Steps and Such

So, this is probably going to be really long, but I'm at my wit's end, and I need some advice.

I have been married to my DH for almost three years, and I have a SS (11) and SD (7). I love them more than anything and they are wonderful kids. I couldn't ask for more. However, their BM is a NIGHTMARE. She has been unbearable from the very beginning. She absolutely believes the world revolves around her, and she is perfectly willing to hurt the kids in one way or another to get what she wants. In her mind, the kids are simply a reflection of her (she pretends to be supermom in public, on the PTO, signs the kids up for every sport, makes sure they have all the latest electronics and name brand clothes, etc.) But away from the public she is a horrible person and mother, and the kids are suffering for it.

Backstory.... BM is in her 30s and lives with her parents. Both of her thirty-something brothers also live there. One brother is a convicted felon and is in and out of prison for drugs and theft. Neither of my stepkids have their own room there. SD sleeps with BM and SS sleeps where he falls. They technically have a bedroom that has their clothes and stuff in it (shared) but the whole family are hoarders, and the room (along with the rest of the house) is packed too full of stuff for the kids to sleep in it. There is not consistent discipline there, and the kids basically do what they want until BM gets pissed and then she yells and screams and hits. They do not have a bedtime, and I've often seen SS active online past midnight on school nights. BM does not help them with schoolwork, and does not play with them. She wants them to stay out of her way. BM works occasionally sitting with an elderly woman in her home, and is in nursing school.

We currently have joint custody of the kids, switching off every week. Here, the kids have their own rooms, their own space. We have an established set of rules, and the kids know what they are, and also what consequences they face for breaking them. During the school year, the kids know their schedule. Homework as soon as they get home, no playtime or tv until it's finished. SD is in the bath by 7, and in bed with her bedtime story finished by 8. SS, a little older, has his shower at 8:30, in bed by 9. We try to do things with them, like fishing, biking, board games, etc. DH works road construction and I just finished nursing school (still applying for a job.) Basically, we try to be involved with them and give them a structured but caring environment they don't get at their BMs.

This has always been the problem, but lately, it's gotten much worse. Specifically for SS. BM has always treated SD better than SS, and both kids notice it. When SD was 5, she told us that she wanted to be just like her mommy, and treat her little girl really well and her little boy really bad. It's THAT noticeable. SS can do nothing right as far as BM is concerned. She's always screaming at him, and telling him he ruins everything. SD knows that she will not get in trouble for bothering or hitting SS at her mothers, so she torments him there. If he tries to tell on her, BM and her mother tell him to get over it. If he retaliates, he gets beat with a belt. He can't win. BM has admitted to shoving him down in a pile of boxes before, and last year let him stay with us full time for a while after DH found out she had hit SS in the face with a closed hand. That lasted about a month before she got mad and changed her mind. SS is miserable up there. He is terrified of BM, and he wants nothing to do with her. SD thinks the sun shines out her ass. We've tried talking to BM about easing up on him, but she does not think she is the problem. She's convinced he is just a bad kid. She took him to therapy for a while, but she always sat in the room during the sessions, and SS was too afraid to say anything in front of her.

Shit hit the fan on Mother's Day. We normally switch on Sundays, but BM gets them on Mother's day. SS texted DH about 1pm and begged him to come and pick him up, saying things were bad up there and he wanted to come here. He said that BM had told him he ruined her mother's day and beat him with a belt. DH called to talk to him, but BM wouldn't let him. So DH, knowing he couldn't just kick the door in and cause a stink, called the police and asked them to check on SS. We arrived right behind the officer. Nothing much came of it, except BMs mother saying that SS got beat for hitting SD with a pan, and that he "needed serious psychiatric help because he was out of control." While SS was standing there. The cop did talk BM into letting us take SS home, while SD stayed behind. SS admitted that he had hit SD, but that she had been following him around and kicking him and BM wouldn't tell her to stop, and he got beat with the belt while SD did not get in trouble. The next day, BM showed up at school and pulled SS out of class and told him that she was not taking him on their planned overnight trip to a waterpark that week, and that she was cancelling the pool party that she had reserved for him for his birthday on Saturday. Needless to say, SS was crushed and had to tell his friends that his party was cancelled. The next day was his 5th grade graduation, and she told me there that if I wanted to pay for the party, I could, but she wasn't going to give him a party now. So I did. I went to the facility, changed the reservation to my name, paid for the party, and gave SS invitations to give to his friends. We hear nothing from her until about an hour before the party, when she calls and says that she is going to show up and take pictures. DH tells her that he doesn't think this is a good idea. He said that she wanted to cancel the party and try to punish SS by ruining his birthday, so she didn't need to be there. She tried to say that it was her party, but DH said that it was our week, the party is in our name, we paid for it, and she has no right to show up. She asked to talk to SS, and asked him if he wanted her to be there. He told her no. Me, my DH and his parents could hear BM through the phone telling SS that if he didn't tell DH to let her come to the party he was going to be in big trouble. She then tried to tell him that she never said she was going to cancel the party. SS starts to cry, so DH takes the phone and told her that she had tried her best to ruin SS birthday because she was mad, and he wasn't going to let her make SS cry. She lied and said she didn't tell SS he would be in trouble, but DH told her he had heard it all, and that we had to go, and if she tried to show up and cause a scene at the party, we would call the police. She didn't show up, but SS could hardly enjoy himself because he was so afraid she was coming.

We really want to try for full custody of both kids, but especially SS, because he hates it there, and she makes him feel horrible. He is a really good kid. He has some issues with expressing his feelings, and he gets angry, but who could blame him? Both kids are well behaved here, they make excellent grades, and they are happy here. But I'm afraid that the court would favor BM because she is the mother. And I don't really know where to start. Do we get a lawyer straight away? Should we take SS to counseling so that his side of the story can be on record? He wants to live here, but BM wants to hurt DH so she refuses. (Even though she told DH's mother that she wished she could just have SD and DH would take SS.) Do we have a solid case? i just don't know anything about going to court for custody, but I want the kids out of there so bad. She's not normally outright physically abusive, but being in her house is detrimental to both kids, especially SS. All of SS issues stem from the way BM treats him, and obviously BM is not a role model for SD, even though SD adores her. Any tips on how to proceed or how much substantial proof we need would be much appreciated. I'm so lost on where to begin, and I'm afraid we will go in unprepared and end up making things worse or losing the kids altogether. Sorry this is so long, I've been bottling it up for years.

I am so sick and tired of living in fear of his ex wife. So many issues, more than I could delve into without losing my tenuous grip on sanity. My husband's daughter is going on 17 and is more trouble than ever. Since shortly before I had my son in March she has not lived with us. She didn't want to live with us any more because I'm "mean". I expected her to clean up after herself and help around the house, so I guess basic discipline makes me mean. I think she also wanted out because a new baby was coming and she'd have to watch everyone enjoying him (as they all did when she was born, as people do when there is a new baby). She only visits a couple of times a month now and stays in her room most of the time. But she wants us to keep providing and paying for her cell phone, and expects to keep the larger bedroom for herself even though she's only here maybe 3 nights a month. I just told her a week or so ago, after a lot of problems with my Verizon service, that when my contract is up I'm canceling our family plan. I told her not to panic though, it wasn't going to happen until she is almost 18. By then she ought to be able to provide herself with some kind of cell service. She doesn't "want" to work though. She wants to upgrade her phone and have us (me) locked in to another two-year contract. We put her on our family plan a few years ago since her mother let her have a cell phone when she turned 13... This way we could ensure she was using it according to our rules. Soooo now my husbands ex wants to "talk" to him, no doubt about making sure her princess gets what she wants in the way of a cell phone. Probably wants more child support too and we already struggle to make sure she gets the exorbitant amount of money she agreed to.

I've been in the picture for 14 years. I'm so sick of living under their thumbs. My husband is a great man and dad but he wimps out when it comes to his ex and I have reached the point where I realize I have to let him completely, totally deal with all things regarding his daughter and his ex and just take care of my baby and my marriage. I can't force his hand and he doesn't need the added drama. But sometimes I worry about my security and that of our son. It feels like we are all at the mercy of his vindictive ex wife and the only way out will be when his daughter is considered emancipated (21 in our state). Maybe then we can all relax and just be a family of three.

Sorry this is disjointed. I'm overwhelmed.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

If some of you read Baby_Mama_Drama, I posted a similar entry there! Why reinvent the wheel?

Hello, again! I have been a member of this community for a long time, but I haven’t been on LiveJournal much lately for all kinds of reasons—moves, new jobs, and legal drama. I would like to get involved again, but I think I should reintroduce myself, first:

I have been married for three years, and I have two SSs—6 and 8. We fought a long, hard battle for 50/50 custody, and in order to make it happen, we moved to the town where BM had moved the kids without permission a couple years earlier. It’s a long story, as most our stories are!

Anyway, a lot of my step adjustment issues have to do with moving to a town and a to school system where BM has firmly, aggressively, established herself. Interactions with teachers, other kids’ parents, even doctors are always awkward and irritating. BM has given everyone the impression that she and her husband are the biological parents, and she still tries to do it even though we live three miles away, and we’re now seen everywhere with the kids!

That, and the usual income disparities (in her favor, of course); and trying to raise kids who live in two different houses; and, well, all that stuff with which most people on here are familiar make up my story.

So that’s me! I look forward to “meeting” everyone again, and I hope I can be helpful as well.

hi, I'm hoping somebody here might be able to give me some advice, and if nothing else a friendly ear to listen. My partner, who I have been living with for 3 years, has an 11 yo daughter, so I have been experiencing all the trials and joys of step-parenting. The biggest issues in our lives as a family have come about because of my partners violent ex. My partner split from her daughters dad several years before we got together, but in the interests of maintaining contact she put up with alot of violent and emotional abuse after the split. My SD had witnessed a lot of the abuse. When we got together, ex flipped, smashed up my home, threatened to kill me, filed literally hundreds of complaints about me running and international child abuse ring, the list goes on Police would never bring charges for what he did to me because they said I did not count as a domestic violence victim because i had nver had a relationship with the ex......... we lived for 18 months with texts, calls and emails dozens of times a day until we moved house and changed all our numbers etc.
We have now got a restraining order which prevents ex from coming near or contacting my partner and step-daughter, although this doesnt include me, and he has been convicted of harrassment, although he has appealed the conviction so we soon have to go through the whole traumatic court experience for a second time. All through this, official mediation services have been set up by us, but ex refuses to come.
There are two main areas I would like some advice on: I never expected step-parenting to be an easy ride, but this situation has created extra problems. The last time my SD saw her dad 3 years ago (a few months after myself and partner got together) he told her that i wasnt to be trusted, that he hated me, and that i was abusing her. Any stepchild will have issues of being disloyal to a birth parent by liking a step-parent, but this has made the problem so much bigger. As a family we also struggle with discipline issues. My partner has (understandably) tried to compensate by spoiling my SD, but now we are living together i really cant live with the constant tantrums and the fact that our entire lives revolve around my SD. I do understand that she has been through so much trauma, and that some of her acting out is because of this, not because she is 'spoilt', and at my suggestion my partner has found a specialist counsellor for SD to see, which starts soon, but I feel I would be letting my SD down if I let her do whatever she wants and never learn how to be considerate and compassionate. However, if I impose any discipline or rules, however gently, I end up as the bad guy because my partner doesnt back me up, even though she says she agrees with me when we sit down and discuss discipline and house rules. Its getting so bad I am reaching the point that I want to leave. I love my partner and SD so much, but the constant rows and dramas are exhausting. I have read countles books, websites and forums, and I work with young people with mental health problems so i was used to dealing with stroppy and /or messed up kids before i met my new family, but now i've run out of ideas.
Secondly, I have felt very invisible in this whole process. I know that what i have been through doesn't compare to the 12 years of hell my partner and SD have had to cope with, but whenever i have tried to seek help i have always been directed to support for my partner. She is know having specialist DV counselling, Witness and Victim Support from the courts, and has access to helplines and emergency counselling. I am not eliginle for this, and I cant afford to pay for private, especially now i have the financial burden of the family. I have searched the internet many times to try and find any sort of forum or advice, but found nothing. I know I cant be the only new partner who has become a new victim of an abuser, i know from talking to child protection officers that the allegations of abuse against me are not uncommon from trouble-making ex's, and even without these issues, as much as i love my partner sometimes i feel more like her carer than a lover or partner. I will always be there to support her whatever happens, but sometimes i need some support too, even if its just being able to sound off to someone who understands. Does anyone know of anything? and if not, would anyone else be interested if i tried to set something up?
Sorry for such a long rant,
Mouseivy
(ps to save speculation, yes, my partner and i are both female, but i don't beleive any of the issues here are dependent on gender or sexuality, i can imagine a straight step-dad or mum would face the same issues in this situation)

Oh wow! I haven't been in here in so long (and it seems like a lot has happened since then!), so I guess I will reintroduce so new people can know me too! I'm Sharon. I recently became a step (I have been a such for several years while I've been in this group so yay for me!)

DH and I live in Colorado and SD lives in North Carolina with BM. Chris and I just got married May 27th! We did the courthouse wedding and we're having a formal ceremony in Virginia where his family lives in March next year.

So...now to the business of my post. BM has full custody of SD right now, but DH and I go and visit every 2-3 months (depending on financial situation at the time). We ended up where we are right now because BM needed to move (she lives with her mother and her mother was moving to NC) only a few months after DH and I started dating. When they moved, it was very difficult for us to be able to come and visit SD and it ended up we were only able to visit every 2-3 months as it was. I got a job offer in Colorado, so we decided to move and have been able to maintain going out there to visit like we always have.

Because of the expenses of travelling (2 round trip tickets to visit, rental car, hotel, food, etc) and bringing SD out here (she has started to fly now so book a plane ticket to fly to NC, pick her up, fly back with her, and then when it's time for her to go home, fly back to NC, and fly back ourselves...total 3 round trip plan tickets), we have been financially strained. BM tells us it is important to her that we see SD as much as possible and SD misses her dad all the time so we have made it a priority to see her, even though it gets very costly. Because of this, we are also sometimes unable to pay the child support on time, but BM has been fine with this up to this point. Usually if she has something that SD really needs (doctors visits, new clothes, etc) she will let me know and I will personally pay for those things outside of sending the child support. Some people have told me on this point that I'm super crazy and I should just send the money in to child support instead of sending clothes or whatever else, but my concern is that BM is not using the money for SD's needs. I DO NOT MEAN that she doesn't take care of her daughter because BM is an excellent mother and I could never say anything negative about that! She does an excellent job of taking care of her daughter. The problem is that she will text me and say things like "I really need you guys to pay the child support as soon as you can. SD needs new clothes and I also have to pay for court fees and make a car payment". BM is going through a DUI situation right now that is pretty expensive for her and she has openly admitted to me that she uses the child support to pay for that stuff. It is fine...in the end she is getting the money and she is supposed to use it as she sees fit, but DH and I still want to make sure SD is taken care of so I will do things like send clothes and etc.

In September, BM had to do overnight jail for about 2 weeks because of her DUI and she called us to beg if we could take SD. At the time, we had saved up some money in order to pay off the deficit child support (DH owed about $800 on the child support). This happens to us every few months, as I said, because of the trips we take to visit SD. So instead of paying the deficit child support, we paid $800 and BM paid $400 and we went and got SD and brought her back to stay with us in Colorado for 2 weeks. We had a great time and everyone was happy.

The problem we're facing now is that we were already in deficit before we took that trip and used the money we were going to pay toward the child support for another trip, which set us back even further. BM is now telling DH that she is going to take him to court in NC to have the child support going to North Carolina (currently he is paying child support in Virginia). She said during the conversation that he is going to have to stay on top of it because they "don't mess around" like they do in Virginia and if he doesn't pay it, there will be severe consequences.

I'm a bit distraught with this whole thing because I don't understand where this is coming from. BM is usually really pleasant and doesn't usually cause too much drama. I understand if she thinks that changing it to North Carolina is a better decision, because that makes sense, but I don't like feeling like she is threatening DH or myself...and maybe I am taking this personally. I am starting to believe though, that BM is jealous of DH and I for getting married (she hasn't had a boyfriend for a few months now) and is trying to be malicious. I hope I'm just being over dramatic, but I am starting to think not. She said something to my sister in law (DH sister) a few months ago about "don't you miss when Chris and I used to be together...don't you miss me being your sister" and my sister in law (the smart mouth that she is) replied "Not really Sharon is really great."...Funny...but I think BM is really hurting or jealous right now...I'm just not sure how to handle this situation in a mature way.

I also am not sure if we should warn BM about this or not, but DH is currently unemployed and has been for almost a year (he is in school full time), so if she does take him to court to have the child support changed, she is going to end up getting less money than she currently does. DH has also mentioned that he would like to file for joint custody and that he would like to see if some of our travel expenses can be deducted from the child support payments. (Is that even possible? I know somebody that has this done, but is this a typical thing?)

Basically...I'm confused lol. Should I stay out of this? Should I advise DH to tell BM about filing for joint custody/lowering the child support rate/having travel expenses count towards the child support? Should I be taking this personally or is this really just an act of jealousy? Or should I just let this run its course?

I don't want to be malicious to BM. I want to do the right thing here. I just don't really know what to do...or if there is anything I can do...Thank you all for any advice/stories of wisdom :)

I don't know where else to say this, and hope I am not just shouting into the wind. But, at least I am shouting.

My SO's now 15yo daughter has been skipping school. Already. She has also been using marijuana for over a year, and is sexually intimate with second guy. She has drank, and we've caught her smoking cigarettes. She sneaks out. She won't follow rules.

She does not live with us,she comes every other weekend, when she doesn't have other plans. Her father has never made her come for visits. He told her no on getting her belly button pierced 2 years ago, her mom took her anyway. Her mom gets mad, yells, grounds her for 5 minutes, then lets her off the hook.

Her older brother lives there, and has given her alcohol and marijuana. He's had 3 dwi's already. He's not allowed in my home anymore.

I'm scared. Maybe cos I've seen where this can go, but I'm terrified for her, and I can't do a thing. No one wants to hear me, and I have no say so.

Thanks for listening.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Hello! I have a question pertaining to child support...I am in Kansas.

My husband & I will be getting custody of the last child he has with his 1st exwife (we received custody of 2 of the 3 kids 4 yrs ago, the other decided to stay with mom). Here's a brief summary of what is going on:

She is on SRS/State assistance & is self-employed (runs a daycare in her home & she accepts payments from the State if someone is unable to pay). I KNOW she fudges her tax return every year because she herself has told us that she clears about $2,000/month with the daycare. The last time we had to look at financials (when the other 2 moved in with us 4 yrs ago), it amazingly worked out that she only made minimum wage (yeah....right). I know if those people pay her in cash there isn't a way to track it....that's just the way it is. But I was wondering if her being on State assistance will effect the outcome of her paying us (damn that sounds so good!) child support for the 3 kids?

I just have this feeling that they will put her at minimum wage (from past tax statements) & compare that with what my husband makes & she won't have to pay hardly anything for the kids. We're not looking to get rich or anything but we would like her to pay the just amount.

And also, since she does not have a regular 9-5 job, how would we get the money for the support? Would we have to rely on her to send it to us every month? And what if she gets arrearages? How would we get that?

If you need more info before you can answer, just leave a comment & I'll respond back.

Thank you for taking the time to respond!

Also X-posted at ask_me_anything

Well after fighting a long 2 year battal my SD now lives with us, and surprise, surprise she hates us. Funny she wanted to live with us when she was 10 she begged her mom. Now we have her and we are the bad guys! Long story short, her maternal grandfather is a Pedifile and DH didn't know about this until she was 10 and confessed on hurting herself because he tried to touch her. It's been a family secret and they never told DH he was been arrested and charged with molested a girl from her school. We give the BM many times to give up her father and many others deals. But she said no to everything. SD knows why we went to court but her mom twist it and says we did it because we don't want to pay child support. It's so hard because we want to protect her and makes sure she gets everything she needs.

I am really tired of DH and I being the bad guy!! When is protecting people bad and wrong.
I honestly love my SD, Ive been in her life since she has been 1 years old. I just want her to see how the her mother failed her, but that will never happen because her mother is always going to be her mother.

How do you go on knowing they are not happy?

My name is Lindsey and I am married to Alex. I am a housewife and he is in the army. I have been married to my husband for 3 years. After 5 years of battling with his ex-girlfriend and being sent to Iraq he finally has a court order to be able to see his son. I have never had any kids. I have babysat a lot of kids but it is different being a step-parent. Now I am trying to figure out how to prepare my house for my stepson. My stepson is 5 years old. This is the first time we will get to bond and know each other. My husband hasn't been able to see his son since we were married due to the ex. So I am excited and ready to get to know my stepson and provide a good place for him when my husband and I get him. Do I get a toddler bed for him or do I get him a regular twin bed and put up guard rails on it? Do I get him stuff to draw us pictures? Any advice would great! I am very very new to being a stepmom of a 5 year old.

It's really nice to see no one posting in here recently (hopefully that means everything is going well for everyone...it certainly means that for me). Just wanted to let you know about how great things are going.

Been talking to SD a lot recently. It used to be really hard to get her to talk to me on the phone, but she has been a lot more receptive. She started dance classes, she is hopefully starting school this year (BM was considering maybe starting her next year...we'll see), and we're planning to visit around April.

We always take her to movies, the mall, as much fun as we can find in NC, but I am sure there are other things to do that we're just not thinking of. What kinds of things do you guys love to do with your stepkids? Anyone know anything fun to do in/around Northern NC?