step inside my office

i should just start to write up my senior havdallah stuff now. i will never have enough time to think/to say everything i need to say in that short amount of time, especially if i personally will be watching the time so closely so that i do not bore the children who do not care to hear my think out loud about my past 4 years of nfty.

well either way. i donno. i just got a phonecall, lost my train of though.

disney world could be a good time.

this is wierd. this is seriously way too wierd. i completely didn't even realize it was already tomorrow, meaning, april 1st. I mean...i didnt even intend to write anything related to that...but i just saw the date up top and it says april 1st...that's just so wierd, i wasnt expecting it.

oh well.

so listen up guys. well as usual, i'm going to warn you that this most likely won't be anything intelligent or well written. But also as usual...if you're lucky enough to keep reading it might turn into something intelligent, once i get the emotional stuff out of the way.

i don't know. i feel like i have so much to write, so much going through my head, meanwhile i just really can't express it. maybe i am just too tired, too lazy, to use my brain to extract those thoughts, but either way, i feel like all i want to do is say 'i dont know.' the only problem with that, is that it obviously doesnt solve my problems--not that i have any--but you catch my drift.

i feel like all i do is reminise [sp?] these days. i suppose i feel as though i've come so far and i've reached the end of my westport life, my adolescence, whatever and now i have nothing left to do but reflect. meanwhile, this is completely untrue to my lifestyle and my thoughts, because i honestly don't think that this part of my life is ENDING, it's simply TRANSITIONING into another part. I know i will be in westport, often actually, even once i leave for college. i know i can come back and visit teachers and staples, if i want. i will definately still stay in touch with everyone, even if it's just during the summer. i'm not worried about it at all.

maybe it's that i feel like i have one last chance to make everything right, but maybe that's not true. Even if i did believe this, which i dont--it's simply an excuse for myself to justify something--i dont think that there's nothing there is for me to make right.

i guess i definately feel a little like i haven't fully lived out high school to its greatest potential. well, i know i havent. but for the MOST PART, ive enjoyed it for what it is. even lame nights, months--of no boys, driving around, being dumb, and just all that crappy high school stuff, was fun it its own lame typical high school kind of way.

and i guess i'm also a little bit distraught now that lindsay has had me thinking about senior prom. truthfully, i don't even want to think about it. it's so far away, and i just don't even know what to think of it, and am not interested in blowing it out of proportion with excitment...because there's simply no point, except that it would give me something to distract my attention, which i don't want, seeing as i still have until AP exams to do work and go to school.

i mean, there are other things on my mind, but nothing i need to share wtih you--and the other 20 you's that might happen to stumble across this journale entry at some point for some odd reason or extreme boredom. i guess to say, i am tired now and am not really being reasonable, but this year is not yet over. college doesn't start until the summer ends, and in order for it to end, it must start. aka--we really do have a lot of time left here. Instead of walling in the past, and doing all sorts of invaluable thinking, we should all enjoy what's left. there's not too much of it, but it is there, and it will never necesarily end, it will just change.

our lives will not end, our senior year will not end, our "westport days" will not end. all this stuff is just going to change a little to fit our college lifestyles, or job or army lifestyles, whatever it is we choose to do. So let's enjoy ourselves now.

we should do something we've always wanted to do.
we should be prepared, but ready to be spontaneous
we should enjoy ourselves!

So, i feel as though i will not be able to provide much insight or even good writing in this journal entry, but more often than not, i just do not know what will happen, so read on if you'd like.

It has been a long yet not at all tiring day. i woke up very late, did some food shopping, went to work, and got home about 45 minutes ago to waste away on the internet.

i need to go shower, and perhaps make myself dinner--on account of my parents still being away for another few hours--and although i don't plan on doing any homework tonight, i do plan on watching almost famous which i rented at the public library after work. However, for some reason i have been sitting here on my bum, making my eyes hurt, and for what? Well, i suppose i was not ready to go yet, and i figured it might be because i need to write a little journale entry, and perhaps discover something on my mind.

a lot has been going on lately, although physically&externally, it seems as though it has not.

I feel like it's the same thing every day: being tired, working some times, doing some homework, checking my e-mail, and even more tiring: thinking about the same old things, high school, college, the past, the present, friends, who knows.

a few weeks ago a friend mentioned a sort of slump they were experiencing...and i feel as though i am kind of in the same. It isn't really an emotional slump. i am still happy and everything, and myself, i just can't help but reflecting and thinking ahead and just kind of being without much purpose.

it sounds a lot worse expressed verbally or in writing than it really IS in my head and in real life, basically. The actual concept it great: i've been reading Rule of the Bone, and basically that's the way the rastafarians do it. They just take on the day as it comes, without much planning or agenda, and just do what they feel like at the moment they feel like and that's great. Appealing....but not when one is used to the speed of daily life, turbulence and all.

the thing is, i was talking to sam last night, and i find that i'm doing it again. i feel as though i'm complaining, or searching for a problem, when really after having written all that, as nice as it might have been to say, i don't actually feel that way. haha. that's pretty funny actually, it's like i'm lying to myself in that innocent, let-me-make-something-up-because-i-don't-have-anything-better-to-say kind of way. whatever. oh great, now i feel like bone. [russel banks reference].

okay, well. i think perhaps i've just been lacking stimulation lately, maybe that's all it is. lack of motivation, lack of mind stimulation, obviously something even Mr. Young's literature class or Mr. Coccoli's heated APES class can't provide.

i guess it's just something that is happening, something that JUST IS for the hell of it just being, and since i can't put my finger on it, i need to JUST BE. it seems like the only solution. this is probably something that i don't even need to think about, and the fact that i am thinking about something that simply doesn't need to be thought about or analyzed...i'm causing even greater suspicions in my mind about myself and my inside feelings. So i think what i'll do is just take a deep breath.

i'm gonna take a deep breath and then get off the computer, take my shower, make my dinner, watch my movie...and enjoy. there's no reason for me to search for something to do if there's nothing to be done, and no reason for me to find a problem in a problem-less situation.

people will be people. if it actually is people that are getting to me, as long as i stop expecting certain things from certain people...i bet i'll be just fine and probably as soon as i forget that i think something's wrong, it will be back to peachy.

deep breath :: :: see ya children

I'm the son of rage and love,
The Jesus of suburbia,
From the bible of "none of the above",
On a steady diet of soda pop and ritalin,
No one ever died for my sins in hell,
As far as I can tell,
At least the ones I got away with

But there's nothing wrong with me,
This is how I'm supposed to be,
In a land of make believe,
That don't believe in me

Get my television fix,
Sitting on my crucifix,
The living room in my private womb,
While the Mom's and Brad's are away,
To fall in love and fall in debt,
To alcohol and cigarettes and Mary Jane,
To keep me insane and doing someone else's cocaine
---

-City Of The Damned-

At the center of the earth,
In the parking lot,
Of the 7-11 where I was taught,
The motto was just a lie

It says: home is where your heart is,
But what a shame,
'Cause everyone's heart,
Doesn't beat the same,
We're beating out of time

City of the dead,
At the end of another lost highway,
Signs misleading to nowhere,
City of the damned,
Lost children with dirty faces today,
No one really seems to care

I read the graffiti,
In the bathroom stall,
Like the holy scriptures in a shopping mall,
And so it seemed to confess,
It didn't say much,
But it only confirmed that,
The center of the earth,
Is the end of the world

And I could really care less
---
-I Don't Care-

I don't care if you don't,
I don't care if you don't,
I don't care if you don't care
I don't care if you don't,
I don't care if you don't,
I don't care if you don't care
I don't care if you don't,
I don't care if you don't,
I don't care if you don't care
I don't care if you don't,
I don't care if you don't,
I don't care if you don't care

Everyone Is So Full Of Shit!
Born and raised by hypocrites,
Hearts recycled but never saved,
From the cradle to the grave,
We are the kids of war and peace,
From Anaheim to the middle east,
We are the stories and disciples of,
The Jesus Of Suburbia

Land of make believe,
And it don't believe in me,
Land of make believe,
And I don't believe,
And I don't care!
---
-Dearly Beloved-

Dearly beloved, are you listening?
I can't remember a word that you were saying,
Are we demented? Or am I disturbed?
The space that's in between insane and insecure

Oh therapy can you please fill the void?
Am I retarded or am I just overjoyed?
Nobody's perfect and I stand accused,
For the lack of a better word, and that's my best excuse
---
-Tales Of Another Broken Home-

To live and not to breathe,
Is to die in tragedy,
To run, to run away,
To find what you believe,
And I leave behind,
This hurricane of fucking lies,
I lost my faith to this,
This town that don't exist

So I run,
I run away

To the light of masochists,
And I leave behind,
This hurricane of fucking lies,
And I walked this line,
A million and one fucking times,
But not this time

I don't feel any shame,
I won't apologize

When there ain't nowhere you can go,
Running away from pain,
When you've been victimized,
Tales from another broken home

[5:18pm]
Consumerism

So, i've just returned home from a longer-than-excepted trip to the pharmacy. More specifically, it was half to Trader Joes half to CVS. CVS and Trader Joes are directly across the street from each other, making them both a good minutes drive from my house. my entire excursion probably took a good 45 minutes. Now...this might not sound so ridiculous...spending 43 minutes at these two places...but when I tell you the only things on my shopping list were: shampoo, conditioner, face wash, bobby pins, and hair stuff, this seems a little absurd. 

Many fail to realize that the life of today's consumer is a tough pursuit. As modern citizens, we are not only expected to bide by the law (perhaps that's not the right phrasing, but it should make sense) and fulfill our duties as individuals, we are also expected to be consumers. This is less of an expectation and more of a way of life, considering it is pretty impossible to live on the East Coast without becoming a consumer. I'd like to say this of all Americans and many other people in developed nations, but for the sake of being PC, i'll stick to the East Coast because from personal experience i can rightly vouch for the "east coast." 
Modern Society is made up of this thing called "pop culture" and along with it comes fashion, food, music, literature, and everything else that makes up our daily lives. 

There are so many products available to today's consumer, that it is almost impossible to decide which products to use and which to leave on the shelf. Today i was hoping to buy some natural products at trader joes, perhaps something a little less commercial, a little more safe, and maybe a little less to choose from. Even at Trader Joes, choosing between 4 kinds of Shampoo was pretty difficult. I mean--they're all made by the sam brand, the prices are relatively similar, and i really have no idea what ingredients to look for to do the job of cleaning my hair. But that wasn't such a hard decision, i chose one and moved onto CVS. 

This is where pop culture and commercialism lurk like a ravenous tiger waiting for the next vulnerable consumer it can attack. Face Wash: the most important task of the day. It seems like something so insignificant, heck my mother thinks its stupid i even use it...but i will agree with modern hygeine on this one: i'd like to keep my face clean, thank you very much. There are and endless number of brands and types of wash. I've been through this process before, having yet to find the perfect facial cleanser. A few times ago, one facewash that seemed pretty safe ended up giving me a rash, so i figured to take advantage of the new and improved fancy shmancy CVS section and seek the help of the "professionals." (our cvs has this little Boots Section, the english pharmacy line, and there are cvs beauty specialists there to help) She suggested i use some new face wash designed for sensitive skin. I used it, it was fine, but it didn't do it for me. Next time...i once again consulted the "specialist" and was directed to yet another, and yet more expensive face wash. This is the one i've been currently using, it feels nice, no sacilyc acid crap...pretty general, but i still don't feel like its making my face any cleaner after using it. So today was back to square one. 

I--along with 3 other ladies who i could tell were having the same issue as me--strolled down the face care aisle reading the labels on a variety of different face products. Some sounded the same, some sounded like they had too many chemicals, i didn't know if one would make my face rash again....it was a mess! I ended up choosing one, similar to one i've gotten before, but who knows what the heck it will do. 

what it comes down to, because i am realizing i have homework to do, is that we live in this society in which everything has been commercialized and so many companies create products, yet know one really knows the difference between them all. Even if some scientists or doctors could tell me which is better for my skin, how would the average consumer know that? They wouldn't! It's a bit ridiculous and mighty difficult to analyze and choose these things....and i always leave wondering: what the hell is the difference between these products and are they even helpful!? i mean...i think i could get more blemishes from the mere stress of buying a facial cleanser than i am buying the cleanser to avoid. I mean...it's sort of a waste of time, and kind of a lot of bullshit...but i'm not to say i won't continue to buy products or even avoid a job in the field--i actually find it quite interesting. 

it's just a rough life--the consumer end that is.
Good luck in your future pharmaceutical endeavors...
let me know if i can help, but i don't think its possible!

[4:16pm] 

give a kiss for just a moment
and my imagination will thrive upon that kiss
sweetheart, i ask no more than this
a kiss to build a dream on!

even without any kiss of this sort, the weather right now is a perfect landscape for building a dream on.
i admit to having sat inside my bedroom all day wasting the gift of an early cancellation. I suppose i napped for a good 40 minutes, had a terrifying dream that elle's little brother was here because she had to step out for a moment. I was making some ice cream concoction and using the stove? well, everything caught fire, and the gas kept lighting over everything, creating little auras that i coudln't get rid of...then steph cooperman and i were going to some printing shop to pick up some nfty apparel, but it turns out it wasn't there and we had to ride there on a wooden horse rocker...it was slightly odd, slightly. 

anyhow, i just returned from my adventure into narnia. of course the snowy abyss that is my front lawn is not some fairyale narnia, but walking out through my garage and into the winter's chill felt as close to what i can imagine stepping out of a closet and into narnia would feel like. At this late afternoon hour, the sun has already begun to set, even aside from it's invisibility behind the greedy snow clouds. 

no one has been home all day, and my driveway looked like a blank canvas--granular were there snowy threads that wove it together. a fresh snow always causes me to question whether or not i want to ruin the untouched beauty of it...but more often than not, i do. However, today i realized it isn't ruining anything. Although the foggy white looks so delicate and pretty, it looks just as nice--perhaps even better--with a few imprints from my snowboots! It was lovely. i took my mother's digi-cam outside with me, in an attempt to catch some of nature's finest moments while i still can. It was cold, but not too cold. I had on my bright yellow scarf and my snow jacket. 

at first the snow was lightly flurrying, which is always nice, but within a few minutes it started to get heavier until i was being attacked by little ice pellets! did someone think this was some funny game? well, i actually felt a bit like i was in a skittles commerical [to tell you the truth.] Because unlike what i've foiund when it usually hails, and ugly little ice balls fall from the sky and burn my hands. No, this time it looked and sounded like a full on rain, but the raindrops were simply frozen! They didn't get me wet, but a few found their way into my hair and the crevices of my scarf and jacket. You know how in the skittles commercials it always looks so nice, even though you'd imagine tons of skittles falling on you at once would probably hurt. I opened my hand, in hopes of my little skittles daydream coming true, and all the little falling comets would fill into my hand and overflow. Obviously...this did not happen, but i was able to take 2 decent photos of them falling into my hand. It's really hard to trap these little suckers on camera, especially when the camera is a little canon digital camera that is fully automatic. I really love SLR film cameras for that reason--i like that i can play around with the shutter speed and actually see a falling flake. My camera wasn't bad though, i got some decent shots. I tried to change the setting to black and white, because Ivy taught me that i could do that recently while sitting at carson's. No luck with my mom's camera though, but oh well...

really...i'm not such a fan of the cold. and i hate the post snow-muddy streets, but while it is snowing: j'adore! it's just so pretty, so magical, so utterly dreamlike. so with that i urge you to go outside--if its snowing--and if not, just make sure you DO go out into it next time it snows for you. Oh boy--i just want to fall asleep in the snow. It's my kiss to build a dream on. 

11:12pm
sunday feb.26
dead tired.

it's been a rough week. relaxing, but rough.
i thought i would get myself to bed early tonight. i did all of the homework i was willing to do for the night. i checked all my e-mail. i turned out all of the lights, did everything i needed to do to prepare for bed. i was in bed by 9:45. that is wicked early. i was so tired, my eyes hurt anyway, so i thought i'd fall asleep. 

yea right. i already got out of bed once to write down a few things that were in my mind, actually a list of things i wanted to talk to melissa about tomorrow. i thought maybe if i wrote down everything i was thinking about i could get to bed, because i was afraid i would forget tomorrow. but no...its more than an hour later. and here i am. still awake. 

my eyes feel like they're bulging out of my head. you must know the feeling: when you are so tired that your eyes hurt. it kinda feels as though my eyes are these heavy masses secured by two heavy ropes. if you can imagine: a large mountain/cliff, with the ropes hanging down over the edge, attatched to those two heavy masses-your eyeballs. no matter how hard i try to close my eyelids, theyseem to be forcing themselves up again-like a stubborn projecter screeen that refuses to be pulled down. i can feel my eyeballs moving, racing around the tiny racetrack of my...eye-sockets i suppose [that doesn't sound too lovely.] i;ve counted cows. they were cute cartoonish cows, jumping over a while picked fence in a scene of dark green grass, a midnight blue sky, big yellow cartoonish stars and a nice cresent moon in the left corner. a few times some other thoughts jumped in the ay, and i lost count. i think the longest consecutive cow count i got to was about 53 or so. i put on my new silky eye mask--i think it has a name and i've forgotten. i thought to myself: perhaps if my eyes are forced shut, and i can't see anything around me even if i do open my eyes, i will be forced to sleep. but apparently...this did not work either. 

just sitting here with my eyes open is painful. i feel as though my eyes should water. there is a pain above my left brow, sharp yet ambiguous, i can't quite find its exact location or its route. it spreads everywhere though. like a small tree, with rapid growing roots that are slowly creeping across my entire head. why...if i am so tired, can i not sleep?

mr. coccoli-my apes teacher-told me at some point that if he can't sleep at night, he tries not to force himself. he gets up and watches tv or something, then tries to go to bed again. i can't quite remember how this stemmed out of any conversation, but it did--apparently. i wish i knew what it was in relation to, but it doesn't really matter. i've obviously remembered it because it seemed like valid advice: you can't force your body to do something it isnt ready to do. i figured i'd try it out. i figured...why lay there sleepless, if i could just get out of bed and write a little. 

ooh-a gust of wind just hit my feet! oleg must've opened his door, because i hear him chatting to someone--probably over the phone since i don't hear a second party. unfortunately, our rooms are basically connected and i can hear/smell everything that goes on down there. my window is directly above his door. oh well, what can ya do?

anyway, i'm just so ridiculously exhausted. i hope this helps...but i am somehow unsure of that. i'm closing my eyes while sitting here actually...i mean, ive opened them a bunch of times in the course of this entry, but at the moment i am typing with my eyes closed. it hurts too much, too much of a strain on such a delicate part of my body. my eyes afterall, are what connect the word to my brain--in one sense at least. it's a little funny though, that i cant safely rest my eyes while sitting here, full of motion and "awakeness" but the second my head falls on my smoothly cotton covered pillow, covered by the warmth of my comforter, and safe in darkness' embrace...i must force them shut? perhaps it is because i have too much goingon in my head, and by closing my eyes now i am still fully able to think and go on with my life while 'somewhat resting' wheras when i attempt to go to sleep for real, i cant, because it means i will have to take a break from life and fully rest...which perhaps, my body has been trained NOT to do. but time and societys high stress, busy busy attitude is another whole conversation. 

i think i'm ready. 
wish me luck. 
i'm off. 
[11:33pm]

There is something really nice about silence. I don't necesarily mean complete and utter silence, in which a pin could be heard if dropped. I am referring to more of a realistic silence.

I was just in barnes and noble. I went there to read a short story for english, thinking it would be silent and i would have less distraction then i had at home. To my dismay, it was not silent at all, and i felt an immediate tingle of frustration. However...within a matter of moments i realized that it was still a silent workspace, despite the overhead music playing and the hustle and bustle of people. All of this noise seemed to blur into the background as my mind focused on my printed packet. For what may have been thirty minutes--even forty five--i sat in silence conversing with no one but the inner thinkings of my mind. It was so nice to just sit cross legged in the smooth seat of the hard wooden chair and really enjoy the story i was reading. I finished.

Tempted to stay seated, i reminded myself of other work i had to do at home. A man walked by with a black coat and a briefcase. We swapped glances as strangers often do when their eyes meet somewhat accidentally in passing. I quietly stood up, put on my winter coat, forced my bag onto my shoulder and walked past the information desk, only to swap yet another accidental glance with the man who was now walking in front of me. I noticed the lady walking next to him, a barnes and noble employee no doubt, rubbing into his side. Although not my business, i watched her hand sweep past his side while the two walked closely in front of me. A smile appeared on the woman's face as she showed the man something to do with her pants, and he touched the fabric as if to agree. They stopped to the left of me and i passed them in the doorway.

A man walked out to his car. A lady in a green jacket and sparkley shoes passed me, enthralled in conversation with the man whom she was walking with. The silence of the parking lot whispered to the trees which were robed in tiny yellow lights. Still...it was silent.

I turned on my car and a small note jumped out of the radio. I shut it off quickly and exited the parking lot, only to stop again at the light. Radio off, all i could hear was the repetivie sound of the blinker, the glass-dulled sound of cars speeding by, and the echo of my own breathing into the plastic to go cup i held in my hand.

It seems silly, as often it does, to make mention of such a common and ordinary thing, something that perhaps mustn't be said at all. But if i hadn't been silent, i would most likely not have paid attention to any of this. It is this "real- life silence" that is so relaxing. The acknowlegement of time and space, fulfilling duties that must be done--in this case homework--yet at the same time being able to calm the lungs and relax. We are so often involved in something: talking on the phone, worrying about one thing or another, thinking about the comments previously made to us. But sometimes it is important to just be silent.

So...this is very random. and very short.

I am getting ready to go to the mall with elle. We are going to the mall to POWER WALK-how cool? But that's not quite the thought i was trying to get across in here.

I am gonna be a cool mom. I think that is SO neat. I mean...it's pretty much a fact. I was thinking about this because i just put on a track jacket i haven't worn in a while, and i thought to myself, 'well, i am not going to get rid of it, because i'll wear it at some point.' and the thought jumped to saving clothing for my future daughter. and that thought jumped yet again to the fact that i will have cool stories, etc. to tell my kids.

as in...my friend and i are going to the mall now. i have cute clothes. i have nice friends. and it is really out of character for me to be cocky and "bitchy" but that's not the point of making these statements. These are things i know. I am happy with myself and what's going on. If i;m having fun now...i will be having fun to tell theese stories.

ok. ELLE's HERE!

mall-here we come!

actually written: 4:13pm
|kindergarten park|

"Don't know much about history.
don't know much biology.
I don't know much about a science book.
Don't know much about the french i took.
But i do know that i love you
and i know if you love me too
what a wonderful world this will be."

Love filters through the radio. Into my car stereo, into my ears. This triggers a mechanical reaction in my body and a smile forms on my sunlit face.

It is 4:13PM, Tuesday January 24th.
It was the 1st day of midterms.
It is the day i go to the gym at 3:00pm.
It is so many things...
But as i sit writing in my stat notebook, in the parking lot of the park, i realize that i should take in this moment of afternoon sun--the golden rays cascading from the sky--still blinding despite my humongous sunglasses.

It's moments like these that we don't get enough of.
A white lab just sprinted across the lawn, tongue flailing out of its mouth, to its owner: a smiling woman in a blue ski jacket.
The shadow on my paper as i flip the page. the song on the radio.

It's such a perfect time for me to be sitting here writing. My senses have been heightened--perhaps as a result of my hour long workout--and i can notice the glare circles at the edges of my sunglasses. I feel the cool air patrolling through my 1/2 open window. I can smell the winter that's trying to hide under this springtime facade.

I suppose it is just important to take a break sometimes.

i had a rough day. i did poorly on my first exam. i have been stressed out. i realized ive hardly had time to have a real conversation with my parents in days.

even the voices of the two ladies chatting outside my car is refreshing. they too are taking a break, walking their dogs, taking a breather.

we all lead such busy lives, each full of our own obstacles, our own obligations, our own stresses and worries. But one thing most of us don't do...is STOP. We should stop and realize what exactly our obstacles and daily activities are for. what are we so busy for? what are we striving for?

this is obviously a rhetorical question. it's supposed to mean that this is our life. why try to work to make it better and push ourselves to accomplish things if we aren't even appreciating life--at least on occasion.

i don't know. i ramble forever.

well, i sit here still, breathing in deeply through my nose, exhaling through my mouth.
I think i'm happy?
i heard a great song--i really love that one.
the sunlight's shining on me. I've gotten to write--something other than school work.
and now i'm ready to conquer the rest of the day.

i will shower. i'll go to the library and study. i'll try even harder to keep my head up if i get discouraged.

now its 9:30pm. It's been working.