credit to yournamehere121

(no subject)

Guys.  Guys.  Guys, remember 2006?

Guuuuuuys.

So this is the first time this has happened, in a lot of years, probably -- I'm reading anime fic again.  Yaoi; not slash.  There Are Some Differences, see.  

So right now Google Chrome 25 tabs open, and one of them contains this AU medieval-type extravaganza of a collaborative effort made by the cast of Gundam Wing (omg, Gundam Wing) to take over your life for approximately a week (the fic is Willing Slave, and a massive freaking thing).  Gundam Wing -- this is like, only a bit younger than Sailor Moon or something.  
 
 
(Ok, so conveniently, this picture exists to prove my point.  SDA.)
 
Haha don't you miss it?  I miss it.  We had code for them, 1x2 for Heero Yuy/Duo Maxwell and 3x4 for Trowa Barton/Quatre
 Winner.  Winnerrrrrr.
 
           

The next tabs down the line are for Merlin fic, which I abandoned for a bit in 2009 but is relatively more recent than Gundam Wing, obviously.  I am baffled sometimes by the differences between slash and yaoi, I swear -- I can try to explain it, but I would fail a bit.  It's ineffable, the differences, is what it is.
 
Then I have tabs open for Prince of Tennis doujinshi (doujinshi!), starring Tezuka and Fuji. Guys, do you remember Tezuka and Fuji?  OMG.  I Googled myself into this girl's lj recs page and everything there was dated 2006 and relevant to my interests.  Everything!  She had all the canon fanon pairs of PoT and TezuFuji in abundance and there was even a bit of Harry/Draco in there, too, and it was a bit like, finding this tumblr page where you see that the owner writes and recs fic for Sherlock, Merlin, Doctor Who, Bandom, The Social Network, and Inception, which all exist as a group together, most of the time, in the slash fangirl's basic food pyramid -- except for 2006. 
 
 
(Bonus Harry/Draco picture.  It's not quite the same, I know.  It stopped being 2002 seven years ago.
 
)
 
It's crazy.  I've forgotten how anime can be so enjoyable.  Nowadays I'm all about Mark/Eduardo (you know that feeling when you start checking out other fandoms to pass the time [it's summer break over here, still] with since all the fics for your current one are WIPs, and everything else you've read already?  That's me, for Mark/Eduardo.  Yes, yes, I need a better hobby.)
 
But anime, haha, thanks for reminding me how much awesome you are capable of.
 
 
 
credit to yournamehere121

MOMMY, SPARE ME FROM CHORES; I AM BURSTING WITH META-COGNITION.


So this comes in the aftermath of possibly the hottest day I've experienced this 2011.  

From 10:50 am til 3:30 pm (the height of sunshine and heat and ugh) I was out of the house with my mom and dad, because we visited my grandma and went shopping for groceries.  Roughly half of that period was spent in the van and the traffic was horrible and the heat was everywhere and I hate Pasig in the afternoon, ok, all concrete and air-conditioning exhaust fumes and stuffy carparks.  


Not mine.  From http://creattica.com/uploaded-images/0003/9966/Shaw_Boulevard_2.jpg

So whatever sentences I say from here on out, I would blame on being subjected to the globally-warmed sub-equatorial ultra-polluted Metro Manila summer heat.  And being brain-deep-fried.
 
~

My sister just started her fourth year in med school.  She goes to UST-FMS.  Or, The Pontifical and Royal University of Santo Tomas, The Catholic University of the Philippines, and its med school, the UST Faculty of Medicine and Surgery.  It's the oldest university in Asia, with a pretty massive population (seriously; they choke up approximately five city blocks from their epicenter, in every direction, with their traffic) and their med school is the oldest in the country.  So big deal, etc. etc.  They didn't accept me, so I kind of hate them a little bit.  (My coursemates told me that maybe it's because I'm non-Catholic and I got my BS degree from Ateneo.  Booyah.  UST is unfair.  And also, maybe because I have no connections -- apparently the admin really, really pulls that legacy crap.  My friends might have just been trying to comfort me, of course.)     

From http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3043/3031887402_cd3af29f1e.jpg.  Not mine.


It looks nice, no? That's their main building.  BUT HEARKEN; THEY ARE AS ANTIQUATED AND POLITICS-RIDDEN AS THEIR 400-YEAR-OLD ARCHITECTURE MAKES THEM OUT TO BE. YES, UST, I AM CRITICIZING YOU.

I didn't start out by wanting to rant, however.  

So my sister, and her fourth year.  She's a clerk/junior intern now.  Praise God, I swear, because it costs a bomb to pay for her education and it's not like she's the most scholarly person I know (first thing she does when she gets home: sleep.  Then facebook.  Then she plays some computer games.  At around 11 pm, that's when she starts studying.  And she sleeps at 12.  She's insane[ly smart.]) so her grades have been in danger more than once.  
 
But fourth year, and hospital duty, and actual rounds.  Fun tiemz, probably.
 
She started last Saturday, and from what I understand, her schedule went a bit like this: April 16, pre-duty from 7 am to 7 pm.  April 17, duty from 7 am to 7 am of April 18, with a hygiene break from 5:00-7:00 pm on the night of April 17.  Then from 7 am to 2 pm of April 18, post-duty.  She goes home and gets an actual night's sleep one day out of three.  So 12 hours, a break, and then 30 hours on her feet, from now on.  Then the cycle repeats.  It must be the life, for my sister whose optimum level of functioning is maintained with a requisite 8 hours of shut-eye.
  
I told her she will now lead the life of the typical clerk.  Upon Googling, I realized that this means someone who is chronically deprived of sleep, time and money (she says she will begin to live on fast food from here on out), and basically at the bottom of the physician's food chain. 
 
Because today is the only day I've spent a significant amount of time around her, since Saturday, I took the opportunity to ask my sister (harass?) about hospital duty over tonight's dinner of dumplings, beef stew and pearl milk tea.  
 
(She came home from school with two giant tumblers of milk tea, because she knows how much I love them.  Even though she hasn't slept since Sunday afternoon and it was Monday evening already and she's the one who needs to be plied with lovely beverages.  ATE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH SOMETIMES. :D)
 
Anyway, so she has that complicated schedule, and she has to spend seven more days in the GI ward of the Internal Medicine department.  She says the junior interns have quarters and they can have McDo delivered up until the hospital lobby and in their downtime, all other junior interns are napping, studying Harrison's or doing paperwork.  My sister also said that today, they had a patient who was put under Q15 monitoring scheme, because she just came from a critical surgery and was chronically hypotensive.  The patient was 32 years old and had a daughter, and also Stage IV breast cancer and hepatic encephalopathy.  (I had to Google hepatic encephalopathy.  According to Wikipedia, it is "the occurrence of confusion, altered level of consciousness and coma as a result of liver failure.")  Q15 meant that my sister checked up on the patient every fifteen minutes, especially with the lady's unstable condition.
 
The patient died.  
 
And then my sister described the other departments, the other wards (CV, Hema-Onco-Rheuma, Pulmo, OPD, ER, OB, Neuro, etc.), where the crankiest residents were rumored to be (OB) and where the residents were supposedly the most elitist (Neuro).  I don't think she's had enough exposure to form an actual opinion on what clerkship is like, but I will ask her in the coming months.  It's an entire year of clerkship, after all.  
 
And so listening to her, it hit me, while I was being asked to wash the dishes that -- humans.  Capable of being so many things, but limited by our bodies so incredibly.  Do you see that?  Our university's graduating class valedictorian has three different major awards and this stellar career as a med student ahead of him and he was the president of an org and at the end of the day, we have to ask, does he still have a heart beat?  Mark Zuckerberg has billions at 26 years old and does he still have a heart beat?  The Philippine president managed to seal a deal with UN aid and does he still have a heartbeat?  Those Ph.D.s in school and their published researchers and do they still have heartbeats?  
 
At one point or another, we all end up in the hospitals.  After, or in the midst, of all these credentials and relationships and accolades we try to build up in our days of utmost health and vitality -- we all end up sick, sicker, sickest, in emergencies, in accidents -- dead.  Life will be the death of us.  People and life and death and hospitals.  It's like a concentrated corner of the human ecosystem, a marketplace, where we bargain for more time and push edges of what our bodies can handle and try to feel out new merchandise (skin, limbs, organs, blood, life).  There will be so many people and sick people and dead people.  My sister will be surrounded by them all year.   My sister will learn a lot.  
 
I'm pretty sure the 32-year-old patient had a lot of things going for her.  There would be people in the reverse isolation ward, with leukemia, who have lives outside of cancer, who are hoping to get back to it, who are wondering if they will be able to get back to it.  There are children who are getting treated for meningitis on their month away from school.  It's incredible that people can have all these things and lives outside, you know, the actual matter of their basic physiological processes, and that they have to pause their lives when they get sick to make sure that they're still alive tomorrow.  
 
Steve Jobs had to undergo surgery for pancreatic cancer, too.
 
I think what I find so stunning here is how, at the beginning of everything -- we are humans, are capable of accomplishing and doing and thinking so many things.  A constellation of possibilities.  And at the end of everything -- we are only humans, and limited in so many ways, constricted by the prescribed ways in which organ systems should function.  A template for finiteness.  
 
We will all need a doctor at some point.  I suspect that in the olden times, before there were doctors, they had to invent doctors.  (What?  [Yes; deep-fried brain, remember.])  I think we will always need doctors.  I think doctors get to deal with so much s*** on a daily basis, deal with the the split-hair edges of things that are deceptively simple but impossible to navigate.  Flat line/one with bleeps.  Critical/stable.  Life/death.  
 
Maybe this is what will make me sit up in lectures in med school, or try to absorb just that next bit of information, read further just one page.  The information learned from medical studies is currency for life.  It's going to matter some day very soon, I would think, and it's going to contribute to how much longer a person will get to live.  I mean --  doctors don't get to decide who lives and who dies, that's not what I'm saying.  But they will have knowledge on what can best kill a particular person, what can best allow another patient to live longer.  Or at least, the doctors ought to have that knowledge.  Because they studied it, because it was taught to them, because that information is vital.  
 
It will be such an adventure, learning how to help save people.
 
And, and at the end of the day.  I am human, and am only human.  I will try to attempt so many things, I will attempt to become a good med student and a good doctor and throughout I will be carrying out those dreams with my chronically under-rested and over-burdened body.  One day, being a doctor will kill me, for all the nobility of its objectives.  And I will end up in a hospital, most likely.  And I will think, maybe I can explain how I will die.  I think I know what's wrong with me.  But I will be unable to treat myself.  Or no one will be able to treat me.  And then I would've learned how to save people, and all those other things, but I am only human and so I would have to die.  
 
And somewhere else in the hospital a mother will give birth to a child.  
 
And it would be the beginning for that child, and she would be human and so capable of anything, and human and limited by everything.  She will begin to live and die at the same time, right as I end up finally, finally dead.  She will begin learning the first time she expands her lungs to breathe, when I and other dying people's brains will shut down.  
 
And that will be the piece of knowledge that will make most sense, after all.  
 
credit to yournamehere121

Help me think polytheism through, yeah?

The word 'pagan' does not have one incontestable definition.  Some definitions are pretty objective, i.e. this first one by The Free Dictionary: 1. An adherent of a polytheistic religion in antiquity, especially when viewed in contrast to an adherent of a monotheistic religion.  Some other definitions are bit less forgiving, i.e. the second one by the Merriam-Webster dictionary: 2 : one who has little or no religion and who delights in sensual pleasures and material goods : an irreligious or hedonistic person.  I was in church today, and one of our fellowship group facilitators talked about the origins of Christian holidays (again; the misplaced summer night birthday of Jesus Christ, which was supposedly rightfully a May day, has been revealed to me so many times, I don't really get surprised anymore).  And the word pagan kept on coming up.  

I kind of felt bad for it.  Sometimes people they say the word pagan like it's a bad thing, the worst thing ever.  
 
I know, I know that the first and greatest commandment is you shall have no other gods before me.  I agree.  I don't really have an explanation (although I would like one) for the existence of polytheistic religions.  I don't know how to think about it.  On one hand, I believe in the One God (the only God) and I think that ultimately, it's Him, a singular singularity point and also, He is infinite and mind-blowing in an endless number of dimensions, etc.    
 
I believe that there is a God, and that there's only one of Him.
 
I don't know, though, how some people can be born monotheistic and become practicing Hindis (or another polytheistic religion) at one point.  Do they refuse to believe that there is only one God and He stops existing for them?  And then they believe a whole pantheon from then on, and, what?  What happens to God, for them?  Where did the pantheon come from?  Do they think that deities are a matter of opinion?  That you can choose what to believe exists, that the moment you ditch your belief in Christianity, you erase the whole existence of God?

The built-in lifesaver reasoning to me, for example, is that I understand God to be this great, incomprehensible, ineffable and awesome Him, and if I choose to believe at one point or another, that He doesn't exist -- who would I think was being deluded?  Whose...burden of proof is more significant?  My opinion versus all that He possibly is?  It's absurd!  I mean, if He's the greatest, and I believed in that and knew that, and then I chose not to anymore, it's all a bit self-contained, isn't it, my convictions of atheism.  I choose not to believe in Him, but it's just in my head.  It'll always be for all I know.  And the odds are, that next to Him, I know peanuts.
 
But this is only my reasoning (that all God supposedly is cannot be debunked by my lifestyle choices, and therefore my lifestyle choices fail at life).  I guess for some others, who are practicing (practicing?) atheists, they make sense to themselves.  And I know those lot are intelligent humans, and maybe that's why they can argue, they think, God out of the picture.  (But only their picture.  Which is, on slow days, interesting to listen to being described.)  
 
The issue I wanted to bring up originally, though, was how to conceive of polytheism.  I've already explained my inability to reconcile ex-monotheism/reformed-polytheism and atheism with the handy ineffability of God.  But how else do I think of polytheism, then?  That it's wrong?  Even I understand that I can't be right (Christianity can't be right) just by saying everything else is wrong.  It's all a bit imperialistic.  Christianity can be very imperialistic (both in it's creed and context, where people enslaved other people To Make Disciples of Them) but I don't want it to be, and I'm trying to argue here that it shouldn't.  I hope it can just be obvious, or...to make sense, or to be this irrevocable truth for people who can't anymore refuse the evidence of grace -- where refusal would be like trying not to breathe.  (I exaggerate.)  My point is, belief in God has to arise like this clear and stellar concept for those who aren't Christians or Muslim/monotheistic, etc., yet.  It won't have to be forced on them.  Maybe there's this latent I-believe-and-love-God-ness in all people, just -- some aren't born into it, or hear the news only late, or never hear it at all, in favor of other callings.  But everyone, at the basest level, is monotheistic.  
 
What am I saying.  What I am saying, is, is that I don't want to say polytheism is wrong (what is wrong is true?) or that it is false (because that would mean I discredited all that polytheism possibly is in favor of my lifestyle choices -- which OK, you can see, is where I am caught red-handed like a sitting duck stealing from the cookie jar).  I don't.  I don't know what or how to think of polytheism.  I don't want to think of it as bad.  Just, maybe, false (false: contrary to fact or truth).  For me.  There, I said it!  I think polytheism is false, or is a bit false, or is -- not as true (true: fully in accordance with the state of affairs) as it could be.  I think polytheism is as false as atheism.  
 
I believe that, too.  
 
(I have alienated some thoughts and ideologies, as you can see.  I think it is the only way forward.)
 
But it can't be...mended, like I'm the plumber and civilization sprung a leak and I will go spread sealant over it, along with other beavering plumber-Christian types.  I don't want to think of polytheism as a mistake that has to be mended.  But I think it's false.  So something should be done about it.  But I, I don't even know how to frame it in my head, how to make sense of it, let alone do something.  (Atheism is simpler -- I can't make sense of it and make sense of anything else, therefore it is non-sense when viewed in the scheme of everything.)  But polytheism, I don't know what to say about it.  
 
(Seriously, where does the pantheon come from?  And that's it.)  
 
Of course it can always be argued that polytheistic tradition was a product of its time, its a particular brand of thought, etc., but then that would mean that all other religious traditions could be mere products of their time, and that would be saying that the paradigm of psychology contains and eclipses all of these different theologies and religions and it would be absurd, again, to call everything that theology and religion possibly are as something small enough to be incorporated into psychology.  So, no.  Polytheism is not just a product of its time.  Faith is a bit less relative than that.
 
As a child, I used to have the idea that if all the different religions were true, and they all had doomsday, we'd have different apocalypses which would happen at the same time.  So, like, a doomsday bazaar.  Oops, here's your Hellhole, gotta skip, I'm wanted over there by Jahannam, and if you're Zoroastrian, you wade the river, and so there's this massive metal river on one part of the world, while for the Hindis, their corner of the Universe starts contracting.  
 
It would be absurd.  And also, scary.  And it would be impossible.  But if the age is ending, impossible becomes irrelevant, right.
 
(This is why I aim to have a 9 to 5 job in the future, with weekend visits to my aging parents and vacations with a family.  Otherwise you'd be young and on summer vacation and possibly worrying which apocalypse party will be most hopping, and whether you'd be appropriately dressed for the occasion.)  
 
Whenever I hear the word pagan, it's always insulting, almost, like saying heathen.  And I know I've never had pagan directed to me, so I can't be insulted, but I think I'm insulted on the behalf of whoever the speaker had in mind.  Because insulting someone with the word pagan makes it seem so simple, and therefore, it's so simply deplorable, too.  But actually, it's confusing, and hard to reconcile with history (polytheism predates us monotheists, of course) and what ex-monotheists used to believe and with the prospect of precisely what all of creation is heading towards (a Big Crunch as small as a pinhead, a thousand more years in peaceful lockdown, Rapture, etc.); whether time is linear or cyclical, which many monotheistic and polytheistic religions will disagree on.  (Which is a pretty important question to think about, if you ask me).  I can't Google enough of the word to completely understand it.  Pagan.  Just because they don't believe in the One God doesn't mean they don't believe in anything.  Just because they're not me doesn't mean they're wrong.  
 
But still -- I think it's false, because there is only One God, but does that make monotheism imperialistic, and of course it does, but it's also true, and now, what should I think of paganism.  Should I just run with my Christian convictions and not mind if some of it peanuts?  Do I talk about polytheism to polytheists?  Should I just not use the word pagan at all?  
 
If you've reached this point -- what do you think? 
  
 
  
 
   
credit to yournamehere121

YAY

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credit to yournamehere121

Quiapo, On A Sunday Evening.

 
This evening, after dinner, my mom asked me to buy rice from a carinderia (a small, home-based eatery) down the street.  Our dog had to be fed, and sometimes my mom feels wasteful giving our dog the fair-trade organic red rice, or something, so she asked me to buy a single serving of white rice to feed Choco with, instead.  Choco should be grateful, especially since we give her people food apart from the dog food, but mostly she just whines at me when I don't feed her by 7 pm. 

So, going out to buy rice.  8:30 pm, in the more suburban areas of Quiapo (if those areas actually exist).  Now, I am nineteen and not at all an idiot, and am capable of commuting quite long distances, and in possession of working knowledge of the train system -- but I usually treat Going Down the Street as some sort of event.  I dress up in jeans, and sometimes wear a jacket, and I tie my hair in a severe bun and use sneakers when most people would be content in their sandos and puruntong shorts, or, for that matter, shirtless.  I don't know what it is about walking the streets that makes me so nervous.  Granted, it is Quiapo, which I guess is kind of the inner village of an inner city (although it's not as bad as the Pier area of Tondo) -- but I live down the street from a 7-11, an Iglesia ni Cristo church, a small parish for San Lorenzo Ruiz.  People here are homebodies and homeboys/girls.  Except when they're not, and there's a scuffle, and someone stabs someone who owes them a bit of money, with a kitchen knife.  
 
That has actually happened.  
 
However, for the most part, our area of Quiapo is more quiet than anything else.  Calm and residential and all that.  Of course you have Plaza Miranda as the site of the infamous bombings that partly triggered the 70's Martial Law, and the Villalobos street with it's Chinese merchants and noisy hagglers, and Quiapo market with it's touristy-ghetto goods and people coming from all over to try out straw hats, the DVD Mecca of Piracy where Muslim vendors try to outsell each other's wholesales, the side-streets which all lead to Chinatown or another unpretentious shop of odds-ends, and, of course, January 9's heart-attack-inducing Black Nazarene festival, which is always a hairsbreadth away from a stampede (and people have actually died there).  There's the mindless traffic of buses and jeepneys and the eternal stuffiness of super-saturated Manila smog hanging over everything -- but, for the most part, our street?  Pretty quiet.  
 
You have to believe me.  
 
But every time I find myself stepping out -- back straight, head bowed, shoulders completely set like a sack of potatoes, and a silent scuffling walk -- I feel like I have to be hiding from the world.  I don't make eye contact with anyone, although these people are supposedly my neighbors.  I am aways ready to break out in a run.  
 
That is probably not too strange, considering where I live.  
 
But is it really dangerous, I keep on thinking?  Should I really feel proud of my Mark Zuckerberg-as-portrayed-by-Jesse-Eisenberg walk, the robotic, people-don't-touch-me walk that I have absorbed through countless rewatches of the movie?  There are kids out in the street, below ten, playing pretty carelessly.  Sometimes I hear them playing ball at 12 in the morning.  They chant mean kid-bullying chants, but that is really neither here nor there.  There are other youths, people my age but I have never tried to relate to, or tried to talk with, or even know the names of.  They lean against cars and flirt with each other.  There are old men drinking under their awnings of galvanized iron, playing chess sometimes, bellies hanging out, shelling peanuts.  Sari-sari stores and people lounging in front and texting.  (Why do these things seem so vivid right now?)   They all have their own lives, and I shouldn't really look at every pedestrian whose face is half in shadow as a sort of potential mugger.  Should I?
 
I should try to walk more brightly, I think.  Next time.  Next time I decide to buy pan de sal, or buy Choco white rice, or, I dunno, explore one of Villalobos' trinket stores -- I should raise my chin up a bit, yes.  I will play Spring from the Four Seasons in my head instead of In the Hall of the Mountain King, as the soundtrack to my commute.  I will, at one point or another, stop clenching my fists so compulsively every five seconds.  
 
(Of course, I'll still be walking fast like I can't wait to get elsewhere.  I still live in Quiapo, after all, where sometimes loiterers get mugged and bystanders get run over -- I am not enough of a romantic to stroll.)
 
In the meantime, I will try to cope with my commuter's paranoia by writing about it on LJ and Googling various Baroque symphony selections for my commute soundtrack.  (Sometimes I wonder if everyone I meet on the street has as many useless turrets on the architecture of their thoughts as I do.  I think that's the part that I'm most worried about, that everyone else knows How To Be Street Smart when I face them on the street, and I worry that they know that I don't.  Idiot.)   
 
 
credit to yournamehere121

The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nhi…

1. The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock


S’io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, s’i’odo il vero,
Senza tema d’infamia ti rispondo.


LET us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherised upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats 5
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question … 10
Oh, do not ask, “What is it?”
Let us go and make our visit.

In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.

The yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes, 15
The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes
Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening,
Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains,
Let fall upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys,
Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap, 20
And seeing that it was a soft October night,
Curled once about the house, and fell asleep.

And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes; 25
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate; 30
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.

In the room the women come and go 35
Talking of Michelangelo.

And indeed there will be time
To wonder, “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?”
Time to turn back and descend the stair,
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair— 40
[They will say: “How his hair is growing thin!”]
My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin—
[They will say: “But how his arms and legs are thin!”]
Do I dare 45
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

For I have known them all already, known them all:—
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons, 50
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume?

And I have known the eyes already, known them all— 55
The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,
And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,
When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,
Then how should I begin
To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways? 60
And how should I presume?

And I have known the arms already, known them all—
Arms that are braceleted and white and bare
[But in the lamplight, downed with light brown hair!]
It is perfume from a dress 65
That makes me so digress?
Arms that lie along a table, or wrap about a shawl.
And should I then presume?
And how should I begin?
. . . . .
Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets 70
And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes
Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows?…

I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas.
. . . . .
And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully! 75
Smoothed by long fingers,
Asleep … tired … or it malingers,
Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me.
Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis? 80
But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
Though I have seen my head [grown slightly bald] brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet—and here’s no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker, 85
And in short, I was afraid.

And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while, 90
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: “I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”— 95
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say: “That is not what I meant at all.
That is not it, at all.”

And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while, 100
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor—
And this, and so much more?—
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen: 105
Would it have been worth while
If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,
And turning toward the window, should say:
“That is not it at all,
That is not what I meant, at all.”
. . . . . 110
No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use, 115
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous—
Almost, at times, the Fool.

I grow old … I grow old … 120
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

I do not think that they will sing to me. 125

I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.

We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown 130
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.
credit to yournamehere121

I am sorry to say that the movie "The Social Network" has taken up a bit of my life, yeah.

So I am drawing up this entry to try to process the things (feelings, thoughts, nebulae of opinions) on the movie and the media surrounding it, like it was a formative life experience and livejournal is a shrink who's patiently trying to get at the bottom of this.  I like to pretend sometimes.

The first of the issues I have with the movie is that I'd heard, read about it much earlier than I was able to watch it, and this might have affected my impression of it in the end.  Apparently it was well-written and well-made, and, according to a friend who watched it last October 2010 when it first came out, was inspiring in the way that made you sit up and take extra notice of your environment just in case there was an opportunity you were missing out on.  It made her want to do something brilliant as well, like Facebook.  Back then, though, I hadn't really been paying much attention to the movie because there was school and 2 hours watching something is usually too much for my attention span to experience.  However I read an article last January about the two main contenders for the Best Picture at the Oscars, and there it was, along with The King's Speech, and I thought, oh well, then it wasn't just Marion who sat up and took notice.  I eventually got a DVD copy of the movie in my hard drive and decided to watch it the first week of March.  I must've watched the trailer at least 15 times before I finally decided to watch the entire thing (I like watching trailers a lot; it feels like watching a movie, only for two minutes.  Perfect.)  And when I did, well.  It was okay, I thought.  Good musical score, I thought.  I find that the portrayal of Mark Zuckerberg left me wanting, but the potrayal of Eduardo Saverin was sympathetic and I was sympathetic to him and I had to Google what was up with the real Eduardo Saverin because I didn't want someone like him to end up out cold on the streets, contracted out of a company and a friendship and a masthead.  And, well, in general, I was left feeling weakly frustrated.  

The general frustration, I've come to realize, stems from my dissatisfaction with the dramatic portrayal of Mark Zuckerberg.  Clearly.  I've been a fan of Mark Zuckerberg since...2007, I think, and I admire him and I think he's smart.  Not as cute as Sergey Brin, but OK.  (Kidding?  Half.  Sort of.  I really, do, have a crush on Mr. Brin.)  He was up there in the list of people I admired, along with Isaac Newton, Elon Musk and the aforementioned half of the Google Guys.  When I heard that there was going to be a movie made about facebook, I was like, ok.  It's not that I wanted to find out how facebook happened, because I'm not too into facebook in the first place.  I admired Mark Zuckerberg for being the main inventor of it, but it was more because I was impressed by the magnitude of what facebook is than what it actually does.  And anyway, I'd long since read the wiki on Mark Zuckerberg and the history of the site.  I didn't need a movie to confirm it for me, I thought.  
 
So when they make a movie of Mark Zuckerberg, and he's portrayed as some sort of mechanical-talker with just this range of facial expressivity (not a word, but it shall do), and just the sort of coding nerd that obviously makes sense for Hollywood, I think, well, that's a bit unfair.  I've heard the guy talk, he doesn't talk that fast, nor does he enunciate as well as Jesse-Eisenberg-as-Mark (JEAM).  The real Mark Zuckerberg can also grin for all he's worth, unlike move-Mark who seems incapable of getting the corners of his mouth past the first canine.  I don't know what symbolism they're trying to go for, of course.  I just found it infuriating (too strong a word?) that movie-Zucekrberg obviously had to create facebook to compensate for his pathetic social life when, maybe from the perspective of the actual-Zuckerberg he was coding to code, building this site to build something cool, and nothing else.  Why does it have to go back to a girl and rejection and a break-up?  
 
(I've seen and greatly enjoyed The Pirates of Silicon Valley.  I liked it because it was about...innovation, and cutt-throat, apparently mild-mannered, tech-savvy backstabbing, a juxtaposition of the characteristics of the company and the people who started them [and I think being Steve Jobs is an art form in the first place] and I didn't have initial impressions of Bill Gates or Steve Jobs to compare against the dramatic portrayals, so I didn't think I was being deceived when I watched the actors act them out onscreen.)
 
But I also found myself directly disliking movie-Zuckerberg.  I disliked him because I thought he was a farce of the actual man, first; and then I disliked him because he was one half of the relationships he had with other people (duh) who, for the life of me, I couldn't understand to be in a relationship with movie-Zuckerberg in the first place (Saverin, Erica Albrecht [?]; we are shown no law of reinforcement in effect, no this is why they are in a relationship with Mark Zuckerberg, because he can be very [redeeming quality here] sometimes; and I cannot understand how someone can write off Thorndike, Pavlov, Skinner that way), and it was not believable to me.  I wasn't grasping the greater Meta Text or whatever.  And, then, I also disliked him because of the way he treated movie-Eduardo. 

So, aha.
 
After all this, I thought -- at least the character is making me feel something, even if all I mostly have is incomprehension towards the general laying-out of the relationships and behaviors movie-Mark has with everyone.  And I kind of resent him for doing that to Eduardo.
 
So I am mildly infuriated with the movie and mildly repulsed by the portrayal of Mark Zuckerberg and generally impressed by the accolades and positive critical reviews of the movie, which only served to indicate that maybe I was missing something, but thank goodness I don't have to judge these award thingies.  My single most favorite part of TSN was the initial coding of facemash during the first fifteen minutes.  Fast and set to techno music and it looks a like a prodigy at the piano and I really was provided, in terms of production, with a whole lot of over-lapping scenes and voice-over blogging to appreciate.  But all in all?  Frustrating.  
 
And then, I Googled (never facebooked!  I never facebook but I Google!  [ILU, Mr. Brin and Page]) the actors who starred in the film, Jesse Eisenberg and Andrew Garfield.  And apart from thinking that Andre Garfield is beautiful and Jesse Eisenberg has nice skin, I also realized that, well, they're actually kind of adorable (look up: Jewnicorn).  
 
And apparently, there is a fandom out there which keeps on slashing them together the way fangirls did Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto when Star Trek 2009 came out.  
 
So, long story short -- after one night of incessantly clicking through tumblr blogs, I was convinced that these two actors were cute together and clearly had to be slashed.  
 
And then after some more nights of watching cast interviews and behind the scenes videos, I became convinced that I needed to read fanfiction (yes, yes, I know; so 2010) about the actors, which is this phenomenon called RPF, and something I don't often dabble in.  
 
On one hand, my fairly sane analysis of the Mark-Eduardo-everyone-else dramatic portrayals in the movie which left me wanting, and on another hand, this gratuitous, slightly-unhinged uncritical slashing together of two real people out there who are, as we speak, continuously participating in long-term relationships with girlfriends they've had since...a couple of years ago, and working on separate movie projects on separate locations and maybe, even studios -- and when you try to reconcile these two frames of mind, eventually something has to give, either your brain or your self-possession, and as is apparent right now, it turns out that I have to talk it out on my lj like this is therapy.
 
Zuckonit.livejournal.com.  I wish I could create something like facebook while simultaneously processing my feelings out on an lj entry the way actual- and movie-Mark apparently did, in 2003.  

(Which would mean that a movie is my ex.  Wow.) 
 
And on top of everything, I feel frustrated that The Social Network didn't win Best Picture at the Oscars, even though this is a completely illogical thing to feel.  I haven't even seen any of the other movies nominated, including The King's Speech.  I didn't even watch the Oscars.  I don't even watch movies.  And I didn't even like The Social Network that much, I think. 
 
I still keep thinking that I should, maybe, be more impressed with it, though.
 
And I keep on reading these fics where Andrew and Jesse are apparently in love with each other behind our backs (/eyes/flimsy veils of logic).  
 
(At least I've never read fanfiction where Bill Gates and Steve Jobs get together?  I'm pretty sure it exists, but I like their current marriages so far.)
 
So right now I am steadily going through every single page of this lj comm where movie-Mark/Eduardo and Andrew/Jesse are slashed.
 
I have fanmixes saved in my hard-drive.  
 
I have also, predictably, read the entire tvtropes page on The Social Network to cultivate a more amicable attitude towards the film.
 
I have also begun to call it a 'film' rather than a 'movie.'  I don't think I'm a good watcher of either (both?) though.
 
And I have just finished downloading the Collector's Edition of TSN and I have watched all the behind the scenes footage and am now going to, methodically, watch it with the director's (David Fincher') commentary, the scriptwriter's (Aaron Sorkin) commentary, and the cast (Hammer, Timberlake, Garfield, Jones, Eisenberg, Mara. Pence, etc. etc.) commentary, and then the entire movie again, without commentary or subtitles, for good measure.  
 
...I know.  I am trying to look for the transition, the pivot point, as well.
 
I am now just largely confused by my feelings towards it (the filmovie, the fandom), more impressed by it (the filmovie, not the fandom), invested in it (the fandom) and still a Mark Zuckerberg IRL fan.  
 
Not IRL Eduardo Saverin, though.  Just as one article said, actual-Mark might have eventually squeezed his best friend Eduardo out of the company, but it was because the latter was making bad business moves and in the end, he turned out to be the kind of best friend who would go to Ben Mezrich (who wrote The Accidental Billionaires, which the TSN screenplay is adapted from) to slam his ex-best friend.  
 
Which, as unflattering as it was, presumably, to IRL Mark Zuckerberg, allowed us to consume the TSN film.
 
Which, as it is, is well-made, well-written and can make you sit up and take notice, if only to scratch your head in confrustration.
 
...I, I dunno.  These are my circuitous nebulae of opinions. 
  
[Probably not the end.]
 
credit to yournamehere121

A list of links that will serve people in the event of a natural disaster.


Inspired by the recent triple-whammy on Japan (earthquake-tsunami-nuclear-reactor-leak) last May 13, 2011, inasmuch as those events can "inspire" anything.  Because clearly, knowing about the scientific explanations for the earthquakes, tsunamis, etc. will help in the event of one.

(Cue that part in HP book 1, Sorcerer's Stone, when Ron, Hermione and Harry get trapped by this choking plant thing on their way to meet the three-headed dog, Fluffy [was it Fluffy?].  Hermione goes all, "I know what this is called!  Devil's Snare!"  And Ron goes, "That's nice, but how do we stop it from killing us?")

(I'm being sarcastic; I wish sometimes that information could save lives in those situations, the way it does in medicine.  But it doesn't.  Medicine is brilliant enough as it is, and I guess we'll make do with that kind of life-saving information, in the meantime. [For something so important, life is almost tragically fragile, isn't it.])
  • List of natural disasters throughout history - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_deadliest_natural_disasters
  • Some of the disasters China's suffered (one of those most prone to it, apparently -- and of course, with their population count, their death tolls tend to be record-breaking as well) - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1931_China_floods; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Chinese_Famine; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1976_Tangshan_earthquake 
  • The 2004 Indian ocean tsunami - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2004_Indian_ocean_earthquake
  • Last year's Haiti earthquake - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2010_Haiti_earthquake
  • Epidemics we've suffered throughout history (I found out today that a pandemic is when an epidemic goes international; why is this new information? D:) - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_epidemics
  • APPARENTLY THE DEADLIEST NATURAL DISASTER IN HISTORY: the Black Death, or the bubonic plague - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_Death.  Seriously a 100 million deaths, guys, over three centuries.
  • A general list of epi/pandemics the world has experienced - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_epidemics
  • What, exactly, is a tropical cyclone? - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tropical_cyclone
  • Killer heat waves - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2010_Russian_heat_wave#Russia
  • Limnic eruptions, the existence of which is new to me - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limnic_eruption
  • The megathrust earthquake, which is scary-sounding - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Megathrust_earthquake

And there.  I know those are all Wiki articles, but I still take them seriously.  I sometimes don't know how to understand the futility of life, when these sorts of things happen.  

I leave you with the Bible verse that Harry and Hermione found on the tombstone of his parents, when they went back to Godric's Hollow in Deathly Hallows: 1 Corinthians 15:26 - The last enemy to be conquered is death.