I was walking my lil' dog in the park last Saturday morning around...8:30ah-ish, and some kid rode up to me on a blue bicycle askin' to use my phone to call his mom. I reached for it and realized that I had left it in my apartment. I told him as much, then thanked me anyways and rode off.
Shortly after that, he asked a lady walking her dog and she became frightened, picked up her dog, and started walking to me. Seeing this, I started walking to her just in case something happened or whatever...The kid was starting to give the impression that he was up to no good, and I thought that walking towards the lady would persuade him to do not follow her or harass her. I don't know if it helped, but he did give me/us a wide berth as he rode by.
Once the kid got around us, the lady turned around and started walking 'home'. I was already walking that way, and I was headed that way anyways, so I 'kinda' followed her down the path towards my apartment. She had a small dog and I had Vali with me, so I would stop every 10-20sec to allow her some space. While I was doing that, I'd turn to check on the kid on the bicycle. He had cut around behind me, but kept wide and went down the back side of the pond where most people don't usually walk. It has a lot of trash and that's where the addicts sometimes sit to 'juice their veins' or smoke crystal (nobody really smokes crack anymore).
I only log on to see if someone from my past will ever respond to my...I dunno, poor attempts to reconnect? To see if we can move past a shitty past? Find some solace and validation in the approval of a stranger from my past?
We're middle-aged now. I haven't heard of nor spoken to Fo in 13yrs...and counting. I think I first met her on AIM through Lee. I was immediately enamored with her. We were very different people (and probably still are), which caused much friction (too much friction). Sometimes, when I think of her, I find myself often remembering how poor our chat/DMs were, and how difficult it was for us to have meaningful or, at the very least, honest and respectful conversations. To this day, I am still bewildered by how I acted towards her. My actions never aligned with my feelings or thoughts. It showed.
The plan is to get back into doing entries. Why? Multiple reasons, really.
-practice writing/typing
-archiving my thoughts (partially because my memory is terrible and this seems like a decent way to chronicle my descent into madness)
-a way to unload thoughts/emotions
-other reasons, probably. Damn, I'm so much more boring than I used to be. Getting old is for sad pathetic losers and parents that are actively raising children. Everyone else should probably do humanity and nature a favor and venture into that great abyss in the sky (Let's go to Space!).
-typing to myself is a completely reasonable (and healthy) way to slip into insanity
-routines and habits are at least semi-healthy
-evidence that can later be used against me IN COURT!
-evidence that will be used to generate an AI version of me (via text-to-speech). Think 'Her' meets 'Dude, Where's My Car?'
I was at the Kennel feeding building Building 1 when I heard a deep booming roar fill the space around me. The kennel, my ears, even the air itself seemed to resonate like a wine glass harmonic. I knew it before I seen it. This was the beginning of the end. I walked outside searching for the source of the deep pitch. I seen Brittany walk outside Building 2 searching for the source as well. She could hear it too. I seen her look into the sky, and as the clouds separated there they were in the sky. Two then three brightly colored saucers high in the air. They were no parallel to the ground, but rather randomly positioned in the sky with the center somewhere between the three. The outsides were red and yellow striped with the outside twirling independent of the grey/silver center. Eventually a single ship revved up and darted to the north, leaving the other two suspended to the east of the Kennel complex. I don't remember if the ships landed or if the beings teleported to the surface, but they were amongst us already. One of the beings greeted me very professionally, I think he knew I was terrified. He was wearing a silverish glittery overcoat with almost black hair that was combed over. He looked like a white man, but he was not. After a moment their appearance wavered and their form began to stretch...
I'm finally to a point where I don't have to work anymore. I have played the strings of my environment and have put myself in a position where I can work from home-ish. It is a stressful path, but I think I can walk it for a while.
I do hate cvs though, as a company. I also resent most of the people I worked. They are selfish irritable childish individuals. They live in a shell partially exposed to the public. The fucked up thing is most of them don't handle difference well. I AM DIFFERENT. You can see where the problem lies. I will not succumb to their treachery. I set myself up. Maybe it is all for the best. It has to be...because it was hell.
I was sitting in the living room alone watching Chronicle when some strange feeling crept up my body. I don't remember where it started but it gave me goosebumps and made me feel a little sick. It brought about some bizarre mindset that reminded me of when I was wacked out rollin' or when through isolation when I was 16. I felt distant from myself like I had slipped into some vast awareness of eternal shame because I was not some ideal being. Like I was tapping into that dark repressed hole that ultimately governs my behavior at a fundamental level. I immediately knew that most of it was a deprivation or reaction to something. Mostly fatigue and nourishment. Funny how time and intelligence has a way of allowing ourselves to identify a feeling. It does wonders to remove that helpless sense of confusion and fear. The vague sense is still there, but I think I'm going to listen to my body and go to bed.
The mind is a slave to body. The body is a selfish unconscious thing, it only wants for itself. If you give it what it wants, it will rewards you a thousand times over. If you neglect it, it will steal your sanity and bliss.
I feel disappointed, at times with myself. I feel like I'm not giving it att I have. Like I'm just there doing stuff, and it seems to work out for a while, I guess. It's been working to some end that I don't really care either about or for it. Like all the facets of my life are merely circumstantial and the contents of my being are merely by-products of the series of sequential/progressive events that have lead up to now. My choices only feel like they of a free will. I mostly feel like I was never really paying attention to the shit that was going on in my life. Sometimes it seems like I have no focus and am easily distracted by mild fantasies which are only partly realistic. As much as I want to be a part of the moment and seize the day and be that dashing amazing persona, I often find myself drifting away from the moment. My actions feels so half-heated and insincere at times. My biggest fear is that I'll stay this way until my death.
Of all the things that I have pushing me forward, the horrible sense of shame is what holds me back. Like a knife I've held too tight, I don't know if I have the strength to endure the pain of opening up and letting go. I cannot heal otherwise.
Preface: I swear, sometimes I think I'm just disillusion into thinking I can maneuver through the impossible. Like I'm proving to myself that I just don't have the self control necessary endure all the bullshit without acting like a jackass. I just don't have the patience. Which really fucking sucks.
The Good: There is this chick that I met at food lion. She works there. Yadda yadda yadda, I've typed all this shit before. I've gotten to know her a little more this time around. Everything that she's shown me that's good about her is great. Like REALLY FUCKING AWESOME! Like, the kind of awesome that blinds me to all the other shit that makes her typical and common and probably not worth my time, effort, nor desire. I mean, she's gonna graduate from college in May with two degrees (just like I did). She's a good, hard, and honest worker. She cooks and cleans. She is so sweet, gentle, and seemingly innocent. She's a country girl that seems like the kinda goody goody christiany girl that I desperately want without being christian. And she is so beautiful (in my eye's anyways). The kinda beautiful I could die or kill for. She possess all the great qualities I'd look for in a wife. In my wife, and the love of my life.
The Bad: But god damnit. Why does all that have to be tied to a person that is so distant from me? She claims she wants to be friends. Then she acts likes she's interested in me, but with some indication that she is still afraid of me or is always having second thoughts. Well, what the fuck?! She knows I'm attracted to her...obviously to the point where my desire for her overpowers my ability to be casual. Because all this frustration could be avoided if I was ONLY mildly interested and allowed things to develop SLOWLY! Like REALLY FUCKING SLOWLY! But, I can't. FUCK! So, it's like I'm doing a little dance, and if I don't dance in the right manner she starts to drift away. It's just so fucking stupid. If it wasn't for the fact that I'm drawn to this girl and see all that is good and great in her, I'd have stopped trying a long time ago. FUCK! The shit part about it though, is I get hung up on people. And, when I feel ANY real attraction to them it is intense and absolute for YEARS! SHIT!
I'm to the point where I don't care which way it goes. I'd do anything to have it one of two ways: Either she would feel about me the way I do her, -OR- I feel about her the way she does me. I really don't fucking care anymore. I'm tired longing for some clueless and hopelessly confused chick. I just want it to go one way or the other. I'm tired of feeling like I'm riding the fence. Please release me from this fucking hell!
Edit: 12/05/11 I think I may finally be letting go, but just a little. I got so much other shit going on that I can't handle it all. If she doesn't feel attracted to me, then I guess I need to let it go for now. Tomorrow's another day. Can't say I won't be bitter about it, but I FUCKING hope it's for the best.
