It's weird listening to Angels We Have Heard on High and thinking about how I used to sing it in church. It's only been 7 or so years but the memory is already so faded. I think I'll have Caleb and the Caroling Caravan on repeat for the next week or so in an attempt to psych myself up for the holiday. 

My partner and I started watching One Upon a Time about a month ago at the urging of a few of my coworkers. I didn't expect him to like it (as he noted, it's pretty much a soap opera), but he offered to join me for the first episode and we've been binging ever since. I'm not sure why I enjoy the show, considering how much time I spend shouting at the screen (Henry annoyed the hell out of me the first two seasons). It's weird to realize that I'm rooting for a couple of characters who had previously killed quite a few people and genuinely felt no remorse. But then I read hours of Rumple/Belle and stop thinking about it.

In other news, I really need to start applying for full-time employment. I found a job posting that sounds great but I have all these excuses as to why I would be terrible at it. It's in a field I'm passionate about, but the job duties are all the things that trip me up (working alone with minimal guidance, making decisions, etc). I'm worried I'll do what I always do, which is forget about it until the deadline has past*. 



* I just spent five minutes reading the difference between "past" and "passed" and I'm still not sure which is correct here. Ugh. 

Boy do I hate it for fandom-related things. Pretty gifsets are nice but there's no good way to organize the fics I want to save (that I'm aware of). It's like a giant swirling vortex and I'm afraid to miss something. And I keep spoiling myself for BSG =/

Just spent two hours recording a tutorial for work and it turns out the audio didn't work. Now, I'm hungry and scattered I'm going to sound super spacey when we try again.   

Edit: IT WAS GOLD. I'm going to cry if it didn't work. IT WORKED. my voice sounds so young. god. Why do I talk so fast? It's stressful to listen to. 

At some point I'm going to have to go back over my 23 before 23 goals and see how I did. Honestly, I wasn't putting much effort into life and anything that could be personally fulfilling this past year, so I'm not looking forward to the reality check.

I've created a new twitter just for fandomy things, but so far it's mostly complaining about work. Feel free to follow and interact with me! It feels less intimidating than typing up a coherent DW post. 

Burning question of the day: how do you clean the touch screen on a computer?? I feel like this is really obvious but my attempts so far have only smudged it worse. 

Broad City. It's a tv show written by Ilana Glazer and Abbi Jacobson and produced by Amy Poehler. It's like Girls but it doesn't make me ragey/feel bad about myself. It's about two friends living in New York and it's kind of perfect. Oh! Another new fav is Affectio (and pretty much anything by Emma Koenig). I rewatched Clueless today and aside from being a little skeeved out by Cher's romance with an 18 year old while she was barely 16, I thoroughly enjoyed it. 

I'm working in Starbucks, listening to the Chance the Rapper album I downloaded today and the ambient noise is mostly covering the music but the word anorexia just jumped out at me. I have feelings and no idea what to say about them. The word feels sticky, like when it passes by it touches me and doesn't want to let go, leaving this residue that stains just enough that other people notice but don't know what they're seeing. I just want it to stop. I'm haunted by the litany "but you don't look unhealthy..." and I just want to exist in a space where I don't have to wonder if people will think less of me if finally stop trying to force this to work. 

and I'm currently enjoying it more than he has been. It's so damn soft. I tried to make my partner lunch today and my grand ambitions dissolved into a sad little sandwich that he insisted was enjoyable but I still have my doubts. My computer has an app to record recipes and I've been going through my mom's recipe book and typing up a few. My brother is going through the photos he took when my cousin brought her fiancee to meet us all. They are hilariously bad: out-of-focus and terrible expressions. My aunt is demanding to see them. This will end badly. 

Someday, I will know more about computer things and be able to make informed decisions on my own. Until then, I'm grateful to have a brother majoring in computer science to help me pick out a new computer. My old computer had been pushing itself into retirement for....at least 9 months, revving the fan constantly in a way so irritating my mother jokingly-not-jokingly threatened to toss it out the window. My new computer is a Lenovo Yoga 2 Pro and I've been in love ever since the UPS man knocked on my door. I typed out this long justification for buying something so expensive (it was on sale! I need it for work!) but I don't think it's necessary. I have the funds and I intend this computer to last the five or six years my previous one did so I refuse to feel any further guilt. It's touchscreen so I've spent the past few hours learning Windows 8 (which has been a bit frustrating at times). I'm excited to have a computer I can actually use outside of my house (since I work better pretty much anywhere but here).

In other news, one of my coworkers got fired (for never showing up) and so all the sections have been rearranged. I now shelve the 620s (in addition to my other sections) and it's making me sadface. 629.2222 takes up the majority of the section and they're large paperback car manuals that haven't been taken care of, leaving them warped and impossible to shelve. All they want to do is slide down and it's driving me up a wall. I've been reading a lot of YA lit during my breaks. I finished "Lessons from a Dead Girl" and it hit a little too close to home (at least, as much as any novel about kids that attend public school could). It also felt oddly voyeuristic the first half. There was so few details in the first half of the book about anything other than the abuse--it felt as though the author assumed that's all the readers would be interested in. I had to put it down a few times because I felt disgusting. The second half made up for it, I think. 

Seeing the boyf tonight. I had hoped using a ridiculous shorthand would negate the awkwardness I feel being out of my teens and referring to someone as my boyfriend, but it didn't quite work. He and I have been spending an intense amount of time together. It's been nice but I'm not sure how it will mellow out back into our normal level of contact. 

I feel like my attempts to write about my life have been so dry and scattered, lately. I don't know why. 

I got a shirt with deer all over it. I have to say, I was much more excited when I thought they were moose but it's still cute! Also it's all waffley (henley?) so that's pretty cool. I've been using hand lotion a lot to try and repair the damage working in food service is doing to my hands and I think the stuff is working. There's something oddly soothing about rubbing it into my hands. 

I'm also doing better on my 23 before 23 goals. I've stopped biting my nails (again) and they're getting fairly long. Unfortunately, this means I now want every pretty nail polish ever. I just ran my wet nails through my hair >.< I think that's a sign I should go to bed.

I have hives on the inside of my eyelids. I know this because my optometrist flipped my eyelids backwards. According to my mom this happened to my...great aunt (maybe great grandmother) on Ellis Island but they actually scraped her eyelids. I can't think about that without cringing. On the plus side, a few weeks of fancy eyedrops should make my eye lids unswell (which is totally a word). The lesson to be learned from this is monthly contacts really shouldn't been worn for three months  at a time. On the not plus side, part of the swelling is due to allergens (such as animal dander) and my friend said her dog is staying in the hotel with us this weekend. Ughhhh. The worst part about having no money is that I feel like I can't say anything because I can't afford a room on my own. 

In other news, I want to make this!

But I finally started watching Teen Wolf. I could tell from the beginning that I would love it.  Here are the notes I typed in my phone while watching the first episode:
--Love Allison and her dynamic with Scott but their back and forth about "girly" girls really rubbed me the wrong way (not because I don't think that's how many teenagers talk, but because I wish they didn't)
--Wait, can Scott never be around cats again?
--Scott and I are the same kind of clueless *
--I want his mom
--Aw, Scott, leaving her at the party wasn't cool
--Something about Derrick** comes across really flat. Like amateur actor. Cute though
--I was really annoyed with Stiles at first but in the last ten minutes he came through

*During the scene where some lacrosse guy asked him about steroids
**Google informs me it's actually Derek. In my defense, I've never met a Derek