I used to know people that slowly disappeared.
trisome is about to become something new. i'm sorry guys. apathy is such a bitch.
and it would be nice to know ryan wasn't dead
I was sitting at a red light, flipping stations. Trying to find something that felt right. I followed the suggestion of a sticker on the car in front of me, and hit seek until I heard the familiar strains coming out of my speakers.
I sighed, and hesitated before pulling my hand away.
I'd cried for less.
My head nodded beyond my control, happy that the song had just started.
My eyes closed in the sun, and I was back by your side, my feet curled up under me. We were so young then.
We sped along the highway, the doors gone and the california sun to our side. The mountain to the left, the water to the right. School behind us, anything we could dream of before us. You sang to me over the phone, never daring to come over that late. Called for me out of the pa on your car; we sat in the car watching my dad pull into my driveway.
The light changed and I opened my eyes, still humming along. I had the feeling I could drive like this forever.
I could see you in auto shop, I could see you sitting at the familiar picnic table across the lawn. I could see the dead bugs on pins in your daddy's garage.
I wondered if you ever took the time to think about the way things had ended, wondered if you lived your life in the same regret that refused to leave mine.
Regret isn't a fair word. Regret doesn't allow for age, regret doesn't allow for inadequacies on both our parts.
It became incredibly important to me, driving in the arizona heat, to let you know I didn't hold you responsible. I wanted to call you out of the blue, interrupt your colorado dream, tell you that everything that happened was meant to be learned from. We became who we are now out of those months.
I wanted to tell you I still loved you, still wondered what came out of those hot afternoons by the track field. I wanted to wonder if it was really all worth it, but I knew the answer.
It was.
It was worth every moment of hatred, every moment of adoration, every offered lesson, every time I looked at you and only saw red hair and happiness.
I've come so far from the girl you knew. My appearance is different, but more than that, I think differently. I don't drive the same old car I once loved, I don't put my feet up on the dash. I know what passion can do, I know what true heart break is. You say I've never loved, but I have. I've loved ideas, I've loved people, I've loved places. I've lost so many things. I've become a fiery girl, full of knowledge and experience. Talking to you brings me back to rules of grammar, rules of etiquette, rules of revenge and the heart break of being rejected. I wouldn't change you and I wouldn't change me. I'm sure you are happy as you are, I'm sure someone loves your simplicity and your awkwardness. The same qualities that once took my breath away. Qualities I had threatened to key a beloved car for. And I like the person I have grown into.
In the hot sun, a state and years away from where we started, I finally felt like home. And when it ended, I finally understood the words. All of that; it was all worth it.
we used to have so many plans, didn't we?
it was all
planned
out.
Where we'd go,
how we'd end up.
no matter what, you and i against the world.
Now I'm leaving and now you're gone
and postcards and other cards still have to be sent.
you and i. The mug from serendipity is in peices across my floor and arizona is just too hot for chocolate and me.
I CAN'T FUCKINg WRITE, GUYS. It's like slitting my wrists and the blood refusing to pour out. I don't know if I can do strewn. I can't write when i have to. Everything is come out so horribly. i'm sorry.
so a bunch of drunks woke me up. i looked out my window and realized that i knew them. so i threw on some clothes and jumped outside. they werent there anymore when i got outside but i heard them down the road. i followed with my hoodie up, throwing small rocks at them. being drunk, they were obviously excited to see me. i talked with this girl kendal and she kept apologizing and explaining every little thing she did. i was like what the hell, why do you care what i think? she just said i dont know. she smelled really awful from the "chocolate" cigar she was smoking. she kept going on and on about how she had never smoked before and this was her first cigar. i congratulated her. she was raised by very close to the home, if you take my meaning. this cigar was a way for her to feel grown up, like she was actually away from mommy and daddy. but what the poor girl doesnt realize is, you can never escape your parents, you just eventually turn into them. in one way or another at least.
-
- Current Music
- humming something
the burned copy of goddamnit that i was given at the beginning of this year lacked two songs, cop and cringe. i had never heard either until about 5 weeks ago. i love cop. whats so weird is that ive listened to that album with so many people but never heard those two songs. odd how life happens sometimes.
Past the green pants, the pink dresses, the orange tops. Almost there. My whole world living as a muted mix of muzak, voices and underpants.
"Is there anythinn I can help you with?"
"No. I'm just looking around."
Jump to a park in Paris. Someone's daughter, my daughter, dashes around the neighborhood playground.
"Paige, please stop kicking the sand."
My legs stretch out into the sun in front of me and I close my eyes.
"Excuse me, miss?"
Jump back to the stuffy Gap.
"Hi, how can I help you?" A fake smile through the unreal fog.
Everything I'll lose in life. Everything I've lost. Those people don't shop at the Gap. A real career. A shot of happiness.
Jump to Mahattan.
Jump to falling in love.
Jump to fights I never intended on winning.
"Have you got this in a small?"
You could use the medium Fake smile.
"It'll take just a minute for me to check in the back."
Jump to last August. When I left for good.
A crazy looking lady walking her dog: "They're singing prayers!"
huh?
"On top of your car!!"
My hand out the window, feeling the roof of the car. Ah.
I grab the bag and pull it in. Wave before I speed off. My purse.
"I'm sorry, we haven't got any smalls. Can I help you find anything else?"
Jump to San Francisco, 1989. A dark bedroom, a 10 year old in bed with a flashlight and a book.
Her parents in the hall, screaming as if their lives depended on it.
Jump to the next day, a crowd of people around the child. Singing Happy Birthday. She closes her eyes tight and exhales quickly. Making a wish. Wishing to be happy. Damning the rest of her life to a search for happiness. Dedicating the next twenty years to an 11 year old's dream.
I fell back onto my bed and pulled my legs over my head, stretching out my back. I hadn't spoken yet today. At all. Not to myself, not to my computer, not to anyone. It's a weird realization. I quickly pulled on my pants and ducked out of my house, yanking a jacket over my nightgown.
"I haven't spoken today." My mind screamed out over and over, a jubilant cry.
But when I start thinking about something, I'm doomed to mess up. The time I realized I hadn't slipped in a week. I faceplanted two minutes later. Or the time I realized I hadn't craved a cigarette at all that day. I was shaking immediattely.
I needed someplace special to have my first word of the day.
SHIT.
I glanced down at my ringing phone and pressed the ignore button. Sorry, Grandma.
I shoved my hands into my jean pockets and started a quick walk towards the ASU campus. It's only a two minute drive away, and if I walk fast, I can make it in 5. Five minutes.
I regretted the jacket over my nightgown. The sun in Arizona in April isn't exactly forgiving. Goddamn this state. I smiled as big as ever and thought about going home. The hills and the tunnel and telegraph after a cal game. Gilman and the upstairs at Slim's. Hardly any friends left there, but I'll always have the people in Tempe. and Then New YOrk. I happily shivered.
I paused to light my cig, and started down under the building.
I came out into the sun in the middle of the garden. The only true garden at ASU. It doesn't have a purpose. It's beautiful, and a secret.
I dashed across the lawn to the fire escape and quickly started climbing. I imagined you underneath me, laughing at the way the cigarette dangled out of my mouth as I tried to smoke and climb.
The top was comfortably in the shade. I laid back.
Thanks for that spot. That spot is ours.
IF YOU WANT THE LAYOUT TO BE BETTER, MAKE IT.
If not, we're up and running. Invite people as you see fit.
I love the pictures, ryancore.
Be elite in who you invite. and don't invite people i hate. because i won't approve their membership. I hate how many people make shit on el jay.
<3
me
