Reblogged
hottest fucking thing one can read, really (x)
Reblogged
Actual things that happen in the 1897 Dracula novel, without context:
- A character has ominous nightmares and attributes them to eating too much paprika
- Dracula first appears wearing a fake beard
- The person he was trying to fool with the fake beard immediately realizes Dracula and Beard Guy are the same man, due to both having really firm handshakes
- We are told parrots are immortal unless fatally wounded
- A Texan cowboy opens fire on a bat flitting around a window, and lodges a bullet in the wall of an occupied room
- A woman is called a polyandrist for receiving blood transfusions from multiple men
- An incorrectly addressed telegram leads to two deaths, multiple druggings, and several children being assaulted
- Dracula, while trying to maintain a low profile, takes a lovely trip to the zoo and freaks out the animals so badly that he gets mentioned in a newspaper article
- The one character who knows anything about vampires spends a good two-thirds of the book refusing to talk about vampires
- Dracula went to Satan's Witchcraft Academy and somehow this is only brought up in two throwaway lines
- A character gets stuck inside a circle of communion wafer crumbs
- A major plot point of the book is Dracula (who was said to be a brilliant scholar and has the strength of twenty mortal men) realizing he can move boxes without human help
- Someone is referred to as "manifestly a prig of the first water"
- Two characters have a hobby of reading train schedules
- A hospital lets a mental patient escape to see what will happen
- A character starts vomiting up feathers from eating whole birds
- A doctor refuses to give a medical diagnosis and instead makes a speech about growing corn
- Dracula impersonates another character just by wearing the same clothes, despite being taller and visibly much older. This deception is successful.
- A character "cleans" a room by eating all the insects in it
- Suddenly: rats. Thousands of them.
- The heroes progress in their efforts through "the wonderful power of money," i.e., bribery
- Dracula has three other vampires in his castle. Their relation to him is never explained, nor are any of them named.
- A character insists his salvation depends on having a pet cat
- Dracula is thwarted by flowers on more than one occasion
- A group of vampires stand in the hall outside a man's bedroom, talking loudly about their plans to eat him. When he comes to the door to confront them, they run away laughing
- Dracula wears an unfashionable hat and gets roasted for it
- A group of Romanians encounter a disheveled, shouting man and, "seeing from his violent demeanour that he was English, they [give] him a ticket for the furthest station on the way thither that the train reached."
- A boat crashes due to Dracula having the munchies
- A wolf is thrown through a window and immediately runs off, confused and covered in glass
- Dracula makes a bed