Fo

I only log on to see if someone from my past will ever respond to my...I dunno, poor attempts to reconnect? To see if we can move past a shitty past? Find some solace and validation in the approval of a stranger from my past? 

We're middle-aged now. I haven't heard of nor spoken to Fo in 13yrs...and counting. I think I first met her on AIM through Lee. I was immediately enamored with her. We were very different people (and probably still are), which caused much friction (too much friction). Sometimes, when I think of her, I find myself often remembering how poor our chat/DMs were, and how difficult it was for us to have meaningful or, at the very least, honest and respectful conversations. To this day, I am still bewildered by how I acted towards her. My actions never aligned with my feelings or thoughts. It showed. 

The core problem I had was that I was very attracted to her (I have no idea if she ever knew that) AND nearly ALL of our conversations were online. I think people as a whole are the worst versions of themselves when texting over the internet, and I was no different. I'm sure she thought I was 'some generic' asshole that came to plague her with stern ridicule and unsolicited judgments. I did seem that way though as I was pretty good at self-sabotage. Call it a nervous tick. It doesn't have to make sense given that it was an impulsive emotional response. It was akin to young boys being mean to girls they like. Childish. I barely grew out of that (really have Diana and Kari to thank for helping me grow as a person, as this was/is something I do not have the strength to do on my own).

So, when I meet a beautiful woman that is noticeably kind to me (maybe even dropping hits of affection) I no longer act like a raving asshole (like I did to the lovely young women in my mid-teens into early twenties). Now, I just seize up. I get VERY nervous (internally) and extremely anxious. My mind splits into mild panic and defacto benign and boring small talk that goes nowhere. It's like my fear of snakes. It's a subconscious reaction that I struggle to overcome. I do not know if I can do it on my own, but I do know that if I don't then I will probably die lonely and alone. Pretty sad and pathetic. What is the path to remedy? To Salvation? How do I heal myself and is it even possible? 

So, when I struggle with women, I think of Fo...and how I poorly treated her. I was such a child, and she deserved better. It's kinda crazy that she tolerated my foolishness for as long as she did, but we were both kids and had a lot to learn about boundaries and respect (including self-respect). I don't think she would put up with it anymore (I hope not at least). So much has changed in the last 13years, and I'm pretty sure that I will never see her again...

...it makes me weep.

Pathetic.