Rhapsody of Rage

(scrawled on the inside cover of the leatherbound journal are a few jumbled up thoughts)

My general time-line
Marah
Left Ironwoods to explore Sable continent
Joined the Clerics Guild. Friends with Akrm and Sitharyl
Met acolyte Xian during invasion. Began romance.
Chosen by Calypso
Joined Clan Silverwing
Married Erosian priest Xian
Preached Calypso's word through unusual circumstances. Gone from town 26 years.
Arrived in town to find Calypso's word had changed and she was allied with Bilanx.
Calypsian church grew, met Makala, possibly my best friend ever.
Swore the sacred Tempestian oath with Tempestian Arethesus. I loved salamae! They are so lucky!
Calypsian church slowed and lots of people didn't come around anymore, including me.

Calypso died.

Everything above irrelevant. It was a dream! Don't try to live it!

Before the Change, I used to note with sadness how absolutely miserable those of the darker churches were. Granted, this was before the fallacy of Balance was revealed, but Belphegore was considered 'dark' at one time and I guess is still somewhat affiliated (though I hate the word) with it. So I lumped Gorians in too. And they did seem unhappy.

I was unhappy when I came into His service. Part of me is missing. Part of me is incomplete and always will be. Part of me will always be overtaken by rage.

So when things go right, does that put me in danger of healing? Does that put me in danger of losing my rage?

There is so much I want to write about! So many good things that have happened! And yet I am afraid to dwell on them. I am afraid to admit some
happiness into my state of being.

OK, it's not really an ode. But it's a poem for him, the most Gorian person I've ever met.

Disciple

If blood is power
then you are a king,
leaving your crimson marks
upon everything
en masse.

If rage is fire
then you are ablaze,
sending forth brilliant sparks
towards everyplace
you pass.

If Belphegore is forever
then your soul is immortal too,
watching the rise and fall of monarchs
and in everything you do
kicking ass.

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the fury of the Lord
The essence of his fiery rage has struck a fearsome chord
He has claimed another victory with his battle-bloodied sword!
His truth is raging on!

Lord, Lord Belphegore
Lord, lord Belphegore
Lord, lord Belphetore
His truth is raging on!

So I've been a Justicar for a while now. The ranks of the Justicars include more than one Gorian, and I've been wondering why that is. The societal perception of rage and our Lord would have everyone believing that we're a bunch of stark raving murderers. And yet we're (for the most part) productive, law-abiding citizens. Some of us are even law-enforcing citizens.

I think that Gorians are straightforward people. I don't think we have the patience for deceit and we simply are who we are. And I think we get fed up with people who lie and trick. Really, the ascension of our god showed He Himself had no patience for deceit. I think that's why a few of us believe in Justice so much. Do I always think the law is fair? Hmm. For the most part it is. Sometimes it isn't. But I believe in upholding the law and keeping order. There's room to maneuver in order. We can still be free while confined.

I need to decorate a little box with broken hearts and wilted flowers, a special place for the poetry my man and I have been writing to each other. Here is the first one I wrote for him:

How do I loathe thee?

How do I loathe thee? Let me count the ways
I loathe thee to the depth and breadth and height
My heart can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Fury and ideal might,
I loathe thee to the level of everynight's
Most urgent need, by dark and candle light.

I loathe thee freely, as men strive for Praise;
I loathe thee purely, as they turn from Truth.
I loathe thee with the passion put to use
In my old life, and with my simplistic faith.

I loathe thee with a hate I seemed to gain
With my new god,-I loathe thee with the breath,
pain, tears, of all my life!-and, if Luck deals poorly,
I shall but loathe thee further after death.

He returned the sentiment with a little something of his own:

Untitled

How do I loathe thee?
I just cannot count.
The ways are too great
I cannot surmount.

Each day that I live
I wish I would die
I loathe thee so much
Now I'll explain why

It's that thing that you do
And that thing that you don't
I wish it would stop
But I know that it won't

Its the sound of your voice
And the things that you say
I pray nightly to Mortis
"Please take me away!"

Your hair is so vile
You look like a rat
Your boobs are lopsided
Your butt is too flat

You smell like the dump
But look half as good
Someone should kill you
Oh really, they should

The beggars you pass by
They give coin to you
"Please take my last slag
It's the least I can do"

What's up with your nose?
It looks like a tumor
Yet it has more appeal
That your sad sense of humour

We went the circus
And much to my woe
They thought that you
Had escaped from the show

And talk about dumb
I thought you a fighter
Forget oral sex
Rumour says you're a biter

There's a few reasons
I have millions more
But you just are not worth it
You two-timing whore

*SIGH*  Now I know I am completely hated. My work is complete.

 

I can no longer question my right to be His servant. I should never have questioned it but there are times still when I feel that I am participating in some big charade. That at any moment Belphegore will see some doubt within me and destroy me. Or worse, leave me alone and alive as I was alone and alive when Calypso left.

But surely my god sees all of me, inside and out, and knows what is within. He has named me a priestess. He sees the spirit within, the fight in me. He sees and He rewards, and who am I to question? He has named me a priestess and a priestess I will be.

There is room for doubt in a Gorian, but it is only allowed to exist to challenge our ways of thinking. It is allowed to exist that we may snuff it out. It is there to battle and to conquer.

I don't doubt my faith in Belphegore because now I no longer have reason to doubt His faith in me.

In other news, Ysadri has written a very funny song explaining the advantages of bedding a necromancer. Um, I've designed a lovely gown should I ever have occasion to wear something other than armor, which Sebboe refers to as Gorian Formal Attire. Maybe someday I'll get to show the gown off.

Now off to the Prongs research...

Most of the time I wonder why some people regard Gorians as scary and unpredictable. Most of the time I and the other devout are perfectly calm, rational members of society. I forget what the rage does.

Gods, it feels good. It feels GOOD to be released from social constraints, from rational thought, from fear, from worthlessness. It feels good to do what needs to be done. It feels good to be consumed.

Not that I've had it in a long time, but the rage is like sex. Most of the time I'm flirting with it. Most of the time, there's a thrill in seeing how close I can get to being enraged without actually becoming so. Mmmm, but it can take over so completely, so fully. I lose my mind and I remember only in bits and pieces, disjointed images of blood and sweat and firelight.

hmm. Titillating thought: rage followed by sex. Must think more.

3 Renasci 279

I was looking through some of my writings and found a few things about Calypso. I'd been right in the middle of creating the first ever Calypsian wedding ceremony when It happened. I feel so bad for Khyrl and Aisling. They'd already tithed everything and more. I saw Khyrl not long ago and he looked horrid. I doubt I'll see him again.

Makala and I once wrote a paper about the Calypsian view of marriage. It's odd, because we wrote it after the whole mess of our non-relationship happened and yet I always got the feeling that maybe we were writing about us after all. Here's what we wrote. It's still in the Cottage of Faith and Fidelity in Thrace.

A quick glance at the words chosen by the various religions of the land to describe marriage reveals that the Calypsian view is quite different from the others. Words such as loyalty and commitment are replaced with mysterious, discovery, fortuitous and our final word: eternal. Why did our church choose such terms to typify matrimony? We must examine the Calypsian outlook on life itself to understand its outlook on each separate aspect.

Followers of Calypso view the universe as a great mystery, made of smaller puzzles which must be explored and manipulated, that we might joyously discover new knowledge. Research and the trial-and-error method are our primary tools for unlocking each new door we discover, and we find happiness with each effort, even when (as is normally the case) a freshly opened door only reveals another to be unlocked.

There is no one goal that unites those in our faith, for the realm is filled with so many appealing aspects that each of us may prioritize differently. Instead, we are bound together by our emulation of the goddess herself who shows us, by example, the importance of research and reliance upon luck. Even new knowledge imparted from one to another is often rechecked, that we might know personally what we now know intellectually.

Sometimes it seems as though we've reached an impasse in one quest or another. Many people might conclude that there is nothing left to discover in that specific area, but the Calypsian would determine he must try something else, that there must be another way to break through the door to the other side. If he simply tries hard and often enough, eventually he might get lucky and find a way in!

If the Calypsian sees marriage as a smaller mystery, then it stands to reason that he will find great delight in exploring its ever-changing dynamics. Should it seem the path has become too rough, he will keep plodding onward, certain that he will be fortuitous enough to find something wonderful just around the bend!

For a Calypsian holds dear the uncertainty of the future and revels in the joyous discoveries that lay within it. In the same fashion when a Calypsian offers their vows of marriage he does not proclaim to know the future; rather whatever his words articulate, they are in essence saying "Regardless of the uncertain future and the unknown trials we will face, I am standing before all present and before the Aether declaring that I will take a chance on you, always and eternally."

20 Thawing 279

I am still reeling, in a pleasant sense, from last week's events. What a joy it is to have a true friend! I sensed it when I first met her, right after the Day Which Changed My Life Forever. She was sensitive to it, one of the only people in Sable who wasn't directly involved but still seemed to grasp the magnitude of it. Gods bless her for understanding.

Over the past few years she has become my closest girl friend. We have not had a lot of mind-blowing adventures together. Instead, we have shared many a mead and many a coffee just chatting, talking. We have tormented men. We have shared each other's deepest secrets.

Some critics may say that we haven't known each other long enough to take the sacred oath. I knew Arethesus for quite some time and look how that turned out. It is not the length of a friendship but the quality of it that sets the right base.

I am thankful to Tempest for His mercy and forgiveness. He is not known as merciful or forgiving but I guess He understood my grief and foolishness when I tried to serve Him. I am thankful He did not strike me down but instead blessed this bond.

There is other news, too. I was able to counsel someone about being frightened of rage. I love helping people understand that rage is freeing.

Truls wants me to write a mass. I've written a ceremony of sorts but I don't think it's what he wants. Everytime I sit down to write, though, I end up thinking about all the good things happening in my life. I have a best friend and a boyfriend. How much better could it get?