look unaccountably nervous and a blond chick. 
Obviously, they are all EHVUL!

Mr Troi suddenly morphs into a piss-ant bitch because the general drags his ass over hot coals, he then gets into a bitch fight with Jim, who outweighs him by 50 pounds at least, about glory and betrayal and cannonfodder and bullcrap. They're all in highschool.

Man, that is one butch chick. I'm in love. No, seriously, Brenda Strong is hot in this.

If you didn't already realise ths new guys are bugs in disguise, the sugar-eating just gave it away..

A stupid rookie accident, deactivates the bug zapper and everyone has to get back in action. Troi freaks out again but twitchy bug guy reactivates the zapper just in time. Cheering all'round.

Blond bug chick - with perfect make up - clumsily flirts with Jim who orders her to drop and give him 200. Snorfle. I like this.
She then takes a shower and starts to maul some other soldier, buttnekkid. Blondie, BTW, is way too skinny to even be able to handle a gun, let alone fight a bug. Anyway, she sucks his tonsils out - not literally - and shoves a bug in him - yes, literally.
The other bug guy (let's call him Curly bug) then does the same to some random female soldier.

And I can't believe they'd allow coupling to happen in the middle of a fucking warzone!

Anyway, Final Girl attempts to psychoanalyze Jim who doesn't appreciate it. I think it's love.

Big trooper then gets buggified by Twitchy in an unsurprising turn of events which includes ripped-off fingers, a torn-off arm and a bug in someone's mouth.

Sergeant Brenda has one ugly tattoo. She's still awesome though.

Final Girl turns out to be mildly psychic too and has some pathetic profetic nightmares.

The buggified act buggy and touch Final Girl whose spidey senses freak out. Sergeant Brenda decides that Final Girl is preggers and the ease and big smile with which she accepts this pisses me off. Come on! As a CO in the middle of a warzone, the last thing you'd be happy about is one of your soldiers being up the frigging duff. Like the fascist army would allow for this to happen, like they wouldn't mandatorily temporarily sterilize their troops considering they're so tolerant of sex happening. Bullshit.

Twitchy bug, in the mean time, has turned into something zombie-ish and Curly bug kindly rips Twitchy's skull off to sic some bugs on leftover soldiers who get quickly buggified.

Final Girl informs Jim of her freak-outs and they tell Troi, who acts somewhat nice. He heads over to inform the general.

Blond Bug, all naked fake tits and blood, has apparantly just lunched on the general. Troi freaks out again and speechifies like a moron, not noticing the buggified sneaking up to him from behind. He gets his throat cut in some ludicrous CGI and the general turns out not eaten but buggified. 

They then attempt to buggify Sergeant Brenda. While I knew this would happen, I still say 'shit', because I liked her.

Jim is locked up in the incinerator again but this time he has the company of a facehugger bug. Final Girl fights with one of the buggers.
Sergeant Brenda kicks some serious ass after injecting herself with something that I assume slows down buggification. She rules, I love her and her head-chopping, head-microwaving ways.
While sergeant Brenda slaughters her way through the bugs, Final Girl still has trouble killing the one guy. 

In the mean time, Jim is attempting to keep the bug out of his head by biting one of its legs. Luckily for him, he gets saved by sergeant Brenda who then kills herself because of the bug in her head. Bastards! Goddammit!

Final Girl frees Jim from his bonds before trying to 'read' the bug that somehow survived Sergeant Brenda's giant gunshot wound to her head. Apparantly, the bugs infected the general so he will go on to infect the upper echelons of the military back home. Therefore, the general must die.

They fry Blonde Bug with an incendiary grenade and she takes ages to die. Nifty.
They get to the general who starts with the taunting but it's boring and genocidal humans suck and 'yawn'.
Fighting happens, buggified people die and the general runs, followed by Final Girl.
Curly Bug opens the outer door and lets the big bugs in but Jim shoots it shut again, but not before Curly gets speared trough the head, which is gorily fun.

Final Girl and the general fight at the top of the building while thousands of screaming (?) giant bugs try to clamber up. In this nick of time, the extraction shuttle arrives. Just as the general attempts to climb aboard, Action man Jim shows up with two big honing guns and splatters the general to bits. Jim plonks Final Girl in the shuttle but for some inane reason, he decided to heroically sacifice himself like a dumbass. 

Back home, he is honoured with a statue and a lame recruitment film. Oh, the irony.
Final Girl and her baby watch the recruitment film and get freaked out when old grizz;led veteran happily calls baby 'meat for the grinder'. Hah!

Conclusion
Seriously unimpressive stuff, especially compared to the first one. Still not as bad as I thought it would be but still a mess with all-round bad acting, bad effects, ugly shots and no script to speak of. Very forgettable.

For the Boys: Naked tits. Fake naked tits.
For the Girls: Naked man chest.
For the Slashers:  Nada.

Woods, gunshots, rednecks and beer. What does this add up to? Dead rednecks.
Who hunts with a 9mm? According to Jackie Brown's Samuel L Jackson, 9 mm jam a lot, but even if they didn't...who the fuck hunts with a handgun?

And out comes the fakest lame-o CGI arm-ripping Sasquatch in the history of ever! Beautiful!

Cue Credits. No vaguely familiar names. Damn, I love to see actors embarass themselves.
I do wonder who keeps making these movies and why? Do these things actually make any monye?

Vaguely odd homo-erotic banter ensues between the rangers and I wonder if the soul-searching eyefucks are implied or just a case of bad directing.

The rangers are going to be escorting a bunch of people that eerily remind me of Pterodactyl. I hope they all get eaten.
Again, ARGH, they throw around their backpacks like they weigh fuck-all! Argh!

Would 5 rangers actually accompany three paleologists on a dig? Wouldn't they just hire a guide or something? 

A leftover redneck gets mauled and eatn like 5 foot from our intrepid team, who remain blissfully unaware despite the growls and screams.
You know, if Bigfoot were so much into the mauling and tearing of limbs, I think we'd have seen him by now.

Yeah right, Lady. Because when you go study gorillas in the middle of civil-war-torn, genocidal, machete-using, gorilla-poaching, slaughtered-Diane-Fossey Rwanda for six months, you don't bring a gun. Aha Ha Ha!

The fuck? Their museum actually funded a dig on the odd chance that some weird gorilla bones - from a possibly escaped circus ape - mist just possibly something else? I wanna work there. "Hey, I found this chicken bone, but it looks a bit screwy, it might actually be some mythical never-before-seen ancestor of the chicken. I call it the Brontochicken, now gimme money."

Oooh wendigo, Supernatural shout-out. This flick could use some Winchesters.

"What's an elephant man?" ?!!! Are you fucking kidding me?! Is anyone really that dumb?

Man, that camera chick has some big jugs.

Twenty-four minutes in and none of the dumb-squad is eaten yet. Le Sigh.

Sure, hiking in a pitch-black forest in the middle of the gorram night is so safe you don't hardly even nedd flashlights. 

Who sleeps in their belted jeans?

A gorilla that buries its dead, that's quite an evolutionary and mental leap there, missy.

I quote (loosely):
"We have to stick together and watch eachothers backs."
"Hey, Spencer, go do a perimeter watch on your own far away from us"
Sticking together, I don't think it means what you think it means. Especially when it takes you SIX hours to notice he's still not back!

Carbon dating is useless for stuff that recent (a few centuries). I think.

It takes the blond camera bimbo to point out the audible lack of wildlife? Those are the worst rangers ever.

Bad acting makes this reviewer cry.

I still love their total lack of flashlight use in the middle of the night.

This is so badly shot and edited. I mean, even Pterodactyl's production values were better than this. Oh well, at least it doesn't have Coolio.

Hey look, Sasquatch is a guy in a bulletproof monkey suit.

I love how they can orient themselves in a pitch black forest without a compass or a map.

This flick is boring.

Okay, I give, that thing with the camera flash, I liked. I saw it coming lightyears away, but I still liked it.

It's called personal responsability, chickie. No one held a gun against bimbo's head to force her to come here. Unless, you're not telling us something. Therefore, it's not your fault she's dead and there's no need to continue wangsting. Thank you. I read that enough in bad fanfic.

Dude, don't stand so close to the open window, Sasquatch can drag you....nevermind, I did warn you. 
Smart Sasquatch, using idiot guy to set off the beartraps. 

I think those guys in the monkey suits must've had fun traipsing through the woods like that, I hope they scared some tourists.

Conclusion
Boring. Repeat 598 times.

For the Girls: Nothing
For the Boys: Large breasts in a bikini top.
For the slashers: Did I mention this was a boring movie?

I have a confession to make; I like Keanu Reeves. No, really.
I don't care if he acts like a two by four; he's cute and that's good enough for me.
So, I'm going to be pretty damn lenient. Also, for me, he still hasn't used up all his Bill and Ted gravy points.

So, on with the story.

Blah blah corporate drive dystopia cakes and brain carriers. Whatever.

You know, I dislike it when guys shave off their sideburns; it makes them look creepy.

Huh, this is the first time I ever noticed Keanu really can't act. Ick. But hey, there's still the pretty.

Hee, how very Matrix-y that plug in his head.

So, he's a suicidal dumbass. meh.

Hey, that guy's thumb looks like it has a finger vibrator on it. Snort.

How very Hackers-esque. (talking about bad movies, now that one was a ripsnorter)

Zen-Keanu with extra bloody nose. If his core temp is 17°C, he'd be dead.

Heh, holo-whip. Every movie should have a Red Dwarf reference. 
Bwaah! then wig, the make-up, the insta-ness of it all!

Hah, Ice-T with facepaint. See, that's what I like about dystopian societies, the wild and whacky facepaint.

Ok, 100 pound Keanu taking on a 250 pound dude and winning is fairly silly.

For a trans-sex bodyguard, (s)he's kinda wimpy.

Meh, Sammy from Supernatural has better visionary headaches.
Also, that's about the worst Yakuza tattoo I've ever seen.

Without make-up, I recognize our heroine, she played Dizzy in Starship Troopers.

He's like a one-man computer whiz A-Team, but with sucky music.

Pink grenade? So much fucking love.

Dolph Lundgren in Jebus outfit? Hee! with a crucifix dagger? Bwaaa!

Her shaking convulsing act is prett damn bad. She should get on the phone with Jamie Bamber.

Heh, ghost in the machine. Who inspired who?

I love how no one at all goes to help out the doc being tortured. 1000 patients in Grand Central Station and no one budges. brilliant.

Somehow this reminds me of Aeon Flux, the animated series.

Oh extra-skinny Keanu, stop whining. Although, yeah I want  "roomservice and a 10 grand a night hooker" too.

Heaven is Elvis' bedroom?

Pretty good make-up on Keanu, he looks like a zombie.

Arrow in the head shoutout!

The Flaming Death of Jebus! Hee!

Man, these F-X suck, they remind me of the Lawnmower Man.

Damn, he should've died, that would've been a much better ending.

Bad evil sucky green screen.

Conclusion

Yeah, that was pretty bad and I normally like futuristic dystopian movies. I love Demolition Man for example.
Not even Keanu could save this stinker although it's funny to see him in a movie that feels like an ultra-lite low budget version of the Matrix.

The only reason I rented this thing is because I was overcome by the utter hotness of Jared Padalecki. Yes, I'm quite that shallow. Paris Hilton was a HUGE deterrent but my base instincts overcame my reluctance.

Also, I never saw the original, so I can draw no parallels, not that there are any or so I was told.

Anyway.

We start with the utter lameness of a prologue. With evil twins. 
Nothing like taping a kid to a highchair to turn it into a psycho killer. They must've known this even in the '70's.

Now.  Oh God. Paris Hilton. Ohgod ohgod ohgod ohgod.

Jared! Suddenly this movie is soooo much better. 
I dive deeply into the shallow end of the pool and I think I'll remain there for the rest of this review. At least until Padalecki gets killed, anyway.

Paris' lips look like two giant pink maggots; she should lay off the collagen.

Shockingly enough, five minutes in, Paris Hilton is not the most annoying character. This is not a good sign.

The Final Girl, her brother and his friend are uninteresting and annoying. They need to die.

Once again, Jared has the honour of driving a fairly neat muscle car. It's no Metallicar but it'll do.

Because blowjobs while driving are hysterical. I'm starting to suspect I'm too old for this kind of 'humour'.


Man, Jared should wear leather more often instead of those damn hoodies on Supernatural. 
While on this topic, this movie would greatly benefit from Dean Winchester.

Dude, you don't steal a car and expect your sister, who knows shit about shit, to cover for you. If my brother was such a gigantic asshole, he'd be dead and buried. And I'm used to fighting with siblings; I've got the scars to prove it.

Ah yes, when your camping ground reeks of corpse, get drunk.
The badness of this movie, it reeks of corpse too.
Thank god, Jared cures a lot of the pain. I should be drunk for this movie.

Creepy car arrives, everyone freaks out. Maybe it's a racist truck.
Snot nosed kids.

Oh yeah, throwing a bottle at a truck is SO hardcore, dude. *eyeroll*

Man, this story drags. 17 minutes in and no corpse yet. Why are you trying to make me care about these people?

Goddamn! Jared looks exquisite in black. 

My god, Paris Hilton speaks the only intelligent line in the movie so far. I'm stunned.

Odd, either Jared Padalecki hasn't hit his growth spurt yet in this movie or everyone is as tall as he is or they're wearing lifts.

Heh, stupid final girl falls up to her shoulders in a pit of decomposing animal carcasses. Aw gross.

Jared, never trust a shady van guy with yellow teeth. Ain't you ever seen a slasher movie? Tsk.

Shady truck guy has a nice knife though. I gave my father a Bowie knife for his birthday once. 
Final Girl is a squeamish tit.

Yes, Jared, you are rude. But you're still cute so I forgive you. And you're humongous and Final Girl is my height, so now I know I'd reach your shoulder if I stood next to you.

Finally, we get to the titular house! And it's actually made from wax. Yah. 

Wax titties! Heh, I'm suddenly a 12-year old boy.

Tsk tsk tsk Jared, when it says 'closed' even if the door's open, it still means 'stay the fuck out'.

It's good to see Sammy Winchester is a geek in all his incarnations.

Yeah, that's it. Lock yourself up in a creepy-ass wax house; you'll certainly be safe there.

Dude, it's called breaking and entering.

Do men actually take a piss standing a foot away from each other when they have an entire forest to pee in?

Dude, you do not go sniffing around in people's rooms. Bad Jared, no cookie!

45 minutes of Boring. You're losing me, Jared.

Ah! Tension and possible gore. 
Ew ew ew! They cut poor Jared's heel tendon! Gross!

Man, he's already dying? Does that mean I still have an entire Jared-less hour to sit through?!

Yeah, dragging 15-feet tall Jared ain't easy, innit.

Poor Jared gets waxified; he suffers prettily. Dean would totally kick evil dude's ass.
The waxification is....funny.

Final Girl discovers the whole town has been waxified. Freaking out ensues.

Ew, bad guy 2 superglues her mouth shut. Vile.

Dude, waxified Jared doesn't in the least bit resemble real Jared. Bwahahahaha! He's still alive even though he was hotwaxed skinless. Snort.

Cool evil lair though, I love the staircase of waxy wailing.
Nice decapitation.

Moving on, boredom ensues.

Wouldn't their eyes rot away? I suppose, evil guy could go around replacing the empty eye sockets afterwards but it seems like a hassle.

Back at the campsite, Paris Hilton strips and shows us nothing we ain’t seen before.

 

Afterwards, her boyfriend gets stabbed through the neck.

Paris screeches (badly) and runs, brassiered tits hanging out.

She actually puts up a bit of a struggle before getting poled through the head. The poles slides easily out of the back of her head, showing it met very little obstruction between the two skull bones. Low blow, so moving on!

 

This reminds me that I really ought to see ‘Whatever happened to Baby Jane’

 

Dude, you shoot him in the arms? What, was his gigantic chest too hard to aim for?

 

You may be siblings, but it’s called personal space, man. Look into it.

 

I swear, 50 minutes of this movie is people sneaking around slowly. Thank god for the fast forward button.

 

So, evil wax dude us an evil separated, mutilated, wax-mask-wearing, evil Siamese twin? Okay then.

 

See, this is why you kill the bad guy the moment you can.

 

The endlessitude of this movie is endless.

 

Hee! His head came off!

 

Yah, see, that’s the trouble with wax, it burns and melts.

 

The melting set, though cool, must’ve been hell to shoot on.

 

It’s a wax door, lady, it ain’t gonna stop anything.

 

Awooga! Bad CGI alert! BAD CGI! Evil!

 

Melted like that, the wax should be scalding them.

 

Oh please, old yellow teeth is the third brother? Lame.

 

Conclusion

 

You know there’s something wrong with your movie when Paris Hilton ain’t the worst in it.

I can stand stupid movies, my previous reviews can attest to that; but I hate boring movies. And this one is a drag. Nothing happens during good 75% of the time. When I see a slasher movie, I want some gore. This did not deliver, at all.

 

And taking away my eye candy one third into the movie doesn’t help either.

I fast forwarded through at least 45-50 minutes. Bad Movie, no cookie.
Well, at least it didn’t have Coolio in it.

For the Boys: Paris Hilton stripping to her underwear
For the Girls: Barechested Jared Padalecki and Chad Michael Murray
For the Slashers njet

 

I saw the original Anaconda at a 4$ a movie deal. I think it must've been the second movie out of the three we watched that day and it was still the worst. Seeing the other two were Matilda and Jingle all the way, that's saying something.
But, since I'm on a bad moves kick and my DVD club had the sequel, I decided it would be a good choice.
Hell, as long as Coolio ain't in it, it can't be too bad. I hope.

Here we go.

"Screen Gems presents." Screen Gems?! Yah.

Junglescape and music. Amazon-type Indians hunting tiger. So you're expecting me to believe that in Borneo you'll find Aras, some type of Howler Monkey and Anacondas all together. Seriously?
Anyway....

After a chase, one of the natives ends up Conda chow.

Cut to Bright Lights, Big City and as if we wouldn't recognise the Manhattan skyline - even WTC-less - they neatly gives us a title card *eyeroll*

Blah Blah pharmaceuticals cakes; the Blood Orchid is apparantly the equivalent of the fountain of youth. Many $$ involved and a very small timeframe in which to gather up the stinkweed.
Our soon-to-be-devoured team head off to Borneo.

The British guy's accent sounds fake. Let's IMDB....nope, it's me. Or maybe he's hamming it up.

Hellooooo nurse! Co-captain Tran is hot! Weee, eye-candy!
And Weee! some more because Captain Johnson is played by the ever-hot Johnny Messner. Happy now!

Anyway, the boat they rented for 50k is a heap of crap which they all bitch about even though they have two totally hot guys to ogle so they should just shut the fuck up.

Blathering ensues, bitching ensues, and boredom ensues. Get on with the movie already.

Hey, the captain's monkey - and how dirty does that sound? - acts exactly like my cat. Hell, that monkey just out-acted every human in this thing.

Bitchy manages to fall in the water due to re-enacting the "can you hear me now" commercial but alas, she does not get eaten by the attacking croc which is wrestled into submission and death by Captain Tarzan Hotpants. The dead croc gets quickly devoured by 'something big'.

You know, it's nice when teh pretty can distract me from the utter ennui of the storyline and the triteness of the characters and their pseudo-romantics.
We want more Giant Killer Snakes! *waves protest board*

In another Tarzan scene, there is 'waterfall' peril but they still go over the edge and the boat goes kablooey. Also, they should all be dead.

Hee, stranded in the middle of the Bornean jungle and they decide to hike so they can meet up with one of Captain Tarzan Hotpants' friends, who turns out to be untrustable in the 2.5 seconds he's on screen before he dies.

Ah yes, wading through swampy disease-ridden, mosquito-riddled swampland is such a brilliant idea. Not counting the leeches and urethra-swimming bugs.

Monkey-vision shows us the Big Giant Snake swimming amongst the oblivious waders in a fairly cool scene. BTW, the monkey is still the better actor.

Everyone gets tense when one of the guys has a freakout about things moving in the water, but hey dude, you're wading to jungle swampland, what do you expect? Another guy hums the Jaws tune which Hee! But the fact he then gets eaten is the really funny part.

Anyway, they leg it to dry land and proceed to freak the fuck out.
Yet, since scientists are apparantly idiotic money-hoarders - and for once the corporate exec is the fairly nice one - lead science guy decides to continue the expedition. Captain Hotstuff vetoes this decision.

After a nice shout-out to the first movie (continuity yay!) we finally get the leeches I've been expecting since the first toe-dip in the swamp.
And hell! Captain Hotpants is strong! *Swoon* Woo! Captain Hotpants/Cole slashiness!
But ew leeches and creepy spiders.

In the mean time, shady boat guy gets eaten ass-first; the boat careens into some rocks and explodes.
More freaking ensues.

Also, I didn't win the lottery just now so I'm pissed now. That'll teach me to fantasize about private Hawaiian beaches and owning the copyright to Supernatural. Sigh.

Anyway, movie.
They search the boat leftovers but find nothing. They then decide to head to an ex-headhunter village where they hope to ask for help.

While hacking through the jungle, the poorly digested body of Shady Boat Guy falls out of the trees and Captain Hotpants emotes his pretty green eyes out.

Headhunter Village: many skeletons hanging about and a dead Anaconda with some guy's legs sticking out of its belly. Hee! The village is deserted for the rest and there are no boats. So, they decide to build a boat with the wood lying around. Does this mean there will be shirtless sweaty Captain Hotstuff? Yay!

Scientist Guy discovers that the snakes get so big because they eat the orchids. I guess not even Anacondas can stomach an all-protein diet.
More blathering ensues between Crazy Scientist Guy, who is still eager to look for the flower, and the rest of the team. For once, the sane people win.

Captain Hotpants indeed gets bare-chested and the next scene or two are drowned away by the buckets of drool. I love this movie.

Crazy Scientist was apparantly hiding a satellite phone all along, which is discovered by Corp Guy who immidiatly gets treated to a coma-inducing spider-bite and free lunch with a Giant Killer Snake before he can warn the others. Crazy Scientist then nicks the boat and calls someone to say everyone except he is dead.

More freaking out happens back in the village until they decide to go find the raft by taking another hike through the dangerous jungle. Sigh.

Cole gets separated from the group and blows his top over a bunch of skeletons. I like him, he panics about everything. It's fairly realistic; I bet I'd handle this situation the same way.
Unfortunately, while rescuing Cole, Co-captain Tran gets eaten. And what a fucking waste of prettiness that is.
The snake attacks again but gets beheaded by Blonde Chick, which is fairly nifty.

The snake had family though because its great-aunt attacks and drags Cole along. Captain Hotpants to the rescue when they find Cole being slowly crushed to death. Captain Hotpants kills the snake with a knife the size of a nail file and seems mightily worried about three-quarters dead Cole until the goddamn chicks show up and give mouth-to-mouth. Sigh.

Cole lives; for how lone, one wonders. But ooooh, we get some nice hand-cheek cradling action from Captain Hotstuff and my slashy world is right again. I'm so easy.

Back to, who gives a fuck about Crazy Scientist Guy? who is still looking for the stinkweed. Of course, seeing the only carbs the snakes are getting is in the form of the flower, I doubt they'll be willing to just hand it over.

Our team finally catches up and decides to head for the raft but Crazy Scientist stops them while shooting Captain Hotpants. You die now!
OK, so it's only a flesh wound but still woe to you if you screwed up one of his tattoos.

Crazy Scientist then ties up Cole who, let's be fair, poses no threat at all. He like weighs 100 pounds soaking wet.

Anyway, to -finally- get to the flower, Crazy Scientist forces Blonde Chick to crawl over a rickety bridge which is suspended above a pool filled with mating Giant Killer Anacondas.
Captain Hotstuff then decides to kick Crazy Scientist's ass but fails. Instead coma-inducing spider does its thing which makes Paralysed Crazy Scientist plummet into the Pool-O-Pleasure where after a bit, he gets munched.
Blonde Chick gets rescued and the monkey still out acts everyone.

They drench the snakes with gasoline; shoot a flare in one of the attacking snake’s beak and the Pool-O-Pleasure a-splodes into a giant fireball of DOOM, destroying orchids right along with it.

So, basically, 5 people lost their lives for no reason whatsoever.

To my utter shock and surprise 4 people actually survive and I like most of them.

Yay!

Conclusion

It's not often that a sequel 'outshines' the original movie but here it manages it.
OK, so the adding of a lot of pretty helps, but still.
I liked this well enough and the director was wise enough to not really show the entire snakes in broad daylight, which was a big mistake in the first movie as it painfully showcased the atrocious CGI.
Also, the lack of Jon Voight, Jon Voight's leer and J-Lo helps.

Anyway, it's a fairly entertaining popcorn flick. Not the worst I ever saw and nothing to go out of your way for but pick it up when you're bored and there's nothing on TV.

For the Boys: Nothing except for some sweaty cleavage
For the Girls: Captain Hotpants and Co-captain Tran
For the Slashers: There is the obvious Captain Hotstuff/Tran option but I much prefer the Captain Hotstuff/Cole one what with the leech removal, the snake rescue and the face-cradling thing.

 

Well, the beginning with the two teens is fairly nice and gruesome

Director of photography Martin Fuhrer. Talk about an unlucky name

If that church were an actual archaeological find, it's be so damn cool.

Well, that accident is clearly Christina Ricci's fault, seeing she crossed the road inadvertently and suddenly.

Fuck the church, that discovery would belong to the state.

You know, Ricci has some huge boobs for such a small girl.

Also, sweetie, that's called a mansion, not a house.

No kid in the world would tolerate such a creepy clown painting in their room

Not to be nitpicky, but would a child that refuses to talk, and as such be considered emotionally traumatised, even attend a normal public school?

Heh, Hornblower.

Now I recognise the priest, he was the brother in law from Persuasion.

For working alone, our archaeologist has assembled quite a team.

You know, the creepy kid cliché was overdone back when the Sixth Sense came out.
Idem for demonic dogs.

Damn, I'd forgotten quite how cute Ioan is.

This is turning very Turn of the Screw.

Dude, facts are facts. 19th century driftwood ain't a piece of the Holy Cross and letting people believe it - while they donate generous amounts to your church - is and always will be a disgusting scam.

Oh poo, you're hanging a church/child abuse angle on this. pft.

Cool, the watchers in the church were there at all gruesome historical events.
Wait, haven't I already seen a movie like that? Something with time travellers and an explosion in a school?

Dude, that's totally Ragetti, Mackenzie Crook from the Office. Hee!

I knew he was going to be smushed by a truck! Hah! I rule.

So, Freddie's gonna slaughter 3/4 of the town with a buck rifle and the watchers watch. Aren't there some genocides in Africa the can go witness? Honestly.

Heh, Ioan is a watcher too, I didn't expect that. Bwahahahaha! So is Christina?!

Question, why is she American?

So what, her selfless act doesn't save her? Well, that's stupid and definitely not a religion I'd want to be a part of. Hell, they got stuck this way anyway for daring to glance at the crucifixion. Such spite and petty vengefulness.

Ah, so she now is free, or something.

WHAT?! They're gonna BURY the church?! Sacrilege! ARGH! Shame on you! The cultural value is much greater than some damned Christian sensibilities. Boo!
This just ruined the entire movie for me! 



Conclusion

It's a rip-off. Not only has this story been done better in 1992's Grand Tour: Disaster in Time, but it's cheap. This had the potential of being a very cool movie. The basic premise was awesome to work with, the buried church fascinating but the end result was predictable, trite and silly.
I'm quite quite disappointed.

For the Boys: Blonde Christina with bouncy boobs
For the Girls: Ioan?
For the Slashers: Ha! Nada.