How to create financial harmony with your partner

Money can be a sensitive and sometimes uncomfortable topic of conversation for couples.

Because, there’s often a lot of underlying emotions about money that we don’t express, so when we do talk about it, feelings can bubble to the surface. This makes talking about your money and making plans together, around spending, saving and investing really important. 

If you don’t talk honestly and in a supportive way about money, it can infect other areas of your relationship. The statistics show that finances are the second highest cause for relationship breakdowns, followed by infidelity. 

 A big part of intimacy in a relationship is financial intimacy.

Financial intimacy is where you feel safe, secure and supported, financially in your relationship.

The key to developing financial intimacy is to communicate about money issues, honestly, openly and compassionately with your partner and as a result build a closer more connected relationship.

Scheduling a regular Money Date Night with your partner can create an opportunity for these important conversations to take place.

What is a Money Date Night?

A money date is a regularly scheduled conversation between you and your partner where you discuss your finances.

Tips for a great Money Date:

1.    Set good intentions for what you want to achieve on your money date. By having conversations about money, what is the outcome you each want to get out of it? 

Create a small agenda, or discussion points together. 

Think carefully about what would be an enjoyable and comfortable environment or space to have your date. Is it at the dining table, backyard or nature, at a quiet café? Make it somewhere you’ll feel both comfortable and productive.

2.   Get to know each other financially

Be curious, find out about each other’s dreams and fears when it comes to money.

Here’s a few questions to get you started:

·      What’s your earliest memory around money?

·      What was it like financially, growing up in your family ? and how has that impacted the way you feel about money today?

·      What 3 things did your parents teach you about money (healthy or unhealthy)?

·      What are your money goals and fears?

3.    Take stock of where you are today – what do we earn, spend, own and owe. If you haven’t done a budget or know exactly what your spending is and your current asset and debt list, this should be a the topic for your first Money Date.

You may also want to keep a special financial date night journal or folder. Record your ideas, decisions, timeline, and any new goals or tasks that are discussed or set.

4.    Talk about where you want to be – what are your 12 mth, 3-5 yr and 5+ year life and financial goals. Do a ‘Values’ exercise and find out what about each goal is important for each other as well as for the relationship.

In order to achieve your goals, brainstorm some action steps to get there (is it tightening the budget or reviewing household expenses, positioning for a pay-rise, learning how to invest), then come up with how you can both integrate better financial habits into your life and be accountable to each other (in a supportive way).

5.    Using the right language and listening skills are the two most important things when having a tough conversation. You want your point of view to get across, but it's also about listening to what your partner has to say – most couples don’t always agree on how money should be made, managed or spent be curious and respectful of each others points of view. 

Come from a place of curiosity rather than judgement.

7.    Be encouraging. If you are good with money and your partner isn’t as confident, share your knowledge and habits with your partner, or at least make them aware as to how your money is managed day-to-day.

8.    Set roles & responsibilities - Personal money management can be a big job, so it’s only fair that tasks get divided up, rather than falling solely on one person. It’s important for each person to play an active role in their financial relationship. So, how can you start to even up the money-to-do’s? (some hints are below)

9.    Set a money ‘theme’ for each date – finances can be overwhelming so you don’t need to chop the whole tree down at once, just do some trimming and pruning.  Write a list of financial tasks you want to get through over the next 6-12 months and schedule them in fortnightly or monthly.

A Money date is about more than just talking about your finances. It's also a time to connect with your spouse. 

Sit close to each other, hold hands when you talk with each other, look into each other’s eyes – you’re a team wanting to work together to achieve your family goals and dreams.

 As a money coach, I often observe that there tends to be one person who takes the lead on all these roles, with the other either left in the dark, feeling like they’re being parented, or lives blissfully in denial and avoidance. A vital role of adulting, is taking responsibility for your finances so encourage each other to work as a team. 

# Examples of Money Tasks to allocate between you

·       Storing and filing documentation

·       Overseeing cashflow – income and expenses

·       Paying bills

·       Reviewing and managing debt reduction, looking for best rates, finding surplus income to allocate to reducing which debts

·       Reviewing financial contracts (think insurance policies, mobile phone plans, streaming subscriptions, utilities companies, banking arrangements)

·       Tracking financial results – calculating your Net Worth number quarterly

·       Implementing financial strategies: learning new concepts or engaging a professional to help

·       Tracking progress of the achievement of financial goals.

And, if you're currently solo - why not try a Money Date with yourself, or a friend. All these concepts are just as important for yourself.

If you'd like to learn more about Couples Money Coaching - reach out to me at karen@womentalkingfinance.com.au