12 January, 1999
Where to begin.
This past week has, by far, been one of the worst I have experienced in quite some time. So much so that I have found it nearly impossible to have a few moments to myself to simply reflect, much less attempt to write down any of my thoughts. Finally, though, I have managed to regain enough control over my own life that I will now attempt to put into words what I can barely begin to contemplate.
The Order has been reactivated.
Lucius Malfoy, along with every other Death Eater at Azkaban, escaped on the first of January. No doubt my former associate believed it to be a fitting beginning to a new year, or some other such nonsense. Whatever the case may be, they are now free and assumed to be planning yet another attempt at gaining control over the wizarding world.
Which means that war is inevitable.
Of course, we cannot possibly hope to rely on the Ministry to protect us. As it stands, it took them an entire week to even announce to the public that the escape had occurred.
Needless to say I cannot discuss anything in length here. Were this to somehow fall into the wrong hands, I cringe at the thought of the information that could be used against us. Especially since I am to be the new leader of the Order, thanks to the suggestion of Remus.
I am still quite shocked over that turn of events, as well as a few others that surround my former enemy. Namely, the fact that a few days ago his wolf claimed me as its mate.
While I am not certain what that means, precisely, I have every intention of finding out. Whether I speak directly to Remus or find the information through some other means remains to be seen. As it stands, I would be hard pressed to bring it up to him, considering he does not remember the mating.
I still cannot believe I erased his memory.
Or have yet to tell him.
I'm shocked at the lack of true guilt I feel at my actions. After all, he was quite upset and, given his tendency to lose control, I could not in good faith allow him to leave while under such duress. But that still gave me no right to tamper with his memory.
I must also attempt to work through what my emotions are concerning the entire situation. Right now I am far too overwhelmed with everything in general to begin to honestly take a look at my feelings. However, I will say one thing.
I do not regret it in the least.
Hard to believe that a few short months ago I could scarcely stand to be in the same room with Remus. We were both adults, and yet, as far as I was concerned, nothing had changed from our childhood.
I cannot say the same now.
There is something about him that calls to me. Perhaps it is the darkness in him, his wolf, that speaks to the darkness that I battle every day. Perhaps I am finally growing beyond the petty angers and resentments of our Hogwarts days and am noticing him for the man he actually is and not the boy he was. Or perhaps I am merely becoming sentimental the closer I am to death.
Whatever the case, things have changed and I fear what will come in the future. If he were to find out what I have done...
No, I will not think about that now.
In fact, I will not think of anything at all. I am going to take the remainder of this evening and attempt to catch up on my sleep.
This past week has, by far, been one of the worst I have experienced in quite some time. So much so that I have found it nearly impossible to have a few moments to myself to simply reflect, much less attempt to write down any of my thoughts. Finally, though, I have managed to regain enough control over my own life that I will now attempt to put into words what I can barely begin to contemplate.
The Order has been reactivated.
Lucius Malfoy, along with every other Death Eater at Azkaban, escaped on the first of January. No doubt my former associate believed it to be a fitting beginning to a new year, or some other such nonsense. Whatever the case may be, they are now free and assumed to be planning yet another attempt at gaining control over the wizarding world.
Which means that war is inevitable.
Of course, we cannot possibly hope to rely on the Ministry to protect us. As it stands, it took them an entire week to even announce to the public that the escape had occurred.
Needless to say I cannot discuss anything in length here. Were this to somehow fall into the wrong hands, I cringe at the thought of the information that could be used against us. Especially since I am to be the new leader of the Order, thanks to the suggestion of Remus.
I am still quite shocked over that turn of events, as well as a few others that surround my former enemy. Namely, the fact that a few days ago his wolf claimed me as its mate.
While I am not certain what that means, precisely, I have every intention of finding out. Whether I speak directly to Remus or find the information through some other means remains to be seen. As it stands, I would be hard pressed to bring it up to him, considering he does not remember the mating.
I still cannot believe I erased his memory.
Or have yet to tell him.
I'm shocked at the lack of true guilt I feel at my actions. After all, he was quite upset and, given his tendency to lose control, I could not in good faith allow him to leave while under such duress. But that still gave me no right to tamper with his memory.
I must also attempt to work through what my emotions are concerning the entire situation. Right now I am far too overwhelmed with everything in general to begin to honestly take a look at my feelings. However, I will say one thing.
I do not regret it in the least.
Hard to believe that a few short months ago I could scarcely stand to be in the same room with Remus. We were both adults, and yet, as far as I was concerned, nothing had changed from our childhood.
I cannot say the same now.
There is something about him that calls to me. Perhaps it is the darkness in him, his wolf, that speaks to the darkness that I battle every day. Perhaps I am finally growing beyond the petty angers and resentments of our Hogwarts days and am noticing him for the man he actually is and not the boy he was. Or perhaps I am merely becoming sentimental the closer I am to death.
Whatever the case, things have changed and I fear what will come in the future. If he were to find out what I have done...
No, I will not think about that now.
In fact, I will not think of anything at all. I am going to take the remainder of this evening and attempt to catch up on my sleep.