I don't tend to get so emotionally involved in arguments, anymore
but tonight I did regress a bit into technical argument: defense of 'my' stance instead of merely stating my opinion, letting that be heard, and entertaining any contrary stance.
We as people instinctively emotionally identify with our present paradigm/s, thus feel compelled to defend them, without weighing if we actually should or not; it is rarely if ever necessary: very little of anything we come with can ever embraced as anything more than a theory. Truth is absolute; but perception is hopelessly relative.
Another note: there is sharp decline in my charisma, eloquence of speech, etc, when I invest any desire in outcome of a discussion. I do much better when I manifest in a reserved, 'tranquil' state and simply declare my view; and leave it at that: Letting, and genuinely listening to, others, present their views... completely disregarding whether their view is being embraced over mine, or what have you.
I should just share what I believe is of value.
It's none of my business who embraces it or not.
Stewardship rather than ambition: Such is the only sane agenda of humanity, being tainted with a propensity to error.
I've been a delusional hypocrite... I've been judging the church, due to my fancying my self as something of an OT prophet: saying all the stuff that is ugly but true* but OT prophets had their shit together
I don't have my shit together, on any level.
and even if I did... The time of judgment is passed. I'm called only to be a doer of the law, ergo thus transcend my own vision; present an alternative, to that which inspires rage in me.
I've been an oblivious fool... A large part of my inability to achieve any kind of momentum comes down to my innate propensity to both passive/aggression and pure aggression; or more simply: my subconsciously reacting to external circumstances.
I've dissipated my energies by expressing rage, sans a foundation and I've sabotaged my self by digging my heals in, in response to my mother's disappointed attitude and pestering. The emphasis here isn't my mother's choices: it's not her fault I've sabotaged my self; it's my fault for subconsciously reacting in such an infantile manner. I'd not noticed I was doing that, because I usually lash-out immediately when she meddles: you poke me, I bite; but I'm not purely mesomorph, I'm also ecto-mesomorphic. Ectomorphs are characterized by passive aggression: you push them, they tend to instinctively dig their heels in. I tend to do both: dig my heels in, and bite; but after you flee, and I've spent energy biting... my heels are still dug in.
*I strongly believe everything I've stated about the church is accurate; but people do according to their perceptions. Expressing rage about it isn't helpful.
I tune the first string, then I try to tune each next string, to the one before it, and then check my self with my tuner when I'm done
I'm getting almost perfect on my B, G, and D strings, but A and low E are alluding me quite a bit
but I've only been practicing this a couple of days now, once a day so...
need to be more disciplined, and focused in my practice...
I start out well, practicing slowly, and then I start getting a handle on something, and get jazzed and kick on the amp, and my little drum machine and go at it full speed but clumsy, for not having really ingrained it especially lead parts
need to consistently practice faster, but no rushing
Such is when mine mind is saturated, cerebral erotica: bliss of being overwhelmed
for skating over things... trust in the depth of intuitions glance to perpetually ponder, ergo exponentially perceive, more, and more... the old man sage in me ponders; the lithe child dances ever on and on.
don't loose it for closure: nuancial knowing for concrete theory
it's amazing what absolute honesty will do for your self control.
that said, yesterday wasn't near as productive, as the day before
a lot of serendipity happened though
i wrote a guy something that apparently is a great help to him that makes me feel good I've been off and on assertive with my insights and it hasn't always gone as well as I'd hoped
this time I didn't hope I just spoke from the heart, soemtimes hard, sometimes soft
I searched the library catalog for a book I was considering buying, found it, and then spontaneously remembered a book I'd forgotten existed, and found it as well, in the catalog
I then proceeded to said library accquiring said books I as I scanned over other books, some intrigued me; but instead of just grabbing them... I paid careful attention to how I felt about them, or if it felt like now was the time to take them
it wasn't
earlier in the day I did some finger exercises on piano and was about to practice scales when my eyes passed over a guitar dvd one I'd acquired from work, whilst stripping magazines i felt like i should watch it i proceeded to learn about blues
some other stuff...
all and all it was a successful day, just not as successful as yesterday...
first exercises* 12 out of 20 right :| but my wrong answers were all off by only a half-step; that seems pretty good to me.
so yay
*exercise (developing 'pitch memory") consists of listening to the note (played twice on the CD); then going over to the piano and trying to find the same note matching it to what you remember of the note you just heard, then writing it down on a piece of paper, adn then checking your self against the answer in the book
I'm reading and studying, all the different things; but not really hard-charging in any of them... just sort of going along
I'm going through one of my anatomy books, just in a more 'la-tee-da' pace... periodically I switch and go through some yoga or bang away on my drums (not racing to get faster, just staying around 80 tempo and concentrating on mixing things up with my rudiments and so forth; mastery first; speed will come of the confidence gained therein); actually I think that's pretty much characterizing my approach in general:
focus on mastery; proliferation will come in its own time.
