A Potions Master's Ponderings

I do not even wish to know how much time has passed since I last wrote in this. I have no excuse, except the simple fact that life has been difficult enough without attempting to re-create it on parchment. That being said, I am going to resume writing in this journal, as there are simply certain thoughts and emotions which, while I cannot go into depth, would be best served by being written out and examined a bit more closely.

I have very little to say at this juncture. Something is coming, I can feel it. Lucius did not begin holding negotiations with the werewolf community to sit by and do nothing for any extended period of time. No, he will strike hard, fast, and soon. Of this I am certain.

I feel myself a bit concerned for Selena's well being, if only because her death would upset Remus. I am well aware that she is a grown woman, more than capable of keeping herself safe. But Lucius is not a man to be taken lightly. If she displeases him in some way...

Suffice it to say, she would not survive long unless she is suddenly capable of dodging Unforgivables.

On a far lighter note, I do believe that I have managed to find a ward that the cat cannot bypass.

And the fact that I actually wrote such a statement down is prime example of the bizarre state of my life, lately.

At any rate, we shall see if the ward proves effective or not. The last one took Aurors two weeks to lower. It took the feline that has invaded my home less than two days.

Yet Remus claims she is innocent or some such rubbish.

I also am going to make an attempt to owl Hannah in the next few days and see if she wishes to meet, perhaps for lunch. Now that the initial awkwardness is past us, I do find myself hopeful she may accept, rather than send me a howler as a reply.

As with everything else at this point in my life, I shall see.

I have finally taken a moment to prepare for what I now to believe to be the inevitable; my death.

I have drawn up my Last Will and Testament and, in an attempt to make certain that my wishes are realized, I have given the copy to my chosen Executor, as well as made a copy for use here. That way, should anything happen to Re my Executor, this copy will hopefully be located.

For now, I will simply place the copy in this journal and continue my entry at a later time. I am exhausted, both mentally and physically, and still have large amounts of research to complete before I will feel comfortable attempting to rest.

Where to begin.

This past week has, by far, been one of the worst I have experienced in quite some time. So much so that I have found it nearly impossible to have a few moments to myself to simply reflect, much less attempt to write down any of my thoughts. Finally, though, I have managed to regain enough control over my own life that I will now attempt to put into words what I can barely begin to contemplate.

The Order has been reactivated.

Lucius Malfoy, along with every other Death Eater at Azkaban, escaped on the first of January. No doubt my former associate believed it to be a fitting beginning to a new year, or some other such nonsense. Whatever the case may be, they are now free and assumed to be planning yet another attempt at gaining control over the wizarding world.

Which means that war is inevitable.

Of course, we cannot possibly hope to rely on the Ministry to protect us. As it stands, it took them an entire week to even announce to the public that the escape had occurred.

Needless to say I cannot discuss anything in length here. Were this to somehow fall into the wrong hands, I cringe at the thought of the information that could be used against us. Especially since I am to be the new leader of the Order, thanks to the suggestion of Remus.

I am still quite shocked over that turn of events, as well as a few others that surround my former enemy. Namely, the fact that a few days ago his wolf claimed me as its mate.

While I am not certain what that means, precisely, I have every intention of finding out. Whether I speak directly to Remus or find the information through some other means remains to be seen. As it stands, I would be hard pressed to bring it up to him, considering he does not remember the mating.

I still cannot believe I erased his memory.

Or have yet to tell him.

I'm shocked at the lack of true guilt I feel at my actions. After all, he was quite upset and, given his tendency to lose control, I could not in good faith allow him to leave while under such duress. But that still gave me no right to tamper with his memory.

I must also attempt to work through what my emotions are concerning the entire situation. Right now I am far too overwhelmed with everything in general to begin to honestly take a look at my feelings. However, I will say one thing.

I do not regret it in the least.

Hard to believe that a few short months ago I could scarcely stand to be in the same room with Remus. We were both adults, and yet, as far as I was concerned, nothing had changed from our childhood.

I cannot say the same now.

There is something about him that calls to me. Perhaps it is the darkness in him, his wolf, that speaks to the darkness that I battle every day. Perhaps I am finally growing beyond the petty angers and resentments of our Hogwarts days and am noticing him for the man he actually is and not the boy he was. Or perhaps I am merely becoming sentimental the closer I am to death.

Whatever the case, things have changed and I fear what will come in the future. If he were to find out what I have done...

No, I will not think about that now.

In fact, I will not think of anything at all. I am going to take the remainder of this evening and attempt to catch up on my sleep.

He is going to live.

As difficult as it is to believe, Remus is actually going to live … thanks in no small part to a simply ingenious idea from Ms. Abbott.

Apparently the realization that the transformation was going to kill Remus, since his wolf could not survive with silver in its bloodstream, she came up with a way for him to transform and shut his body down at the same time.

It’s so simply I’m amazed I didn’t think of it myself. Of course, considering the fact that I’ve been consumed with finding the person responsible, I suppose it shouldn’t be too shocking that I hadn’t even humored the thought Remus might live. However, to use the Draught of Living Death was a thought worthy of a Potions Master. Or Mistress, as this case may be.

While I find myself exhausted making this entry, as I slept very little last night, I am also overjoyed. Which is quite startling, to say the least. When, exactly, did I cease wishing Remus Lupin harm? When did I stop seeing him as one of the infamous Marauders, and simply as a man? A decent and caring man.

Obviously my exhaustion is getting the better of me. Perhaps it is time I cease rambling in this journal and get some much-needed sleep. Research on the potion continues tomorrow and I should be properly rested.

Remus Lupin was poisoned today. By some unknown quantity of silver that somehow found its way into the Wolfsbane Potion I brewed for him.

I cannot believe this is happening. Never, in my entire time of brewing potions, has something such as this occurred. Never has someone managed to slip anything into one of my potions without my knowledge.

Yet now it has happened, and I fear Rem Lupin is going to pay with his life.

I thought of anyone I could know who would want the werewolf dead. Unfortunately, I have come up with no one who is not either dead or is Azkaban. Which means that there is a strong possibility that whoever did this was attempting to discredit me in some fashion.

Of course, Bill Weasley doesn’t believe that for one second. Honestly, what someone as intelligent as Remus Lupin could see in that redheaded moron, I will never know.

At any rate, the eldest of the Weasley brood truly believes I am the one who was attempting to kill his lover. I explained to him that, had I wanted the werewolf dead, he would be dead and not currently lying unconscious in St. Mungo’s. However, my explination fell on deaf ears.

I also stopped by Blaise Zabini’s upon leaving St. Mungo’s. For reasons that I do not quite comprehend, the young man is friends with Remus …

Very well. Since my quill seems determined to write Remus instead of Lupin, I will simply do that.

Needless to say, Blaise took the news as admirably as I had expected. He was obvioiusly concerned, but that is understandable. He also wondered who had done this; an answer which I intend to give him just as soon as I discover it for myself.

And I have every intention of making the guilty party pay … and in ten-fold if Remus dies.

Well, Christmas has come and gone and, as difficult as it is for me to believe, I actually rather enjoyed myself. Or, at the very least, I didn’t feel any urges to hex the Abbott children into oblivion. On the contrary, I find myself quite impressed with their behavior, given the trauma they have recently endured.

The youngest, Harmony, is especially quite remarkable. It isn’t often that a child captures my attention, however she managed to do so with minimal effort. She is exceptionally bright, a fact which I learned when she decided to ‘assist’ me in reading Most Potente Potions after she became bored with the simplistic picture books her sister provided her with. Of course, that decision was quite all right, given I had to chose between it or continuing to play that ridiculous children’s game she insisted on beginning.

How I allowed myself to be talked into such a thing, I will never know.

Her brother, Jeremy, is so very much like a younger Draco that it is almost frightening. Not only does he look similar, but there is constantly a gleam of mischief shining in his eyes, just as my once prized pupil always had. If he is not sorted into Slytherin upon his acceptance to Hogwarts, I will be greatly surprised.

Of course, I will hardly tell Ms. Abbott that.

I also spoke with him shortly following their arrival at the Manor, explaining to him that the sort of behavior he’d been exhibiting lately was not acceptable in my home and, if he chose to act that way, I was going to show him precisely why I continue to carry the title of ‘most feared Professor’ even after leaving that profession. Needless to say, he was on his best behavior the rest of the time. A fact that I am rather grateful for, as I’m not certain I would have had the energy to carry out my threats.

Yes, all in all it was quite a good holiday, as I had assured Ms. Abbott it would be. It was also rather chaotic, but in a good way. Dimpy was quite excited to have people in the Manor again, and I do not believe I have ever seen my assistant so happy.

It is almost enough to make me consider having them visit more often.

Of course, that is probably the pain from my wretched body speaking. It seems to be controlling most of my decisions lately. And I fear that it is only going to become worse, now that the pain medicines are all but becoming obsolete.

However, I am not going to think about that, now. No, I am merely going to re-double my efforts to find a cure. After all, if one is not found in time, at least I will have rather complete notes for someone else to follow.

Speaking of which, I should also see that my final wishes are in order. Which means that I must contact Draco. Since he is my godson, and I have no children of my own, it is only proper I leave most of everything to him.

All of that can wait for another time, however. I am still recovering from the excitement of yesterday and should rest before sending Ms. Abbott to Lupin’s with a dose of the Wolfsbane.

He called me Snape.

It has been years since he called me by my surname. Since we both graduated Hogwarts, in fact. During the short stint when he returned to teach, he called me Severus. While working together in the Order, he called me Severus. It's almost always been Severus.

Until this afternoon, that is.

I do not want to think about why this bothers me so. Logically, I know I should feel relieved. Finally he's stopped trying to be so personal, ceased his futile efforts of becoming my friend. I should be relieved.

But I am clearly not.

I am, however, quite...hurt. Not only by how he referred to me, but also by the fear I saw flashing in his eyes. It seemed as if he truly expected me to pull out my wand and use the killing curse there in the middle of Diagon Alley. And the pain that seemed to flash across his face as I said his name...

Well, what did he honestly except? He used the exact same tone of voice when saying my name. And yes, I realize that I'm beginning to sound like a first year. However, I find that I simply do not care. He has no right to be hurt. I was the one who was...

Why, I even recipricated...

Never mind. It really does not matter. After all, he is clearly with someone. Bill, in fact. I'm not certain what Bill he is referring to. Although, knowing how much fate tends to spite me, it is most likely the eldest Weasley.

And that would mean Remus' Lupin's entire display the other evening was nothing more than a lapse in judgment.

Or, worse yet, a joke.

Which means that I should be furious, ready to exact my revenge and rid the planet of that abomination forever. However, I find that all I can manage is a feeling of being used, the center of yet another Gryffindor prank.

Only this time, he has no friends remaining for the blame to fall upon.

I cannot believe it happened.

Even now, hours after the incident, and a half of bottle firewhiskey later, I am still in shock.

I know I should be angry, furious even. I should be plotting my revenge, thinking of ways to make him suffer or possibly constructing a plan that would forever rid the world of him. However, I find that I cannot.

Because, you see, I rather enjoyed it.

Granted, it was most unexpected. And I will be extremely shocked if I ever hear from Remus J. Lupin again. But, that doesn't change the fact that during that moment, for the first time in a very long time, I was ... at peace.

Yes, I suppose that's the best way to describe it. Peace. Possibly contentment? Or, are the two words so synonymous that it matters not which is used? In all honesty, I've never experienced enough of either to know much difference.

At any rate, I do know that I was no longer in pain. My body ceased to ache and yes, even my very soul seemed healed.

And how very pathetic I am beginning to sound.

Obviously I have not had nearly enough to drink, yet. I believe I will continue along that route. Perhaps everything will have returned to some semblance of normal by morning.

I went to see Remus Lupin yesterday. Why, I'm not entirely certain. Oh, I gave myself quite a few various reasons at the time. Not wanting an owl to be intercepted being the main one. However, even I find it difficult to believe that reasoning.

Ah, well, it really matters little now. The deed is done. And, I cannot say I regret going, either. In fact, it felt almost good to speak with someone who isn't trying to cheer me up like Ms. Abbott, or destroy my career, such as the Ministry is attempting to do.

However, I'm also concerned. It appears that Rem Lupin's inner wolf has decided to make itself more known, even when it should be dormant. If that were to happen, I can only imagine the chaos that would ensue. For, while the werewolf is undoubtedly a deadly adversary, so is the man who is cursed with the illness. For him to lose control...

I simply cannot think about it right now.

On a different note, the pain has been lessened somewhat by Ms. Abbott's Muggle medicines. Although I do not expect it to last. As my body is decaying due to a magically induced trauma, it will no doubt take it a short amount of time to develop an immunity to non-magical means of treating it.

I only hope Ms. Abbott and I can discover a cure before too much damage is done.

I am also concerned about my assistant. Since my funding was over two months ago, I've been paying her from my own vault. She does not know this, of course. However, she is aware that she isn't receiving overtime any longer. And I worry that the lack of funds will cause undue troubles in her life.

And I am not going to spend one moment thinking about why I care about such things.

I suppose I could begin paying her overtime. However, then I will have to explain why the Ministry decided to change one of their ridiculous rules, and that is not something I am equipped to do at the moment.

For now, I refuse to worry about it. If Ms. Abbott is in need of something, she will no doubt come to me herself.

Hannah Abbott came to the Manor in search of me this morning. Of course, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. After all, I went from virtually breathing down her neck to all but disappearing in just a few days. And, if I am truly honest with myself, I would be forced to admit that I'm shocked it took her so long to see through my obvious lie about meeting after meeting. Although, she could have known for some time now and was merely waiting for me to be honest.

Either way, it really matters very little. The fact is she now knows that I've spent the better part of the past month confined to my bed, scarcely able to get out due to the pain and shaking of my limbs. And, unless she doesn't allow herself to dwell too much on the issue, she will eventually reach the same inevitable conclusion that myself and dozens of mediwizards and witches have already reached.

If a cure isn't found soon, I will die from the side effects of the Cruciatus.

Unless, of course, a cure is found. Which is highly unlikely with the Ministry suddenly becoming involved.

Ah, well, I suppose it won't do to dwell on it. No, instead I'll focus my attention on side-stepping as many of the roadblocks placed in my path and finding a cure that will help not only myself, but anyone else who is suffering from this blasted curse.

I also must speak with Remus Lupin. According to Ms. Abbott, he attempted to see me a while back in regards to the Wolfsbane potion. I can only hope I can avoid him until the worst of the pain I am suffering has passed. For, while I can accept my assistant knowing of the details of my health, I cannot and will not abide for him to learn of it.

Not that he would say anything if he did, of course. No, while I may not give a damn for Remus Lupin, the one thing I can admit is he is more than capable of keeping information to himself. He does, after all, live almost as private of a life as I do.

And, with that, I believe I will retire for the evening. It's late, and this Muggle medicine that Ms. Abbott gave me is beginning to wear thin. I should attempt to sleep before the pain become too much once more.

I'm going to need all I can get, considering tomorrow I'm returning to the office.