surlaterrasse

It always seems odd for me, when I go back and read an entry months before. I either vaguely remember or not at all, but then again with the context of most of these posts, it is probably for the best. The only constant is hope. Well, that and pain.

So what's new this time? Well, my last post was about the beginning of Katherine and this post is about the end. An end that I don't understand. Normally there is a reason, or at least something that I could put my finger on, even if I don't like it. She tells me that she had fallen out of Love with me months before, but since then she has just been pretending and going through the motions that I she thought were necessary for me not to know what was going on. Either she did a dam good job, or there was something else. Something that she couldn't be honest about. Something that it would be better to lie and tell me she was behaving poorly and is not right in the head. I guess either way she has the latter part right.
There is a change though. I no longer have to be a slave to my emotions. I am beginning to understand my human condition; that there are thoughts, feelings, behaviors and a connectedness with the world around me; that which passes through me and that is in me, and I am not exempt from any of it; good, bad or indifferent. The only potential control I do have is how I react to life’s circumstances. I feel sorrow because I no longer possess the joys of her affections, but yet I don't feel lost because I haven't thought it a worthy cause to cast aside hope I miss her because I knew what it was like to hold her, to kiss her, to Love her, but I am not empty because Love I could not have fallen if I had never climbed, and although the fall hurts, there upon high, I did have a moment in the sun, to behold the beauty and of Love.

I don't usually have an issue with depression that lasts this long, but then again, I'm always trying to forget all the bad. I guess it has just been a while. I really don't have anything pressing that I can see would be causing it. Of coarse what do I know, who am I? Everything has gone completely down hill the last month or so. I'm really not sure if I'm going to complete my schooling this semester. I'm not doing so well with all the holiday stuff. I miss the old days and family. I wish I could my Isabella. I know that this is all a process, but it doesn't stop the pain. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up, at least for a month or so. Maybe spring time, like a bear. Why not? That's how I feel. 
      This whole thing with Kit has really messed my mind up. I pretend that it hasn't, but I know that it has. I'm even sure what happened. I almost feel foolish for falling in Love like I did. I couldn't help it though. Something magical, cosmic, beyond anything else that I've ever felt. It was real, very real. I'm just not sue why it happened and if it means something or will. The whole time thing and waiting for things unseen makes it all way to confusing for me. It only accentuates my insecurities and fears. I want to let go and chalk it off as, "well what ever".  Of course it's always easier said than done. I just don't want it to be wrong, or just a passing relationship like a shooting star in the night. She lights up my heart. She is my sun, my morning star, my breath of life.  I  am her moon, the sexy voiced knight...hahaha! I know I'm being obsessive now. I guess it's just that this depression has moved me away from others, the necessary thing to keep these feelings at bay (distraction).  
     I feel like I am going to explode. I just hope that it isn't the way I used to, booze. The thing is, it makes complete sense and absolutely no sense all at the same time. My sleep has been put on hold, I'm lonely and cold. I feel like i'm trapped in a well, and there's no way out. Although I know there is, I know that It isn't me, but only through help will I be rescued from this pit, this hell, that I've fallen in.

     Discipline. Lately everything has been going my way or has been easily adjustable so that I can get what I want. It feels good, but has made me lazy and able to procrastinate. The old idea that I should'nt say anything in fear that it will change doesn't frighten me any more. I know that no matter what I can make it through all things. Maybe it's a good thing, with everything coming up: school, work, practicum, Isabella (maybe), and good old life has a way of changing things up a bit. I need to always remember where I came from and where I am at now, there's been  quite a profound change.
     Softball is over, we lost and came in second. Interestingly enough, I really don't care that we lost. I feel just the same as if we had won. It was more of an outlet for me to try my best, get over fear, and be disciplined at bat and on the mound. I guess that contridicts what I had said before. Maybe it's just one thing at a time for me.
     I'm not really sure what direction things are heading in with Jenny. I'm hoping that everything is back to normal, but as disturbed human beings, we thing we can change others. I just hope she doesn't get hurt. She is a wonderful and loving person.

     I'm pretty excited about playing on the worship and prayer team for the New hope chapel. Honestly I feel it is easier and less is expected of me. Our aim is to praise God and allow him to use us to serve others. I'm also excited to be part of a church, it is the first time. I hope and pray that this is where i am supposed to be and God will use me and for a greater purpose. That as i grow in the Lord and the ministry that I would become part of a great whole and begin relationships with new family members. Funny though, I have become part of a great whole with A.A. and the more I look at the church and A.A., I'm not sure that it match up with AA. I know it doesn't sound right, but AA "requires" the change that is necessary to over come addiction, a change that is revolutionary and for most is an option as a "church goer". I know that those that are committed to God are certainly able to reach a greater plain, for they are the ones God has chosen to bare witness of God's love and healing power. Maybe that's where I will come in, with a continuing message of truth. LOVE is the greatest of all things and God has blessed me with the knowledge and wisdom of this His greatest commandment.
     Sheba's kittens are five weeks old now and becoming part of my life. The longer they are here, the more painful it will be to give them away. Some part of my brain is telling me that i am going to keep one, but i know that's just wishful thinking. Sheba's driving me crazy with all her meowing, over and over again...i keep telling her "meow one more time lady and I'm gonna eat you"...lol...Well i feel bad cause I'm not sure why she is crying so much and i don't have the heart to throw her out of the room or yell at her, she's just a kitty her self. I guess we'll have to see with the kit-kits.
     School starts in 2 more days. I'm excited about that. I have this feeling that everything is gonna be alright, but this time instead of saying, I mean mean it.
     A few big things i need to take care of this winter before the new year: get my teeth fixed, see a doctor, quit smoking, start a healthy routine - food and exercise, and of coarse balance within all this. should be fun.

     Some times the madness is welcomed, but there is still a big part of me that is not sure what will come of it. Obviously I'm not talking about drinking, because that i would be certain of the outcome - pure hell! I want to write. I want to paint. I want to play piano. I want to write songs and sing them as well.  There's so much that's passing me by, mostly time I guess. I dont want to look back and see all that i have failed to do. It's the same reoccurring thing, omission. Smoking really bothers me and at times seems like the one major thing that stands in the way of my freedom. I'll be more alive or maybe thats just a nice way of saying insanity. which abso leads to creativity, just look at the world around us. Painters and musicians, this mad realm of addiction that lends it self to another world, one that ever body's trying to get at.
acting/movies/drama, another passion. I wonder what my obsession with the arts are? Is it something I really crave or something I just made a mockery of through years of searching for happiness. I liked the sound of a dead leaf being stepped on....crackle...really magical, kind of like fireworks.
     I know I have "it", even though she says I don't. Or is it just an illusion? does it not exist or does it, but no one can ever really reach it? and even when we see other who seem to have it, is it just an illusion of fear? emotionalism? comfort? release  and let go. where is my mind? where does it want to go? why does it want to go there? who or what is there anyhow? it seems like only after crossing the line can you access whats on the other side, but then i guess the problem is that you are on the other side. is there a balance? is it a monster? it feels so closely related to my addiction. or is it or are they, one of the many things I tried to fill the void, and subsequently they are attached at the hip? can they be separated, or is it like conjoined twins? one cannot live with out the other?...hmmm...thats something to ponder - "can one not live without the other"?
     There needs to be a coexistence in order for each other to have power, or else "it" would just BE!
     break - cigarette and cofee
     Oh ya I turned 30. of coarse it didnt phase me in the least bit. I still feel young, although what is old anyhow? I guess I'll find out if I make that far down the red road.
     I have this problem with caring what others think, but in a much different way than people pleasing. It's internal, and never seen by others, for my own viewing. Randomness is gone, although it may seem  like its not, it is. Im seeing things my eyes and not my heart, when it comes to art. whats perfect anyhow?  I guess its what I want to see. not what i actually see. its my world, right? cant it have all the peaks and valleys i want? blue, red, yellow, purple, green, black? Let go? rethink? step back? at ease soldier.
     I guess im still storing up happy thoughts, the seasons may change, but mine may not. Why would I think about things I dont want to do? lol...i guess that was a silly question, but maybe not...why do I always compare my addiction thinking to my everything else thinking? some are related, but it doesnt seem that ALL could be connected. How do I separate them? once again, do they only exist because the other does? whats the answer, or is there one? is this just all random and never ending, and for what does it matter?
     School starts next week, 2nd semester. its a process.  the important part is im on the road and not necessarily the destination. 

    Phew!!!!   what a long weekend. work, work, school, work, work, oh and cursillo - really good stuff. Arlene lived this weekend. It was nice to see her out side of this place. It will be better when things are different, with regards to living here and the stigma of being a client. But I am very grateful for the house, loving friends, sobriety, and more than anything the spirit of God that presides over me!!!
     I am soooooo tired and my back is killing, but none of it is ever as bad as it was when i was drinking. I used to get so sick that when it felt like I was going to die, I welcomed it. Everything that surrounded my active alcoholism was painful. My thoughts were sooo crazy. I had such resentment and anger my chest was always on fire, a gnawing constant pain. My relationships were completely gone. 
     Today is a new day, the day that the Lord has made.

It returned to this letter, which obviously was unfinished. So the date is wrong....will have to go back and figure out when she lived cursillo.

       Oh of coarse I'm not really consistent with anything, hence my lack of faithfulness in LJ...sorry...lol... The thing is that is it really good for me. Not only am I able to get out exactly what I'm thinking, but it is also a great way to look at my growth.
       So much has happened since I last spoke with you. I went to court for visitation for Isabella and my impressions are that soon I will see Isabella. The judge was fair and Andrea didn't try and fight me this time. I guess she really doesn't have much ground to stand on, and the judge commented on her case. It doesn't look good for her, but I am here for Isabella regardless and always will be.
       Started my new job at Norcap!!! The detox part it is more rewarding than the cottage, but I guess they both have there advantages, and it's also a new job. I realized today that one of the reasons I really like it, is that the clients are only there from 3-7 days, just long enough to be of service, but not long enough to get to know somebody. Still something I need to work on, but then again I thought it might be just right for me, making it easier to detach, but still effective to God's children.
         there are only 4 more weeks of school!!! Although I am starting to really like the teachers and my class mates more and more, hopefully most of them will be there next semester.
       ohhh so tired ....a double tomorrow. Well Good enough for now. God bless and praise God for all his wondrous works and undying love. :-)

I have a headache, I'm going to take Tylenol first...ok...I have probably taken more Tylenol in the last 5 days, since I've gotten my glasses,  than a have in a year. My headaches are dull, but I guess I'm just getting used to having them.
          I had a pretty good day. I got a call from an agency that got my resume from another agency, so I didn't know who or what I was going for an interview for. It was alright. It is a per diem job and nothing is final. It's a family resource center that helps homeless people find work, housing, and keeps them stable until they can move out on their own. I thought it might be a good educational experience. The woman liked me a lot, but what woman doesn't like me a lot...lol...
            I have to work all weekend, and go figure, the one week end I was hoping to get off, so I could go see Alexis, I got even more work. Even though I know you will probably read this, Lexi (lol), I will still be as honest as I can. She (you...lol) are wonderful to talk to and I think it will be great to come up and visit, it has been a really long time. If there's anyone I think I will be able to just have fun, laugh, and relax with, it is her. :-)
          I spent several hours writing palanca (spanish for lever) and only got 2 letters done. My perfectionism was in full bloom, I can only imagine if i didn't pray before. It started me crying, thinking about the joy there is in finally finding your true self in the Lord and the Love that surrounds you. I had to think back at my own experience, to get a good feeling of how these men are going to feel. All I could think about was seeing that picture of Isabella and how I was shaken so bad, that i fell to my knees crying. Again I thought about how wished she would have been there. I played out a scene of Sue having her at a walmart and Joyce recognized her from the pictures. Some how Joyce convinced Sue to bring her to the closing. I held her in my arms and cried and cried and never wanted to let go. There were tears of joy, but the feeling was also bitter sweet because It was just a day dream. I must have cried for a good twenty minutes or so. My eyes are red and swollen from crying so much this evening. I haven't cried this much since dad and Nick died. At least they were happier tears. Not only is it the court date coming up, but the Andrea "thing" that has me thinking of Isabella more than usual. I not really worried, just anticipating her arrival. Oh what a happy day that will be.                  
              It nice that I can experience feelings like this and have them be just what they are, feelings, and feelings don't have to dictate my actions on the larger scale. They don't consume me or overwhelm. Praise God!!!

I had a great  day. I went to Jay and Joyce's and then Shela's to make palanca for cursillo. I have been waiting since I lived my weekend to be part of others experiences. My own cursillo was wonderful. I couldn't imagine what was going to happen and frankly it wouldn't have matter, because I couldn't have guessed it. Except for by a miracle Bella would have been there, but I know it is to come and it is the result of experiences like cursillo. 

        I was fine until I got home and I couldn't find my phone, hopefully it is in Cedric's car. I'll find out in the morning. So, I did my normal routine, log on to face book. Rachael was on and told me that Andrea had finally accepted her friend request from about a year ago. Which is kind of strange, because I just took down my request for her FB friendship. We talked for a while about her and I told her about what has been going on, at least what the newspapers and the internet report, concerning the hit and run. I hate this feeling. The first week I found out I was sick all week. I was surprised I didn't throw up, and I ate a million tums. As much as has gone on, especially with her not  letting me see Bella, I still hope against hope It's not true. I am grateful I can say that today. The sad part is I don't know how this didn't happen to me, the whole situation was more my M.O. But I guess each person lives their lives and each person's consequences are different. This also effects Isabella, and the direction that my life will head in. I wanted Isabella in my life at some point, but this might bring things forward more rapidly. 
         I loved Andrea and I hated her. And so revisiting feelings and thoughts tonight made me sick. I don't even know what it is that bothers me so much. I can't ever imagine being with her again, and If I never had to see her again, that would be fine too. It's not that I hate her, at least anymore, It's that I can't deal with her hate. It makes me either sad, sick, or angry, and I can't afford to have that in my life. It is like poison. I do pray that maybe some day she will have a change in heart and want to live life. Full of peace and love. That she would let go of all the pain and heartache life has caused, especially the hurt that I inflicted. I don't think she was always like that or maybe would have never acted that way if it weren't for me and my selfish and destructive behavior, or maybe it would have. I guess I just feel that my part will never be seen in my eyes as acceptable, no matter what she was like. Rachael told about the number on her FB, but it was the same bad number from over a year ago. She told me I should try and call, I did, but hung up when the person answered. I wasn't sure if it was her or not. So, I called back again and asked if she was there, and the lady said I had the wrong number. I'm not sure what the point of me calling was, except I really want to know what's going on - the who, what, where, when, why, and how of everything concerning Isabella.
          Court is in late March for visitation, about 2 months away. I wonder if she will show up or some thing will change in the investigation, rendering her unavailable. I just want to move on with my life, and I want it to include Isabella. I will never give up on her!!! Praise God!

LOL...I love when I crack my self up, and usually it's when I do something that if a "normal person" saw (what ever that is) they would look at me like I was crazy. It's when I feel my happiest, because nobody or anything can bring me down. I love uncomfortable situations, the more other people feel weird, the better it is. I guess I've realized that others opinions of how I should react to a situation or certain ideas don't matter. Why should I feel awkward because you do? I'm so tired of not feeling good, I refuse to let others dictate how I should feel. I've grown up and it feels good :-) Today is the greatest day of my life!!! 
         I remember being young and constantly an emotional wreck. Never knowing where I was going or why, but just set on auto-pilot. I'm not sure if I had any dreams, hopes or aspirations. I just wanted to be happy in that moment and spent every bit of energy trying to satisfy that craving. But the truth was I didn't have it in me or I was so rapped up in self that I was unteachable. Being young and ignorant, I figured I knew everything or at least could figure it out on my own. I found that the more time and effort I spent, and failing, the more hopeless my efforts became. Alcohol - warmth, laughter, love and affection, drowning my fears away and being filled with confidence (even if it was faulty), everything that choked the breath of life from me was gone and finally I breathed a sigh of relief - a temporary solution to a permanent problem. I couldn't drink for ever or all the time. But there was that drive to feel as I once did, or at least block the constant flood of insane psycho babble my brain insisted on issuing. Glory be to God
         I think I'm finally ready to fall in love again...lol...lol...lol...I must still be a little crazy :-)

I'm still having trouble sleeping. I'm not sure what it is. Maybe I've just geared myself toward getting necessary rest for the brain. At least that still seems to be working alright.
         I got eye glasses today. I've always thought I would never need any special care for anything or even an aging device, but clearly I was young and ignorant. I can see a lot better and they kind of have a buddy holly coolness to them. Of coarse being able to see is good, but if you can infuse style, that's even better. I still have this quirky way about my self. I will spend every minute I have, when going out somewhere I deem important,  to get ready. If my out fit doesn't match it will bother me the whole evening, and may even cause me to sweat unnecessarily. My hair needs to be perfect, a spray or 2 or 3 so i smell good, shine the my shoes, lint roll everything, ironing jeans and collars/shirts. I've become more and more obsessive compulsive/perfectionist. When other people don't do things right, and yes often times the way I do something will be the right way, I get bothered, although  I am getting better with that. I work better by myself, unless the person I'm working with is a teacher. Maybe that's how I should look at things, that i can teach others, but also being mindful of not seeming haughty. On the other hand if I'm not doing anything special, just hanging out, I am fine. I can get as dirty as they come. I'm very chill and always willing to think out side the box. Hmmm, what is this strange  change...Dr. Jekyll and Mr.Hyde. I guess there is this pressure to perform and excel. I want to be on top in everything I do. I seem to be constantly struggling with balance. It's good to want to achieve and it's good to succeed. On the other hand relaxing and just feeling the breeze across your face is bliss. One day at a time.