snarkbotanya

Hello, everyone! Guess who just moved into Downtown Uglacyville to watch the madness unfold firsthand?



It's my Simself, plus a Sim version of my cat! I could never let my Simself go without her sweet kitty. I even boolpropped their relationship bars up to 100, because I am definitely her human in real life.

Stats-wise, I'm a Knowledge Sim, with a personality allocation of 4/5/3/5/8: kind of sloppy, not particularly shy or outgoing (I hate social situations, but can fake it), lazy, not particularly serious or playful, and nice. That makes her an Aquarius, but I cheated it to Virgo, because that's what I am in real life. LTW rolled as Become Mad Scientist, which I'm cool with because there's no LTW to write a certain number of novels or anything else that would suit me better. Predestined hobby is set to Film & Literature, and primary interests are Food, Culture, Environment, Entertainment, Scifi, Animals, and School; major dislikes are in Sports and Fashion. Athena, my kitty, is a Genius, Independent, Lazy, Aggressive, and Finicky, which apparently makes her a Virgo pet. She's interested in food, scary things, and outside, but has little to no interest in toys or playtime.



I've set them up in style Downtown, in this ultra-modern house right by the crashed alien spaceship. Here, they can watch the insanity unfold without having to live in the ugly landscape of the main neighborhood. Besides, I'm a total city-slicker; being without my modern conveniences turns me into a nervous wreck.



Back at the Hive, Hargrid and Contessa Marjorie turn that lobster Robyn just had to make into their wedding feast. At least some good came of it...



...and then I look away for five seconds to check on StarDrifter and come back to this. Dammit, Marjorie, I know he totally wants to be a vampire, but could you at least wait a bit? I don't want him turned yet!



*sigh* Time to buy some Vamprocillin-D, I guess. And buy another coffin.



"Get out of my room, Br'yan!"

"But I wanna play SSX!"

"Well, there's a computer out in the living room that ISN'T mine! The writer bought that one to put in MY room just for ME! Now get out of here before I bite you!"



"Salutations, Mara! I am in depserate need of several vials of Vamprocillin-D, for my younger brother has been tragically bitten by one of the Creatures of the Stygian Blackness of Night."

Grignr actually rolled the Want to cure Hargrid, so this is a good thing for both him and me.



It's not so great for Hargrid, though. Knowledge Sims... don't worry, man, you're permaplat; you can take the loss. I'll have your wife turn you again later.

"U promis?"

I promise. I just kind of want her to do it once the aliens can't impregnate you anymore. Not when you're an elder, more like six or fewer days away.



With that done, I decide to reward Grignr with his Lifetime Want: a golden anniversary! I don't want to keep track of too many guests, so I only invite a couple people who are friends of the couple. Heck, I don't even care if they show up. I'm just happy to give Grignr those sweet, sweet aspiration points.



"And so I propose a toast to my wonderful wife, Shona, the mother of my son, who has stayed failthfully by my side these many years, and whose cooking has no equal. You truly are the greatest wench in this whole SimWorld."

"Oh, Grignr! Ever since we were children, I knew you were the one."

Aww, look, they really do love... MARJORIE! Get back in your coffin!

"I hope Hargrid and I can be married as long as Grignr and Shona have been..."

If you don't get your butt back in the coffin this instant, I can guarantee you won't be! Now get in there, you crazy suicidal vampire!



Once I've gotten the pesky vampire all tucked away in her coffin, it's smustle time for the happy couple and the one guest who bothered to show up. His name is Jasper Fleming, and I'm considering him for the position of Renesmee's legacy spouse. His face is certainly worthy of an Uglacy, and he comes complete with a Bad Writing name to boot (Jasper Cullen, also from the Twilight series).



Shona's elderly smustle face is the stuff of nightmares.



She also leaves right in the middle of her anniversary party to go to work, which is more than a little weird. Grignr also started to leave, since they have the same work hours, but I made him stay home to interact with the guest. He's got about a week's worth of vacation days anyway.

Shona's celebrity chef outfit is certainly interesting. I guess she makes Asian Fusion grilled cheese.



As it turned out, though, I didn't need to interact with Jasper at all; he just went straight for the beer. The anniversary party finished with a score of Good Time.



"A B+? Really? Those churlish, imbecilic teachers just don't appreciate my genius. They think I still need pictures to understand things. Well, if they don't give me an A+ report card tomorrow, *giggle* I'll creep into the breakroom and poison all their food with my alien venom!"

For those of you who play this game, do your Sims ever gain their own voice in your head? Mine do, and Renesmee's is a creepy little girl who giggles constantly and says everything in this horribly affected trill.



StarDrifter learns to talk and use the potty... he's pretty hideous, but not even close to the "I can't stop staring" level of his sister.



"Ugh, this is my stepmother? She's so... blonde."

Yes, well, she's also a vampire, so if you're plotting anything, it's not going to be easy.

"Pfeh, you underestimate me. Heehee... teeheehee..."

And now, for your viewing pleasure, I give you... Vampire Smustle Faces!






The fangs just make those silly expressions even better. I love it.



"Hmmmpf, stepmother... another person trying to take attention away from me... I'll show her..."

Renesmee, are you hiding a wooden stake under your pillow?

"No, I'm hiding knives there. I have something better planned for that red-eyed blonde hussy."

Well, you're not allowed to do it for at least another few weeks, you hear me? I'm watching you, little missy.



Really, my own feelings about the Contessa are rather mixed. The suicidal tendency to leave her coffin in the daytime could become a problem, and I tend to find Pleasure sims really boring, but at least it's easy to keep her happy and rack up aspiration points by having her and Hargrid go on dates in the bathroom.

She's gossiping about Renesmee, by the way. I'm not sure what about, but really, Renesmee's face alone is a topic worthy of gossip.



And now, dear readers, I present you with something you never knew you didn't want to see: a bearded, goffick Uglacy Sim and a vampire about to woohoo in a hot tub. I think I need to go bleach my eyes now. And my brain.



The elders in this house may be annoying and take up space, but at least they're useful for taking care of the kids while their parents are getting it on. I also love when Robyn plays the sweet old grandma in her supervillain outfit. The Maw: terror of SimCity, devourer of superheroes, doting grandmother of three.



Around 6AM, I heard a cackle out by the mailbox and rushed out with the camera, expecting some stupid townie to be kicking over the Uglacies' trash can. Instead, it turned out to be Grignr doing the smustle on the sidewalk... in the rain... wearing only his pajamas.

I think the years are getting to him, guys.



"Hey, Auntie Shona, I made a potion out of Uncle Griggy's not-so-secret stash of Red Bull and Mountain Dew. It'll make you fly like an eagle!"

"That's nice, Renesmee."

"Don't you want to try some?"

"Um..."

"Pleeeeeeaaaaaaase?"



"ACK, eugh, blech... Renesmee, what the hell did you put in this?"

"Not telling; it's a seeecret~! See you after school, Auntie Shona!"



Now that Renesmee's poisoned her aunt, I guess it's time to make sure she's platinum for the Reaper. I can't tell if he comes tonight or tomorrow night, but he's coming.

No, I don't know why Shona decided to sit way over there to eat her grilled cheese. Perhaps she doesn't want to talk to Renesmee's devoted servants.



"Hey, look at me, I can do a flip! Stop watching the boring elders and check me out!"

Well, Br'yan, to be honest... you're pretty boring too at this point.

"Oh come on, I'm playful! Playful Sims are never boring!"

Yeah, um, no. You're pretty boring. I mean, serously, what's in your want panel right now? MP3 player, handheld, talk about grilled cheese, and that same Mechanical skilling want that I've had locked forever because you skill slower than a narcoleptic snail on Valium? Sorry, dude, but you really are a boring Sim, especially in a house with a vampire and two aliens.

Although... I think there is one thing I can do to make you more interesting.



"What the... it's hideous! What have you done with my hair?"

Well, you are named after an elf, so I figured why not turn you into a jolly Christmas elf?

"This is horrible! I can't go to school like this! Everyone will laugh at me!"

They sure will, Br'yan... they sure will.



"Hey, Stepmother, look! I got an A+!"

RENESMEE! Are you trying to murder your stepmother? Step away from that coffin, young lady!

"Awww, why can't I kill her?"

Because I'm the legacy writer and I said so. Now go do your homework! Don't cheer for her, Marjorie; she doesn't deserve it. She's the spawn of Satan who probably got that A+ by using her horrifying brainwashing powers on all the teachers.



Just a sweet, normal little girl dancing without a care... yeah, like anyone would buy that.



Robyn is apparently addicted to lobster now, because she started making it autonomously again. Uhh, you know there are leftovers, right?

"Lobster doesn't keep well."

Okay, I'll give her that. It came out perfectly again, too, so I can also give her points for being a good cook.



As Grignr and Shona return from work, the effects of Renesmee's poisoning take hold.

"What? I didn't think my time was up yet... please don't tell me I have to spend time with Dick at the luau..."

You'll get your own luau, Shona, completely Dick-free. Plus, ghosts can't interact with each other, so if you come back to haunt at the same time, you'll still be safe. Sorry you had to go so soon, but... you were kinda clogging up the house.

"Gee, that makes me feel so much better."

Note Grignr sobbing in the background. He kept that up for a full Sim hour, not taking any commands. It really made me feel bad for letting Renesmee poison Shona. I got that platinum Grilled Cheese grave, though, so that's good, I guess.



Hargrid's return from work was much happier, as he came home with a promotion to Game Designer, sealing in his second LTW...



...just in time to hear the telltale sounds of a tractor beam starting up on the roof.

I didn't think I'd get any abduction faces this chapter, but thank you Marjorie for wanting to stargaze! I guess that Summon Aliens thing must make it more likely for anyone to get abducted while using that telescope, because she wasn't even on it for that long. Either that or Renesmee had something to do with this.





"Why are you doing this to me... I'm a Pleasure Sim, not Knowledge! I don't even have Knowledge secondary!"

Hey, you spun the want to stargaze, and the RNG did the rest. This is not my fault, Contessa.



While the good Contessa spends some quality time with the aliens, I try to cheer up Grignr by having him teach StarDrifter a nursery rhyme. He's always happy to interact with his little niece and nephew, though I suspect he wouldn't be so happy with his niece if he knew what she'd been up to this morning with the "potion".



"Captain, the Pollination Technicians are complaining again. The subject we picked up appears to be dead."

"But it screamed and clung to the telescope and everything!"

"Yes, well, they couldn't find any vitals. Besides, it's a female, so regardless of whether it's alive or dead, they can't pollinate it."

"Ah, well... drop the subject."
















"Wooo, that was awesome! You go, girl! What did the aliens do to you?"

"Shut your mouth, mother-in-law."

Aww, don't be too harsh, Marjorie, she's a Knowledge Sim. They live for alien abductions. Go ask your husband on another dream date, and maybe you two can work on a spare now that there's room in the house.



After a little hot-tub time, I send Marjorie to the computer to get a job.

"A job? But I hate work, and I'm a vampire. Vampires don't need jobs."

Hey, there's an opening in the Slacker career as a Party DJ, and it's a night job!

"Sign me up!"

Just imagine going to a party, and the DJ is a vampire. I don't know why that mental image amuses me so much, but it makes me giggle every time. Speaking of jobs, though, I also had Hargrid change careers again. His new LTW is to top Education, but I figure there's plenty of time, so I got him one in Natural Science as an Unnatural Crossbreeder...



...so the Uglacies now have a cowplant! I call her Audrey III. Don't you just want to boop her snoot?



"I'm hoooooome!~ I brought another mindslave, I mean friend, teehee. Oh, is my stepmother missing? I wonder what happened..."

Drop the act, Missy. The aliens brought her back.

"What? Ugh... I need to find a way to get rid of that dumb blonde..."

Of course the girl named after a Twilight character would hate blondes.



Renesmee takes an instant liking to Audrey III, or rather to teasing Audrey III. If this were any other Sim child I would warn them against taunting the Sim-eating plant, but this is Renesmee, and she's the spawn of Satan. The poor plant should be scared of her.



Meanwhile... it's StarDrifter's birthday! Time to jump into childhood, little guy!



StarDrifter morphs into this lipless, cheekless monstrosity. Still, the fact that he has a nose makes him look almost normal. He's an ugly alien kid, but I don't think anyone who saw this picture out of context would guess that he's an Uglacy alien kid.



"BLAAAAHHHH!"

"AAAAH! Renesmee, you scared me!"



"Teeheehee, my little brother is a fraidy cat."

And you, Renesmee, are a dick, just like your grandfather.

"Proudly."



BOOMP!

"What the... how am I pregnant? I'm a vampire!"

The magic of the Sims, my dear Contessa, the magic of the Sims.



"Ugh, this sucks. I feel fat and ugly and I can't drink or blow bubbles because it's bad for the baby. Please tell me it'll be over soon."

It will; Sim pregnancies only take three days, and I play this game pretty fast. Besides, you'll be in your coffin for half of it.



Br'yan's elf hat stays on in the shower. That is glorious.



"Pweeeeee! One day I will fly around the world like my ancestors, leaving alien children in my wake that I don't have to take care of! Woooooooooo!"



"I'm not touching you! Not touching you! Not touching you!"

"Reneeeeesmeeeeeeee, stooooooop!"

Renesmee just keeps rolling the want to torment someone. It doesn't specifically say StarDrifter, but considering how she feels about those who might take attention away from her, of course it has to be him.



Hargrid snags a promotion to Dinosaur Cloner, and hits the 50,000 Simoleons earning milestone while he's at it. Keep going, man! Just, uh, make sure the dinosaurs aren't sequential hermaphrodites, okay?



I sent Renesmee and StarDrifter to dance by the stereo to replenish their Fun after school, and she just stood behind him and stared the whole time. I think she's plotting his murder again.

"Don't be silly! I have to get the fat blonde first, before that baby pops out of her stomach."

Fat chance, Renesmee. After that little stunt you pulled with the telescope, I'm not letting you out of my sight.



BOOMP



You know, when I started this Uglacy, I never for one second thought that I would end up with a picture of a pregnant vampire feeding a cowplant. It's just one of those things that you don't even think about until you have all the necessary characters on hand and compose the snapshot. And so, here we are, with a pregnant vampire feeding a cowplant.

Hey, wanna see some smustle faces?







I've stared at this kid's face so much that it's almost starting to look cute, in an ugly way.



Br'yan, what the hell?

"What?"

Your wants panel was nothing but grilled cheese, so I had you whip up a whole platter... and then you did a complete reroll and dropped all the Grilled Cheese wants!

"My cravings changed, okay?"

After all that time you spent on these sandwiches? NO! You are going to eat your grilled cheese and like it, young man!



Hargrid maxes out his skills while Contessa Marjorie watches cooking shows. I've already filled a Knowledge Impossible Want for him though, so I don't think this gets a legacy point. Still, 30k aspiration points is nothing to sneeze at.



"AAAARRGGHHH, IT HURTS..."

"Pfeh, not as much as what I wanted to do to her... stupid legacy writer, not letting me kill that dumb blonde. Now she'll be getting her dumb blonde genetics into our family."



It's a girl, and do I see green eyes? I believe I do! That gives me some inspiration...

Uglacy kids are named after characters from poorly-written books and bad fanfic, so I think I'll name this little girl Rose, after Rose Potter, the psychopathic naked druidess. She's almost certainly going to be a spare, but hey, let's hope for a really nasty personality to match her namesake. Mean Sims are disturbingly fun to play.



"I'm going to kill her, and you!~"

"You wouldn't dare."

Actually, Marjorie, she totally would, so watch your back. I'm watching it too, but two sets of eyes are better than one.



Now that our last Gen 3 child has been born, I think it's time to close the chapter. I leave you with this picture of Renesmee playing keepaway with Audrey III. You guys have no idea how many pictures I have of this child in various poses and expressions, all taken just because they looked too bizarre to not capture for posterity. She's a true Uglacy, folks.

Next time, we grow the little mutations up and try to progress towards Generation 4. Until then, happy Simming!