snarkbotanya

Greetings, my lovely readers, fellow Simmers and friends I pester with these pictures alike! When we last left off, Hargrid had just graduated from college, and was headed back to the home lot because I promised to fix the PREP CLOTHZ he aged into (though really, he moves back in because he's the heir and I control where he lives).



The Casteroff Dormintory has now been left in the capable hands of Kieran the Clone, shown here doing the smustle with his fellow Secret Society dormie. He's a zombie made from the same premade Maxis dormie who became Don the Zombie, hence the "clone" bit of his name. Because I have no20khandouts, he also ended up with half the hard-earned money that Hargrid got at college, so our heir only comes home with about 15k Simoleons. How did he get that much, you ask? Well, a combination of large grants for the A+'s, and a lot of masterpieces and novels. I didn't mention them in the last chapter, but he wrote two other books besides "poemz dat r deep" and "poemz dat r dark". They were also poetry collections, titled "poemz dat r goffick" and "poemz dat r dprzing". I had him bring them home in his inventory so that the Uglacies can read them for generations.

Now, without further ado, let's see our heir return home!



"I'm bak! Nd I'm gonna be a sekrit agent, so I got glassez and a trenchcot."

Hey, he's the one who rolled that LTW. I love the result, though. You don't see a magnificently-bearded "goffick" man in a trenchcoat and sunglasses every day.



The spotlight can't stay on Hargrid for long, though, because he comes home to his nephew's birthday! Grignr seems happy to have his litlte brother back in the house as he brings his son to the cake, while Hargrid is just trying not to think about the fact that he has to live with Dick again. Shona, who is such a good parent you'd think she was Family primary instead of Family secondary, is just happy to see her sun growing up in the platinum.



"Woooo, go Br'yan!"

"Spin! Spin! SPIIIIIIN!"



And spin he does... into this little freak of nature. Still not nearly as bad as I was hoping for from Grignr of the Polygon-Cheeks and Shona the Carmen Patch lookalike, but he's definitely got the squashed nose, and I think he's working on some poofy cheeks too.



He also grew up into a dragon costume, which I decide to help him along with since he's named after a character from a bad fantasy novel. Run, Br'yan, run!

Seriously, though, this kid runs everywhere. 9 Active points plus he just grew up well... ack.



I set Br'yan up in the room with all the portraits, so his parents and grandparents can watch over him as he sleeps. Br'yan should be comfortable in this room, as it's the same one in which he played the xylophone all day as a toddler. Seriously, I couldn't get him away from that thing, and it was fall... and yet, he only has four Creativity points from it. I think we've got another not-so-bright Uglacy child on our hands.



Not to have the spotlight stolen from him for long, Hargrid soon has me taking an abduction album. His luck with the jobs has been crappy (not a single Intelligence or college-level position, for the day he moved in or the early hours of the next), but he manages to get abducted shortly before those with regular sleep schedules are set to wake up.





I love how his chin and cheeks clip through his beard and hair. He really is a worthy Uglacy heir.



While Hargrid is off getting probed, I realize it's Sunday and I'll be stuck with Br'yan at home. Wanting to make the most of my time, I decide to start him on hobbies to see what his predestined one is, and it turns out to be Tinkering! Yay, finally a true-born Uglacy who isn't a total jock! (Shona, his mom, isn't predestined for Sports either; her One True Hobby is Science.)

Study those Mechanical points well, Br'yan, and you can restore us a car once you become a teenager.



"Captain, we have a Code Sun, it is daylight, repeat, we are in front of a Sim dwelling in broad daylight."

"Acknowledged, Colony Pilot 10110, now drop the subject and get us out of here!"















I love abduction faces more than I love smustle faces, and I love smustle faces. I think my favorite is that second-to-last one where his eyes pretty much roll completely down as he sticks his hand into his gaping maw. Robyn definitely passed down her superpower, that's for sure.



"Welcome home, son! I hope you saw many wonderful things on the alien spaceship."

"Fangz mom! Da aliens used all sorts ov probez I didn't see lastt ime, though. And what waz dat noize?"

Those were the sweet little chimes of a tiny bundle of alien joy implanted up your butt, Hargrid! Oooh, I can't wait to see how this one turns out... *grins evilly*



Meanwhile, Dick takes care of Br'yan's final toddler-potty deposit. Still think that kid isn't as bad as your kids, Dick?

"Ugh, no! This one's shit smells even worse; his mother must have been lacing those baby bottles with cheese!"

Well, she is a Grilled Cheese Sim, and she doesn't like you, so I wouldn't be surprised.



"Ooough, I don't fell good.. is dis how it feels 2 have a babby in ur stomach?"

It's not in your stomach, Hargrid, it's in an organ the aliens transplanted into your system so you could carry the spawn to term... but yes, that's what being pregnant feels like. *shudders* I am never having kids, and prengancy is one of the biggest reasons why. The mere concept of playing host to some creature inside my own body just feels gross and parasitic to me. If you want and/or have kids, then all the power to you and I hope your family turns out happy and healthy; I'll be over here with my house full of cats.

Anyway, it's time to send Hargrid inside. He's got something important to attend to.



When Hargrid was about to leave college, I had him lock one Want before jumping in the taxi. Now, he fulfills it: Learn to Make Grilled Cheese Sandwiches. It's a small want, but what it represents is bigger.

*sniff* My hard-won genetic clone of Don has influenced my Uglacy family... I'm so proud.



BOOMP

"Oh my Satan wat happened to mi hair?!?"

I uh... I dunno, man. I guess this game has a hard time dealing with long-haired pregnant men. Though now that I type that out, I can see why.



Hargrid is quickly cheered up by finding an opening in his LTW career track, Intelligence. He starts as an Elite Operative, which is level friggin' NINE. He is literally one promotion away from permaplat... and his "maternity leave" coincides with when he would have had days off anyway. Freakish Game Luck, I tell you... I have it.

Yes, I kept the buzz cut. Hargrid may not like it, but it amused me, and it'll be gone once the baby's out.



"Ugh, this house... grandkid running around everywhere, loser nerd younger son is pregnant somehow... I need a stiff drink."

Can't say I blame you, Dick.

"Well, you can flergle right off, 'cause I'm not pouring one for you, bitch legacy writer."

Joke's on you, I don't even like alcohol! No, really, I don't. It tastes like sharpies smell, and I'm not one of those people who likes the scent of permanent markers.



Robyn has also been drinking heavily, straight from the bottle. Shona does not seem to approve.

"Do you mind? I'm trying to raise a kid in this house."



Speaking of Robyn, she's rolled up the Want to maximize all her skills, which I'm pretty sure I can squeeze in before she dies of old age.



BOOMP

"Wow, I dnt look all that fat..."

Well, you're wearing a baggy shirt, which helps. Besides, you're not fat, you're pregnant.



Due to my elixir shenanigans, Grignr is growing up tonight, so it's time to get his aspiration up. I don't necessarily want him to age up platinum, but I don't want him to die immediately either... unfortunately, once I've done the sports-related wants, he starts rolling big things like learning fire prevention and physiology and seeing Br'yan get an A+.

C'mon Griggy, just roll something easy, please... he's still in the low green, guys, and I'm getting scared.



Just when I thought all hope for an easy want was lost, though, Br'yan came home with that beautiful A+ report card... and immediately ignored his waiting dad to go bother his mom while she was skilling. Little shit...



Shona's a good mom, though, so she was more than happy to put her painting on hold to cheer for her son.

Cold-shoulder to his father aside, though, I'm kind of impressed with Br'yan. Sim kids usually have to go to school for three days or so before coming home with an A+, and he managed to do it in two. I thought he was stupid when he couldn't get more than 4 measly skill points as a toddler, but now I'm not so sure. Maybe he was just a late bloomer. In any case, good job, Br'yan! You got your father a golden ticket to Gold aspiration levels!



He also brought a friend home... none other than Bartholomew Parks, the Truant Walkby Child in a nightcap.

"Wel, Barthoolumew, da reason we're older an your da same age is becuz we're playable Simz nd your a townie."

"Does that mean I get to be a kid forever?"

"Az long as da writer doesn't age u up."

"Sweet! This grilled cheese is fantastic, by the way."

"Indeed, my espoused wench is the greatest cook in this entire SimNation!"



The fateful hour arrives... sorry it had to be so early, Grignr.



AAAAAARGH! How did his face get even worse?!?

The sagging cheeks, the giant poofy lips, the smashed-down nose... I don't think it's ever been so obvious that Grignr takes after his mother.



The horrid print really doesn't suit Grignr, though, and his dad's already wearing a purple version, so I let him have a studded biker vest. I hope you don't mind the shirt, Grignr, but frankly I'm not sad to see the bare chest go.

"What? But I am a magnificent specimen of manhood, a true Ecordian warrior! The fact that my hair is no longer red changes nothing!"

Yeah, whatever you say, man... really, even if he were all that, I'm far too gay to appreciate it.



"Uhhh, writer girl? How iz dis babby gonna come out?"

Painfully, Hargrid. Very, very painfully. Sorry about that.



"Hey, mi hair is bak!"

Indeed it is... but more importantly, your heir is here! Or rather, potential heiress. Yes, guys, this is our first Uglacy girl! I'm so excited I could just about squee, because I have the perfect name for her all lined up. If you know me, or run in the kind of literary circles I do, you probably know what it is. I didn't think I would get to use it so early, but I think our first alien definitely calls for it. She's got the bug-eyes and no nose, so she's definitely going to be hideous enough.

Welcome to the neighborhood, Renesmee Uglacy. I have high hopes for you.



Hargrid has just enough time to give Renesmee a bottle and a cuddle before the carpool arrives, and he heads off to his first day of work all snazzed up in a tux and the Fancymobile. He's platinum right now, so there's a good chance he'll come back with that LTW fulfilled, leaving me free to climb the college careers that will get the Uglacies a cowplant and Grimmy-phone of their very own.



Oh Diiiiick... look who dropped by!

"I know your game by now, you [STRING OF WORDS I HAD TO CENSOR]"

Heh heh heh... this just never gets old. Though I guess it kind of has a bittersweet quality right now.



*gag, cough* "I don't see anything sweet *hack* about this! It's just stench! *cough* Wait... bittersweet?"

Yeah, umm...



"What are you playing at, missy?"

Well, Dick, I can see your age bar, and it's not looking too pretty. There's a good chance that that's the last time you'll ever be sprayed by a skunk. Because, you know... you'll be dead.

"Can I come back as a ghost and haunt the living shit out of all these pissant descendants of mine?"

That's what Sim ghosts do, Dick.

"And I'll be out from under your thumb?"

To a degree.

"Well, if that's the deal, I'm all for it! Now get me to a shower, frammit!"



Meanwhile, oblivious to her husband's anger, Robyn Uglacy finishes maximizing the Cooking skill, her last one left. That's one Impossible Want fulfilled! Now if she can just spin the want to earn 100k Simoleons, I might be able to get double Impossible Wants from her.



All right, Dick, since Renesmee isn't old enough to potty train, you're on diaper duty until she grows up or you kick the bucket, whichever comes first.

"Wait, she's green all over? And it's her real skin? I thought Hargrid painted her as a sick joke or something. Why the flergle is my granddaughter green?"

Because she's an alien, Dick!

"Aliens aren't real."

Dude, you've been abducted by aliens! You saw your son walking around with this baby in his unnaturally-enlarged belly! You're holding a pixel-blurred alien baby in your hands RIGHT NOW after throwing her poopy diaper into the trash!

"THEY AREN'T REAL. I HATE SCIFI."

*facepalm* I think Dick is repressing the memory of whatever went on in that mothership. Either that or he's just racist. Or maybe both.



At this point, I hear the sweet jingle of a promotion, which can only mean one thing: Hargrid has returned from work, and is now permaplat! His new LTW is to become a game designer, but instead I get him a new job in the Paranormal career as an Exorcist, because I really want that Grimmy-phone. I might just have him immediately change it, though, because I kind of want him to end up in Paranormal after fulfilling a few more LTW's just for kicks.



In the meantime, I'm hoping for some spares, and Hargrid spun the want to get abducted again, so let's see if we can get any takers.



What the... Dick, are you actually taking an interest in Renesmee?

"What? I heard her make an annoying sound and nobody else seemed to be awake except my nerd son at the telescope, so I decided to give her a bottle to shut her up."

Even Renesmee seems surprised that Dick is interacting with her autonomously.



Ooooh, he dropped the flashlight, he dropped the flashlight... know what that means? I've seen this interaction enough times to know what that means...







See you in the morning, Hargrid!

This is his third time being abducted, by the way, so... cha-ching, another Impossible Want in the bag!



What the... Dick... are you PLAYING WITH RENESMEE? AUTONOMOUSLY? Who are you and what have you done with Dick Uglacy?!?

"Awww, this one is kind of cute... maybe it's the giant eyes, or the tiny little button no-nose..."

Good Sim gods, this child must be a real hellspawn if Dick Uglacy actually likes her...



...case in point.

"Augh! What the hell, Greenie? I was just about to declare you my favorite grandchild!"

"Gaa, hee hee, grandpa's all wet now!"

Hellspawn, I tell you. I can't see her personality yet, but I'm calling it now... it's gonna be bad. (Spoiler from the future: OH GOD IT'S BAD. IT'S SO BAD.)



Meanwhile, while Hargrid is getting abudcted and Dick is getting puked on by the alien antichrist, Robyn is doing what Robyn does and taking a bubble bath. She seriously needs some kind of rehab for this.

Wait... bubbles... and the bubble blower... oh my god, Robyn are those the bad kind of bubbles?!?

"Took you long enough to figure it out. How did you think I maxed my creativity so fast?"



Oh my god, Dick, just stop already...

"Goodnight, little hellspawn... Grandpa loves you. Just don't be too surprised if he scares you when he comes back as a spooky ghostie-goo, pumpkin!"

I'm speechless. I just... Dick actually likes one of his grandchildren. I can't even. I have lost the ability to even.



"Oh no, Captain, not THIS house AGAIN..."

"If you wish to file a formal complaint, fill out the paperwork, Colony Pilot 10110! These Sims volunteer for experimentation; we'd have to be imbeciles to refuse."

"But Captain, they're hideously ugly. We're mixing our genetics with mutants!"

"The Pollination Technicians have yet to file complaints. Drop the subject!"








Anim/thought bubble translations time!

Dick and Robyn: "Oh no, not another grandkid... this house has seven Sims in it already..."
Shona: "Oh my god, my brother-in-law got probed... in the butt... AGAIN! Hahahahaha!"
Grignr: "Durrrrrr..."

Don't believe me on Grignr? Well...



"Shona, I must tell you something scandalous! My father... got MARRIED... to my mother!"

"Grignr, honey... I already knew that."

I'm dead serious, you guys. Grignr gossiped about Dick getting married to Robyn right in front of both of them. He never was the sharpest sword in the armory, that Grignr.



Dick, being Dick, wanted to get in on the gossip... but Grignr was hearing none of it.

"Still your tongue, father! I have never forgiven you for kissing that ancient harlot upon the sidewalk. You are vile and I detest you."

"Pfft, well if that's how you're going to treat me, I'm going to go spend some time with Renesmee."



Actually, Dick... I think there's someone else you should spend some time with...



"AAAARGH! I thought you said the last time was, well, the LAST TIME!"

No, I said it could very well be the last time. No promises were made, bucko, so put on your thick, skunky cologne and wear it with PRIDE.

(Note Shona in the background, just... watching. Creepy...)



Apparently Dick isn't the only one who likes the Death Baby.

"Oh aren't you a sweet little alien! I heard you spit up on Grandpa, we all get upset stomachs... you'd never spit up on Grannie, though, would you, sweetie?"

"Of course not, Grannie! *giggle* YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL"



Hargrid maximizes his Body skill, but what I'm really going for is another sweet, sweet Sports plaque to seal in one half point. Why is he dressed in a dancing suit? Well, it was the Ahtletic outfit that had the most black, and seeing Hargrid in a ballet outfit amuses me.



Finally, the Death Baby's birthday arrives. Because she's Dick's favorite grandchild and I'm pretty sure he's going to die tomorrow, I let him do the honors. Robyn and Shona are absent from this "party" due to work.



"Tee hee, I'm going to traumatize my grandpa before he dies!"






OH SWEET MOTHER OF SATAN WHAT HAVE I CREATED.

Sim kids are always at their cutest when they're toddlers, so having her be so grossly deformed this early on definitely bodes well for her chance at the heirship. I just... GAH. The giant mouth, the puffy chipmunk cheeks, the smashed-in not-a-nose, the buggy alien eyes... I don't think I could have asked for better results on an Uglacy alien abduction.

By the way, that prediction about her personality? IT CAME TRUE. Renesmee here is an Aries, 7/10/8/9/0. That's neat enough, FULL outgoing, quite active, extremely playful, and meaner than the devil's anus. She really is the spawn of Satan... just like her namesake.

And with that, dear readers, I must leave for now. This entry got long, as they all seem to, and I honestly can't think of any better way to close this chapter out than with our almost-certainly-heiress's leering face as confetti floats around her in a gross mockery of a birthday. She is hellspawn, dear readers, hellspawn. I love it. See you again soon, and happy Simming!