"Pain is weakness leaving the body."

It's been over a year since Jane's passing.
And in months, it'll be over a year for Grandma's passing.
Grandpa's health has been on the decline since her passing. (It's almost like he lost the reason for living. He just wants to join my Grandma; and I can't say I blame him - because I want to do the same. ) The family mood has changed quite a bit since my Aunt's arrival last November. Grandpa and Mom both seemed happier to be reunited with her; even Daddy felt livelier.

I just can't shake this pain and hallowed out emptiness in my chest.
I keep losing sight of my purpose in life, like I even had a grasp on it in the first place.... lol smh

I'm just getting less and less... and things just don't really matter to me anymore.

chest aches...

just pain... so much of it that i dont know what to do with myself...


i just can't...

can't... can't...

im sick of all this crying, it does nothing for me but flare my eczema

He doesn't know what I'm upset about.

Things I don't comprehend.

All I asked was for him to do what I asked first so I can finish my train of thoughts and somehow it becomes I don't ever listen to what he has to say. Yet, I'm constantly trying to get him to have more input... especially during this whole trip; like where He wants to go, or wants to do, so this trip isn't all about what I want.

Whenever I try to talk to him, or whatever it is...
He always seems to have a negative response, and a negative view of me somehow, some way.
I can't help but wonder why he's with me if he's so not fond of the person I am and constantly have negative views about me and how I am.

I am exactly who and how I say I am.
Nothing more. Nothing less.

If that's a problem then so be it.
I'm not here to bend over backwards to make anyone happy in this life. And I sure as hell never fit the mold anywhere, probably never will (which I've made peace with).

We were out all day and haven't slept, I'm exhausted, in pain, just started my period, beyond "discomfort" can describe anymore.

This is exhausting.
For a guy that doesn't talk most of the time.
Talking is exhausting.
No communication, at least not to be established with ease.

I have so many thoughts from the new information I just absorbed, that I'm trying to process and analyze properly, before all the uneasy, anxious feelings get me antsy and unsettled. ...(which I can feel its starting....besides the onset of paranoia)

The gap between years, that still contained the consistency of his desire to sow his oats......makes me question the person that's in front of me, and if this one is real or.simply a facade he presented to make a lie whole....
M4m in 2011...responding to a bunch of CL ads....god....eerrr...like a horn dog..
Makes me feel like i've been really careless.

I still feel the same way about what i discovered before.... that they didn't fully separate after the supposed break up date he told me; Making it sound like it was a long time again, when he was just fucking her in April of 2018.

But her alone, is a piece of work... she is a fucking head case, that's highly manipulative and she behaves like a spoil little brat, with her damsel in distress act all the time.
When she doesn't get her way, she attacks and throws a tantrum like a child, then recoils when she realize it isn't effective to a softer, but guilt baiting approach to try and get empathy &/sympathy....in short, to bait emotions and for the other person to respond. No very sophisticated, rather childish but highly manipulative. She insults, frustrates him to a point where she instigates a response out of him.


Carlton Banks...putting Gia/Gina in her place scene reminded me of Gary.

Closet hot head, pressure cooks his emotions a bit, and or hides it well.
Almost like he doesn't fully know what to do with it, has had no where to.express all of it.

Likes and enjoys the powerful masculine roll of being called "Daddy".
Buying us both a Swarovski pen...kind of bothered me when I saw that...
Seeing how he took it, the abuse, and being used all the time..... the price for being "Daddy".

But wanting to move in with her, and to marry her....god....

What does it mean to him to love someone?

One day when you do self reflect...

The part of you that wanted to be with me and cried in front of me cause he wanted a second chance..... will make you regret today.

知己知彼。。。

I dont know what i was thinking... Being so wreckless and irresponsible

To think of anything more would come to pasa with someone like that...

"I didnt really know what i want"

Reminded me of Matt.....

Ironically, had a long convo. With Matt today... And it felt weird
..esp. when he kissed me on the forehead...twice. The second time I knew why, but the first one caught me off guard.

I get the feeling that he misses me. Lol
Esp. Since he said he has self reflected.

....
.....

It was fun hanging out with Erick today, i forgot how much fun i had tickling him. And it was so much fun six years ago too, since we were watching a video of me tickling the air out of him. And i ate a little more than i thought i would, so i havent turned into a complete light weight just yet. :)

And working out with Roberto today was interesting, since I learned that he is ticklish too and he is stiff as a board. I mean this guy has zero flexability, to a ridiculous degree.(It was amusing) And he cant seem to do crunches correctly, not without straining his neck.

Im done dealing with people that dont know what they want, and or is too lazy to do the work for what is needed to achieve their aspirations.

This is a moral character flaw i refuse to deal with again.
People show their real selves and sometimes you just have to believe what you see and not what you hear.
Gut instincts arent know...its not prejudice if its right lol