Disclosed

all of these people that are begging for money online make me sick. they're just pathetic. and i don't understand how they can have time to use the internet and all of that but not get a real job. plini spammed 41 communities asking for people to send her cash.. is that even allowed!? besides that she apparently had enough money for a paid account and to purchase illegal drugs..

and it's happening all over. http://cgi.aol.ebay.com/ws/eBayISA…
this girl claims to be homeless yet has a digital camera to take a picture of her and her suitcases. uhh.. yeah. maybe i just have no compassion. i was taught i had to work for money.

im laurie, and this has bothered me for awhile, especially since my boyfriend decided to
forgive me. (ack, and ill have to do this without a cigarette!) please, keep in mind that im a
bitch... you dont need to tell me. ok, here goes.....

i dated jake for a few years, and we were on and off, although at one point we were going
to get married (we were 17, 18...) i finally decided to call it off, finally (right) after he
freaked about me going to perkins with a friend, josh. i wrote jake, and told him it was
over. a few days later, josh and i hooked up. somehow, jake and i decided to be friends,
and i was hanging out with him more than josh, so josh called me and said this isnt going
to work out, and i said OK!! b/c i couldnt hear him (cellphone) so, josh and i hook back
up, hes ok with me being friends with jake, just not hanging out with him so much. jake
and i started hanging out again, although josh didnt like it. i told josh i was going to see a
movie with jake, whether or not he liked it. we went and saw moulin rouge, and we went
back to jakes house, and josh and i were having a little trouble, or so i thought. anyway, at
that point, i thought the relationship was over, and i guess, to make myself finalize it, i had
sex with jake. AFTER that i broke up with josh on aim, while he was being such a great
job and trying to work out the "problem". (i didnt tell him that jake and i had just had sex)
so, we broke up, and im going on my merry fucking way with jake, and THAT ends, and
josh and i are back together, nothing big..... and then in november, i start missing the
fucker, and we email and i called him at school, and around this time, i moved out to
where josh was living, b/c i had an argument with my parents, and i knew i couldnt talk to
jake, although for SOME reason, i missed him. well, the day before thanksgiving, i called
my mom about getting more of my shit out of my house, and we agreed to talk. i went
over there, without telling josh or the ppl we were living with, b.c i was to try to take over
the lease. i bailed. so after i was done talking to them, i got ahold of jake, and he wants to
see me, or something (before this, he called me to tell me how much he missed me or
some shit, and we talked on msn, no big deal.) so, i lie to my mom, and tell her im doing
something with benn (a friend of mine) and tell her to tell josh im sleeping if he calls. i go
out with jake, and he goes right to the place where wed have sex. yes, in the car. and he
just starts climbing over, and i said "you just think you can do that?" and he says do you
want to, or something to that affect, and i said yes, because in that momentary lapse of
reasoning, i was being selfish and wanted gratification and STUPID beyond fucking
believe. i mean, josh and i were doing great!! i was freaked about the lease and all that, but
still. so, we have sex. stupid, unfullfilling sex. i cheated. AGAIN. at this time, jakes best
friend, joel calls, and he and his girlfriend need a ride from ruby tuesdays. so we go and
get them, and joel is pissed. he hates me. so does dave, jakes other bf. so, we go to
dennys, and dave meets us there, and joel and molly are being so cuddly, and it reminded
me of josh and i and i wanted to call him sooooo bad..... and jake had me lie about why i
was there so they wouldnt be too pissed (dave and joel) i didnt want to, but i did, saying
that i had gotten kiked out and needed a place to stay. the next day, i was talking to my
coworker, and telling her that josh and i were in a fight, b/c i bailed on them (he didnt
know about the cheating) so she calls josh and invites him to her house for thanksgiving,
and we didnt even talk when he got in the car, and then we got to her house and fought
about me bailing, and not saying anything, and i was being a cold bitch. so we continue
fighting, and we got to the point of him saying (i think i told him to leave, im not sure)
and he said if he did, it was it, over, and i said good! and he left. so, i continue on my
destructive little path with jake, and called him that night and told him things got a little
less complicated (god... i remember trying to choose between them, and it was so hard at
the time.... why i dont know) and then, after new years, when i had put off killing myself
until my birthday, (josh was going to propose to me on new years too...) and josh and i
started talking on aim, and we were getting along, and then some online fucker came on
and told josh what happened, and of course, he flipped out. i THINK he knew about the
first time, but im not sure. he was cursing at me, and the online fucker was laughing at
me, and i just went nuts. i wanted to kill myself. i was trying to figure out the best way,
and jake and josh knew that, and jake came over to stop me (the fucker was �suicidal�
too, although i dont know why) and i only left the house b/c i didnt want him to wake up
my mom. we went out, and i didnt move... i stared off into space, he had to get me out of
his car, i just LAID on his couch, and stared off into space. at this point, jake gets the
brilliant idea to threaten suicide himself, (earlier, he supposedly had a gun with him....)
and he holds a knife against his throat, and says if i do it, hes going first. we kept on with
that fight, with me saying, uh, no IM going to do it, and YOURE not!! obviously, i said i
wouldnt do it.... i didnt want to be responsible for that. after that i still felt like shit, and i
wouldnt move if i didnt have to. i dont know how i managed to work. flash forward a few
weeks....... josh was up thinking about me, and he drove to duluth (in mn) and back trying
to get his mind off me, and that didnt work, and he came to my window, around one.....
and i was at jakes house. we are back together now, although i am waiting for karma to
come and kik me in the ass. i still cared about him soooo much. i cut myself when the
online fucker said josh hated me. i couldnt deal with that. even now, i could literally beat
myself up for that. josh and i are able to talk about it, and it drives me to tears, and
sometimes sobbing every time. i couldnt fall asleep b/c id lay awake and think about it.

I got a new car last week, it's a 96 but it's new to me. Nevermind the big loan that I should never have taken out. The other day I hit someone in the parking lot of the store I work at! There was no damage, our license plates just kissed. I should have paged the owner of the car. Or at least let customer service know since someone did see it happen. I much prefer ratting myself out to wallowing in guilt waiting for someone to tell on me. I just can't believe myself!

I am pretty sure that everyone is prety much annoyed with me most of the time and they let me hang out so as to not appear like dicks. I feel as if I'm inflicting myself on those I call friends.
note: This feeling grows & fades based seemingly on nothing- it just happens when it happens.

im usually not a jelouse person but lately i have been treating my new husband kinda bad lately because i feel like he is messing around. i know he isnt but some part of me cant help but feel that way. and its bad because its my insecurity and im taking it out on him. isnt that a terrible thing to do?

I stole another pen from work today.... I didn't mean to, it just happens...5 times a week. I didn't grab a new post-it pad tho.

I went to the bar lastnight and got drunk. my husband says I was flirting with some other guy. he wasn't upset about it, say I always flirt when drunk... but I didn't think I was flirting. I thought I was just talking to a friend. When is it flirting and not just talking? Where are the lines drawn? I don't think there's anything wrong with flirting.... but I don't think I was.

I'm addicted to sleeping pills.
3 days without, and 7am never looked as ugly as it did this morning while waiting to become tired.

If there was one thing I could take back this is it. I've been a victim many times, but I was violent once. I was 17, my brother was 10. My mother was really really struggling to make bill. It was close to christmas. I was doing dishes and my brother came in to show me what he was going to ask for for christmas. $3000.00 gift. I slapped him. Hard. Across the face. I didn't want my mom feeling guilty. She tried so hard to give us everything we wanted. It's no excuse. 5 years later I still think about it. I wonder if it ever really happened, I don't think I could have. It doesn't sound like me. I wonder if maybe it was a dream I had and thought maybe it was real. But I know I really did this. My brother doesn't remember. That leaves me as the only witness to the crime. The only one allowed to forgive and forget, since I was the only one there who remembers. but I can't do that. I feel one day that "violent me" might come back. I worry about it, alot.

I didn't mean to. I wasn't thinking anything. I don't know where this came from. I was like something else was controling my body, and I was only watching in horror. But that answer seems too simple.

Come on in and shut that door behind you won't ya? We all have our dirty little secrets. I created this journal so that you can all air your dirty laundry. Perhaps you'll feel you're not as alone as you think.