I felt the colour drain from my face as my stomach tied itself into tightly coiled viper. My legs turned into butter and melted from right under me.
No... No, this can't be happening! NO! It can't! I mentally screammed as I collasped onto the floor.
The door was wide open, but I didn't care. I felt the tears streaming down my face, warm and salty. They rolled past my chreeks and down my neck as i sniffled.
Stop crying you bitch. STOP IT!!! STOP FUCKING CRYING!!! It was no use, the sobs could no longer be choked back and even the door frame couldn't hold me upwards.
I have a job at Ticketek. I've been trying to get our cd released. It's been stress stess stess.
But I still can't remember what's going on around me.
Last week my phone was cut off and the the power because I hadn't paid the bills. I swear to god that I'd paid the bills only a week ago, and called on my neighbour's phone. They told me....what did they tell me? Something. Oh, that I'd paid the previous 3-month bills, and that was nearly four months ago. Am I really that forgetful? I don't think so, but my account echoes it. Had to sell all my Fred Astaire collectables, I have almost nothing left from my mother's collection. I think I'll have to sell the vinyl-seller soon, as much as I love it. There's nearly no albums left for me to play.
I'm broke. I thought my pay-check covered most of my stuff, but it's disappearing. Like yesterday, the milk in my fridge was out-of-date, but I thought I'd only just bought it. Then when I looked in the kitchen there's was nothing to eat. Two eggs, half a packet of cereal (I don't buy cereal, so wtf?) No food. Why hadn't I noticed this before? What have I been eating? I don't remember washing the dishes for ages. But I must have been eating, I think I'd have noticed if I hadn't. What was talking about? Oh yeah, went to get milk and found there was $82 in my account. I swear I had more than that.
There's something I have to do. If only I could remember what it was.
I tried to contact Sloane and Scar today, or yesterday, and they weren't home. I wonder where they've gone. Talking about gone people, Luke and Rory haven't been around since our last recording session. Where has everyone gone?
Have to buy catfood and shit, that's it. Sparticus is spending nighttime outside and leaving half-eaten wildlife in the bathroom, he must be hungry. And there isn't a can in the house.
Sometimes i wonder if it's really worth it. I look at my business beginning from export to dear Australia. I spend my time in a office or at home flicking through catalogues to help my expansion. The back seat of my car has barely been broken in and to top that off, They have all gone overseas it seems and if not overseas, extremely distracted.
Was the move worth it? I mean sure, i needed to get away from him, but maybe, just maybe it should fo been to soemwhere else.
it seems that something is wrong, i feel left out, i feel like i'm being played like a fool.
the dreams have returned and more visual. the police were trying to arrest us. i have a sneaking suspicion that scar knows alot more than she's letting on.
and about sloane. she has barely socialized with me before running off with her boyfriend for an educational holiday.
I'm falling apart, and there is nothing I can do about it. I'm beginning to feel a sense of deja vu. It's happening again. The last time I felt this sense of hopelessness and despair was after Ryan died. Now it's happening again.
I'm seriously beginning to wonder whether I've done the right thing for Destiny in sending her to that place. Each time I've gone there, she's been more distant from the previous time. It's as though she doesn't want to know me, and sometimes I can't say I blame her. At least she's looking slightly healthier. But that doesn't count for anything when it's as though she doesn't want to speak to me or see me any more.
She seems to be a lot more interested in some little 'sisterhood' thing she's involved in. It seems to me that it's just the four girls who share a ward room trying to evade Marie and her cronies, but Destiny clung onto the other three like she had no one else in the world. That really stung, but I had to admit, they were the only ones she had in here, and my visiting times had been progressively cut down. They were down to fifteen minutes a day.
I'd just received a phone call from Marie, who had informed me that my privileges in visiting Destiny had just been suspended indefinitely. I broke down into tears on the phone, but not before Marie had informed me icily that it was Destiny's fault and she should stop being so selfish, couldn't she see that she was hurting me too? I slammed down the phone after that.
Who gives a fuck what Marie thinks! Destiny wasn't selfish. Marie's little regime was making her that way. I still held onto my little glimmer of hope, but admittedly (though I hated the fact) our hopes and dreams together were fading. Destiny and I were growing apart, if ever so slightly. But it was noticeable. I missed her so desperately, but there was no way out.
The problem was, I had no one to turn to. My parents - dead. Ryan - dead. Destiny - incarcerated in a living hell by me. How mistaken could one person have been?
Every so often, I talked to Scarlett but I didn't know whether she'd understand. I mean, Destiny had been a bitch to her upon meeting. Anyway, it wasn't like she wasn't stressed out enough. Something seemed a bit... well, I'm not exactly sure what. She has some new boyfriend. Half the time when I talked to her, she was happy and altogether fine. The other half... well, who knew what was going on there? Maybe she was just moody, or maybe it was just me. Something seemed to be going on there, but I didn't exactly want to get involved.
I hadn't taken up on her offer to get Destiny moved, because she seemed comfortable with those other three girls. I can imagine her reaction if I took her away from them. She'd accuse me of trying to rip her away from then, of trying to take people that meant something to her away.
It's so strange. Life is so unbalanced; sometimes nothing happens at all, and then suddenly everything is occuring and you feel like you're drowning, like it's so hard to keep up. Things in Italy seem to have reached fever-pitch according to the Organisation reports. I'm a bit worried for Aisha over there, it looks like a major Family war is unfolding. And Sloane's in that region too, which isn't too good safety-wise. I really want to talk to them. The Organisation is a bit anxious, Liam and David are being sent over there. I know that they're excelllent at what they do, but I'm worried all the same. Dave broke up with Josh. I don't like how he's going on a dangerous mission right after because I know Dave wouldn't say much and just keep everything bottled up inside. If anything distracts him, well, second chances are rare indeed when the ammunition is live.
And then there's the Tony thing. I'm getting a bit more worried with each day now. I have a hand-shaped bruise on my shoulder from when he grabbed me and pushed me onto the sofa last time we fought. God, it was just over how much time I spend with Leo at L'oscurita. I mean, Aisha asked me to watch out for them both...although I have to admit I haven't explained just what Leo means to me to Tony yet. He might understand better if I did. But I'm not so sure even about that. But the thing is, the next day Tony saw the bruise and couldn't believe what he had done, and was so apologetic. He gave me an amazing massage and kissed it better and all. Was so sweet and caring, made me feel like a princess again. I don't get him. Some days, he just freezes me out, ignoring me or being dismissive. Then on other days, he's so loving and wonderful all over again. It's more than just moodyness...and it's starting to scare me. But I'm not giving up on us. I can take care of myself, I know I can. Why do I need to keep on reminding myself of that fact?
Getting away from all my personal bullshit, I actually made some progess with regards to my scroll assignment for O. Went to see a professor of languages who has done translation work for me before. Unfortunately, he couldn't actually translate the scrolls properly since his area of expertise is in ancient European lauguages. But he does know some old Asian text, and when I showed him the scroll, he actually spilt his cup of coffee down his beard and went bright red. And let me tell you, it takes a lot to phase this old man. He sat there muttering for a few moments, and wiped his glasses repeatedly before telling me the language was to complex for his skills. He did mention the subject matter is rather...graphic though.
Luckly, he knows of this lady who might be able to help me. He gave me the name of the store where she's working part time. Apparently she's mute but very adept with communicating through written notes or through this lady who can translate for her. I'll make an appointment and pay her a visit later in the week. Finally, progress. Whee.
I've missed seeing Mona around. The house next door is now empty, which I really don't like. Poses a security threat to our house. I wish I knew where Mona is now, I'd like to know how she is. Ah well, I'm sure we'll bump into each other soon. I think she's in Rory's band, so at least I some idea she's still around.
I feel so fucking guilty. I feel as though this is entirely my fault. I honestly believed that all this shit would be sorted out before Sin and Hayden got here. I never thought anything like this would happen. Oh god … what if he hadn’t made it? Fuck.
I was at my house when I got the phone call from Sin. She was obviously trying not to cry and though I couldn’t understand a word she said through her tears, I eventually made out that Hayden was in serious condition in the hospital.
When I got the phone call, I just froze up. She kept asking me why. Why didn’t I tell her? Why the fuck didn’t I tell her what was happening, give her some warning at least? I wish I could have told her. Told her not to ring me. It was too dangerous. It was like being caught up in one of those Hollywood action movies only this was reality. People were dying left and right. No one could leave their houses. All forms of communications were being tapped. It was just too fucking dangerous.
Thank god for Anton. He’s been an angel in the last few weeks. He rang Antonio and asked him to send a troop of bodyguards to the hospital and then drove us to the hospital. We drove in his car, less chance of us being recognised this way. The whole trip I stared out the window, wondering what I had gotten us all into. At least the Leo, Scar and Josh are safely back in Sydney (or so I hope).
I entered the building, pulling myself together. As soon as I spotted Sin I almost stepped back in shock. Her usually composed face was ghostly pale and streaked with tears. She pulled me into a tight hug and she cried onto my shoulder. I almost started crying as well; Sin never cried and she sure as hell never hugged anyone.
We sat down and her tears slowly subsided. I glanced over her shoulder to look at Anton who was talking to the doctor. He smiled reassuringly at me and gestured for me to get Sin something to eat. I persuaded her to take a walk with me and directed her to the hospital cafeteria.
Suddenly gunshots rang out. I instinctively pulled out my ankle holster and pulled Sin behind me as we slowly made our way towards the source of the noise. My heart started to pound as the nearer we got to the ICU Hayden was in, the clearer the noise became. I could hear shouting and the suddenly … silence.
We turned the corner to see the four bodyguards and Anton all training their guns on one single man. The man was slumped against the wall, blood seeping from a gun wound on his head. They lowered their guns and after a moment’s hesitation, I did too. He was dead.
Anton explained that a man, presumably a hired assassin, had entered the hospital room undetected and was about to start injecting poison into the drip that was connected to Hayden when a bodyguard has opened the door to check up on Hayden. A shooting war had broken out and even though it was four against one, it took a few shots before Anton has been able to wound him.
Things had gone far enough. It was time to leave. Besides, whoever had hired the man would now have Anton on his/her hit list.
Sin seems to be taking it well. Too well. She was shocked and fear showed on her face when the news registered. She ran into the ward that Hayden had been moved into and didn’t come out for quite awhile. When she did, she had a look of determination and suppressed anger. I wasn’t too surprised. I didn’t blame her.
I’ve arranged Hayden to be transferred to a smaller, more private hospital, now that his condition has been stabilised. I took Sin to the safe house and made her get some rest. Anton’s reserved tickets for Anna, Sin, Hayden, himself and I to go to France but we’ve been put on the waiting list. It’ll take a few days, but I don’t doubt that in a few days, we’ll have escaped the Family war.
I think I'm paralysed. Shit. I'm in shock and my fingers, my skin, everything is numb. I can't think. Fuck.
I'm so worried, and that sounds so inane. Of course I'm worried. I couldn't be anything but worried. He might not make it, he might have something amputated...he might die.
Let's start from the beginning. I can be calm. See? I just drank all the coffee the nurses gave me. I'll be ok. And maybe if I can learn to pray, he'll be ok to. Please, please, let him be ok. Maybe if I sleep, it'll all be a dream. Just some bloodthirsty nightmare.
We left Sydney a day ago, and caught the plane to Italy. We both decided to come for a short visit. He's studying architecture, I'm studying art. Europe was the perfect destination. I rang Aish to tell her, and she was cool with it. Seemed so distracted, something wrong with her family. I thought she just meant the family. Shit. I'm never going to take Aish's words at face-value again. But she said she could arrange accommodations for us, pull some strings. All I knew was that her parents are quite rich and influential in Venice.
I knew something was wrong when we got to the airport there. Aside from the fact that we were completely confused because neither of us understand a word of Italian, I just felt...wrong. I called Aish and she told me to get a bus or taxi and meet her at the hotel. Hayden had a cold and the weather was chilly, so we decided to catch a taxi.
All the way to the Hotel, there was another car tailing us. I know it sounds like something out of a bad spy movie, but that's the truth. What happened to us after is even more fantastic and horrific. I knew there was definitely something wrong when the Taxi stopped in a back alleyway, forcing us to walk and cross a major street. The curb was packed and whilst waiting for the light to change I felt someone push me.
The police don't believe me, but I know someone pushed me out onto the street, shoved Hayden out with me. Right into the path of an oncoming brute of a car that was coming straight at us. I rolled, Hayden wasn't so lucky.
Oh, sweet Jesus. They just told me he's going to be ok. He broke a couple of ribs, his collarbone and his leg and has some minor internal bleeding, but aside from that he's fine. How many Hail Mary's should I say from this blessing? I don't know, maybe I should join a church first.
I'm waiting for Aish to get here. She told me she'd be over straight way, and sent over some bodyguards. I'm really suspicious now, but she won't, can't explain. Something to do with her Family again. Why US? We have nothing to do with her family. Nothing at all. Fuck this, she's telling me everything.
I broke up with Dave. Perfect Doctor David. It's just gotten too boring. He's not into it anymore. There isn't any damn spark. It's like a damn marriage. We've seen each other way too much that I think we're both bored of each other. At least none of us were bitter about it. We just went our seperate ways. But hey, at least I'm free in time for the Mardi Gras. Well, I'm in need of sleep. Night.
First of all, Confusion. We've been working for weeks to get the album up to scratch and it feels like we're going nowhere. Rory is being an absolute perfectionist - if we don't have something to show for our efforts soon then we could lose the deal. Am so stressed and tired. Terry, manager Terry, keeps pushing us and pushing us. Sometimes I want to kill him. Only the coke has been keeping me calm, able to face the world on some days.
Money is tight, although I don't want to admit it. My case against the police and my old employer has fallen flat - lawyer Terry decided there wasn't enough evidence to back us up. I can't believe it. Every time I think of the time I spent in jail I become so consumed with anger, the bitterness radiates from me and I find myself being horrible to people. Terry is being nice about it though, he's talked to friends of friends to find me accommodation and get me a job at Ticketek like I wanted. The only problem is that he stares at my breasts all the time. And while I'm grateful to him, there's no way I'm going to throw myself at this little upstart for a bedroom with electricity.
I went to see Dre a week or two ago in jail. He's a pathetic little creature now. Smaller and weaker. He held onto his self-righteousness to the point of desperation, I almost felt sorry for him. He's placed all his things in my care, I didn't tell him that most of it was being held for evidence. I'm to get $2000 tomorrow in my account if I don't say a word about my life with Dre to anyone. I don't think he's worth that much, so I'll take it. Don't anyone tell me that I'm selling my soul, because the world is damned anyway. I need to stay alive.
I'm currently staying in Crows Nest, in this crappy unit overlooking the Pacific Highway. The noise is terrible, but as I've been spending most of my time at the studio working to the point of exhaustion, this hasn't proved a problem. The place smells of must and piss, there's next to no furniture. Sparticus is not adjusting to it at all, I'm so worried that I will find him by the road one night.
Start work at Ticketek tomorrow. Have another group session at the studio tonight. Plase don't let me get fired on my first day.
confused
anxious
gloomy