Neverland

I just realized how many friends I don't hang out with and how many friends I can't hang out with. I don't get to hang out with my family and I don't even get to hang out with my boyfriend anymore. It sucks. I have been on the verge of tears all day and have had a couple of minor breakdowns. I am feeling so lonely. I cried for over an hour last night and have been like that ever since. I told my boyfriend somewhat of how I am feeling. For some reason I don't want him to know that I am feeling so down. I am sure that he saw it today but I don't want him to know exactly why. I feel like I am burdening people with my pety crap.

I am falling way deep into my old eating habits. I almost didn't eat anything at all today and then when I did, I had thoughts of throwing it up. I even went into the bathroom. What's wrong with me? i just don't get it.I have gained a noticable amount of wieght and I think that I am looking pretty bad body wise. I know that I am not but I can't help but feel that way. I feel fat.

....I am still at the studio and I just can't bring myself to go home. Not that I don't want to or anything. I just don't want to go to sleep. I know that I need to sleep but I have so much on my mind. These dreams are really getting to me. I am trying to ignore them but if my dad is right and it is my native spirit and stuff trying to tell me something then I should pay attention. But what is it trying to tell me? I don't even know if I believe the indian stuff anyway. That's another thing on my mind. What do I believe? I feel lost sometimes. I miss Marcus. I know that I get to see him at work but, come on, work does not count. It jsut doesn't. I know you know what I mean. We are talking about moving in together and I like it. It makes me miss him more though. I need to look at it as something to look forward to though, ya know? It's hard being patient. All I am doing latley is eating. I am so hungry. Food, food, food. When I do sleep, I wake up in the middle of the night wanting a full course meal. How retarded is that? If I am not working, I am eating. I am gaining noticable wieght and with my past eating disorders, it scares me. I am feeling, mentally, that I am getting fat. I see fat when I look in the mirror. Everyone says that I don't look like I have gained but I know that I have. If you have had an eating disorder, you know when you are gaining wieght even without a scale. It's all that you think about when you look at yourself or when you are around people. I get all self conscience. Maybe it's just because I am stressed about the dreams and I am not sleeping well. My body needs food. Or maybe it's somehting else....no, I'm not. Not pregnant, that it. I can't be. Besides, other things would change if I was, anyway. I worry about things way too much and I know this. I just can't help myself.

....I am still having odd dreams. THey scare me sometimes, others they just freak me out. The las couple have been about murdering others. The first, I was the one killing people but I was forced to. Last nights, I witnessed the murders in public events. They just get more and more viloent. I hate sleeping and my body hates not to sleep. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't...

I'm feelin' a little saucey today. Woke up in a horrible mood. Couldn't sleep worth a damn last night and am going to be up past 1am tomorrow morning for our anniversary party tonight. My dreams suck, my boyfriend and I have had very little time to see each other outside work and it blows. We went from staying together every night to not at all. It's niether if our faults. Totally uncontrollable circumstances but it sucks. I miss him a lot. I didn't know that I could miss someone so much. I cried after dropping him off last night. See the thing is-he was living with his dad. I stayed there with him. No big thing. He really wanted to move out, understandable. So he moved in with a former co-worker of his and the both lost thier jobs due to the business losing it's lease. Not his fault. His roomate found another job quickly but Marcus is having a hard time because very time that a place finds out that he owns jis own studio, they assume he does not have the time so he doesn't get hired. A downfall of many to owning your own business. Well, since about a month ago he has been at his dad's or the studio even. I would have him stay over at my place but my anal aunt had a shit fit the last time I had him over. He says no over night guests and out by 12pm. She really doesn't want me to have people over at all since she doesn't know my friends and hasn't met Marcus yet. So in turn, we haven't been able to see each other. It's hard. He text me at about 3am today asking if I would come to the studio because he didn't want to be alone. Did I get it? No, not until 1/4 to 7. I am trying to patient but I miss him. We want to get a place of our own but we need about 6 more months to get financially stable. Lame.

My last dream that I can remember, I was forced to shoot someone to death. I remember the blood and how devestated that I was after I did what I was forced to do. That's the just of that crappy vision. I am so sick to my stomach with these dreams. i don't want them. They need to go away. Now, all I do is toss and turn all night or don't sleep at all. I am bartely eating, and for me, that's a dangerous thing.

I have been getting over eating disorders the last year or so and I am falling back into the mess I was in. I have been gaining wieght and I see that so it makes it even harder for me to eat. Marcus is great though. When he is with me he asks me if I have eaten and if I haven't them he gets me something or makes me fix something. He asks me every day. I don't want to tell him that I am having trouble because he tries so hard to be there and make me feel beautiful. He does...it's when I am alone that things get messed up.

Things will work out once I figure out what is causing all of the emotional dreams an such. I just have to be fucking patient.

1.Your Name
Ashley

2. How big is your bed?
Full

3. What are you listening to right now?
Rumba music

4. What are the last 4 digits in your cellphone number?
7713

5. What was the last thing you ate?
Spicy chix teriyaki

6. Last person you hugged?
Marcus-who else?


7. How is the weather right now?
Cold, cloudy, wet, and cold.

8. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Joanne

9. the person you love most?
Oh man...I love my grandparents equally the most. They are my heroes. I love Marcus, too.

10. Favorite type of Food?
Thai, mexican, cajun...spicier the better.

11. Do you want children
Yes.

12. Do you get high?
I have...I was regularly but I'm not doing it anymore.

13. Ever get so drunk you don't remember the entire night?
Bits and pieces but never lost the entire night.

14. Hair color?
Dark brown.

15. Eye color?
Hazel

16. Do you wear contacts?
Yes.

17. Favorite holiday?
Halloween...you get to be something or someone else for awhile...like acting.

18. Favorite Season?
More the transition between summer and fall... but for the most part summer.

20. Last Movie you Watched?
The Terminal

29. What books are you reading?
Ayruvedic Health, Great Plains Indians, Getting Closer, Reprocussion, and one other health book.

30. Piercings?
Three in each ear, tongue, nose, belly button, one in my cartlidge in upper left ear.

31. Favorite Movie?
Dirty Dancing and Peterpan.

32. Favorite college football Team?
None.

33. What were you doing before filling this out?
Working at the studio.

34. Any pets?
One cat.

35. AIM?
Nope.

36. Dogs or cats?
Small dogs but cats are cute, too.

38. Favorite Flower?
Tulips.

40. Have you ever loved someone?
Yes, I am in love now. It's a wonderful thing.

41. Who would you like to see right now?
My grandpa.

43. Have you ever fired a gun?
Tons. M1 Grand, Smith & Wesson 9mm, Police issue 12 gage, uh...semi-automatic 22...there are others...just can't remember.

45. Right-handed or Left-handed?
Right-handed.

46. If you could go to any place right now where would you go?
Somewhere warm. It is too cold here.

48. Are you missing someone?
My grandparents.

49. Do you have a tattoo?
One on my ankle. It's a butterfly and the design on it is a tigers face.

50. Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday mornings?
Sorry, I work at the studio early on Saturdays.

51. Are you hiding something from someone?
Not really. There are just things that I can't talk about yet because I haven't come to terms with them. Mostly the dream issue.

52. Birthday?
Oct/27/1985

53. WHAT IS THE WALLPAPER ON YOUR CELLPHONE?
The standard clock crap.

54. DID YOU GET ENOUGH SLEEP LAST NIGHT?
Decent amount but, no, not enough.

55. FIRST THING YOU THOUGHT ABOUT THIS MORNING?
Hmmm..."oh crap...I don't want to get out of bed yet," "I hate gettingg up,", "Fuck...," does that some it up?

56. WHAT DO YOU HAVE HANDY AT YOUR BEDSIDE?
Ha...water. Other things are in my dresser drawer ;)

57. GRILLED of FRIED?
I like both.

59. WHAT MAKES YOU UNIQUE?
I am a diverse person with a lot to offer someone. I do many things and have many interests. I always keep people on thier toes.

60. ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?
Yes.

61. FAVORITE HANGOUt?
The studio...um...public dances...a park...pretty much anywhere with something active to do.

62. THING YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT?
Love, my cell-phone, make up...uh...dance.

64. FAVORITE SONG?
Too many.

65. WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?
Death, dark, car accidents, water.

66. ARE YOU A GIVER OR TAKER?
More a giver than anything. It makes me happy to be able to give someone something to make them happy.

67. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
Asher, Princess(only Marcus calls me that), Ash( only my grandparents and select people are allowed to call me that and they know who they are).

69. WHATS YOUR MOTHERS MIDDLE NAME?
Gaye.

70. STUCK ON A DESERTED ISLAND & COULD ONLY BRING ONE Thing...
Cell phone because then I could call someone to come and get my ass off the stinkin' island before I lose my sanity.

71. FAVORITE T.V. COMMERCIAL?
I hate them all!

73. FIRST THING YOU'LL SAVE IN A FIRE?
My care bears baby blanket.

74. FAVORITE COLOR?
Pink.

75. WHAT ARE THE THINGS YOU ALWAYS BRING WITH YOU?
Cell phone, keys, make up, money, planner, chapstick, pen, scratch paper, extra clothes( I am always inbetween jobs and don't have time to go home), shoes, water.

76. WHAT DID YOU WANNA BE WHEN YOU WERE A KID?
A teacher.

77. WHAT DO YOU USUALLY DO WHEN THE CLOCK TURNS?
I don't do anything...

78. THE COLOR OF YOUR BEDSHEET?
White with blue stripes.

79. WHO DO U WANT TO MEET?
Anyone I can.

80. WHAT DID U THINK ABOUT BEFORE YOU WENT TO BED LAST NIGHT?
I hope I don't have another dream....


 



1. I need: Love.

2. Sex: Female.

3. Relationships: Are the most wonderful things in the world, if you let them be that.

4. Your Last Ex: Was a big ass...

6. Marijuana: Is calming... but not  for every day.

7. Crack: Is not for me.

8. Food: Is a beautiful thing...but in moderation.

9. The President: Don't make me go there.

10. War: Never ends.

11. Cars: Are cool to have but I hate to drive.

12. Gas Prices: Pathetic. 

13. Halloween: Is fun because you can be something or someone else.

14. Politics: Not my thing.

15. My Religion: I am a spiritual person but not religious. I believe many things.

16. Children: Are a blessing.

17. MySpace: Is annoying.

18. My Worst Fear: Death. 

19. Marriage: I can see it happening, I just don't know when.

20. Fashion: Love it.

21. Brunettes: It's a hair color. Big deal.

22. Redheads: See #21

23: Work: I like my new job. It pays the bills.

24: Three-somes: Never really thought about it. Not my thing, I guess.

25. One night stands: Once...big mistake.

26: My Pet Peeve: Messes. My room is one thing because I am the only one that has to live in it but work and the studio are another story. They are a business. Clean up after yourself.

27: Pixie Stix: Flavored sugar...wow. Now that is somehting to cheer about.

28: Vanilla Ice: I like the music.

29. Love: Is the most amazing thing you'll ever, ever experience.

30: Porta Potties: Sick.

31: High school: Was a difficlut time for me. I am glad that it is over.

32. Pajamas: Sometimes ;)

33. Woods: ??

34. Surfers: Disciplined...

35. Pictures: Are fun to take.

36. Boys: Just as crazy as girls.

37. Girls: Just as crazy as guys.

38: College: I want to but I don't need to in order to be successful.

39: Parents: I have a dad you is back after 16 years and that's it.

40: Music: Love it.

....things are starting to come back together. I started work at Scott's Bar and Grill. I am the day Assistant Hostess. It's a lot of fun and I am getting paid just about the same as I was a Kinkos for a hell of a lot less work. Kind of nice. Also my insurance is so much better. I have massage therapy covered and that is something that I have desperatley needed for about 6 years. It's once a month but that is better than nothing and then if I ever need an extra visit I can just pay for it. Everyone is so nice. I have made a bunch of friends already and I fit in really welll. I am also looking at being cross trained as a server and Lead Hostess and I am paying close attention to the Chefs. I told both my lead and my manager that I want to know as much asd I can so that I can move up and they are really excited. It should be good.

Marcus and I are good. He is going to stay at my place tonight and then tomorrow we plan to go to Everett. He has never been that far up north and I was raised there so I want to show him around a bit. He has been in the Seattle area for only 2 years. He was born and raised in New Jersey so he comes from afar. You may think that there is nothing in Everett but contrary to popular belief, there is plenty. I doubt though that we are going to get out of bed for much of anything so we may just watch tv or movies. He'll meet my aunt and hopefully my cousin. That's exciting. He has met my dad and then in a few weeks he'll meet my heroes-grandma and grandpa. We are going to go to thier place for a weekend. They live in Forks so it wqill be like a mini vaca. for us. That will be so healthy for us to get away from the Seattle area. Too much stress here.

That's it. Until next time~

...as girls sometimes. I mean, he is distant one day and totally all over me the next. What to do with him...geez...he has just had a lot on his plate and he didn't need space from us but needed to get things straight for him. That's all. I am just a worrier.

I got decent sleep last night. I have been writing a lot to see where my mind goes when I am not really thinking but putting it all down, if that makes sense. I am finally making sense of some things and getting rid of what I need to and fixing what I need to. There are a few things that I still need to work on but I know that with time it will all work out. In my tribe, dreams are a thing of warning, solutions, and visions. I need to keep in mind that they aren't bad and that if I pay attention that I will be able to foresee things and take care of others.

So, I was working with a coule of new trainees here at the studio. Not a big deal. I thought it was going great. We were only about 5 minutes into it when Marcus-owner and teacher and boyfriend-sat down, I thought and always do that when he or Christina are in the room just sitting that they are kind of watching us new teachers. I lose all self confidence and can't remember everything and get really flustered. I said some things in front of the student/trainee that I should ahve just kept to myself about how I didn't want to do it in front of him and I always forget. That kind of thing. Marcus talked to me and he's right. I should not say that in front of people. And it needs to stop. Cool. I understand an am cool with that. Now I am just mad at myself. If I can't do it in front of Christina or Marcus, how am I supposed to be teaching students? I feel like I am behing in my trianing and this is one of the reasons why. Why do I lose my confidence like that?

...I had a really good experience last night. Even though I had been up for 36+ hours already I had my first real photo shoot. Lights, hair, make-up...the works. It was tons of fun. I finally got to put that $2,000 worth of training at Barbizon to use. I was so nervous in the beginning but Sean the photographer and Sean the "fluffer" ( person that helps with hair, set, lights,etc.) made it really easy for me.

I modeled for the studio. I wore dresses that cost upwards of $900-$1500. Jewelry that cost more than that. I was a princess. They took over 500 shots and if I do say so myself, they were pretty damn good. I asked Sean the fluffer what he honestly thought and he told me that he had planned on being there much longer than we were. !!!That is such a good thing!!! For a model to take less time in a shoot means that she has it. She can take a good picture. The less time the better. I was so happy! I am happy! I feel really good and I just hope that Christina and Marcus get what the want out of it. I hope that they like them.

I'll post pictures when I get them back. I think that you'll like what you see.

Until next time~

...I know why I am not sleeping, I just don't want to admit it. I haven't been sleeping because I am afraid of my dreams. Not because they are truly scarey but maybe because they have been so real lately. I understand them for the most part, it's just they have been so vivid...I just don't want to have them. I like when I can't remember what I was dreaming the next morning. I like not waking up with my body in knots because I physically feel the anger that I felt in a dream. I like waking up without the feeling that I am going to wet myself. It's too wierd and uncomfortable. But maybe being uncomfortable tells me something. I don't know...

...I think I am being to clingy with Marcus. Maybe I'm not. We do see a lot of each other working together and then staying with each other. We don't fight and we don't argue. Maybe that's what we need. An arguement...as much as I don't want one, they can be healthy. He says he loves me...I love him...he does have to share a car with 2 other people that don't even live with him...he just doesn't want me to have to get up early, too so he'll stay there. I know he isn't ashamed of me...at least I don't think he is... and that's not hwy that I don't go to his parents house with him. He just needs his space and wants to hang with his brother but I can't but feel a little left out. We see each other so much that sometimes we don't have anything to talk about. Which makes me think that I am not intellegent enough to find somehting to talk about with him. He is 10 years older and has so much more on life than I do but I am smart...right? It's just sometimes I feel I am not good enough for him. That he deserves better. I do love him, though and I know he cares about me. It shows in the way that he treats me and the things that he'll say to me before we go to sleep. Maybe I just have some personal insecurities to deal with. I don't feel like has a lot of fun dancing with me. I am new and I mess up a lot and I say sorry a lot. I shouldn't. I need to just let go and have a good time. Then why would he be my partner for international style for competition? Who knows... I am probably just over thinking...

That's it for now. I am going to go and look something up so that I have something to talk about with Marcus tomorrow....