I’m a visitor on Big Island in Hawaii. I swing by a convenience store and find myself giggling at a sign on prominent display at the checkout, containing some bullet points:

Sign:

• Hawaii is a state in the United States, so you’re still in America.
• Yes, we accept US Dollars, because this is still America.
• Thank you for saying our English is good, because… still America.
• If you’re not from the USA, this sign does not apply to you.

Me: “Funny sign.”

Cashier: “It’s not meant to be funny. It’s a vital PSA.”

Me: “I’m so sorry to hear that.”

Cashier: “Jokes on me, I guess. Half of ’em can’t even read anyway…”

Some guy starts to use our street-side ATM, but quickly looks annoyed and storms inside. He interrupts me as I’m helping a customer.

Guy: “That thing only comes in English and French!”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Guy: “I don’t want ‘English’! I want ‘American’!”

Customer: “I’m afraid you’ll have to settle for English, sir. They used to have American, but the ATM kept getting clogged when it had to dispense all the freedom credits.”

Guy: “Is that a joke?!”

Customer: “Sir, I assure you that I take the dispensing of freedom credits very seriously. Without them, how could you be expected to keep reminding us how much freedom you have?”

I jump in here and reassure the guy that if he understands ‘English’ then he’ll get by, which he begrudgingly accepts, but not before glaring at my customer one more time before storming out.

Customer: “Sorry, but that was so ridiculous I couldn’t help myself. I’ve never met a cartoon character in real life before…”

The story, Would Rather Be A Buzzkill Than A Bearkill, reminded me that wildlife does not need to be large to mess you up for good. 

Years ago, as tourist season was ending, my father found himself getting a coffee in a famous terrace overlooking the sea. A young kitchen hand was taking advantage of the slow day to fish from the parapet of the terrace. At some point, the sinker dipped, and the boy started pulling up a small, ugly brown fish. My father immediately recognized it for a Greater Weever, a species with poisonous spines on its back, and rushed towards the boy.

Father: “Wait, wait! Don’t…”

Kitchen Hand: “What the f*** do you want, old—AHAAAAAAAAAH!”

The boy was still reeling in the fish as he was replying to my father, and as soon as the fish sensed being grabbed, it had raised its spikes and done its thing.

Father: “Now you know what the f*** I wanted.”

The best remedy against Greater Weever poison is hot water. The best prevention is wearing reef shoes and not manhandling unknown fish!

I work for a tour company a little north of Yellowknife in Canada’s Northwest Territories. Most of our tourists come in the winter for the northern lights and to have a wintery experience, but we have plenty of nature and beauty to see in the middle of summer, too!

Tourist: “If we wanted to visit [region], what time would we need to start heading back to Yellowknife to be in time for the fireworks?”

Me: “Fireworks?”

Tourist: “The Fourth of July fireworks, silly! That’s tonight, right?”

Me: “Uh… no, ma’am. This is Canada.”

Tourist: “Canada is in North America! America!”

Me: “July 4^th is a US holiday, ma’am. We don’t celebrate it in Canada. Also, good luck seeing fireworks when the sun sets close to midnight.”

Tourist: “Midnight?! What!”

Me: “Is it your first day here, ma’am?”

Tourist: “We… we got in yesterday.”

Me: “And you didn’t notice the sun setting very late?”

Tourist: “I thought they were, like… practise fireworks.”

I explained a bit more, and she finally seemed to understand how far north we were, and that Canada is not the USA. I also had to explain why there wasn’t snow on the ground when it was 25°C/77°F outside.

A customer is in our little rural café on the west coast of Ireland. They’ve parked up in a rental car, walked in from the rain, and before even looking at the small menu, have started to complain about pretty much everything to the cashier.

Customer: “I can’t believe I came all this way to look at the cliffs and it’s raining!”

Cashier: “Yes, weather can be unpredictable in these parts.”

Customer: “And the road to get here! Oh my God! Tiny! How do they expect tourists to drive from Galway out here?”

The cashier has realised this guy isn’t listening, just ranting, so:

Cashier: “We’ll replace the cliffs with a nice six-lane highway for you.”

Customer: *Not listening.* “If your country cared about getting tourists here, they’d have real infrastructure in place for us!”

Cashier: “You must be exhausted carrying all that expertise around.”

Customer: “And there’s nothing to see on the way here! Just fields and more f***** fields! And then when you get here, there’s nowhere to park! All those fields, but nowhere for me to park!”

Cashier: “You seem disappointed we haven’t turned the whole country into a parking lot. Don’t worry, we’ll run your suggestions past the sheep.”

Customer: “This is not going to review well when I get home!”

Cashier: “The country’s been here longer than yours. I think it’ll survive your review.”

Customer: *Finally snapping out of it.* “Well… aren’t you going to get my order?”

Cashier: “Are… you going to tell me?!”

Customer: “Oh… have I not done that yet?”