♥ICHIGO-GO♥

...funny
...odd
...heartbreaking
...confusing
...too much
...beautiful
...

The human mind is such a beautiful device.  Morally corrupt ideas can be easily justified by means of logic and reason, and the heart just sits back and tries to influence every second of your day. Who is to say what is and isn't right if you yourself can justify it? Happiness isn't a black and white subject. If anything it is every shade of grey imaginable. So i do not believe that right or wrong is any different. All my thanks to a friend that helped me understand this, or at least allowed me to let myself see it when I tried so hard to be down on myself for feeling the opposite. 

When I die I hope I look back and never regret...

Most of all I hope I never truly compromised my happiness for anyone else.

"when no one else is looking after your back you have to do something for yourself no matter what that something is."

Right now nothing will change. That is comforting and sorrowful all at once.

So yeah, I pretty much have none for two specific human beings. Them being the donors of my genetics. Sighs...what I'd give for just the normal teenage drama like "why can't i go to blah's house tonight!? This is unfair!" It would be so much easier like that. My dad is drinking again. I found a bag full of alcohol cans in his room today. Yeah this is after I was so proud of him. He's just as bad as my ex-druggie of a mother. And because of her I cannot see my family now. Yep thank you mother. She blames the whole situation [which is too long to go into detail about it] on the fact that her medication isn't working. I'm sure. Medication is just her crutch and excuse for every fuck up she is involved in. I love my parents so much and I respect them for who they are, not what they do. It just hurts being lied to, being hurt, being pushed away from the people that gave me life. I want so badly to have a great relationship with them, but the thing is they can't even have a realtionship with themselves let along involve me. I'm afraid I will always be pushed away into a second place. No one on this planet will ever see everything I see when it comes to this and that is why I'm the one that gets hurt. This journal is so dreary, hopefully one day I'll have something wonderful to write about.

Soon I won't be here anymore. I'll come to visit, but it will never be the same. When I come back home and sleep in my room, it really won't be my room anymore, just a shell of what it used to be. All I can reflect upon is the people that made me who I am today. The ones I love and never want to leave, the ones I despise and are glad to be rid of, and the ones I pushed so far away can can't even look at because it hurts so bad that they can replace me in a heart beat. All in all i think those are the ones that will be hardest to leave because I want to scream at them and tell then how unfair they are and how badly it hurts. I'm not sad about leaving though, I'm mournful. I'm leaving my security, my home, my friends, my earth. I'm not just going to college. I'm moving and living in my own place. I want to break away from these apathetic bonds that this place has so badly, but on the other hand this is what I know. Every moment that I've lived so far has had its oportunity to replay itself in my mind in this past month. Every hello, every argument, every moment that I don't wish to speak of. Nothing has escaped me. My dreams are even acting up. Everything, every overwhelming minute of it all has been pulling me down and drowning me in a sea of words and still frames of things I can't quite remember correctly because I haven't thought of them in years. Those moments, though, are burnt into the back of my memories and can never be erased. Biologically, psychologically, they will always be there for me to review at a later date. A date when I'm stronger. I'm upset with myself for letting all of these thougths bombard by mind and strength because nothing wears yourself down faster than well...yourself. 

I am going to miss everything and love leaving it all at the same time. Being human seems to make situations funny like that.

So this entry is pretty much about people that I think are absolutely physically beautiful. First off is Tilda Swinton. 
I never knew a woman that 
was so androgenous could be so beautiful.

Next is Dita von Teese. Yes she is a bit of a harlot but she is so beautiful. 


Then Christina Ricci. I think she has classic beauty even though she does slightly remind me of a harlot 
as well.

Natalia Vodianova. So pretty.

Amy lee

I really don't find many guys to be beautiful. Guys are too plain and boring but i do have a few


Miyavi. Seems like a total egotisical douche but he's pretty.

Oh well I think I'm through for now. But the most beautiful person ever in existance...

Joshua Aaron Stimpson. The love of my life. He was blessed with beauty on the outside and so much more on the indside. He is a
wonderful human being and those are hard to come by these days.

i need to remember that.

i feel bad for last night. I kinda cried my eyes out over the phone and i hate it when i do that. i look like such an idiot. it has been about two months since i've really cried though so i suppose it had to come out.

i'm so tired and i still have so much homework to do. i need to finish up my research tonight so i can work on it all next week. i hate homework.

Have you ever read something that made you cry because it was so sweet. I've never done that until today. It was a great thing. A new life experience for me. I love that.