All Night Long They Play The Blues

Bye LiveJournal.

I've decided to break-up with you. You had to have seen it coming. I don't give you attention, ever.
We're just going in different directions, and I need something new, ya know?

I'll remember all the good times we had. You got me through a lot of issues. I'm grateful.

But, it's time for me to move on. Good luck to you. I know you have a lot of competition from other blogging sites...and I'll tell you right now that I'm leaving you for blogspot.

Anyway. See ya.

(ps...ill inform people on here of my blogspot thing once I get it up and kicking...if you still want to read about my adventures (or misadventures) and all that kind of shit).

I'm by myself all the time, lost often, confused every second, and poor beyond belief. I've been taken advantage of God knows how many times, and been forced to make decisions at the drop of a dime that have been completely life altering. I've been degraded, humiliated, drugged, and terrified beyond belief. In short, I've been stripped bare and smacked the fuck around by life. I'm bloody, bruised and broken.

And life could not be better. I'm heightened. What a relief. This is what it's all about.

Love you guys.

My first full day in Washington D.C. has been one of contrasts. Poor neighborhoods, rich neighborhoods (within a few blocks of each other). White people and Black people. Far and close. Confusing and straight forward. My day was mostly characterized, however, by my deeply conflicting and contrasting emotions. My feelings undulated from being unable to contain my excitement to absolute terror, all within the span of a few minutes. This is such a big undertaking that it's almost too much for me to comprehend at once. I'm trying to take it one step at a time, but I'm finding that frustratingly hard. I so much desire for this move to be perfect, but it won't be. There will be times when I'm lost and alone, scared and utterly helpless. At the same time, there will also be times of sheer ecstasy and happiness; invisibility. And that is what I'm trying to focus on. I told myself way before that I was looking for a total experience...the good and bad. This is a journey of self-discovery, a time to see what I'm made of, the place to be exposed to a life and culture that couldn't be more different from what I'm used to. I cannot and will not be a child anymore. I must make hard decisions about myself and the life I choose to lead. I have to leave my mother, even though all I want to do is be near to her and have her watch over me and guide me in the right direction. But life, I believe (and I'm not trying to sound wise, by any means) is about taking wrong directions, and making bad decisions. How else, then, will you learn?

So, I will not lie and say that this day was good, because it just wasn't. But, I'll take it because I've started my journey, and I've learned a lot. It's mind-bottling to think about how much I'll learn in the span of a couple months. Today I began to see how truly big this world really is.

I just talked to Elmo and he wants to hang out with me when I'm on the East Coast.
He's not as happy as you would think, with his high pitched, childlike voice and infectious laugh.
I think he's a conflicted, lonely, melancholy man. Unfulfilled.
Maybe he needs a friend. Maybe I should be his friend.
I hope he doesn't try and touch my butt.

A strand of blonde hair
on your forehead.
You pull it from your face,
tuck it behind your ear.
A quick kiss
on a cheek
that is quite familiar
with your lips.
A hand on your hip.
You wore a wry
smile
as you watched me.

This is how
I would remember
a day at a park
with you,
mother,
had we met.
You with hair
in your face
and a smile,
wry,
that looks
like mine.

Head-nod
"Sup."
Hands slap
like brothas do.
Quick pat on the shoulder.
Whoa.
You ain't touched me
like that
before.

Here us.
Now
Remembering
what was supposed
to be forgotten.
Quick glancing and
Talkin' 'bout
that nigro
and your new digs
and

oh hell I ain't
listening anyway.
I'm just thinking
and getting pissed
at the fact
that energy truly
cannot be
created or destroyed.

It just is.

I think I will just slip away quietly. Two weeks and I'll be gone. Leaving the people I love the most will be hard, but I suppose it's not an ending. Those who have the desire to stay in my life will do so.

I will miss everyone else too, and I hope to never see any of them again.

Dear Christ, my Lord Savior,

Can you please send me a man? 5'10-6'4." A brotha, or an Arab. Light skinned, dark skinned, don't matter. Though, I have been into black men with red hair and freckles lately. Fully versatile, 8" or more (not to thick though), round bootay, drug and disease free, educated/conscious, respectful. Someone with goals/drive, good hygiene. Someone who obsessively clips their toenails. Someone who knows how to use their pillow lips. I don't like lips that engulf my entire mouth and make it seem like a mother wolf regurgitating minced moose into the mouth of her raucous brood up wolflings. However, Dear Jesus, I would mostly like someone who makes me forget that I am stuck-up and vain, and someone who doesn't possess any of those traits I just listed but is just right.

I miss sleepingnotfucking with you. A soft dick against the back of my thigh. Erratic breathing. Annoying yet comforting facial hair scraping my neck. Hands as girly as mine loosely holding on to some part of me. Intertwined toes. Equal use of the blanket. Not hot. Not cold. Just right.

Shiiiiiiit nigro, you put me straight sleep. You know that.

So just come the fuck over. I don't know what this is between us, or how the hell you're supposed to fit in my life.
"Though too, I wonder," sometimes, only sometimes "are you thinking of me, and if you are, why am I feeling so lonely?" But honestly, I can't worry about that now. This shit is deep and I'm too lazy and too tired to try and figure us out. All's I know, nigro, is that I want you to come the fuck over so I can finally rest my eyes.

Dear Tucson,

You're cloudy today, and rainy. I opened my window and I let your creosote perfume drift in. You masked the smell of a dirty boy. Thanks. Now I won't have to clean my room for at least another two days--maybe three if the clouds stay for a while longer. I don't think another city would do that for me.

So we've been knowing each other for a while now and we've had our ups and downs. I despise you often, appreciate you little, complain about you daily, curse your name nightly. You were never right for me--with your dustiness, your small townishness, your stupid fucking inhabitants. I hated growing up in you, fa'real. I always wondered what I would be like or how great I could have been had I lived outside your walls. I felt like an insect in a fucking Venus Fly Trap. All a brotha wanted to do was experience something bigger and better, and get the chance to really explore myself in a way that you never really allowed. Am I worse off because of you? I'll never know. But I never hesitate to think of the all the possibilities denied me, because of you. I've wanted to leave never come back for years now. And now I am.

My last months with you have reinforced all those feelings. It's been a hard year for me. I've been more unhappy with you than ever before. Shit just never got good here. My life has been stagnant, repetitive, unfulfilled. You deferred a lot of motha fucking dreams. But despite all my disgust with you in these final days, you made me see how much you've actually done for me. And dare I say it--you made me realize how much I love you.

So I don't hate you, Tucson. How can I hate something that has given me so many fond memories? You were the place where my mother, sister and I were all brought together. We were made a family, in you. I love them so much in part, because we've shared memory after memory, in you. And I feel guilty, Tucson, for leaving them. I'm breaking us up. I don't want my mom to be lonely, and I'm going to miss my annoying my sister. I find solace, however, in the fact that they will continue to be nurtured by you.

And I'll always come back to you. How could I not? You introduced me to some incredible people; people who I know will always be in my life no matter where I go. I remember when I first met Klocko in the 2nd grade. She had this big ol' bow and a foofy dress on. Little did I know that this bossy, overly-organized and corny little girl would become one of my most cherished friends, who goes out of her way to help me. There are no words to express my gratitude to her. She's family.

Then you brought Sadie, Amanda, and Melissa to me. We've had some crazy fucking times over the years. These girls made me grow up. They showed me (often inadvertently) that there is so much more outside of you, Tucson. They made me think, and question, and rebel. And through our tumultuous friendship that was filled with laughter and good times mixed long spells of hatred and dislike, I began to understand myself. And I'm indebted to them.

And of course, you brought Damon. The jury is still out on whether I should hate you or love you for bringing this person into my life. That was a whirlwind year with him. I had never cried and hurt as much as I did when I was with him. I was defenseless and broken-down. But at the same time, I learned about love. Cheesy, I know, but it's true. He was the first person I ever really loved, which in-turn made me love myself. With him, I learned to embrace who I was made to be. And even though we didn't end things in the best of ways, he is someone who will always have an immense impact on my life.

And now you've brought me LaTisha and Chris, my hands-down best friends this year. We are a trinity. I always have fun with them. Drunken nights, trips to Phoenix, their good dancing and my excuse for dancing. They showed me how to let lose, let love, and let live. I'm sad to be leaving them because I feel like our already deep friendship is just beginning. But I also know that it isn't ending. And I'm glad.

So now that I'm about to embark on this incredible adventure, I'm realizing how hard it's going to be to leave you. You're my home, Tucson, and leaving a home is never easy. I'm about to be thrusted into a completely foreign place, away from all the comforts that you have provided me. When I'm in DC and people ask where I'm from, I will be proud to rep you. You are where I'm from, and I am who I am because of you. I'm going to miss your ass so much. Your heat, your mountains, your traffic, your boringness, your saguaros and blooming palo verdes, your roadrunners and noisy cicadas, your food, your stupid fucking inhabitants, your small-townishness, your cheap gas, my friends and family that all live in you. The smell of creosote that drifts in from my open window and masks the smell of a dirty boy.



I love you, Tucson,
Alex