This is my last journal. Just to let everyone know, i wish to remain neutral. I learned early in life that forming life or death loyalties is an archaic dealing in social interaction.
and to set the record straight i like life.
...and when i said i don't like who i become when i'm around you...i thought it had changed. i need to stop making those kind of assumptions. and i could tell you all the things i believe about you. but right now all you can see is me leaving. so i'll wait till you can see why i need to leave. and then we can talk. not over the net, not through journals or AIM messages. on the phone. not with you crying. i don't know what to do when you're crying. maybe i am matt. maybe i'm not. but bob never put that into my head, it's always been there. Bob just reminded me. don't blame bob for my absent mindedness. i'm not angry.
so i'm leaving. and alex is six feet under, pushing up the daisies. I'm sorry julian, but it's really for the best.
We did not get a big trophy. We did not get a medal or any such compesation.
We got fourth place, like last year. 4th out of 14. Which isn't bad at all. I wish i could convince my self of that. Anyway, Improv got Third and a bigass trophy and medals and stuff.
On Holiday got jacked. they didn't place. at all.
and everyone is scrambling to find faux explanations and justify the moronic judges. But we all know they got jacked. and it was like being slugged in the stomach when Westwood On Holiday was not called as first. Or second. we prematurely stood up and started screaming. and then stopped. and gasped for air, and then began to cry.
....it means nothing in the grand scale of things. but for right now, it was half a year of our lives. Hours upon hours of run throughs and sewing, and cutting of fingers, spraining of ankles. It was hollering for duct tape at 6:30 in the morning with a bed with un wrinkled sheets.
it's D.I. but it is not over. We are forming a team. We are going to worlds. and we are going to make the top ten at Global. university level. Maria invited me to become a coach. I'm going to do it. I'm also going to do the duct tape dress.
and now I'm off to update the journal, and do productivity. *curtsy* the end.
So We leave for Houston in half an hour or so. half and hour? no...half an hour. Anyway. Yes leaving competition WOOHOOOO! This is going to be how do you say it? Badass.
Matt and I have come to the conclusion that I am not a lesbian. nor a bi-sexual. hm. Much confusion, but he's reassuring that I've figured it out, i just have to accept that as part of myself and move on. I am not a boy. I am not a gay boy. I am a middle american girl thing. and, unfortunately, no matter how i tried, i am not a gay middle american girl thing. some things you've just got to accept and move on. only the moving on my hurt her too much. so i am content for now. i think. matt hopes. OOoooOOOo which reminds me!!! Ericaly and I have come up with yet another brilliant front image for frontage roads. Cuz we kick muchas ass! And I'm going to savannah so help me GOD! *mull mull mull* what else what else? my great grandmother died. So mom and dad won't be going this weekend. Which is terribly sad. That she died. Of course I didn't really know her and what i did know made me sad. because she was suffering. and i hope when i get that bad, being a hundred years old for my family better not matter and they'd better pull the plug.
but it's also wonderful because the extra stress of my mother being there...well IT WON'T BE THERE *hoots and hallers with joy then promptly stops*
I think that is all! Hope we break legs, kick ass, and get a REALLY BIG TROPHY!!!
I'm more overwhelmed than i have been in a long time. i got up at 5 because i couldn't sleep. I had twisted my undersheet and over sheet around me and off the mattress. i can't remember what i dreamed. every thing has been DI, Frontage Roads, School and then Homework. DI Frontage Roads and then Homework. and the one weekend i need time to myself, i forget to do that stupid community service. whatever they take away. i'm praying it's just the computer. I can live without the computer. I can live without TV. just don't let them stray to the car. or me being able to leave the house. because they've all ready put me under house arrest FOR NO APPARENT REASON. ...i'm so tired...let them do their worst. i need to excercise. i need to work on my diet. ... i need to do a lot of things that i just don't have the drive for. i want the drive. anyway.
i'm just getting worn down. I need a day off of stress.
why did i even think i missed him. I wanted to scream that at them. just scream it at them. repeatively. i hate you. you hurt me. all the time. you set my mind to think i'm worthless. i'm nothing. i'm stupid. embarassing. loud. obnoxious. you hurt me! i want to scream and scream about it. that's all. not even words. not even articulated sentences. i want to rip my voice from my throat, bleed it raw. i've never been hit. except when she gets really frustrated and pestered by me. then she hits me. to shut me up. to make me stop talking. i lie because i don't know anything else. because i'm scared. i forged a signature on a progress report in middle school because i was throwing up sick in the bath room with the thought of taking it home to you. i cried the entire day. i commited a felony just to make you leave me the fuck alone. why did that not SAY something to you? wouldn't that be a GIANT warning light that something was terribly wrong with the way you handled me? i never stopped lying. ever. because i hated you more and more. how you looked over and away from the things i loved. over stressed things till i went crazy.
so now i'm dying. slowly. painfully. loosing everything. and it's not really your fault.
it's mine. because it's never your failure as a parent. ever.
Okay so there are other people out there who need her more than i do. i understand that. i'm accpeting it. i'll even lay off for a while. i won't bother her anymore. just wanted to let her know i still cared enough to be upset. i have a really bad way of showing it okay.
this is how i feel right at this moment. you are not allowed to judge me for this entry. you may comment. but you may not berate me. you may not justify. you may not clarify.
you may listen. and understand.
because my common decency mechanism has been snapped in two. and i need to get this out. publicly.
i have been walked on. all right? bloody well walked on. and it makes me angry. and sad. and useless. and worthless. and stupid. too stupid to live. all right? and i need this one day this one entry to say that. because tommorow i'll forget to feel this way. and forget it hurts. and forget the overwhelming feeling of failure and stupidity.
who walked on me? all of you. none of you. i can't pinpoint who. i don't want to pinpoint who. i don't want to blame anyone.
i want to stop feeling sad. and choked. i want to be able to show her that she's making me so very happy. and it's not her that's making me sad. i'm just like this. i don't know why. and he walked on me. he used me. he made a mistake. which is just crap all right? i'm tired of justifying him. i'm tired of saying i was the one to blame. when he walked out on me and took my soul with him.
so.
i feel walked on. i feel under appreciated. yah yah uber angst. and i'm sorry.
i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry
you shouldn't feel GODDAM sorry for your own emotions!
okay. i'm done. you can judge me now. just restrain yourself from screaming your verdict at me. i'm too tired to listen anymore.
i do not matter. to anyone anymore. jeff. megan. kyle.
and this is all expected. it's senior year.
so i don't care either. and i'm going to be yelled at. for being like this. and saying i'm walking away. even if i'm not around to hear it.
this all causes my chest to grip tightly. like it did at escapades after the dance. I had to curl myself into atight pain ridden ball for five minutes before i could breath. so goddam fat.
it hurts okay?! I'm fucking sorry! i'm sick of being judged. okay?
so your goddam world is falling apart. SO IS MINE.
it would be nice if we could ahve gone down togehter you know? shared in it. lived through it. and i'm not fucked up because of you. i've always been like this. just lost all self control. too stupid to live.
you listed why. i could too. i could list everything that is making it hard to smile lately. but all the things taht are good. one thing is good. one lovely thing is good. kat. that is good. what i have with kat is good. lovely. perfect.
i'm sorry i went off. i didn't think before typing. i don't know how anymore. i'm in pain all right? I'll stop. i'll be perfect for you. i don't care anymore.
anything is better than being awestruck at being hugged by you. it was insane. it felt wrong for miliseconds.
so. i guess what i'm saying is i want to fix whatever is broken. cuz you know. i can't leave anything alone.
awake
weird
rejected