Today was rainy. Though that was only after the sun set. I was going to say before dark fell, but it was a dark day. Awful news of massacre at a school. A young man with a huge gun. 20 tiny children who won't go home again. It crushes at me as it did most of the country. And everyone immediately screaming about gun control, for and against, and whether or not we should talk about it now or if we put it off then we'll never talk about it. And some people talking about real treatment for mental illness. Very frankly, yes there needs to be better treatment for the mentally ill in this country, but limiting access to guns, especially the big ones that have no use save to mow down a fuckload of people, would be more directly effective. But we won't because people want some ...I don't know, bullshit... more than they want to make it harder to kill as casually as the news shows we can.
So I spent a lot of the day in grief. Just unable to think and just feeling and not bloody fucking wanting to go to work.
But I did. And the rain came and it fucked up traffic like a son of a bitch and I was horribly late and we limped through our prep and we finally got to the show and it was finejustfine. JW came to it, flitted through and ran off again. *shrug* I'd like to know him better but I guess he doesn't want to be better known.
Came to the couch away from home and had some chicken and rice and veggies that I lifted from home and some exceptionally crappy wine that I bought a week ago and watched a few cartoons. (Bleach and Eureka 7 and Samurai7 on Hulu.) Now dawn isn't too far away and it's rather cold in here. The only thing for it is to roll up under the covers and get to sleep.
I really want to focus on the class I had at Kalmenson & Kalmenson on Saturday but I keep getting derailed by how intense and crazy the entire weekend was. It took this long to get to a point where I didn't feel overwhelmed contemplating it all. And I still get a kick out of describing it by noting I lost count of how many opportunities I had to die, sustain permanent injury, break something very valuable, lose a friendship, get arrested, insult someone very important or otherwise look back in horror. Trying to explain it that way it sounds like it was bad but narrowly missed being disastrous. Actually it was wonderful, played to the hilt and somehow we all seemed to walk away unscathed. Of course, it's taken days to get the smell of smoke out of my hair and clothes and I may have picked up a mild bug because I keep having sneezing fits.
I loved the class, by the way. Halfway through and I could barely hide the grin that kept showing up when I thought again and again that it was exactly the class I had been looking for. The teacher is a crazy woman (that's how she introduced herself and it's apt) named Melique Berger. She's what you might call a brassy dame, with a personality large and powerful enough to knock down an elephant. To cut to the chase, as a teacher I have every confidence she won't waste any time giving me critique that I need and won't sugarcoat or otherwise fail to make sure I address issues I have on the mic. Furthermore, she spoke to a few worries I've had but haven't known how to voice that regard the industry and put me/us at my ease, and she quickly sussed out that I have to get out of my own head in order to deliver as well as I can. (Well, granted, that second one isn't that hard to figure out. Me? over think things? Nah!!) I can definitely work with this.
Tangent: I really do need a mic at home. The money for install and lessons on Audacity just isn't going to fall out of the sky and it doesn't look like waiting for it would be wise. So I'll have to burn my amazon gift certs on it and play with Audacity on my own. Wah, me. Oh well. /Tangent
So I'm definitely extremely glad to be in this class. The teacher seemed very promising. And the other students seem to be around my range or better. They can act some, they've got good sounds between them (some of the guys have just *yummy* voices) - but none are so polished I wonder why the heck they're taking the class. Even the ones who've acted professionally on TV or done other kinds of vocal work may be good - ok, really good - but they're not perfect. It may be my tendency to assume the worst of my abilities, but I would assess my work at the bottom of the class, but not in a bad way! Or perhaps I should say, there's a great variety of ticks and tricks that I'm going to be stealing. Though I have to admit it'll be hard not just look on this one 22-year old chick with no acting, singing or creative writing experience, who's there on a whim and has the most marvelous timing and instincts I have EVER seen.
Again, it's scary to see just how far I have to go. But such - SUCH! - a relief to know that I've found the resources that will make the distance possible to cover. Course...it's going to take a ton of work. And that will require a ton of discipline, which I haven't exactly cultivated.
So... after the class it was sort of snowing, but it was what was called a "wintery mix" in New York. But odder, actually. the sky directly overhead was clear and though it was a sunny walk to my truck, I had to have my umbrella up to keep from being pelted with little clumps of ice. It wasn't even terribly cold - though colder than I like. I learned to hate "wintery mix" in NYC because the temps would be freezing and the ice was cruel when it the skin. This was a little different, though still a mix of soft ice clumps and cold rain. At any rate, I never once thought the first time I drove in snow and ice would be in Burbank.
The road conditions were *highly* unusual as you might imagine, so I didn't try to press my luck by stepping on the gas. Visibility was a real problem and that alone made me shiver hard and cold. Luckily it's not a long drive from Burbank to Highland Park, where it wasn't "snowing."
Piquarious was madness. Delirious, unpredictable, madness. I was worried here and there for people hurting themselves and all the while partying on with little concern for how to deal if my own actions caused me lasting damage. The night was bitter cold with temperature forecast in the mid30s. Hence huddling 'round the bonfire. Indoors it got stuffy pretty quickly, so I was outside and on my feet - which were quickly numb - most of the night. Even now my left big toe feels a little odd. I guess if it's nerve damage I ought to take back the claim of no lasting damage. but it's nothing bad. Friends were wild and crazy as they ever are, and in the interest of protecting the guilty I'll leave it at that.
I recovered a bit on Sunday with the stragglers and then headed home for dinner with the family to celebrate my sister's coming birthday. I was really feeling the high of such a wonderful time and had trouble watching both my language and sense of discretion, relating what I'd been through. That sort of set off my sis and her fiance. But mom pretended not to hear us. I needed most of Monday to fully recover and now i'm almost all the way back. Heh.
It's been warm, but not uncomfortably so the past few days. Until now. The heat wave was supposed to start Sunday and then Tuesday but it hit today and didn't even give us a running head start. Just shot from a pleasant, if warm, 85F to 101F within an hour. Thanks Mama Nature, when I was seven this was frequentaly pressaged by a bloody nose. --------
MB is supposed to be on leave for ten days. *knocks on wood* I've been holding my breath (more or less) for months and I'm dying to get him home. He should be here now dammit! But today he sent an email that his plane was delayed. For three DAYS. GGAAAHHHH!!!! --------
Waiting for three different people to get back in touch on plans we maybe supposedly have and what happens next. I don't have a lot of patience for staying in a holding pattern thanks to other people. Hmph. *taps keyboard restlessly* -------
Was supposed to chauffer someone this morning for money. Got up earlier expecting to communicate with someone else about job hunt stuff. The someone else hadn't communicated so now I don't have a way of being in touch and the someone in need of a ride wants to reschedule to a later time...he'll let me know when. *grumbles* Got up early for nothing. -------
Had fun last night at least. RP's bday and he bbq'd and bought a cake! I just took over wine (Opolo zin - delicious and super dry). Stayed out way too late though. But it was only an issue because of the aforementioned flaked out morning plans. }:/ Oh well.
I keep wanting to say something interesting but I can't get past the single central thought:
BALLS IT IS FUCKING HOT
Even wishing to investigate why I feel the need to say something. Why? Where did this habit come from? What makes me... Fuck it. It's five billion degrees. I would die to live in air conditioned home.
At the very least my local sheriff hasn't called me to recommend I evacuate. Hope friends who live up in that direction are safe and not overheating. Tangent: Florecita is what my mom calls me sometimes.
June gloom started about the last week of May and we even got some showers. It's always a thing we feel like remarking on when it rains here. That's what happens when something is uncommon. And summertime rain is pretty rare for us. But it's not summer just yet and late spring commonly has low pressure onshore flow that covers the land with thick clouds keeping the days dim and chilly. Which is what makes it easy to lounge around the morning and fail to see that it's actually the early afternoon.
Well, at least I jump started some job hunting stuff that I'd let flat line over the last couple of weeks. Big freaking deal. All it does is encourage bots to offer me gigs in franchise sales or sign up to other job hunt sites that list yet more job hunt sites. Also picked up some nice gym shoes that will hopefully be worth a darn (I tend to be rough on tennies). My old exercise shoes are coming apart at the seams and never had great traction.
I also hit the drugstore for a few odds and ends and wound up picking up some neon blue hair dye. I was looking for other hair treatment stuff and regarding some auburn when I spied the blue stuff and recalled that if I didn't land that last job I really wanted I'd go ahead and color my hair something fun. Now, I love auburn but I've been wishing for something fun for a really long time.
Now. Got home day dreaming about the fun blue hair in my future. And THEN remembered that in less than two weeks is the Big Damn Heroes LARP. I'm pushing Zoe's costume well into goth territory as it is (though I have my duster now and it is awesome! huge on me, but still awesome!). Blue hair? Really, really not her. Arg. Hmmm.
My hands ache, especially my right. I blame a combo of the weather (shooting up some 30 degrees in 3 days) and heredity, because I suspect joint pain and inflammation are part and parcel of the autoimmune package I seem to have gotten. Not that an osteopath or rheumatological specialist would detect a named disorder just yet. Oh no. I'm too young for such things. So I just have pains. Nothing's actually wrong. Joy.
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It's April and in New York that is a fine, fine thing. But I'm not in New York. Far from it. And that sucks. Well, ish....
I don't hate it here (actually I love it, I just wish I weren't in Anaheim and/or that I had tons more money; commuting to shit in the Valley is what actually sucks). And I've been very surprised at my own reaction when, every so often, a friend says "we're/I'm so glad you came back!" There's a way of voicing happiness that goes beyond "I'm happy to see you" and approaches a sincere "New York's loss is my gain!" It's sweet and I feel it. Which is rare. It's hard to explain that I usually don't feel compliments and things. I accept them and typically believe that people are being sincere but I don't *feel* it. Or rather, I don't often feel buoyed by positive things people say. Negative things, though, I probably feel to an exaggerated degree. So it all balances out...or something.
Anyway there have been a few people who've expressed real happiness to see me over the past couple months and it's really done good for beating back the feelings and worry that I'm a loser. I'd love to be living and working in New York, but it wouldn't be better than playing in LA and hanging with friends who are so effusive. -----
Life, Things and stuff: I don't know. Or I do. I'm stuck in the mud and sick of even trying to get out only to find I'm in deeper. Only impatience and restlessness is keeping me from feeling comfortable at the idea of just staying put. I'm tired of fighting myself in addition to the world. But I don't have a real choice, unless I give up theatre and friends as well as anything productive and contributive.
So my goals boil down to Finding Paying Work, Losing Weight, and Being Creative. And the efforts of my every day need to be geared to these. I am great at making plans. I'm not great at executing them. Furthermore, I feel easily stymied when I know I have an end point in mind but no idea how to get there. I wonder if I've always been this easily discouraged. I had more to say on this but it's feeling yet another in a long line of pity parties and god, you don't want that, trust me. It's hard enough to scrape short term ambition together. Working out how to achieve it leaves me identifying with the South Park underpants gnomes just a little too much. It's just...pissing me off.
Wake up and face me don't play dead cause maybe one day I will walk away and say you disappoint me maybe you're better off this way. --"Passive" --A Perfect Circle (via Tapeworm)
I was going to be all jealous of the people who got to go to Coachella... lots of fabulous acts I wish I could catch (or have caught). And I was thinking for once it might not be scorching hot. But then the weather heated up just in time for the weekend. After a friggin chilly week today and tomorrow are suddenly looking to be brutally hot. The desert is easily going to be in triple digits by breakfast. So to the folks who get dehydrated waiting on Amanda Palmer, neener. *sigh*
Mom's bday today. I want to cook an early dinner. Hopefully this will work out. Then tonight we close the play I've been pinch-hit stage managing. Would be happier but Thursday last I got to the first rehearsal of the next play I'm working on. Heading into weeks of solid rehearsal with precious few nights off. In Sherman Oaks. Blarg.
Off to get a little exercise in the heat. One day I will manage to get this done in the AM. But then the world will possibly end.
My MB. He's leaving for Afghanistan in less than 12 hours. I really just wanted him to come home. And my parents were dying to hear he'd be coming home. And worst of all, he wanted to come home. Instead we all hold our breaths and sleep badly for another year.
Otherwise ...Snow. I've been getting just a taste of what foreigners feel when they spend a winter in LA. It's been warm. Plain, unchanging, simply mild and warm. Today it rained a teeny bit. But it'll clear up for a few days and again be mild....
Ah well. I don't miss that day *after* the snow, with all the bitter ice and wind that does what it can to strip flesh from bone.
gloomy
recumbent