Sleep is a wonderful thing...sometimes...
...I know why I am not sleeping, I just don't want to admit it. I haven't been sleeping because I am afraid of my dreams. Not because they are truly scarey but maybe because they have been so real lately. I understand them for the most part, it's just they have been so vivid...I just don't want to have them. I like when I can't remember what I was dreaming the next morning. I like not waking up with my body in knots because I physically feel the anger that I felt in a dream. I like waking up without the feeling that I am going to wet myself. It's too wierd and uncomfortable. But maybe being uncomfortable tells me something. I don't know...
...I think I am being to clingy with Marcus. Maybe I'm not. We do see a lot of each other working together and then staying with each other. We don't fight and we don't argue. Maybe that's what we need. An arguement...as much as I don't want one, they can be healthy. He says he loves me...I love him...he does have to share a car with 2 other people that don't even live with him...he just doesn't want me to have to get up early, too so he'll stay there. I know he isn't ashamed of me...at least I don't think he is... and that's not hwy that I don't go to his parents house with him. He just needs his space and wants to hang with his brother but I can't but feel a little left out. We see each other so much that sometimes we don't have anything to talk about. Which makes me think that I am not intellegent enough to find somehting to talk about with him. He is 10 years older and has so much more on life than I do but I am smart...right? It's just sometimes I feel I am not good enough for him. That he deserves better. I do love him, though and I know he cares about me. It shows in the way that he treats me and the things that he'll say to me before we go to sleep. Maybe I just have some personal insecurities to deal with. I don't feel like has a lot of fun dancing with me. I am new and I mess up a lot and I say sorry a lot. I shouldn't. I need to just let go and have a good time. Then why would he be my partner for international style for competition? Who knows... I am probably just over thinking...
That's it for now. I am going to go and look something up so that I have something to talk about with Marcus tomorrow....
...I think I am being to clingy with Marcus. Maybe I'm not. We do see a lot of each other working together and then staying with each other. We don't fight and we don't argue. Maybe that's what we need. An arguement...as much as I don't want one, they can be healthy. He says he loves me...I love him...he does have to share a car with 2 other people that don't even live with him...he just doesn't want me to have to get up early, too so he'll stay there. I know he isn't ashamed of me...at least I don't think he is... and that's not hwy that I don't go to his parents house with him. He just needs his space and wants to hang with his brother but I can't but feel a little left out. We see each other so much that sometimes we don't have anything to talk about. Which makes me think that I am not intellegent enough to find somehting to talk about with him. He is 10 years older and has so much more on life than I do but I am smart...right? It's just sometimes I feel I am not good enough for him. That he deserves better. I do love him, though and I know he cares about me. It shows in the way that he treats me and the things that he'll say to me before we go to sleep. Maybe I just have some personal insecurities to deal with. I don't feel like has a lot of fun dancing with me. I am new and I mess up a lot and I say sorry a lot. I shouldn't. I need to just let go and have a good time. Then why would he be my partner for international style for competition? Who knows... I am probably just over thinking...
That's it for now. I am going to go and look something up so that I have something to talk about with Marcus tomorrow....