This week on the blackboard!
OOC: HMD ME HERE. BECAUSE I SUCK.
OOC: HMD ME HERE. BECAUSE I SUCK.
28. leaving with a bang.
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Never trust, nor underestimate, a man with impressive facial hair. One of these days, he may just surprise you.
And on that piece of wisdom, I shall be leaving you. Remember me by the smell of cigarettes in the library and at those times when you just think 'I need professional help. TO THE PUB.'
((ooc: Bernard has left the building. He won't reply to you. Sorry for the tl;dr post. I'll cover in my drop-him post what I'm assuming 'bout the thread in a mo.))
Never trust, nor underestimate, a man with impressive facial hair. One of these days, he may just surprise you.
And on that piece of wisdom, I shall be leaving you. Remember me by the smell of cigarettes in the library and at those times when you just think 'I need professional help. TO THE PUB.'
((ooc: Bernard has left the building. He won't reply to you. Sorry for the tl;dr post. I'll cover in my drop-him post what I'm assuming 'bout the thread in a mo.))
27. Announcements!
Ladies and gentlemen! Timewasters and Time Lords! Bearded ones and the intelligent population! Library dwellers and kitchen denizens!
Some points of note:
There is a moustache on the loose. If anyone sees it, it's Otto's and it's escaped. If you do see it, DO NOT APPROACH. It is quite possibly armed and dangerous.
It is, surprisingly, my birthday. Yes, I was once born. Send me books. Lots and lots of books. Then leave me alone.
Snape, Aziraphale, Otto and Una? You are requested, in the Pub, at some point during the day for Project 'Bernard Is Not An Alcoholic On His Birthday Because Look. Friends.' I point out, this is NOT a party. I don't do parties, and if anyone uses the word party as a verb...
If you were wondering, I'm three hundred and twelve. The alcohol's been pickling me since 1688.
oh and on another note. Otto. Uh, you've graduated. Sod off. Out my sight. Way to learn just to insult people and not get involved in stupid heists. Thanks for wasting three months of my time, you know, the whole shebam.
Some points of note:
There is a moustache on the loose. If anyone sees it, it's Otto's and it's escaped. If you do see it, DO NOT APPROACH. It is quite possibly armed and dangerous.
It is, surprisingly, my birthday. Yes, I was once born. Send me books. Lots and lots of books. Then leave me alone.
Snape, Aziraphale, Otto and Una? You are requested, in the Pub, at some point during the day for Project 'Bernard Is Not An Alcoholic On His Birthday Because Look. Friends.' I point out, this is NOT a party. I don't do parties, and if anyone uses the word party as a verb...
If you were wondering, I'm three hundred and twelve. The alcohol's been pickling me since 1688.
oh and on another note. Otto. Uh, you've graduated. Sod off. Out my sight. Way to learn just to insult people and not get involved in stupid heists. Thanks for wasting three months of my time, you know, the whole shebam.
SPAM OF RIDICULOUSNESS.
[ooc: Bernard has noticed this.]]
[A copy of Twilight comes flying across the book fort, hitting the bookshelves next to where Snape is sat.]
Stop talking to him, dammit!
[A copy of Twilight comes flying across the book fort, hitting the bookshelves next to where Snape is sat.]
Stop talking to him, dammit!
26. pre-drunken monopoly, post twilight torture - he's pissed.
VAMPIRES OF THE BARGE! AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT.
PLEASE. TELL ME THAT YOU DO NOT SPARKLE AND ARE NOT SEXUALLY REPRESSED WEIRD SEXISTS. PLEASE. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, TELL ME YOU DO NOT SPARKLE.
That is all.
p.s. Loki, you're a pathetic little creampuff. Stay out o' my library. The library. Me and Aziraphale's joint owned venture of booky-ness.
PLEASE. TELL ME THAT YOU DO NOT SPARKLE AND ARE NOT SEXUALLY REPRESSED WEIRD SEXISTS. PLEASE. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, TELL ME YOU DO NOT SPARKLE.
That is all.
p.s. Loki, you're a pathetic little creampuff. Stay out o' my library. The library. Me and Aziraphale's joint owned venture of booky-ness.
25. literature is a bit scary sometimes.
Mr Severus Snape! Yes, you! You've been lurking. Which, I guess, is a default position for you, sneaking around, being unseen. Or something. This is a good bottle of wine. Basically, I've got to give you a present. Because I'm generous like that, and you keep not being where I am.
Which is damned inconsiderate of you! Now I have to write this out ands start rambling at you and generally hope that you get this message, and make it entirely public knowledge that I'm being so generous.
Although literature's a bloody dangerous thing, you know. Aside from papercuts which are, what, some kind of hazard of the job. I'm now running a prison library, or more accurately, a library prison. Blerg.
[Filtered to everyone bar O'Brien and Sveta (because sometimes, Bernard has a heart. Honest.)]
Right. Copies of 1984, hot off the press. One for everyone. If you've never read it, do so now and save yourself potential pain/manipulative buggers later. One day, literature may just save your lives, children! Today is that day! Come collect your complimantary photocopy from the library.
No, I don't give a damn about copy-bloody-right.
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Which is damned inconsiderate of you! Now I have to write this out ands start rambling at you and generally hope that you get this message, and make it entirely public knowledge that I'm being so generous.
Although literature's a bloody dangerous thing, you know. Aside from papercuts which are, what, some kind of hazard of the job. I'm now running a prison library, or more accurately, a library prison. Blerg.
[Filtered to everyone bar O'Brien and Sveta (because sometimes, Bernard has a heart. Honest.)]
Right. Copies of 1984, hot off the press. One for everyone. If you've never read it, do so now and save yourself potential pain/manipulative buggers later. One day, literature may just save your lives, children! Today is that day! Come collect your complimantary photocopy from the library.
No, I don't give a damn about copy-bloody-right.
( Collapse )
24. my life is drinking, cigarettes and books. it's fantastic.
Well, I have books. More books.
And alcohol.
I swear, everyone who sent me something? IS THIS ALL YOU THINK OF ME? Books and drinking! Am I that obvious?! Well, I can't quite believe... judging me like that...
You're all pretty much right, well done, what a fabulous choice.
So I'm getting drunk in my book fort. If anyone spoils me for the-book-which-shall-not-be-named, I WILL SEVERELY HURT THEM WITH A SANDWICH TOASTER. And no, Snape, you can't have them.
Otto, if you dare disturb me, you'll meet with a worse fate.
That is all.
[Added after talking to Una]
Oh Azirapaaaaaaaaaaale. Mr Angel-with-the-objection-to-smokers. We need a word.
And alcohol.
I swear, everyone who sent me something? IS THIS ALL YOU THINK OF ME? Books and drinking! Am I that obvious?! Well, I can't quite believe... judging me like that...
You're all pretty much right, well done, what a fabulous choice.
So I'm getting drunk in my book fort. If anyone spoils me for the-book-which-shall-not-be-named, I WILL SEVERELY HURT THEM WITH A SANDWICH TOASTER. And no, Snape, you can't have them.
Otto, if you dare disturb me, you'll meet with a worse fate.
That is all.
[Added after talking to Una]
Oh Azirapaaaaaaaaaaale. Mr Angel-with-the-objection-to-smokers. We need a word.
23. I'm fun and christmassy, honest.
Oh...
BAH HUMBUG.
I'm going back to my book fort.
And if anyone says I'm not fun, they can have a look at my damn cufflinks. THEY HAVE MOUTHS. If anyone wants to say I'm not christmassy, they can look at my damn hat (thanks, Otto). It's very fitting for the season.
BAH HUMBUG.
I'm going back to my book fort.
And if anyone says I'm not fun, they can have a look at my damn cufflinks. THEY HAVE MOUTHS. If anyone wants to say I'm not christmassy, they can look at my damn hat (thanks, Otto). It's very fitting for the season.
22. a public service declaration.
You know what this port means?
BOOK SHOPPING. I get to be somebody else's hell for a few days. Well, provided I avoid chain bookshops, as that's inflicting hell and damnation upon myself.
Apart from your personal hell, Otto. Don't feel left out, your hell will still be coming thick and fast. Oh, and I signed you up for arty things. Enjoy.
Now, who can tell me a good pub? C'mon New Yorkers, where's a good place to get drunk in a quiet corner with a moustachioed git and a big pile of books in tow?
BOOK SHOPPING. I get to be somebody else's hell for a few days. Well, provided I avoid chain bookshops, as that's inflicting hell and damnation upon myself.
Apart from your personal hell, Otto. Don't feel left out, your hell will still be coming thick and fast. Oh, and I signed you up for arty things. Enjoy.
Now, who can tell me a good pub? C'mon New Yorkers, where's a good place to get drunk in a quiet corner with a moustachioed git and a big pile of books in tow?
21. clumsiness and drunkeness is a brilliant combination. - voice.
[Bernard probably was struck late with the decorating desire. So tried to fiddle with some tinsel. It ended quickly and disasterously. He sounds quite drunk and just a little panicky]
[Sound of spluttering] Tinsel tastes bloody horrible. You'd think, if [Rustling noise] they knew people were going to get tied up in this damn stuff as some sort of Christmas imprisonment, they'd make it taste better. Or easier to untie! Or....
[More frantic rustling as he tries to get out of his own tinsel-trap] NOT SO BLOODY STUPID. Christmas is attacking me! No holidays like me! Not even the one which is supposed to be about being bloody nice!
Stupid arsing tinsel! [Long pause and a shuffling sound]
I also have a bit of plastic holly stuck in my hair and it keeps bobbing in and out of my vision. THIS IS UNFAIR. DAMN YOU, FATHER CHRISTMAS YOU UTTER SO-JOLLY-HE'S-PROBABLY-ON-CRACK WANKER.
Otto, this is totally you and your moustache and that aforementioned bearded idiot plotting against me. DON'T DENY IT.
[Descends into shuffling and tinsel rustling.]
I CAN'T EVEN LIGHT A CIGARETTE.
[Sound of spluttering] Tinsel tastes bloody horrible. You'd think, if [Rustling noise] they knew people were going to get tied up in this damn stuff as some sort of Christmas imprisonment, they'd make it taste better. Or easier to untie! Or....
[More frantic rustling as he tries to get out of his own tinsel-trap] NOT SO BLOODY STUPID. Christmas is attacking me! No holidays like me! Not even the one which is supposed to be about being bloody nice!
Stupid arsing tinsel! [Long pause and a shuffling sound]
I also have a bit of plastic holly stuck in my hair and it keeps bobbing in and out of my vision. THIS IS UNFAIR. DAMN YOU, FATHER CHRISTMAS YOU UTTER SO-JOLLY-HE'S-PROBABLY-ON-CRACK WANKER.
Otto, this is totally you and your moustache and that aforementioned bearded idiot plotting against me. DON'T DENY IT.
[Descends into shuffling and tinsel rustling.]
I CAN'T EVEN LIGHT A CIGARETTE.