A few days ago, I started listening to Brene Brown's "The Power of Vulnerability".  I'm a few sessions in and I'm still processing.  She's intelligent and relatable.  I'd like to say that I may explore what I'm learning here, but I might not.  Ha.

Something I do want to write about is what I escaped into during all the cray of the last almost 5 years. It was kind of an inadvertent thing...     Hmm...and I'm now wondering how personal do I want to get here.  I think these posts will be friends only....and if that means no one is reading it, I'm fine with that too.

About 5 years ago, my guy started having issues with ED.  I was careful in my speaking to him about it since it's a pretty sensitive subject.  He'd gained a considerable amount of weight, and also was having some significant issues with sleep apnea.  He refuses to get help for the apnea and has given me a few scares.  He did talk to his doc about the ED, was RX'd the blue pill and tried it.  He said it was pretty awful for him and made his heart race.  He tried half a pill....still a no go.  Since then....nothing.  

You never know how much ya miss something so intimate until it's gone.  

Sure, we figured our ways to have O's....but honestly, I missed that particular bit of sex.  A lot.  I felt like a part of our relationship died....I mean I've cried over it....  Still, love him, he's my guy....and I was hugely struggling emotionally with this on top of everything else.  Of course the cherry on top is how I then felt about myself.   Fast forward a few years....

So, about 3 years ago, my adult niece shared with me her love of ASMR.  I came to enjoy it, would listen to ASMR Zeitgeist on YouTube and would fall asleep to all sorts of fun sounds.  One day, I found I particularly liked the sound of men whispering and decided to search up for an irish accent male voice.  I clicked on this one talking about self care ect, and it was almost like listening to someone in your head reminding you that you are beautiful just as you are ect....and I pretty much fell apart knowing how lonely I was feeling and down on myself.  What I didn't know until a few days later, was that this man was a voice actor who did...um...spicy dramas too!  I didn't know what else to call them, but I was so hooked!  HA!  Later Naomi informed me it was basically audio porn *dies laughing*  I didn't care....it was all up in my imagination, I'm not cheating with anyone, no one is being abused or maligned....and it seriously met the need for a decent amount of time.

This led me to following him on Twitter and soon introduced to so many amazing women who also enjoyed his stories.  From there, I began following some poets who were extremely delicious in their writing abilities and decided to dip my toe in and see if I could write!   I now have a blog filled with over 1,000 pieces of my own writings.  Hoping to self publish even if just for a copy for my own bookshelf.  

I did have to be careful on Twitter, as there were real people on the other side of these writings to engage with and I admit I had a few friendships that really entangled in my heart.  (wishing my life was different ect....)   It has only been recently that I decided it was time to back off that type of social media as the last year, in particular, was just heaping on more pain than enjoyment.  I've taken an extended break, that may turn into a complete cut off.  Not sure...but just a week in and I feel it is the right move.  I need to face and appreciate my life for the good that there is in it....and face the damage done and get some help.  I've been swimming through this storm on my own forever.  I know I need to seek out a therapist.  That's kinda where Brene Brown comes in.  Just easing myself into the idea of it.  Opening up to another human about it all just sounds exhausting.  So, for now, I'll listen to her audiobooks and maybe next week I'll see if I can get a referral from my doc for someone that does zoom calls. 

This is a far better platform for me to just write what's going on in my head without a filter.  So, for whoever is out there reading, I hope I don't have ya cringing too much!  Cheers!