marrying my best friend of many years. i feel really lucky and excited. when i think about wedding stuff though i feel a little bit sick and think about how i threw up at my sweet 16. my dad's family really complicates things and i feel awkward thinking about it. i hope we get to move back to la soon. it's too cold where we are now and isolated. i miss friends and sunshine. it's always raining or cloudy here.
what a terrible mistake you were, both times. i wish i felt nothing for you and had never met you. you are all wrinkled around your eyes. you have bad breath and a worse temper. your teeth are messed up and your eyes bulge out. you embarrass yourself trying to be a two bit town hipster. i hope your relationship fizzles and you are left all alone.
i think i am secretly in love with my best friend. the one i broke up with a long time ago, to be with someone else. the second person left for no reason and disappointed me a great deal. he came back to me and i'm trying to make it work, but sometimes i'm not sure why. inside it kind of feels like maybe my best friend is the right person for me. but i don't want to ever hurt him again. i get so confused. everything is weird in my life right now. new place. new job. new people. i guess i should wait before i do or say anything. i have no idea. i have to stop making people feel sad about me. it's not much to be sad about anyway.
a big mess like usual. js is done with and we do not communicate in any way really. flk has confused me way too much, and i'm feeling worn out and bad from it. i think it will only get worse too. and maybe there can be a big explosion at the end, with my brains coming out of my head. i am not optimistic about my move, even though i smile and nod when people ask me about it. i say stupid shit and look happy and say "palm trees". it doesn't seem to matter how old i get. 24 now, still a mess deep down. it doesn't matter if you have a bachelors. a masters. they're just pieces of paper. maybe if i got the doctorate.
i love you but i'm not in love with you may be the worst words in the world. chances are i'm deserving of them though, due to past offenses towards others.
i'm sorry i put so much into this person and even sorrier i don't feel the same way that they do. honestly, i feel like a huge jackass. if that procedure in eternal sunshine was real then maybe i'd get it. i hate hidamaris a lot.
i'm so sorry i hurt you. i know you probably can't forgive me. at least for a very long time. maybe things won't ever be the same and that makes my heart feel broken. you are my best friend. i'm sorry that i'm not a better person and am not as good a person as you are. i'm sorry if i led you on. and i'm sorry that my feelings changed over time. i wish i was younger than you, and less experienced. honestly, i can't stop crying since i told you. because it's been scaring me more than anything and now that i've done it.. i don't even know if it was the right thing to do. i have nightmares that you will despise me.
you are too good for me. and i think you finally know that. i'm sorry you had to find out though.
