I'm Gonna Make A Mistake

Everyone please stop calling phone, and threatening my Mother. Also don't leave any mean or hateful comments towards her either, if you plan on leaving any comments, keep them directed towards me and me only.


Alright, well as I hear it, most everyone in one way or another has heard about how I packed up and moved out Thursday. The craziest thing about moving out, was loving the feeling I really didn't have a plan, they kept my car, they took my phone, I had barely any money, but still not being scared about anything bad coming my way. My mind was kind of at ease... The only thing that I didn't like, was not having my phone and the numbers in it, because it was my way of keeping in touch with everyone, so that was the only sad part of it all, but I knew I had to get over it, get a new phone, and move on, so I was trying.


I didn't plan to be gone forever, I just need time... space... to myself, to kind of get my head on straight for awhile, clear my mind I guess. All this letting me go out on my own happened, because once again, I was hanging out with Donnie, which everyone in the world knows my parents hate, and time and time again I get in trouble for, but I still decide to go back again and again.


Friday came, I did my call check in with Dad, and he told me he needed to talk with me, and he was coming to pick me up, so I was like alright... I already knew what this had to do with... Everyone in my family had now pretty much found out everything about me, by reading this journal, which we all know I write everything, perhaps too much, but in the end this is probably a good thing, because now that everything is out in the open about me... friends, drug use, eating disorders, everything I have ever written, now is out... the fact that it never was, at least to my parents is why I never cooperated with coucneling sessions, how could I possinly say anything when I thought the chance of doing these things would get back to my parents, so I just never talked, and if I did, it was nothing talk, where everything I said was just something stupid to pass time by. Now that everything is out there, I am at the point where I can finally get help for myself, cuz for the first time in my life I am ready to talk about things, well talk to people who I can get help from... I always said that it has to come down to the point where you can only get help for yourself if you want to, and that's where I am, so now it's time to get better, and it's time to stop being such a fuck up, and finally get on the right road... so only time can tell, and I think everything is going to be ok, and I can get better. At this point I don't expect anyone to trusty me and take my word on that, I can only say I mean in now, and since actions speak louder than words, that will prove in the end that I got the help I needed, and I can turn out... "normal."


Now besides me, onto my Mom... man, everything she's read in here, which I am not going to deny anything I have said or felt or wrote, because obviously at the time I meant it. Whether one wants to believe or not, I do love my Mom, I really do... I know at this point, she is still going to believe I hate her, hate her more than anything, but it's not the case at all... sure we have our rough times and fights, but a big part of it has to do with me... if I was stronger, and less sensitive, and less self hating, I could handle stupid comments that she says, when they really maybe were said and should have been brushed off just like that, but I magnified it a million times more. Problems I have with myself, and feel about myself, make me take things, and my head makes it worse that what it really was... my self loathing makes negative remarks into something that makes me feel like I should just die over, when I needed to grow up, realize it something that needs to just be forgotten, cuz in the end, maybe it wasn't that bad in the first place, ya know? I'm a baby, a wuss, and I need to grow up. Also the fact I had a ton of other stuff going on that they didn't know about, made me feel even less understood, and I had the attitude of, "you don't know me, you don't understand me, and never will" which in the end only makes me get worse and worse, and make mistake after mistake... I can't say I wont ever make a mistake again, cuz I will, christ I'm a human being and we all make mistakes... but now that I am willing to talk about things, and am on my way to getting help and talking about my problems with someone, I think it's going to help my relationships with family memebers better, and hopefully I learn to show more respect to people within my household (this includes my sisters house too). Momma, I really truly am sorry, I don't expect you to take my word, to trust me, or to believe me, but I hope one day I can make it up to you and show you by actions how much you really mean to me.


To my little bro Tony, man oh man, I don't think there is anything I can really say to say how bad I feel that I am slowly day by day destroying your life and freedoms, my mistakes cost you... I know they cost me, but I don't care about that, because when you fuck up you should be punished and get what you deserve, but you never deserved to have to get restrictions, and whatever else came with me fucking up over and over again... You were always the good kid, I'm sorry I couldn't be someone you could really look up to... if you get anything out of me, learn from me by not fucking up as much as I did, and not do dumbass things, and make stupid decisions like I have... I love you Tony, keep working hard and doing everything like you are and you're gonna go far... don't ever become the screw up I turned in to.


At this point, I don't really know what I want to do... I know I do for once, actually want to get help, and fix the mess of a self I am right now other than that, I am just looking forward to school starting so I have something positive to keep me occupied, I look forward to training with Bob again so I can play softball in the fall... as for the moving out plans... they are always changing, so for that, I guess all I really can say is we shall see...


My phone still does not belong to me, so don't call it because you wont be able to contact me, when I get it back I will contact people that it is once again my property lol, which hopefully one day it will be again.

Ok, another option reading for those who are sick of my shit: owed. You may have to scroll down a little to find it. It's about going back on the 70-80 calorie diet. Otherwise skip it and continue reading.


Sheila left me this not last night, but the night before when I snuck out, haha you crack me up...


Sheila: YOU'Z A HOE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Have a nice day love! :-D


So we go to the beer league game yesterday right, and after it was over I run into Danielle, and something funny I she told me, well you know, you can be wasted and think you knew everything, well shit, there's alot of things I don't remember I guess. First off, note to self, when with someones brother, do not go up to the older sister and say, "hey, we're gonna bang!" hahahaha, also, listen to this pick-up line, "hey, how old are you?"... "17."... "Great, you're my type!" Something like that... and the funny thing is, that night the thing that kept going through my head is that I wasn't gonna do anything with this kid in the first place, but some of the shit you can say and do that I hear is funny... Ok, that probably just made it sound like I ended up doing stuff, cuz I never did, so go me! Haha. But thanks Danielle for the nice little informative on me being an asshole hahahahaha. Besides who the hell wants to waste their time with someone their own age, pssshhh... haha, NOT ME!! LMAO!! I'm like sooo not into same age thing hahaha.


Ok, so I went to bed last night and still slept til 6 this afternoon, damn, waste of a day or what. I was supposed to go jog hunting with Donnie today, but it's moved to Thursday now. It's gonna be halirious if we can actually find a place where we both can work together, the rents will have no idea, haha.


This morning my Mom was at my sisters, as usual, and she calls here to tell me to let the dogs out or something, then she goes hey, I just watched this special on ecstasy, and she said something about how they said that it lowers your blood sugar and people who don't know they're diabetic will just sit there and eat tubs and tubs of ice cream. This is something I did for weeks while I was grounded, no joke I would literally sit there and eat a whole tub in one sitting, yuck. Also convenient that diabetes rubs in my family, so gaaah, let's hope I don't have that lol. Who knows if this whole thing is true or not, as far as I knew I thought it just lowered your Sodium levels, but whateve.



As for now, I must go clean my room, keep up laundry, and make my way towards doing Carmen... peace.

Yeah, I think I forgot to mention how my Mom and sister think I tried to kill myself because of my wrist "wound", which I already explain why I did it anyway, but by no means was it a suicide attempt of any kind... just a feeling angry needing comfort so I'm going to dig my wrist with my nails type thing... which may not make sense to most people, but yeah, it makes you feel, and it helps... but it's only the councelor/therapy days when I'm mad enough to feel the need to. Anyway, so my Mom everyday since she saw it, asks me to show her my wrists, which is annoying, cuz I'm fine, but today, after she asked me to show her, she said "and hey, whatever you did to your wrist, you better not do it again" I'm liek ummm ok, and think about it, even though that was a chosen spot to do, and it's most convenient to do in front of people without them knowing, like in my councelor's office, when her and my parents are sitting right there, and have absolutely no idea I do it the whole time anyway, so whateve, besides, there are plenty of places you could think of to do it if you needed to, so it's kind of like ok, let's lay off the wrists, though I don't know if it will give the same "comfort" factor... oh well, we shall see.


So yesterday was the absolute best day of my life I think lol. Went to Sheila's, alllll the way out in Utica and stayed the night. Party hard right. Haha, I got a six pack of those Smirnoff Twisted Raspberry things, then I had 3 of Lindsey's Smirnoff Ice, then after that it was beer til about 8 AM lol. Man, it was a goooood time, shit it was a FUCKING GOOD TIME!! I love gettign wasted, and it was great because I haven't been able to since New Years, and the fact you know they are not going to drive all the way to Utica to check on you, it's like ok, let's booze it up! CHEERS!! lol. So it was a mega good time. I don't really feel like writing a detailed thing, so I will leave it at how great it was!! Sheila your family is the absolute best!! I had a fucking blast, ohhh man!!


It's funny, I fuck up time and time again, over and over, and I just get off grounding and of course, why not do something stupid like get wasted haha, I crack myself up sometimes, I do dumb shit all the time, and it's like I just don't give a fuck, cuz well, I guess I really just don't give a fuck. Not only just with drinking, but other things like everytime I go out I am always with at least one person I am not aloud to be out with, ha, oh well... who fucking cares, like I say all the time, I'm Nikki Linares and I DO WHAT I WANT!


Alright, let's keep this entry short, I have to go shower, and be ready quarter to 6 for work. G'nite ya'll.

Let's just start off by saying, ungrounding absolutely rocks.


One of the reasons I absolutely love my best friend, Brandon Anthony Blanton!


Brandon: "her" means you (nikki linares, hottest girl alive, love of my life, sexy animal, sex queen)


I love you to death! ♥ ♥ ♥


I am going to be aloud to hang out with The Crew again. After banning me from Donnie and Raidl, which obviously played a HUGE part in my on and off depression these past years, I believe they are no banning me from The Crew cuz I'm sure they know I cannot handle being banned for more people I am closer than ever with. They are making us have this "meeting" over my house, where we all talk, and something along the lines of proving why we are such good friends, and why we need eachother. As much as I know how much I love The Crew, and how I need them, I am not ones with putting how I feel or what I mean into words, I end up with "it's like, uhh... I don't know... ya know... like ok... it's like... uhh I don't know" on and on, and I babble like an idiot, about everything, so I hope I can make sense of something and what they mean to me, cuz I really need them. To The Crew... I love you. ♥ I miss being with you guys every day. I don't know how this little break will have on The Crew, or if everything will be the same, and the fact don't do drugs anymore, we are going to have to see... hopefully everything will always be as wonderful as it always was... which should be just fine anyway, cuz we were really around eachother more off drugs than on, so YAY! lol.


Today couldn't have possibly been more fab. Ok so Donnie called twice, and I missed it, and I can't call him back in my own household so I was like omg how sad, because the past two days I've been out I called him, so then he calls me today and it's like ahhh I can't even call him back, sad sad, I know, but there is a happy ending lol. So Steph want to hang, so of course I say of course! On the way to call her I gave Bodacious Broome back a phone call. Plans change and we now have an added bonus to the hang out today. I pick up Steph first, then we go over and get Donnie, YAY! We drove around for a bit, saw some of The Crew (the crew that works for my Dad, not my beloved Crew), we got Timmy Ho's, drove, went to the mall - on the way here me and Donnie decided it is only necessary me and him try to find a job together lol, so we wernt on a search, but we didn't have enough time at all, so we are going to continue our search next week, took Donnie for a hair cut, then were rushing to get Donnie and Steph home before I had to get to work, and of course, we go to go the fast way and take 75, and of course, TRAFFIC JAM! lol, go figure, so by time I got him home and Steph, I was running late, plus the fact my shirt was still in the washer for work, oh man it was crazy, and I was even later to work then my normal late-ness.


For the first time in history, Notorious B.I.G.'s Hypnotize comes on, most of you don't know the story behind this, it's a 6th grade inside joke, back in the days when I hated Donnie with a passion, crazy how you can go from absolutely hating someone's guts, then going to the point you would die without them, if he ever died, I swear I would literally want to kill myself, it really would be that tough to handle. Oh yeah, so he used to sing that song to me all the time, only instead of "Biggie Biggie Biggie can't you see, sometimes your words just hypnotize me..." it was "Nikki Nikki Nikki can't you see, sometimes your words just hypnotize me..." hahaha, crazy fucker, I LOVE YOU!!! ♥ ♥ ♥ Anyway, back to the song, so it came on in the car, and it was sooo exciting because as funny as this song is to us, and how funny the meaning behind all of it, and here it is, on the radio in my car, like whoa... we were totally stoked, lmao.


You know, for the record, if it wasn't for my Mom, Me, Donnie, and Bean, wouldn't be so damn fucked up, mainly by being fucked up, it's mostly an emotional deal with us, which I write about myself and my Mom alot in here, but as for their business with the beef between them and my Mom, I will let it rest at what I know, and leave it at something that is left for you to find out, which most of you wont know most the shit I know, no spreading it all over the internet lol... so yeah, let's just leave it at that... and how exciting it is that soon, only months away to us all living together and becoming sane.


While Donnie was getting his hair buzzed, we see a familiar face, JOE POWERS, haha, exciting right lol, so anyway, since that time on the phone he said we should hang out, I was like sweet for sure, buuut I totally go busted and got grounded, now I'm not, and we run into Joe, so to make it convenient I got his number from him, and I said I'd call him sometime, haha Joe's a cool dude fa sho!


At the mall we ran into Zack, ha, how fucking crazy... "Dirty Surfer" like no way. We exchanged 2-ways and mobile numbers, so woop woop haha.


So today was fun as fuck! Weeeeeeee!


Lastly, I am cleaning my room like whoa, I have about 5/6 bags of clothes, a bag of shoes, and a shit load of more shit coming, we are supposed to be getting shit ready for this garage sale we are goingto be having, but the whole time while cleaning what I have in mind is, ok, we need to eliminate as much stuff as possible so when I need to get ready for the move (with Donnie and Bean) I am already a step ahead of myself and it's that much easier to do. I am no where near being done, when I get time I work on it, so I will do that until it's complete. Only months left til freedom... oh man I can't wait!!! Bean and Donnie... I love you guys!! ♥ Can't wait til we can finally be togther like we all want and need to be.

Grand evening out with Ryan and Stephanie. I believe Texas Roadhouse is the devil! Them and there devilish foods, haha, fucking tempting! Damnit! Oh well, overall it wasn't too bad, me and Ryan split everything that was we wouldn't over-eat so I am going to try not to worry about it lol. You know, just for the record, when you already feel erotic and you're in the mood to just bang the shit out of someone, then you hang out with Steph, you end up feeling a million more times the freak-a-leak you did before you left the house haha, me and her really need to stop discussing the cock. Haha, Steph I love you gal!


I could bump to #3 on the You Got Served soundtrack for the rest of my life, it's called Take It To The Floor by B2K! Kinky man, waaay kinky! Well not really, but it's one of those songs that makes me want to bang bang bang!! Haha!! Ohhhhh yeah!! ;) Ok, I need to like de-horndog myself immediately!


Also, Em W. just send this to me on an IM and I thought it was nice.


Emily: i meant to comment this in your journal, but I keep forgetting. anyways, this is what i meant to say-
nikki, your are gorgeous. and i think that you shouldnt be so hard on yourself, thinking that you have a weight problem, when you dont. and as for being grounded, i know how that goes, and just keep your head up, think about the days when you will be out of that house, and remember that it cant rain all the time. <3


Thanks again gal! ♥


Ryan, I can't wait til Saturday with you!! YAAAAAAAY!! I love you!!! ♥ ♥ ♥


Oh yeah, and my Mom bought me 3 pairs of super cute pants today! Yay! The ones I am wearing now, they were 70 bucks, and I went upstairs and tried em on, and I come downstairs with these other pants and am like, uhh, Mom, can I make 'em as short as these... so she let me snipperoo the bottoms off to how I wanted them!! Fabulous, absolutely fabulous... umm, anyway, my point being... I love them! :-D

Got a half an hour of sleep at the most today before having to get up at 6 for work... yuck, and it was a long ass day, you know how the more tired you are the longer everything seems, well that was today, and it was all cleaning and moving furniture and stuff, so poop. I stole a pair of my brother panrs again today haha, I did a Britney inspired outfit, with the dude jeans, and boxers and everything haha.


The councelor was fucking terrible, I feel like the whole time I am going to punch through a window... could have been worse, it could have been an alone session, so whateve. The whole time again I did the digging my wrist thing, it's wierd, cuz it hurrts but at the same time it's comforting. I can't explain it. I always leave that place wanting to kill myself, but on the plus side of things, I only have to go once a month now, so that's like 3 more times before I move the fuck out, yaaaaaaay! That from once a week, not too shabby hehe.


Chose to read or not to read about my binging and purging here: owed... You may have to scroll down and find it.


Does anyone watch The Assistant? Haha, omg, Andy Dick fucking cracks me up! "it's elimination time bitches!" Man, oh man! I loove it!


Ok, I just took this, and I absolutely love this girl!!! Funny, me and her were just talking about how I need to go there (NY) so me and get can straight up party hardcore! lol.

My Best Friend is acidburn987

Our 10 common interests are: alcohol, coke, concerts, dancing, drinking, drugs, movies, music, stars, writing

Who is your best friend?

Created by macoto

( List with all the people on my friends list of how many interest I matched with each, interesting lolCollapse )

Today was the Lady Jags reunion at The Faletti's, yaaaaaay! Haha. We got our stats, Mega White Champs patch, and us graduates got a gift bag from the team, how cute! Gotta love my gals! ♥ Ha, and how funny, I just asked how Jimmy was doing a few days ago, and BAM, he was there, woop woop, haha, he cracks me up, it's funny to throw random unexpected lines at him, it makes me laugh, good times.


After that me and Steph drove around and for the most part did nothing, but it's fun as usual lol. One stop involved getting the You Got Served soundtrack, which is good, however, I am dissappointed that the like main song of the whole movie isn't on there, the one that is like "pump, pump, pump it up!" shit and the other one that is like "you don't know now, but you gonna find out!"... damnit, what the fuck, haha, oh well, I am still enjoying the CD anyway. It's always most fun with Steph in the car jammin', you my girl for life, weeeeeeee! Haha.


The rents gave me til 9 to stay out today, hooray, so the ungrounding process has started, when I got home Mom said how she is letting me start by being out during the day, which is totally cool with me! A start is better than nothing.


I got Saturday off, which Charlie didn't sound too happy about, buuut oh well cuz I had to get it off. Work should be alright this week. Thursday Red Fawn @ 1, Friday early morning (6-7-ish) til probably like 4-5 somewhere, then Red Fawn afterwards at like 6 or something, I forget what he said, but it was either 6 or 6:30. Then Saturday is to Sheila's in Utica til Sunday, then Red Fawn work at like 5 or 5:30, I can't remember either, damn, I am just such a good listener when it comes to my hours, geez... oh well.


I give you the option of clicking this so you can either read it or not, since most people are sick of the whole "eating disorder" or "Ana/Mia" thing with me, so if you want to read about it the go to owed

Anyone find it strange that I am wearing leg warmers right now? Haha, cuz I am, no joke. Love them 80's! :-D


Haha this made me laugh. Just gotta love that Sara McGuire! ♥


PapeR MickeY: iiii get to see you tomorrow ms linares :).


So I am super stoked about the end of the year softball party! Yaaaaaaaaay! Can't wait to see everyone! Yaaaaaaaaaay!


I don't work til Wednesday.


As for this prison, I think they are letting me off grounding soon! I can't freaking wait. Mom said she hates seeing me sitting in the house all the time, and how it's summer yadda yadda. I accept I made a mistake, but damn I can't wait to be ungrounded haha.


I'm on the phone right now, but after that I will probably go downstairs, write some songs, or parts of them anyway, since I am yet to create a single song lol.


Man, I hate that my entries are boring as shit, like mega boring, they are short and boring, haha, I need to get out and get a life, for real! Til then...

Starting Monday... "it's called self control."


I got to hang with Brandon for the extra half an hour I had to myself today before I had to be home. YAAAAAAAY!


Biggest thing, parents are actually letting me stay the night at Sheila's, all the way out in Utica on Saturday... only obstacle... getting Saturday off from work... I must have it off!


I have tomorrow off work, sweet.


Looking forward to Tuesday.


Later.

Man, I just did a looong ass private entry, so confused about certain things, and it only makes sense it is not something to be publicized, for more reasons than I could even begin to explain.


Today I used an eating free bee day. That means gym tomorrow, well I gues since it's 4 AM that means today, so today I am going to the gym, for 2 hours minimum, 3 hours is the necessary amount of time though.


Shit, that entry made me wore out, and I forget everything I meant to say here.


I am so fucking tired anyway, I've almost hit the being up for 24 hours mark.


I guess mainly I look forward to Emily's party, which I believe they are letting me go to, then the end of the year softball party which they are for sure letting me go, then they are going to talk about Sheila's party, which I so hope I can attend as well... other than that, my life don't consist of looking forward to much.


Time for bed, I can't stay up any longer, I really can't, I passed out just a bit ago and my bro woke me up to get off his bed and told me I can use the computer, so here I am about to keel over, and barely able to type straight... so g'nite.