Marina

OH MY GOD THE DAY HAS ARRIVED.

Well, the night, really. THE NIGHT HAS ARRIVED. The night has arrived when I MAKE THIS FUCKING ENTRY and get to have my life back. I know I haven't been around lately, guys, but I just wrote a PRIMER IN FOUR PARTS about some hockey dude, OK? It's been... busy >_o

Anyway, let's get to it.

This is Alexander Ovechkin:



(I am going to be calling him Sasha, Alex, Ovie, Ovechkin and possibly a few other names. English speakers, do not be alarmed! These names are all correct and I reserve the right to switch it up as context requires.)



This dude was born in 1985 in Moscow, Russia:



And today he is generally acknowledged to be one of the best hockey players in the world.





Thing you probably can't tell about Sasha based on the following photos: he's had his front tooth knocked out and his nose broken like 5 times.







This is partially because Ovechkin has two COMPLETELY DIFFERENT profiles, depending on which side of his face is being photographed. Example:





(You know you've looked at too many pictures of Ovie when you have a FAVORITE SIDE OF HIS FACE.)

Anyway, none of these injuries get in the way of him having a good time on a regular basis:



Now, let's have a little HISTORY! Including items such as: childhood trauma, awesome moms and happy endings.



So, Ovechkin, like many star hockey players, is from a family of athletes (seriously, THIS FUCKING SPORT), but his story is different from a lot of other hockey players' in that 1) one of his parents was REALLY SUCCESSFUL at sports 2) they didn't ACTUALLY WANT ALEX TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HOCKEY.

This is… actually sort of unusual on the hockey landscape! At least among the current crop of superstars. Usually hockey stars in the US/Canada hail from hockey families where the parents/siblings are also involved in the sport/are huge fans/former players.


Picture of Alex dragging his older brother around the hockey rink because HIS BROTHER DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO SKATE. (His brother is the one in the middle, their friend is the one in the back, lol.)

Alex's dad was a professional soccer player (goalie) who had, you know, a career in sports but didn't rise very high or get any particular media attention.

Alex's mom, on the other hand, Tatiana Ovechkina, has TWO GOLD MEDALS from THE OLYPMICS. She was a basketball player and later the coach of Moscow's "Dynamo" women's basketball team which, under her tutelage, went on to win 6 national championships and two European championships. Needless to say, many of the women she coached were chosen to be on Russia's national basketball team as well.

Um, let's recap! Sasha's mom was part of Russia's national basketball team, WON TWO OLYMPICS while doing this, then went to coach a hugely successful basketball team in the capital winning SIX NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIPS.


(Alex with the woman who gave birth to him and his dog Gera who, if video evidence is to be believed, travels between continents regularly.)

So, let's just say the standard in that family is set PRETTY HIGH.

(Occasionally in interviews Tatiana, who's usually hugely supportive of her son, obviously, says things like "Yes, Sasha has done very well, of course, but he and I both know there's still things to strive for. There's still the Stanley Cup and an Olympic gold medal, he knows he has a lot of work ahead of him yet." You know, JUST A STANLEY CUP AND OLYMPIC GOLD, lolol. It's what every mother expects!

Am I the only person who grew up with parents would usually say things like "Yes, yes, getting 99% on this exam is very impressive, but WHY WASN'T IT 100%?" Just me? /o\)

Anyway, Alex is the youngest of three brothers (and his oldest brother was like 14 years older than him) so you know his family basically spoiled the hell out of him whenever they were able. His mom and dad generally live with him in DC, and cook him food and keep his place livable, as is the custom with most hugely successful hockey families.



In 2003, just as Alex was beginning to negotiate his NHL contract and deal with that whole aspect of his career his mom retired from coaching full time. Instead she basically became his agent and manager. I say "basically" because she DID become his agent and manager a few years after his career took off and he negotiated his latest contract – earning him 124 million dollars, the biggest contract in NHL history – through her.

She was also the person who met with all the scouts and agents and whatever when he was 16-17 and being considered for the NHL. Some quotes from The Ovechkin Project, a book I wouldn't recommend in a million years but that does dig up some interesting quotes/interviews:



And about the time an agent met the Ovechkins for dinner in the process of trying to woo Alex to join an NHL team:



You have to scroll through a lot of eyerolling OMG A WOMAN WITH POWER WHAT IS THIS hockey nastiness when reading articles about Tatiana, especially in English, but yeah. SHE KNOWS HOW THIS SHIT IS PLAYED, OK. She's an expert in this business and if her teenage son happens to be up for some awesome things? YOU BET YOUR ASS she's going to be involved.

I mean really, the Florida Panthers tried to recruit him when he WASN'T EVEN OLD ENOUGH, that's how hot of an asset Alex was:

He was so highly regarded that the Florida Panthers attempted to draft him in the 2003 NHL Entry Draft in the 9th round, even though his birthday was two days after the cut-off (September 15, 1985). Rick Dudley, the general manager of the Panthers, claimed the pick was legitimate, claiming that Ovechkin was old enough with leap years taken into consideration.

-_____- SERIOUSLY.


Sasha is WTF about these shenanigans.

Anyway, let's get to the ORIGINS STORY of how Sasha got into hockey, shall we?

According to his parents he got into hockey when he was 2 and his dad, who was watching sports, switched the channel to a hockey game and then was about to keep flipping when Sasha went all quiet and fascinated and then protested loudly when his dad tried changing the channel.

Sasha's parents, on the other hand, were REALLY NOT INTO their youngest son getting into a sport that's as injury-heavy as hockey. They wanted him to be an athlete! It runs in the family! Sports are awesome! BUT MUST IT BE HOCKEY >_<

Finally when Sasha was like 7-8 his oldest brother, Sergei, signed him up for a kiddy hockey team. Until then Sasha had been playing hockey on skates with his friends in the courtyard of the apartment building he grew up in, using tennis balls for pucks. So THE FIRST TIME the guy who at 17 was being pursued by a bunch of NHL teams stepped on the ice with a hockey stick was when he was 7-8. SERIOUSLY.

Furthermore, while Sasha was good enough to keep on the team, he was in no way spectacular. Not that tall, not that broad, a good player but not in any way exceptional. Eventually his parents came around, however, to the idea that Sasha REALLY LOVED THIS and the coaches were supportive and encouraging and so the Ovechkins hired a personal coach who trained their son 3 times a day – once at 7am, once after school and once in the evening – to help him improve.

(There's a Russian clip I'm not posting here where Sasha talks about how he (and presumably other boys who practiced as well) would always be late for first period, so the teachers deliberately switched up the class schedule so "all the unimportant stuff would be taught in the morning". When asked to clarify he explains that the "unimportant stuff" was "natural sciences" and what was taught later was "Algebra, Geometry, Russian." LOL.)

By the time he was 10 he was traveling to championships and competitions. I say 10 because…



Yes, slightly after Sasha turned 10 his oldest brother – the guy who was responsible for him playing hockey in the first place – died unexpectedly after a car accident. The aftermath (the fact that Sasha played a hockey game the day after his brother died) is somewhat famous by now, but let's have direct quotes:



>_<

From day 1 of being interviewed (in the US as well as back home) Ovechkin has refused to go into the details of his brother's accident/death. He mentions that it happened and closes the subject at that. The reason it keeps coming up at all is because Alex has said on multiple occasions that he owes his hockey career to his brother and has thanked him in acceptance speeches when getting awards.

OK HAPPY BREAK OF HAPPY THINGS!


HOCKEY SKILLS!


HAPPY ALEX IS HAPPY


SCORING GOALS


HYDRATING


HANGING WITH GERA


LOOKIN' FIIIIIINE


BEING CONFUSED BY BABIES


STRETCHING


JUMPING AROUND!

(By the way, it might interest you to know that Alex has gone on record as saying he has really sensitive skin which makes shaving problematic so he uses special shaving creams/razors and usually doesn't shave if he can help it. Um. I'm just saying. If you were wondering about that >_>)

All right, all right, I guess we should mention a bit about his hockey record?

At age 16 he began playing professional hockey in the Russian Superleague (now known as the KHL), playing for Dynamo Moscow. THE VERY FOLLOWING YEAR the Panthers tried to recruit a STILL UNDERAGE Ovechkin (we've already been over that quote). At 16 he was also part of Russia's Junior National Team and WON A GOLD MEDAL.

As soon as he was old enough the NHL team The Washington Capitals SNATCHED HIM THE FUCK UP, choosing him first overall in the 2004 NHL draft. UNFORTUNATELY that year the NHL was embroiled in a labor dispute and the entire season was canceled lol /o\ So Sasha spent an extra year in Russia, playing for "Dymano" and helping them WIN THE KHL CHAMPIONSHIP THAT YEAR!

Most rookie players, btw, drafted to the NHL in 2004 were assigned to various "training" teams by their new owners, because rookie players generally need a year or two at least to really come into their own in the adult pro league.

Alex was allowed to stay with Dynamo and do his thing LIKE A GROWNUP because the Capitals claimed his level of play was already so good there would be no point assigning him anywhere but a professional, adult team for the year.

Anyway, all's well that ends well, the NHL got its shit together and the following year, shortly before turning 20, Alex moved to Washington and lo, ~the world changed~.

Exhibit A, the goal that's super impressive EVEN IF YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT HOCKEY that Ovechkin scored shortly after the beginning of his career:





(BTW, guess which number Alex chose when he joined the NHL, to wear on his jersey? If you guessed "the number his mother had on HER jersey during her playing career" YOU ARE CORRECT. #8!)

So, since 2005 Ovechkin has basically spent his time in the NHL scoring a shitton of goals, being a superstar, getting media attention, beating records, raking up a billion awards, making friends and enemies and fuck buddies.

Here's a vidspam of Ovechkin's overtime goals, to give you a small sample.

To quote some random dude named Wayne Gretzky:

"I've got to tell you, I love the kid. He's the only guy I've ever coached against who scored a goal and blew me a kiss. Pretty good goal too. You can see he loves to play."

In his first year in the NHL Alex was the THIRD HIGHEST SCORER in the entire league. The Washington Capitals go from being a team with um, not that many fans, to being a major media draw in DC.

Have a video the Capitals made, filmed during Alex's first NHL season. He was just a baby rookie then, and this is 3 minutes of him giving a reporter a tour of his house.



More than ANY VIDEO I HAVE EVER SEEN that one makes my heart clench because ALEX IS SO TINY. His English is barely there (he has a strong accent regardless but here he's really struggling for the words) and he's so COMPLETELY OVERWHELMED by ALL THIS AMAZING SHIT that's happening to him.

At the same time that video basically has all the Alexander Ovechkin essentials, minus the confidence he gained later. He's funny and charming and flirty and makes vodka jokes and berates himself for not being able to keep his space tidy or cook a full meal (WOW did that guilt go away later, I guess when it sunk in that he has MILLIONS NOW so it doesn't matter), and of course, his COMPLETELY EMPTY HOUSE vs. his closet FULL OF DOLCE & GABANA BELTS.

He finishes the video BY TAKING HIS DAD CLOTHES SHOPPING, OK? And also by swearing in Russian casually in front of an official camera, which is YET ANOTHER THING that will disappear once they polish him up a bit.

ALEX IS GENERALLY VERY FASHIONABLE OK.





MODELING WAS HIS OTHER MAJOR AT SCHOOL.

Other interests include:


Having his fortune told.


Getting to know the animal kingdom.

And oh, oh, oh, I forgot his NUMBER ONE INTEREST: hanging out naked. SHIRTLESS AT THE VERY LEAST, preferably naked. There is literally a hockey interview where the interviewer is like "dude, why is Ovechkin always walking around naked?" BECAUSE HE LOVES HIS FANS THAT'S WHY >:(





















In 2007 Sasha's contract came up for renegotiation, he was no longer a rookie and Washington signed him for a record breaking THIRTEEN YEAR CONTRACT worth 124 MILLION DOLLARS. The biggest sum in the history of the NHL. Oh, and btw, they also gave him the keys to the city. THE KEYS TO THE CAPITAL OF THE UNITED STATES. IDK who thought that would be a remotely good idea.



Ovechkin used the acceptance speech to say he'll be revoking the speed limits in downtown DC, lol.



Anyway, since the 2007-2008 season Ovie has basically become a brand name a superstar. There was... an attempt to brand him as the ~bad boy of hockey~. For example, this video where Ovechkin basically has BADASS ROCKSTAR oozing from his pores:



I am totally not opposed to this attempt to market Sasha, but I always have trouble accepting anyone who's an actual successful professional athlete being a ~bad boy~. Their lives are made up of like, PRACTICE, TRAINING, TRAINING, PRACTICE, TRAINING. Seriously, going out to a party occasionally DOES NOT MAKE YOU JAMES DEAN (or JAMES DEEN for that matter).





Like, he's a dude who lives with his parents for most of the year (and whines when his mom is too busy to come stay with him in Washington) because, like most pro hockey players he spends most of the season training and playing hockey and not much else.

Although I will grant you, he does know how to have fun.



Anyway, the ~bad boy~ thing got even more traction when Ovechkin's ~flamboyant~ style of play got him chided by hockey commentator Don Cherry.

In the February 28, 2009, segment of Hockey Night in Canada's Coach's Corner, Canadian hockey analyst Don Cherry likened Ovechkin's celebrations of jumping into the boards and his team-mates to that of soccer players, concluding that this was not the Canadian way and advising Canadian kids to ignore Ovechkin's example.

YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY WHEN SCORING GOALS IN HOCKEY, apparently. Or at least, THERE IS A LIMIT TO HOW HAPPY YOU MAY APPEAR TO BE. It is against the spirit of the sport! (Not against the spirit of the sport: punching a dude in the face because he's from the team playing against you.)

CANADIAN CHILDREN ARE ADVISED NOT TO FOLLOW SASHA'S EXAMPLE.

However my favorite part of that has to be:

Capitals coach Bruce Boudreau came to Ovechkin's defense, stating Cherry "doesn't know Alex like we know Alex"

Yes, in the world of hockey, when told his player was TOO HAPPY when he scored a goal, the coach DEFENDED THE PLAYER'S CHARACTER. Oh, completely WTF game of my heart.

Ovechkin, for his part, went on the record saying he doesn't give a fuck, basically, and proceeded to do his thing. For his exact quote (where he imitates Don Cherry by adopting a robot voice) see this video, skip to 1:50:



Anyway, it's true that there was that time he dropped his stick on the ice after scoring a goal and pretended it was too hot to touch:



And then got some kids to help him recreate that special moment:



In other words:



Anyway, since 2009 Sasha's been featured in hip hop music videos, got his own clothing line, dated a bunch of girls, was rumored to date a bunch of other girls (particularly in the Russian media which LOVES THAT SHIT), got another pile of hockey trophies, and failed to win the ultimate NHL trophy of all - the Stanley Cup.

Let's have a highlights reel.

I will spare you the Russian rap video, which you can find here, and merely put this gif up as a warning:



Clubbing in Moscow during his summer vacation:



(Sometimes this results in Sasha going on stage to talk about jerking off.)

Lounging with caviar and 17 wrist watches, as you do:



Being his modest self:



Getting a skate to the balls (>______O)





Being a nice guy:





Wearing formal shirts and ties, as hockey players inexplicably do before games:




I confess, what follows is actually my favorite photo shoot with him, because it is truly WTF in all proper hockey traditions. We want to take pictures of Alex Ovechkin (who is not a bad actor, as far as athletes-who-cannot-act go) and a hot lady for a magazine aimed at straight dudes and their fantasies about the rich and glamorous lives lived by their idols. What shall we do?



Have Ovechkin appear COMPLETELY DISINTERESTED as a model bathes sexily next to him.



Have Ovechkin play air hockey with said model, both of them fully clothed.



And get upset when she beats him. THE STUFF PORNOS ARE MADE OF.

(Speaking of pornos, here's Alex shoving a "shaving cream pie" in the face of one of his teammates:



And here's him getting a similar shaving cream pie shoved in his own face. I… couldn't actually make this shit up if I wanted to.)



In 2010, after serving as Alternate Captain of the Russian National Team in the Olympics, Sasha was made Captain of the Washington Capitals, making him the second youngest captain the team has ever had.



And possibly the worst Madame Tussaud's figure:



He was also featured in this ESPN commercial:



Giving birth to this gorgeous graphic:



OK OK I guess we should also spend a minute or two talking about his tattoos?



This one says "Sergey, you are always in my heart" and I'll LET YOU GUESS who Sasha's referring to.



The one on his lower back is, I'm guessing, hanzi, which, er, does not fill me with confidence that it doesn't belong on one of these sites where people suddenly find out their Chinese tattoos don't mean what they thought they meant >_o



I only speak a little Mandarin (so please, please offer info if you feel like it!) but since 家 (jiā) means "home" (among other things) I'm guessing the first part is supposed to be "one home" buuut you need a counter for jiā (such as 个) and IDK, the grammar here is iffy at best, I'm just putting it out there (with my limited knowledge). I don't actually think the second character is 命 (mìng), but IF WE ASSUME IT IS the only thing I can possibly see him using it for is 命运 (mìngyùn) which means destiny/fate, AFAIK. /unexpected Mandarin student geekery.

In conclusion:



A SCHOLAR AND A GENTLEMAN.

The adventure continues (now with more Dudes Alex Likes to Fuck Hug) over in Part 2.