Extensive Notes Review: Sasquatch Hunters
Woods, gunshots, rednecks and beer. What does this add up to? Dead rednecks.
Who hunts with a 9mm? According to Jackie Brown's Samuel L Jackson, 9 mm jam a lot, but even if they didn't...who the fuck hunts with a handgun?
And out comes the fakest lame-o CGI arm-ripping Sasquatch in the history of ever! Beautiful!
Cue Credits. No vaguely familiar names. Damn, I love to see actors embarass themselves.
I do wonder who keeps making these movies and why? Do these things actually make any monye?
Vaguely odd homo-erotic banter ensues between the rangers and I wonder if the soul-searching eyefucks are implied or just a case of bad directing.
The rangers are going to be escorting a bunch of people that eerily remind me of Pterodactyl. I hope they all get eaten.
Again, ARGH, they throw around their backpacks like they weigh fuck-all! Argh!
Would 5 rangers actually accompany three paleologists on a dig? Wouldn't they just hire a guide or something?
A leftover redneck gets mauled and eatn like 5 foot from our intrepid team, who remain blissfully unaware despite the growls and screams.
You know, if Bigfoot were so much into the mauling and tearing of limbs, I think we'd have seen him by now.
Yeah right, Lady. Because when you go study gorillas in the middle of civil-war-torn, genocidal, machete-using, gorilla-poaching, slaughtered-Diane-Fossey Rwanda for six months, you don't bring a gun. Aha Ha Ha!
The fuck? Their museum actually funded a dig on the odd chance that some weird gorilla bones - from a possibly escaped circus ape - mist just possibly something else? I wanna work there. "Hey, I found this chicken bone, but it looks a bit screwy, it might actually be some mythical never-before-seen ancestor of the chicken. I call it the Brontochicken, now gimme money."
Oooh wendigo, Supernatural shout-out. This flick could use some Winchesters.
"What's an elephant man?" ?!!! Are you fucking kidding me?! Is anyone really that dumb?
Man, that camera chick has some big jugs.
Twenty-four minutes in and none of the dumb-squad is eaten yet. Le Sigh.
Sure, hiking in a pitch-black forest in the middle of the gorram night is so safe you don't hardly even nedd flashlights.
Who sleeps in their belted jeans?
A gorilla that buries its dead, that's quite an evolutionary and mental leap there, missy.
I quote (loosely):
"We have to stick together and watch eachothers backs."
"Hey, Spencer, go do a perimeter watch on your own far away from us"
Sticking together, I don't think it means what you think it means. Especially when it takes you SIX hours to notice he's still not back!
Carbon dating is useless for stuff that recent (a few centuries). I think.
It takes the blond camera bimbo to point out the audible lack of wildlife? Those are the worst rangers ever.
Bad acting makes this reviewer cry.
I still love their total lack of flashlight use in the middle of the night.
This is so badly shot and edited. I mean, even Pterodactyl's production values were better than this. Oh well, at least it doesn't have Coolio.
Hey look, Sasquatch is a guy in a bulletproof monkey suit.
I love how they can orient themselves in a pitch black forest without a compass or a map.
This flick is boring.
Okay, I give, that thing with the camera flash, I liked. I saw it coming lightyears away, but I still liked it.
It's called personal responsability, chickie. No one held a gun against bimbo's head to force her to come here. Unless, you're not telling us something. Therefore, it's not your fault she's dead and there's no need to continue wangsting. Thank you. I read that enough in bad fanfic.
Dude, don't stand so close to the open window, Sasquatch can drag you....nevermind, I did warn you.
Smart Sasquatch, using idiot guy to set off the beartraps.
I think those guys in the monkey suits must've had fun traipsing through the woods like that, I hope they scared some tourists.
Conclusion
Boring. Repeat 598 times.
For the Girls: Nothing
For the Boys: Large breasts in a bikini top.
For the slashers: Did I mention this was a boring movie?