pbmaxca, posts by tag: funny - LiveJournal

 They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail
I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favour. She became indignant and informed me she was Educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the Money back .... same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.
 
They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail
I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.' 'They're already buy-one-get-one-free,' she said, 'so I guess they're both free'.   She Handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.
 
They Walk Among Us!
One day I was walking down the beach with some Friends when one of them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!'. Someone looked up at the sky and said, 'Where'?
 
They Walk Among Us!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real Estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff.'
 
They Walk Among Us!!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open I told him, 'The number you dialled is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.' He responded, 'Is that Eastern or Pacific time?' Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, 'Uh, Pacific.'
 
They Walk Among Us!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
 

They Walk Among Us!
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
 
They Walk Among Us!
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?'
 
They Walk Among Us!
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man Ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked Him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.'
 
 
They Walk Among Us -  
and they Reproduce

Some people have way too much free time!

---

Leah Garchik
Leah Garchik

Thursday, February 14, 2008

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Leah Garchik
Recent Columns

Leah Garchik: Overheard love quotes, part 3
02/14/2008
Leah Garchik: Overheard love quotes, part 2
02/13/2008
Leah Garchik: Overheard love quotes
02/12/2008
Leah Garchik Archive
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As in most dramas, whether there's to be a happy ending or not, the climax comes just before the denouement. We pick up this final installment of the told-by-quote Valentine's Day story in the middle of severe relationship angst.


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Reality has set in and it's not all that pretty:

-- "Well, when I said I loved you ..." (Man on cell phone, overheard in Walgreens by Jean Tepper.)

-- "It was a little bit on the outer perimeter of my comfort zone." (One woman to another, overheard at a cafe in Sausalito by Clint Wilder.)

-- "By the way, I'm not with you." Woman to man, overheard on Solano Avenue in Berkeley by Jim Govek.)

-- "It's not that I don't like you. I'm just bored." (Teenage girl on cell phone, overheard at Target by Cliff Christensen.)

-- "He called me a stalker. I said, 'You don't know the difference between a stalker and love.' " (Young woman on cell phone on BART, overheard by Marilyn Miller.)

-- "You better hide. You're only five minutes from her house." (Woman on cell phone, overheard in ladies' room at Macy's Stanford by Kathy Lucas.)

-- "Usually, when people are having sex with me, they're in a totally different space than I am." (Man to man, overheard at an AIDS fundraiser at the Eagle Tavern by Sam Crocker.)

-- "I don't know which is worse: your wife's issues or my wife's spending." (Sharply dressed man on cell phone, overheard in Cal-Mart parking lot at Laurel Village.)

There are deals and there are deal-breakers:

-- "She and I were going to break up a year ago, but there are dogs involved." (Man in his mid-30s, overheard on the chairlift at Sierra-at-Tahoe by Paul Baker.)

-- "I said to her, 'The relationship is over because I don't share your opinion of Terry Gross?' " (Young woman to young man, overheard at Lyon and Richardson by Libby Smith.)

-- "Don't you ever - ever! - buy me a steering wheel for Christmas. You'll be wearing it." (Woman to man, overheard at Mudd's restaurant in San Ramon by Steve Dimick.)

-- "It's not promiscuity, just an honest need for freedom." (Male cashier to bagger at Whole Foods in San Francisco, overheard by Linda and Ed Calhoun.)

-- "He was cheating on me with his fiancee!" (Angry young woman on cell phone, overheard in Antigua, Guatemala, by Graham Bell.)

Things can go so far south, they're Antarctic:

-- "My ex-wife just canceled my Costco membership. Can you believe that? That's cold." (Man at Starbucks in Lafayette, heard by Andrew Moran.)

-- "I'm great. I mean, I feel great. I'm not great. I mean, I am great. Someone married me once. HE thought I was great. That was a long time ago." (Woman's detailed answer to the question, "How are you?" overheard in a San Anselmo coffee shop by Stan Sinberg.)

-- "And those weren't just your ordinary cigarette burns." (Young woman on Lakeshore Avenue in Oakland, overheard by Caryn Combis.)

Then, memories may be the best thing left:

-- "I remember you from the early part of the relationship when you had, like, this huge underbite." (Man embracing woman before getting into a taxi, overheard on 18th Street in the Mission District by E. Eastman.)

-- "Remember when the tree fell on that woman? That ruined that date." (Woman on cell phone, overheard in a Noe Valley bookstore, overheard by Steven Marker.)

-- "I was best man at her wedding." (Woman to friend, overheard at Caffe Delle Stelle by Jim Willenborg.)

But when the stars are aligned, the tea leaves are in place, the tarot cards fall right and parking spots abound:

-- "Have you ever actually serenaded a woman?" (Man to man, overheard at the Richmond Costco by Michele Accorsi.)

-- "You know what I like most about how far our relationship has come? We're both now equally greedy." (Man to woman, overheard in the parking lot of the North Berkeley Safeway by Kary Schulman.)

-- "He definitely is not for you. He is too nice." (Woman on cell phone at Foster City Costco, overheard by E. Baluyut.)

-- "He doesn't know what he's talking about (pause, sigh). I guess that's why I married him." (Middle-aged woman to friend, overheard at Trader Joe's in Westlake by Bill Gnoss.)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And thus, friend to friend pushing a grocery cart through aisles of crackers and frozen fish, this year's romantic installment ends. Fade to pink and for God's sake, make sure the violins are in tune.

Public eavesdropping
"Oh my God, I am so mad at her, I deleted her from my Top 8."

Teenager at Ukiah High, taking revenge via MySpace.com, overheard by Savannah Russell

Open for business at (415) 777-8426 or e-mail lgarchik@sfchronicle.com.

This article appeared on page E - 5 of the San Francisco Chronicle

Things To Do At Wal-Mart While You Wait For Your Family To Shop

• Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples' carts when they aren't looking.
  
• Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.
  
• Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
  
• Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, I think we have a code 3 in housewares, and see what happens.
  
• Put some M&M's on lay away.
  
• Move CAUTION WET FLOOR signs to carpet areas.
  
• Set up a tent in the camping department, tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
  
• When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, Why won't you people leave me alone.
  
• Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
  
• Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible.'
  
• While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
  
• In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
  
• Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through whisper PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!
  
• When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream NO! NO! It's those voices again!
  
• Go to the fitting room and yell real loud...Hey we're out of toilet paper in here!