Some friends of mine from the USA are visiting the UK for the first time. They’re from a less-densely populated part of the States, so they’re used to wide open spaces, even wider roads, pick-up trucks, etc.

We’re going down ‘The Tube’ (our subway) for the first time. They’re enamoured with the whole concept of public transport.

Me: “So, how are you enjoying the trip so far?”

US Friend #1: “It’s great! Everyone here is so friendly!”

US Friend #2: “I could hear the accent for days.”

At this point in our journey down to the platform, I have forgotten the most important social rule of taking the tube. The escalator etiquette: always stand on the right and leave the left side completely clear so those in a hurry can walk. We’re all standing in a tight pack, excitedly discussing things, when a Londoner standing behind us (whom we haven’t noticed) coughs loudly. We all turn to look at him.

Londoner: “Excellent defensive formation, lads. The Romans would be proud.”

Whoops. I apologise, and we make a path for him to hurry down.

US Friend #2: “See what I mean? I know he just insulted us, but it still sounded amazing!”

There’s a small dollar store in a shopping center that I like going to because it’s conveniently located near other retailers I visit while doing errands.

This store is in a small shopping center, and people are prone to taking the carts out to their cars and leaving them in the parking lot rather than taking them back to the store, which is only a few hundred feet away at most, because the parking lot is small. 

And because the store itself is also small, they don’t have a large number of carts, which means some days, all of the carts are left in the parking lot.

Since I know it can be frustrating to have to return to the lot to track down a cart, I typically try to grab two or three carts as I head into the store so that other shoppers can have a cart.

On the day of this story, the weather is pleasant, and I’m not in a hurry, so I round up half a dozen carts and am pushing them toward the store when a woman approaches me. Note: I also have my nine-year-old son with me, who has one hand on the cart farthest away from me to help me keep them straight.

Woman: “Ugh, finally! I’ve been standing out here for like fifteen minutes waiting for a cart! You should move faster! This is ridiculous!”

Me: “Okay, well, I don’t work here. I just felt like being a Good Samaritan today, so…” *Shrugs.* “Just take a cart and get to shopping, I guess?”

Woman: *Huffs.* “How rude! You should round up the carts ASAP so that your customers don’t have to wait to do their shopping! Some of us have better things to do than wait on lazy slugs like you!”

My son, who is slightly autistic and does NOT like rude people, gives her a dirty look.

Woman: *Glaring at my son.* “And what’s your problem?!”

Son: *Glaring right back at her.* “You are! You’re a rude person, lady! You need to go learn your manners! My mama doesn’t work here and is just tryin’ to be a nice person, so someone old or holdin’ a baby might can get a cart faster because they need it! You’re a mean person!

At this, the woman turns beet red and mutters to herself before storming into the store.

Son: *Glaring after her and puffing up his cheeks.* “I don’t like that lady! I hope a house falls on her like The Wizard of Oz!”

I nearly choked on my laughter as I told my son that he has to ignore awful people like that. We passed her twice while we were shopping, and both times, my son glared at her, and she turned red as she looked away.

I overheard a charity worker with a clipboard approach a shopper in the high street.

Charity Worker: “Do you care about the environment?”

Shopper: *Not slowing his gait one bit.* “Deeply! That’s why I’m trying not to stand in it too long!”

My toddlersaurus, TS, gets bored in the grocery store, so we “hunt” things mama asks her to get.

TS: *Running down the meat aisle.* “Rawww! I’m a raptor! You’re a daddy T-rex!”

I hand her meat, which she brings to mama.

TS: “Mama raptor eats meat.”

She zooms down the produce aisle.

TS: “Rawww! I’m a triceratops!”

She grabs the banana she wants and ‘sneaks’ it into the basket. A few people are laughing.

She runs off down another aisle, shaking her ‘tail’.

TS: “Rawww! I’m an ankylosaurus!”

She stops short, points at a random, tired-looking woman, and says:

TS: “She not a dinosaur.”

Woman: *Laughs.* “No, not today, I’m just tired.”

As I’m passing, she is still laughing.

Related:
Circles, And Dinosaurs, And Ghosts, Oh My!

It’s 11:55 PM. Some friends and I have walked back to my place from a bar to continue talking and drinking, and to order some food. We walk into the kitchen to see my housemate sitting there at the table with three slices of pizza in front of him. He’s staring at the clock.

Me: “Uh… what are you doing?”

Housemate: “Waiting for midnight.”

Me: “Why?”

Housemate: “So my calorie budget resets and I can finish the rest of this pizza.”