Today was...workingish. I worked bunches, more less from when I got up to just now. Emails aplenty, documents to prepare and print, a theatre to straighten out and then rehearsal and run through. And then talk with the director and producer and finally more emails. I could write more even still but I'm tired - they can keep till tomorrow.
The lovely(?) thing about all this is I kept coming in contact with people who clearly knew there would be work they needed to get done in the three weeks since we last met and they never got around to doing it. They never even asked any questions about it, some of them. So...um, I'm not the only procrastinator around. Just the one who feels the most guilt.
I am looking at the next two days, however, and feeling very dismayed by how much work I have to do. I was really hoping to get some time to finally write. Loads of rehearsal every day, hardly any time to stop and eat. I don't like this schedule, Sam-I-Am. And it's only going to get worse. Ugh.
Today was lopsided. This time I did take an (unwilling) nap before writing. I'm at the couch away from home, cold and frustrated with my computer. I forgot to bring the other power cord and so I have the one that doesn't properly charge the battery, so of course if I move just a little the connection will drop and the computer will snap off.
But I'm tired because I woke up at a good morning-type hour and it's long past bedtime. I wasted the morning in bed, though. But not wasted too much since I took care of a few work things over t he computer. But just didn't feel up to hitting the gym, still a bit shaken from yesterday. But that kind of morning always leads to a lazy afternoon, which is not what I needed when I had "pack for five days away from home and then leave the house before rush hour" on the list of things to do.
So when it came time to go I rushed around like crazy and hopped into the truck a little frazzled and was late to rehearsal.
But rehearsal was alright. We have a lot of stuff to think about, especially working on finding more rehearsal time. A serious problem when the theatre itself is largely unavailable.
Got to the couch a little tired and very chilled from the night outside. Inside is less seriously cold, but not warm. I'm under a bunch of blankets and still feeling chilly around the bits that aren't covered.
Just remembered I have one more email I must send. Ugh. It's never done.
Today was ok. Well better than ok, actually, I'm just really tired now. Took my sweet time getting going during the day. No reason not to so I slept and then farted around until it was time to get organized and head to the theatre.
Once at the theatre I got set up pretty quickly and the cast came in largely in the usual order, some early, some late most right about the correct time. They got ready without a lot of fuss. There were a few Christmas presents: pizza, cookies and a couple of cards.
The house was crazy. It was pretty large, 80-90 people I'd say. Hard to get that many people moving in one direction in an efficient way. So it took a little while to get going. The show ran really well except for a lot of noise outside of the theatre and from the audience. To one side another theatre was having a huge fun show with lots of cheering. Then there was a helicopter over head and finally, because we were delayed in starting and then had to take a long intermission because so many in the audience had to pee that the music studio to the other side started going. They were earlier than they should have been but we were later than we usually were. (So we win by order the rule of stuff that was written down. Friggin musicians, learn to tell time!)
Naturally lots of hanging out for the last show of the year. Got some bubbly and then some rye whisky. Chatted with people, laughed and gave some more compliments. And picked up my paycheck. }:> Then came back to the couch (after having picked up a very big burrito on the way) and ate and drank some crappy wine. Now working on a headache which is not going to get better with the four hours (max) of sleep I'll be letting myself get.
Today was rainy. Though that was only after the sun set. I was going to say before dark fell, but it was a dark day. Awful news of massacre at a school. A young man with a huge gun. 20 tiny children who won't go home again. It crushes at me as it did most of the country. And everyone immediately screaming about gun control, for and against, and whether or not we should talk about it now or if we put it off then we'll never talk about it. And some people talking about real treatment for mental illness. Very frankly, yes there needs to be better treatment for the mentally ill in this country, but limiting access to guns, especially the big ones that have no use save to mow down a fuckload of people, would be more directly effective. But we won't because people want some ...I don't know, bullshit... more than they want to make it harder to kill as casually as the news shows we can.
So I spent a lot of the day in grief. Just unable to think and just feeling and not bloody fucking wanting to go to work.
But I did. And the rain came and it fucked up traffic like a son of a bitch and I was horribly late and we limped through our prep and we finally got to the show and it was finejustfine. JW came to it, flitted through and ran off again. *shrug* I'd like to know him better but I guess he doesn't want to be better known.
Came to the couch away from home and had some chicken and rice and veggies that I lifted from home and some exceptionally crappy wine that I bought a week ago and watched a few cartoons. (Bleach and Eureka 7 and Samurai7 on Hulu.) Now dawn isn't too far away and it's rather cold in here. The only thing for it is to roll up under the covers and get to sleep.
The past two days have been a little fun and a lot of work. Yesterday, wedding, fun, cool, lots of friends to see kicking open the season of seeing friends. Screwed up dressing and so I had to borrow different bits and pieces because the blacks I had left were for working at the theatre and just not classy enough for a ceremony & reception. Ran with the expectation that the dress would be business casual. I was the only one shoot for that, most people dressed a lot better. *grumble* I blame having to be at the couch-away-from-home when staging the dress portion of the day. Far fewer options.
Loads of traffic on the way to the theatre. Was awfully aggravating and also sleep-making. Got to the theatre, got set up and promptly curled up in the corner and stared off into space until it was time to really get to work. Coffee barely did anything. }:P
The show was fine, despite the marked lack of audience response. It's always frustrating and tough when an audience is there watching very quietly. We're pretty much assuming they watched because if they were napping then it's not fair, many of us would have liked to get some sleep too. Hung out after for a bit of Glenlevit and talking about theatre, etc. The funny thing about working with 20-odd people of all ages, makes and models is some will turn out to be cool, some will turn out to be assholes and some you just won't know what to do with. The hardest is when they're sweet but also troublesome, and trying to correct the trouble can make them upset. Anywhere but in the theatre that's a form of emotional blackmail...it might still be that in the theatre, but you can't just write it off. An actor's emotional balances is fundamental to what they do, so if they get hurt when they get called on their bullshit we have to keep in mind what such correction could cost the show. That, by itself, is probably my least favorite part of stage managing.
For dinner I went by McD's and got their Angus CBO, which I'm clearly addicted to. I don't want to think about how many calories are in it. Far, far more than I should take on at once, ever. But it is a GOOD burger. And late at night when I'm hungry and mildly aggravated it's hard to stick to the wiser choices when the yummy ones are so easy to get.
Today it was hard to get up and moving so I had a kind of breakfast on the road, courtesy Starbucks. I'd rather eat a leisurely oatmeal and bagel with coffee (and bacon if there is any) but that happens almost never, and definitely not when I have a matinee to run, with a big rehearsal before hand. The rehearsal was complicated by other people not taking seriously the need to be get it done... but it did eventually happen and it was good. We have the understudy up and running and she had a lovely show today.
Now if only I could magic away the irritating things that actors do when they assume that my notes aren't relevant to them. Because it's getting me fucking down to tell them the same thing over and over again and not having a fucking thing change. It's good to know that some of the actors recognize how I'm stuck. But it still sucks. Haven't eaten much since the panini I had this morning. It was good but barely got me through act 1 before I got hungry again. Once back at the house I remembered I had an avocado and made some guacamole and heated some mini tortillas to share with S. I should fix something else. I forgot to get anything to go with the big loaf of fancy white bread I have. Maybe when I go visit T&E tomorrow I'll pick up some brie and honey.
And now my evening is open. Most people would call this night, but since I normally get out of work at midnight, this is like late afternoon for me! If the Internet connection would just hold (and the computer) I could watch moar cartoons. *shrug*
Today was sort of straightforward, and yet disorganized.
All I really had to do was run a show. But I also had to pack for the weekend. And I wanted to do it in a way that saved money over the next three days even though I have a (tiny, little) bit of money. But it all took time and then getting to the show took time and then.
Well I think I've hit a point where running a show is just a job. Which is a little frustrating because I don't do theatre as a job, and if I did I would seek money I could actually live on instead of treating each check as a windfall. Of course only non-theatre people assume that the alternative to working at something because it's your job is doing it because it's a fun little (*unnecessary*) hobby. Only artists understand that we do this because we need to survive, because the alternative isn't staying in and watching TV, it's losing vitality until we finally die.
I don't want to be obtuse about earning some money. But I have to be picky, I've learned. Because the cost of a job I can do but that doesn't satisfy me is too high. Even touring an office - cubicles and ferns and overhead lights - immediately starts to drag at my heart and soul. I start to hate it before anything particularly hateful appears.
Trouble is, I'm starting to get there with this show. But at least some of the people are nice and supportive and there is drinking on the premises. And I only have four more shows this year. I wonder how I'll handle 2013. We'll extend then and I wonder if the cast will be just as hot or if they'll get tired and a little bit dead inside. I...have no idea. I can only pray and fight to keep up my voice over work going, even if it's just reading out loud and occasionally making it to some coaching. Anything to stay in the company of the good voice people who keep me burning.
Anyway. Today. The show. And a little irritation that I'm still not entirely trusted to know what's happening at any point. Certain parties agonize that someone will screw everything up and so they keep everything, every iota of power for themselves even if it's not appropriate. It's tiresome. And so like a fucking office, it's obnoxious. Anyway, the show was fine. I packed up and left earlier than I usually do, but I've been assured that it's ok to do that.
I wanted to go buy some brie but after the show the only close-by place that was open was Food4Less. They had no brie. In fact their cheese selection sucked, despite the 15 different Colby Jack options. I wanted to get some wine - and I did - but I was horrified at their pathetic selection. Gah. Kay. Never mind this is Hollywood. If I want some decent options in the middle of the night I have to head back to Koreatown or West Hollywood. (Obvs Ktown, WeHo is crazy expensive.) So I hope the cabernet I got doesn't suck. I'll find out tomorrow night.
Had the leftovers I packed earlier today. Now for some cartoons via Hulu (I hope) then sleep tomorrow is another silly day doing crap and trying not to get too creative about it.
Today was a big test of my patience. I had to scan pages out of my book* for an actor who'd forgotten the pages for his part. The computer (probably messing with me) said it had no memory for even one scan. So that commenced a long overdue purging and moving and consolidating of files and programs to try to clear up more space. After several hours of fussing with the computer, naturally it's slow and catches on itself frequently, it finally didn't fight me when I went to scan the pages. Though there was still exactly the same amount free space as when I started.
Working on something that aggravating just gives my mind free reign to think of all the things that are annoying me in life these days. That's a terrible road to go down, all it does is make me progressively more angry with no outlet.
Then there was fussing with a sign in sheet for the remaining shows of the year which meant manipulating a table in Word, which is never fun. Sending emails to the cast, some incidentals stuff with the home theatre and fighting with two computers to sign up for an animation VO workout at Bang Zoom.
Blah all of that should have taken two hours tops. Stupid computers that don't work right. I need everything to change. GAh.
Now for trying to port half of my music collection from one computer *through* another one so it can get onto my Euterpe, hopefully without crashing any of the devices.
Still have to get to some reading out loud. After some Teen Titans (that I've seen before) and some tea.
*Aa stage manager's book is a copy of the script with cues and stage directions, etc, as needed to keep an institutional memory of what's supposed to happen during a play.
There was stuff today. Things... It was a busy day. Rocketed out of bed because I overslept a little. Nothing too disastrous, just meant I got to rehearsal about five minutes late. I would rather not have, but it worked out fine.
We worked the understudy. There's a lot in that, but nothing hugely dramatic. Just ordinarily dramatic. And I won't say more for a long time to come, it seems. We'll be extending into January and into the top of February. 5 or maybe 6 more weeks. Another round of pay for me - which fails to suck. And a lot of prestige for the Open Fist. They've gotten a lot of acclaim for these shows. Good for them.
Good for me, the director came up to me after the rehearsal and put a hand on my shoulder and thanked me for my work. That was nice. }:>
Had a long window of time until evening voice coaching with Juan, Mr Some Audio Guy. Filled it with getting cash to get gas to be able to continue getting around Hollywood. I was supposed to get a phone call in the middle of the window on where to go in Sherman Oaks to pick up DVDs that I leant out more than a year ago. The phone call didn't come until well into the evening, when I couldn't do anything about it. Moderately annoying. But I must be patient. I have no other option. It's a bit ridiculous but so are most things in life.
I napped in the truck. Few other options there too, but it was comfy and no one bothered me and it was a cool day so, it worked out. Grabbed lunch at the Bourgeois Pig. They make great sandwiches and the best coffee drinks probably anywhere. Though I had a pirate chai latte because they're freaking delicious. Couldn't get online to find out what was up with the missing phone call. Not that I would have found out if I had. *sigh* I wrote a little. Nothing exciting.
the time might have been better spent warming up my voice and reading out loud to myself. I was cold at the coaching. I tried warming up on the drive from the Pig to Voice Caster but it wasn't coming. I was stiff and stuffy in my head...normally it's not too bad to warm up in the truck but I was stressing out in the heavy traffic and irritated by the lack of a phone call. All this crap that I couldn't ditch held onto me as I headed into the coaching. Grr.
The session was pretty tough, but that's why I go there. Juan doesn't pull his punches and sometimes gets a toughness that verges on harsh. Luckily he's not mean. I don't feel like he pushes me around. I wouldn't go back if that were the case. When people say some version of "keep on keepin on" they're writing me off, no matter what we're talking about. I think I've known one voice coach type to say that, and that let me know it was time to write him off. But instead of going that route Juan offered details instruction on what to do next, homework/workout -wise, and then invited me back in six weeks. That's some of the most honest and direct encouragement I think I've ever gotten that wasn't also flattery. Heh. So, my work is cut out for me. And I have a deadline. I can work with that. }:>
When I got to my truck I found I'd missed the phone call that was supposed to come hours earlier. I called back but was shunted to an answering service. LEft a VM and drove back to the OC. I stopped at the gym for a good full hour and a half of cardio, weight, stretching, the whole shebang. That felt good. Everything is uphill. Ok. That's a direction I can go in.
Home, email, shower, food and cartoons. Bed very, very soon.
Dreamed this morning about being back at Y! I think this is the second time I've dreamed of getting rehired back there. In reality something that they would probably never allow and, somewhere between reality and subconscious, something I could never sustain.
I hadn't been back at the job for long before the manager needed to talk to me over various bits of sloppiness in the office, saying the wrong thing, leaving documents visible in the wrong place... stupid crap that no one ever told me about, in essence not the same stuff that got in me in trouble when I was there, but the same feeling not being allowed to know the structure and expectations around me but suffering the consequences of crossing them.
Better yet I needed to get more of my work done in a timely fashion and at this point in the dream there was a big party going on where my desk was...but of course I wasn't allowed into the party.
Futility, morbid amusement at the absurdity of my predicament. Oh, my subconscious hasn't forgotten at all.
I guess I've been extremely busy because it's been a while since I've gotten anything done.
( Collapse ) So, all in all, I'm very tired. And given all my debt and how I'm spinning my wheels because I don't have the money to proceed in a few avenues, I feel like I have less than nothing to show for my exhaustion. My temper comes and goes, but it is getting hard to be patient with things. I have to wait for money to show up before I can proceed to try to make more money. Which I need because I'm broke. FUCK. And I'm not just broke with money, I'm broke with time. How has all of it gone away? I still have so much more I wanted to do by now. Books & videos that are collecting dust on the shelf, personal projects I wanted to get to, investigations to do do, (non-fiction) writing I want to get done.... I'm hopping from thing to thing and hardly getting one little thing done because every task I do requires me to carry the guilt of all the other tasks I'm not doing.
Though I still somehow find the time for the news, much as I try to avoid it. Ok...I don't try very hard. But believe me, I could be reading/following a hell of a lot more. And so that leaves me tired too, but a different kind of tired. Screamed "Shut the fuck up, you shithead!!" at two different people on the radio yesterday (Rep. Spencer Bachus & columnist PJ O'Rourke). Yeah. Wound a little tight these days.
tired
gloomy