Walking the Middle Way

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The biggest positive life change I've made in the last five years was deciding to lose this excess weight and exercise. I've been on my program since last June, and have lost 25 pounds so far. That does not seem like much- but I chose to make the loss gradual in order not to trip my body's panic button, which diets tend to do.

It's working. I am in better shape than I have been in a couple of decades, and am about half way to my goal. I have been religious about going to my gym, and go three times a week. Next thing will be finding a yoga class that takes klutzes. That'll be a challenge.

I have also been slowly decreasing my debt and increasing my savings. This has been slower going, since no one has gotten any raises for several years due to tight budgets. But I never turned off the taps into my investments, and they're finally re-expanding to their previous levels. I may get back to debt-savings parity before the end of this year.

I still haven't yet worked up the courage to go to the VA and get the disability they owe me. This is proving to be more difficult than I thought. That is my biggest negative, and no one seems to understand how horrifying it truly is for me.

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I'll admit right here and now that I am a cat person. I understand them, I speak their language, and they tend to like me.

I tolerate dogs, but admit that I am a little afraid of them. Especially the larger ones. I could probably get over that, but it would be difficult for me to get used to some of the sounds they make, or some of their habits. Dogs require more and different attention than cats do.

So, on my own, no I would not have a dog. If a partner came along with a dog, well, I'd have to be very attracted to that person, and their dog would have to at least be polite to me, as I would be to the animal.

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This question is flawed. It presumes that 'artists'- be they actors, visual or musical or otherwise- are less intelligent than those who are wrapped in academia.

Not true.

Artistry is its own genius. I envy people who can take a jumbled room and turn it into something that can uplift the soul and delight the eye- same for those whose dance, design, artwork, acting, music or writing can do the same thing.

I can't do any of that. I can write, true, but I do not have a designer's eye. Sure, I can grasp a computer and network system and tease out the problem in minutes- but I can't draw to save my life. Or sing. Or compose music (although I do intend to fix that when I get a MIDI keyboard). Or get on a stage and tell a story with my voice and body. Sure, I was taught some of that, but it never 'caught'.

I'm a Geek, a Nerd, a Techie. Some might say that I am an 'intellectual genius'- they sure told me that when I was in school, although my parents ignored them and their pleas to advance me. I know that I am good at what I do, and very capable of learning more, since I learned how to learn and am essentially an audo-didact.

I have a decent career. Sure, it isn't high-flying or high-paying, but that was mostly my choice. I believe that I have both a profession (what I do for a living) and a vocation (what I do for myself). My vocation is more artistic and 'impractical' (at least for earning a living) than my profession is. Often, my profession eclipses my vocation, leaving me too tired to properly pursue it.

But I am working on making changes. In this decade, I am going to work towards independence- and a balance between my vocation and profession. I want to learn how to compose and mix music- something that has interested me for a long time.

My 'intellectual genius' life has been relatively satisfying. It's had its rough patches, but at least I am employed and have desirable skills. I am a generalist who specializes in computers. A paradox, yes- but a good one. One's life is only as good as one makes it- no matter what path is followed.

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That's an interesting and provocative question, because it tends to hit me square in the middle this time of year.

I'm a solitary person by nature. I do have friends- very good ones- even ones who call or come looking for me if I go 'off-grid' unexpectedly. But for the most part, I am content with my own company. With the exception of said friends, this puts me squarely into 'oddball' territory.

I have relatives who simply do not understand this. They believe that there is something 'wrong' with me because I have chosen to remain single, and not have children. It saddens me that they feel this way, and we have rarely spoken because of that.

I realize that I live in a coupled-up world, and that I am more an exception than a rule. Both my father and my sister have new sweethearts, and they both gabble on and on about them at length. I get bored and walk away, or even leave if I'm not in my home. I haven't even met these people yet. My sister wants to 'set me up'. She thinks that the 'right guy' will fix my problems. Thing is, I don't perceive that I have a 'problem' at all.

I've seen many more bad relationships than good ones. My parents had a rocky marriage. My sister was divorced. I've watched colleagues get entangled, then distangled from bad relationships. And sadly, I'm zero for two in that field as well. I even did the 'runaway bride' thing- at least I was perceptive enough to see the trap before it was sprung.

As for kids, 6.9 billion 'little miracles' are quite enough. I do not need to have offspring, because I don't have or want to leave a legacy. Or a mess. I am not here to have kids. And I knew that from the time I was a kid.

The holidays can be difficult because it seems like kids and intimate relationships are the major emphasis. I keep the TV off most of the time, and stay out of the stores unless I actually need something. I do go to gatherings, and even host them. But I am sharply aware that this is a 'family' time of year, and my 'family' consists of me and my two cats. But I don't have to deal with the pressure of gift giving and family dynamics- those things that made the holidays a nightmare when I was a kid. I don't have to decorate, I don't have to be artificially cheerful, and I don't have to work my butt off making the holidays 'merry' for unappreciative relatives who judge my every move.

I get told that I haven't met the 'right' person yet. I am sure that there are plenty of 'right' people, but as I get older, I feel less and less like looking. Perhaps 'right' is really a myth. I know that there is no 'perfect' partner, but I won't settle, either. And being older means that the shine wears off quickly- if it is even there in the first place. I'm not as bamboozable as I was 20 or 30 years ago. I'm a 'self-rescuing princess'. I have tools.

Do I feel ostracized? No. I choose not to feel that way. Why add to the misery of the cold and dark with that nonsense. My cats love me. And I am liked by my friends and family, as well. They might not understand if I choose to decline the ordeal of a holiday dinner with two smoochy-faced couples, but that's their problem, not mine.

[Error: unknown template qotd]Well, yes, of course- they're people like the rest of us. They need downtime, too.

Being 'famous' in whatever capacity that might be is not permission to be stalked, harassed, spied upon, wiretapped, chased, or photographed constantly. Yes, the public sidewalks are public, and anyone outside is fair game for someone with a telephoto lens, but homes and certain events are not.

I was made aware of how fragile and precious privacy was when part of my job was to enroach upon it in a 'previous' life. Part of my job required me to test and monitor voice-level phone lines for signal quality and proper use. And yes, I eavesdropped on some very intimate conversations. I intercepted intimate electronic messages, too. And I saw photographs taken with surveillence gear that would have outraged anyone who knew it existed. That was in the 80s. Things are even more sophisticated today.

Privacy is precious. We all need that downtime- whether we are famous or not. We need to have at least the illusion of privacy. But in reality, it truly is an illusion today. I assume that I am being photographed, miked, and observed pretty much everywhere I go by surveillence equipment, my Internet connection, my telephone connection and public (and private) video cameras everywhere I am- including my own home.

This saddens me- the only truly 'private' place is inside my mind.

[Error: unknown template qotd] I've already cut out:

Eating out (except with friends)
Buying clothes
Buying books, music, or movies
Going to movies (except for Star Trek, which I saw 3 times!)
Daily paper
Vacations to anywhere except my work trips
Fancy-ass cable channels
Landline long distance


If I had to cut further, I'd cut the landline, turn my sister loose from the family phone plan, trim back the cable to the minimum, and perhaps quit my gym membership.

I've been living on a tight budget for so long, that I'm used to doing without stuff. Sad, really.

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Oh, come on- that's a no-brainer (aw, hale naw- not Sylar!)...

The fictional character that I most identify with, and have done for at least 35 years (longer, if you count those first furitive pre-rerun glimpses when the show was on and I was near a TV) is Mr. Spock. I was the brilliant, awkward, geeky young teen who didn't fit in, the strange looking one with the strange accent, strange clothes, and strange hair; the despised smarty with the hand that always popped up first in the class.

Spock came along during a time in my life that I prefer not to recall. He gave me a model for behavior, and a way to express my intellect and use my vast vocabulary. He demonstrated ample evidence that it was sexy to be smart, and it was OK to let your freak flag fly high. (They called me a freak. I wanted to fit in. Spock gave me permission to be myself.) He gave me a means to pursue both my vocation and my profession, blending them harmoniously to create the TechMage I am today.

I am my own person, true. But I can crank my eyebrows like nobody's business. And my Aikido teacher taught me that there really is a nerve pinch that can bring people to their knees. (He was a Spock fan, too...)

Live Long & Prosper, y'all...