More thoughts....

....I am still at the studio and I just can't bring myself to go home. Not that I don't want to or anything. I just don't want to go to sleep. I know that I need to sleep but I have so much on my mind. These dreams are really getting to me. I am trying to ignore them but if my dad is right and it is my native spirit and stuff trying to tell me something then I should pay attention. But what is it trying to tell me? I don't even know if I believe the indian stuff anyway. That's another thing on my mind. What do I believe? I feel lost sometimes. I miss Marcus. I know that I get to see him at work but, come on, work does not count. It jsut doesn't. I know you know what I mean. We are talking about moving in together and I like it. It makes me miss him more though. I need to look at it as something to look forward to though, ya know? It's hard being patient. All I am doing latley is eating. I am so hungry. Food, food, food. When I do sleep, I wake up in the middle of the night wanting a full course meal. How retarded is that? If I am not working, I am eating. I am gaining noticable wieght and with my past eating disorders, it scares me. I am feeling, mentally, that I am getting fat. I see fat when I look in the mirror. Everyone says that I don't look like I have gained but I know that I have. If you have had an eating disorder, you know when you are gaining wieght even without a scale. It's all that you think about when you look at yourself or when you are around people. I get all self conscience. Maybe it's just because I am stressed about the dreams and I am not sleeping well. My body needs food. Or maybe it's somehting else....no, I'm not. Not pregnant, that it. I can't be. Besides, other things would change if I was, anyway. I worry about things way too much and I know this. I just can't help myself.