Raindrops, as they're falling, tell a story.

i hate school, i hate this town, and i hate stupid people. get me to colorado NOW!

and DAMN proud!!!

You Are Austin

A little bit country, a little bit rock and roll. You're totally weird and very proud of it. Artistic and freaky, you still seem to fit in... in your own strange way. Famous Austin residents: Lance Armstrong, Sandra Bullock, Andy Roddick

You Belong in Milan

Stylish and sophisticated, you want to enjoy a truly European life - away from tourists! Milan fits you perfectly. Great shopping, high quality food, lots of culture... with very little hype.

nothing like a week of skiing to melt away all the unessesary crap from the last 2 weeks. hopefully a week of hot springs, massages, facials, skiing, and shopping will wash away all the bad and bring on some much needed happiness. i think it's time for me to be selfish for once....

i miss my kitty cat...

Like a breath of midnight air. Like a lighthouse, like a prayer.
Like the flicker and the flare, the sky reveals.
Like a walk along the shore. That you've walked a thousand times before. Like the oceans roar.
Love heals.

There are those who shield their hearts. Those who quit before they start.
Who frozen up the part of them that feels
Don't freeze your heart
In the dark they've lost their sight. Like a ship without a star in the night, but hold on tight. Love heals
When you feel like you can't go on
Love heals
Hold onto love, it'll keep you strong
Love heals
When you feel like you can't go on
Love heals
Hold onto love, it'll bring you home

Love heals when pain's too much to bear. When you reach out your hand, and only wind is there.
When life's unfair. When things like us are not to be.
Love heals when you feel so small, like a grain of sand. Like nothing at all.
When you look out at sea, thats where love will be. Thats where you'll find me. You'll find me.

So if you fear the storm ahead
As you lie awake in bed
And there's no one there to stroke your head and your mind reels
If your face is salty wet, and you're drowning in regret, just....
Don't forget
Love heals.

quote of the day: there's no need to argue anymore. i gave all i could but it left me so sore.

i've been wondering why i want to talk to him so much seeing the fact he has completely broken my heart. then it hit me (i think i stopped breathing for a second)...this is the first time in 4 years that i haven't spoken to him. i have truely lost one of the best friends i have ever had.

i know we had problems...i'm fully aware of them and i even get that he doesn't want to be with me anymore but i just want to talk to him. i don't even want to talk about our reltaionship. i just want to have the conversations we used to have when we were friends. we were sooo good as friends. i remember sitting outside my dorm and talking to him on the phone or we'd sit at lunch and we'd bitch about our day and all the stupid people that annoyed us. we were happy back then and now we aren't even speaking. he can't even look at me.

i wish things were simple again...

quote of the day: don't want your hand this time, i'll save myself!

my brother is moving away...
i hardly see him as it is so now i'll never get to see him after he's moves. another one bites the dust...

i have realized i don't deal well with change. i'm not going to lie...i miss him more and more everytime i think about it (which is probably way too much but again...women obsess and men could give a shit). i have officially ventured into pissed off but most of the time i just wish he'd call or at least say hi...go back to being friends or something normal.

i'm not even sure if i'm allowed to say hi without somehow being judged or my actions being misconstrued. i'm afraid if i say hi or smile or God forbit be polite (cause i do remember being friends at one point), it might somehow mean that i've lost my self or i'm too needy or i need him to need me. apparently everyone's a critic and has something to say about my intensions. i feel like for the past few months i've dated everyone except him. i seems like i get shit for just opening my mouth (i'm sure if i stayed quiet i'd be judged for that too). when did "hi sweetheart" turn into "hi i need you to need me to need you to need me and i can't do anything else till this happens." sometimes "hi" just means "hi" and "are you ok?" means "are you ok?"!

yes i'm going through a hard time right now but if i can remember correctly he was having a hard time when we started dating. i don't remember anyone telling him that he needed to fix himself before anyone else can help him or over analyzing his every move. jesus christ when did our relationship become open to the public??? and when did it become necessary to turn dr. phil on your own "friends"? was i stupid to think that friends aren't suppose to judge each other? we all go through hard times and we all have points where we are sad.

i've had a few days to diguest everything people have told me since the break up and at first i took it all into consideration and thought maybe there is something wrong with me and i was just an awful girlfriend but now that i've calmed down and have had time to think I'M PISSED! they don't know what it was like when we started dating, they weren't there when things were good, and they sure as hell don't know what it was like being in that relationship. they weren't there when we went to bed at night and they weren't there when we were happy. they don't know what i'm truely feeling or thinking because they don't bother to ask...they are too busy making assumptions and judging.

i have felt better about myself since leaving that apartment. i remembered i'm good at what i do and i know that i'm not a bad/sad/pathetic person. it's not taxing to be here and i don't feel exhausted or sad about being myself. i'm sad that we broke up and i love him and miss him dearly and i'd love nothing more than to be with him but that constant cloud of judgement and negativity was overbearing (didn't realize it while i was there). for the first time in a long time i can breath. i want to be with HIM not the entire music builing. fuck them for passing judgement on me...i know damn well who i am!

two years, two boyfriends, two pets...what a shitty ass way to start my twenties....

things i have learned:
1. karma's a bitch
2. don't ever get another pet
3. don't believe boys
4. quit dating
5. women spend too much time obsessing about what went wrong while men could give a damn

in an ideal world he would be just as hurt and upset as i am but i know that's not happening. i wish he cared...i wish i didn't...

you’ll say, don’t fear your dreams, it’s easier than it seems
you’ll say you’d never let me fall from hopes so high
but never is a promise and you can’t afford to lie

i have come to realize that the hardest part is at night. the only sounds that exist are the screaming voices in my head...the demons of another failed relationship. this one's different though...i really thought this was doing to be it. i always thought the idea of a prince charming coming to sweep you off your feet was total bullshit and there was no such thing as forever. then he came along...

and then he left.

i want to hate him so much. i want to believe he is a horrible person who treated me like shit. i want to wake up tomorrow and never have loved him. i don't want him to have anymore of my tears. how is it possible that a part of me wants to scream at him but the other part just wants him to hold me again?

there's so much i don't understand and so many questions i want answered but i guess i'll never know. what i do know is that it's over and forever will never happen. i was stupid to think this was going to be different. but why did it feel so right?

what i miss most is laying in bed with him at night and laughing and talking for hours. then we'd roll over and i'd hold him. i was never cold when he was there....

he was one of my best friends for two years before we crossed that line. i should have stayed behind the line...maybe then i might still have something...