Time keeps on slippin slippin slippin into the future....

My daughter, Naomi brought up my online journal last night.  She knew I kept one through her childhood.  She asked me if she could read it!

At first, I felt huge resistance to the idea....I mean, these are my thoughts, shared on a semi-public forum.  My brain dump, a place to voice frustration and work through the chaff of life.  Also many beautiful snippets of memories....  That, and she is a young mom, at home with her kids and going through The Daily....which can be wonderful or depressing, depending on the day.  So, I've been looking back...25 years here!  I used to write so much more.  But this is a part of my journey, and she wants to get a glimpse of the road I have traveled.  I'm honestly touched.

I bit nervous too...I can't possibly go through 25 years of journaling to edit out the real personal or painful ones....also knowing this place only shows particular facets of my life.  I didn't always talk about my faith here because it was a public journal space and I enjoyed following people who thought differently than I did.  I wouldn't want her to come to the conclusion that the two were not merged.

We all grow and change....these were written during a season.

To everything, turn, turn, turn.

Ok, my daughter, turn the pages with my blessing.  Just go easy on me, cause I'm still here....becoming.

Love you, Mom

Aah...time keeps on slippin into the future!  

So, an update!  I am on the 10 day count down on my 3rd year of teaching 5th grade.  I love working here.  It's been a major blessing in my life, giving me a healthy routine to most of my year as well as pouring into the lives of children. I am committed to 5 years if they'll have me.  After that, a year at a time.  Part of me misses having my own schedule and time, but honestly, summer runs long and is a good reminder that I do better with goals and a schedule.  Depression tends to seep in when I'm alone too much.

James and I are doing better.  I still struggle with certain things in our relationship, but honestly, I've made some peace with it.  Admittedly, we need to figure out things we both enjoy doing together.  Sometimes the idea of "retirement" feels daunting.  

Sarah is blooming into a really wonderful human.  She is a Sophomore in H.S. and is involved in A Choir and Theatre.  She volunteers in kid's ministry at church and has plans to be a Councilor in Training at a local youth camp for the summer.  I will dearly miss her....I'm not gonna lie, last summer was hard!  A necessary taste of the future when she flies into her own life path!  

We’ll be married 33 years this August.  

Kinda makes me bummed when I see the direction things are heading.  

Roommates.

It’s been like this for a fat minute. (Years.) It’s rare that he’s interested in sex.  I thought it was the weight…no…I think it’s not my weight now…it’s his.  He has ED and refuses to get help for it.  I remember feeling so rejected years ago…we had such a close relationship and that was part of it.  Now…he falls asleep in front of the tv and I just head up alone.  It used to bother me.  Now I’m just bummed it doesn’t.

It’s a joke.  All those years where he was annoying in his need for it…and I was over touched by the kids where I just wanted a break so we scheduled it so at least I could get in the mood, mentally detach from mom duties and enjoy it.  Now…nothing.  

We’re going to need to figure a way back to relating to each other again.  Because I can only sit on the couch watching WW2 war docs for so long.  It’s been a standing joke of “Who won the war this time?”  I’m over it.  That and I know I’ve stepped away from the conservative line years ago and he just keeps on truckin.  I am, but not in the same way….and not totally liberal either.  More moderate.  I don’t feel I belong in either camp.  Anyways…I hate politics…and he loves it.  Loves debate and I want to crawl out of my skin to tolerate the conversation for 5 minutes.  I just can’t be assed.

I tried a paper journal, but the fact remains that I like the convenience  of typing as I think.  It’s just faster and I don’t feel so slowed down.  Perhaps slowing down is the point, but not when I just need a place to dump my thoughts.  I was going to open up another journal, as I thought I had lost access to this one again.  Alas!  I am connected to the hive mind once again!  I wonder if any of my ol peeps still are on here?  

I started this journal when I was in the thick of parenting my two oldest.  So much has changed!  Mary (27) has Desi (7),Xavier(3) and Isaiah(1).  Naomi has Phee (7) and Ryder (2).  Sarah is 14 and just graduated 8th grade.  Mom n Dad both passed on within 18 months of each other and it was a tumultuous time.  I’m still processing.  I guess that is some of why I came back….to process things.

Personally, I’m doing better in so many ways.  2020 I hit my highest weight for my small frame.  Inheriting a lil bit enabled me to finally get some much needed help.  I had bariatric surgery in April of 22 and have lost 110 lbs.  I am off all meds and no longer pre-diabetic.  Also, I became a 5th grade teacher!  Kind of amusing….not like people would have faulted me for taking a break, but really felt led to go in that direction and I have to admit, I love it.  Granted, I love my summer break too! Lol…

Sarah is 12.....12!!!

Time passes far too quickly....the lament of many mothers.  Even with aiming to be present and appreciating the now, cutting out excess and focusing on what I have....still....time passes so fast, and my little girl is in her last of the younger years.  She's a treasure.

A few days ago, I started listening to Brene Brown's "The Power of Vulnerability".  I'm a few sessions in and I'm still processing.  She's intelligent and relatable.  I'd like to say that I may explore what I'm learning here, but I might not.  Ha.

Something I do want to write about is what I escaped into during all the cray of the last almost 5 years. It was kind of an inadvertent thing...     Hmm...and I'm now wondering how personal do I want to get here.  I think these posts will be friends only....and if that means no one is reading it, I'm fine with that too.

About 5 years ago, my guy started having issues with ED.  I was careful in my speaking to him about it since it's a pretty sensitive subject.  He'd gained a considerable amount of weight, and also was having some significant issues with sleep apnea.  He refuses to get help for the apnea and has given me a few scares.  He did talk to his doc about the ED, was RX'd the blue pill and tried it.  He said it was pretty awful for him and made his heart race.  He tried half a pill....still a no go.  Since then....nothing.  

You never know how much ya miss something so intimate until it's gone.  

So, that is what Sarah wanted us to yell into the night sky as we banged our pots n pans and exclaimed a hearty "Fuck You 2020!"  Glad to put that year to bed.

Makin it to midnight....just the three of us.  Sarah is up in her room drawing and watching anime.  J and I watching Star Trek Discovery...well...I'm half watching, half catching up on some of you here!  ...and then I found this (thanks April) and thought I'd fill it out cause I'm spinny and need something to do in my head.

2. Last time you cried?
Within the last week, probably in the car...alone. Who knows what triggered it.

3. Do you like your handwriting?
It's ok, but I'm noticing it takes a wee bit of effort to keep it looking nice.  I so rarely write...I type a hell of a lot more.

4. What is your favorite lunch meat?

Salami

5. Longest relationship?
J and I have made it 30 years.  Wow.  That's a fucking long time.  I say fucking a bit more than I used to.  After the last many years...yeah.  Oh...but where was I....

6. Do you still have your tonsils?
I think so?  

7. Would you bungee jump?

Only if you paid me a million dollars.  I might even do it for 500K, but less?  I don't know.....

8. What is your favorite kind of cereal?
I rarely eat cereal.  For a treat, I do like Quaker Oat Squares.

9. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?

No.  Why?  Because my dad grounded me 2 weeks for not untying them before I took em off.  So, as an adult, I do whatever the hell I want!  Well....ha....come at me bro!

10. Do you think you’re strong-willed?
On most things.....but I know I have a horribly weak side.  Now....I'm just fucking tired from life.

Sarah is just shy of a week from turning 12.  She has been a consistent joy in my life even when she's been going through rough patches. It hasn't been the most ideal of living situations she has grown up in, but through it all, she's been loved and supported.  

I'm thinking back, trying to recall other things that have happened...sometimes I have to be reminded simply by looking at FB memory photos.  Two years ago, just a day or two before Christmas, we had a major leak in the upstairs bathroom.  Ended up having new flooring upstairs, ceiling downstairs.  The insurance wasn't paying enough to do the job, so we ended up saying we'd do some of the finish work.  James promised me....and I extended a wary belief that he would do as he said.  It's kind of a running joke about baseboards not getting put in since preSarah....that on my tombstone I'd have a message written "Don't worry about the baseboards now, babe"   In the meantime, we had to use some of mom's money as well as our own to help replace some siding, rebuild the porch pillars that were rotted, get a new roof, gutters, and paint the outside.  All hired out work...and I was relieved.

I looked back to read the last five posts and...wow.  Felt like I've been living life on the other side of a fire hose!  Here are the main bits...

Mary and Nay both had girls in April and June of 2016.  They're 4.5 now and a joy.

Mary had a boy in 2019 and Naomi had a boy just before Thanksgiving of 2020. 

It's been a lot of yo-yo times with them, but I'm learning to hold on loosely....for my own sanity!  Honestly though, Naomi and I are closer now than we ever have been.  I'm kinda blown away by this.  She messages me daily...it's sweet.  She lives with her boyfriend and the kids.

Mary and I have had our rough times.  She still lives with us and most of it has been difficult.  She's supposed to move out, but not sure if it will happen.  I'm just aiming to be at peace regardless.  I'm just tired.  

This last year we had all of them....and during the fire scare, we even had Ryan (Naomi's boyfriend) as they were evacuated...so that was like 10 people!  Grateful we had a house big enough, but yeah....there was nowhere to hide except my bedroom....and the office was a no man's land.  Now, Naomi, Ryan and their two are back at their place.  Erasmo, Mary's now ex-boyfriend, father to Xavier, lives with his mom and those two seem to work out childcare between them.  I have had to hold a hardline of 'I'm not your babysitter' as I'd been taken advantage of too many times and honestly, my own emotional and mental health is just frayed.