snarkbotanya

When last we left off, our two potential heirs had just hit teenhood and I couldn't decide which one was uglier. Thus, I started a poll on the Boolprop forum, and shoved pictures in the faces of friends and family members to get their opinions. It's only been a couple days, but I think we have some... interesting... results.

You ready, boys?



"i guesz. so whoz the air?"

"Me, of course! I am the firstborn and strongest, and I will grant this bloodline many heirs!"

Slow down, boys! I'm getting to the results now. Let's start with the Boolprop poll. As of this writing, it had 4 votes...



"...all for me, the true heir to the Uglacy throne! Raise it upon the dias, for I will be your sovereign!"

No, Grignr. It was a tie: 2 votes for you, and 2 for Hargrid.

"A tie? But wht happenz f derz a tie?"

"We wrestle like Ecordian warriors, and the winner receives the heirship!"

No, Grignr, we turn to the friend-and-family votes, which were far more decisive. In fact, they came through in a landslide of 6 votes to 1, and the heir they chose is...

...Hargrid Uglacy!

"WHUT?!?"

"My brother's sentiments shall be echoed: WHAT? I recall that you proclaimed Family Sims to be created for the legacy lifestyle!"

Well, the voters have spoken, and they think the weird polygons on your cheeks just can't measure up to Hargrid's bizarre mouth. I mean, seriously, look at this smustle face!



This picture makes me laugh every time I look at it, and no, that is not hyperbole. One of my friends commented that it looks like he's saying, "why did you do this to me?"



So yes, Hargrid is officially the heir. HOWEVER...



"You must acknowledge that the heirship is my right as the firstborn son?"

No, Grignr... I just don't want to stop writing you, because you make me laugh too. So you'll be staying in the house to mooch off your parents, get married to Shona, and pop out an ugly kid or two. You can also provide me with a platinum Family gravestone... *mutters* ...though perhaps a bit sooner than you might think...

"What was that?"

Nothing, nothing! Just go about your business.



Dick's Romance Sim ways have earned him the hatred of his sons. Hargrid caught him last chapter, and now it's Grignr's turn.

"Dad! How could you do such a thing to your espoused wife, my mother?!? Unhand that crone immediately, you unfaithful wretch!"



"This will teach the lecherous, wanton scum to fool around with married men..."



"That wretch, that lecher, that foul slut who calls himself my father... he will pay for this disgrace to our proud line..."

Sims do tend to want their parents to stay together, but Family Sims in particular take cheating very seriously.



"Honey, I'm home! Say, why are you in your underwear?"



"...and why is there an old lady in our bed? Oh well, probably nothing..."

Really, unless you looked at her skilling-focused want panel, you'd never know Robyn was a Knowledge Sim. She's stupid.



Speaking of Knowledge Sims, one thing consistently in Hargrid's wants panel is to go to college. I'm going to let him, more for the cowplant and Grimmy-phone than because it'd break his goffick little Knowledge heart if he didn't get to go.



Grignr, meanwhile, has fulfilled his quest to be as strong as a Sim can be. Apparently the rage at Dick and his elderly mistress gave him some extra motivation to punch that sandbag.



Ah, zits: guaranteed to up the ugly factor on any Sim teenager.



Now, I may have made it sound like these brothers hate each other's guts with the whole heirship rivalry, but in actuality they're very close siblings. Just look at those Best Friend faces! Really, this is better for Grignr's aspiration; Family Sims hate it when they can't be best friends with their entire family.

Seriously, though, becoming best friends with Hargrid pushed Grignr into platinum.



Ah, red hands, the official game of Uglacies everywhere. Hargrid, it turns out, is ridiculously good at it... either that or Robyn is really bad. He just keeps winning.



"OOOOOO, I thin kI saw a comett!!!1!"

Hargrid loves the telescope I bought him for his Teen birthday. He rolled the Want for it, so I figured I might as well indulge him... and, well, I have plans for him regarding that telescope. Knowledge Sims have a nifty little Aspiration Benefit, you see... and alien genetics would be right at home in this Uglacy.



Hargrid has really grown on me since he rolled Knowledge. It's so easy to keep him platinum: just skill, skill, skill all day long. He loves the telescope, the chess table, the easel, the punching bag, the bookcase... really, anything that will allow him to get those skill points. Good thing, too, because I'm planning on loading him up with scholarship money before he goes to college.

I also love how ugly his face gets when he moves the pieces. Just look at that evil smile! He's got his dad's frowny eyebrows for sure.



Meanwhile, Grignr goes on a date with his Carmen-Patch-looking sweetheart on the sidewalk, in his pajamas.

"One of the ancient crones who dwells in the city has been doing unspeakable, lecherous things with my father! You must avoid her, Shona, for she is a foul wretch who will corrupt your lovelysoul."



Wolves continue to be disgusted by the Uglacies and their groping ways.



Wait, what the hell is wrong with your Go Steady memory, Grignr? You're a Family Sim, and you rolled it as a want!

No, this is not an example of the FreeTime bug; I have the bug fix for that. Between posting the heir poll and writing this chapter, I rolled secondary aspirations for the boys... and Grignr proved that he's a massive hypocrite by rolling Romance. (Hargrid rolled Popularity, which is definitely an interesting combination with his primary.)

So yeah, Grignr wants all the wenches, just like his namesake.



"Oh, that Grignr, he's just so manly with his quivering thews!"



"Mom, w cold rly do withut cing u in ur blak thong and blak leather bar, OK?"

"Cease your blathering, Hargrid; if she seizes up on this topic of conversation, she will describe all her many dalliances with our father!"

A typical family dinner at the Uglacy house, folks.



"So if I sticc da flashlight in da eyepice f da telescop, da aliens wil take me 2 Plnt Goffick?"

Yup! Go right ahead, Hargrid!

We don't get any takers that night, unfortunately. That Extraterrestrial Reparations Grant is a pretty sweet chunk of cash... plus, getting abducted now would let Hargrid know what he's in for when he gets back from Academie Le Tour.



What the... Grignr! That's not Shona!

"I am an Ecordian warrior; we attach no shame to the desire to enjoy the comforts of more than one wench!"

Well, if you're going to be that way... I think I'll have to introduce you to what happens to cheaters in this house...



"Aaaargh, the fetid stench!"

Heh heh heh... I'm starting to really like that skunk.



Not that being subjected to the aerosol butt-spray of Stinky Skunk can stop Romance Sims, primary or secondary, from doing what Romance Sims do. You'd better stop that when you grow up, young man.

"Only if my wife and I may produce many children."

I really am going to need to get his urn earlier than he expects...



"What the... what's happening? What have you done to me this time?"

Actually, Dick, this time it isn't me. Time has finally caught up with Dick, and he's about to transition into an elder.



"Ugh, my hands are all wrinkly! And what is this purple... thing that I'm wearing?"

I think it suits you, Dick. After all, purple is the color of royalty, and you're the king of being a dick.

"I hate it!"

You're a Romance Sim with no Nice points; you literally hate everything except woohoo and punching stuff.

Anyway, Dick transitions to Elder in the green, because frankly I don't want him to stick around as long as Sims who grow to Elder while platinum do. As much as I enjoy torturing him, I do have to make sure there's space in the house for both the boys, Grignr's wife, and the third generation.



"Wait, wht about mi legacyy spous?"

You don't need one, Hargrid. I have plans for you... oh, yes, do I ever...



"Father, let us test our mettle!"

"All right, m'boy... thank flergle you and your brother are old enough to be interesting now."



"Argh, Dad! You've bruised my humerus! I do believe you are still resentful of our existence as your progeny."



Meanwhile, out at the telescope...

"Cum on alienz, taek me to da Goffick Plant!"



"AAAAAAHHHH! OMFG GAIZ TURN OFF DA LITS!"



"I DNT WANNA GO 2 DA GOFF PLANNET NYMOR!!!!1!!!!11!"

We finally have a taker! Enjoy your visit with the aliens, Hargrid, because you WILL be seeing them again!

Think the abduction faces can't get worse? Well... proceed with caution, because I'm gonna show the whole set of return pics.



"Hello, we have a delivery for the Uglacy household, address... The Hive, Uglacyville."









There really are no ugly faces like abduction faces.

Don't feel too bad for Hargrid, though; Knowledge Sims love being abducted by aliens.



GRIGNR! You haven't been doing your homework again! I see that D report card!

"I have no need for schooling, for I am a mighty barbarian!"

You just keep telling yourself that while your brother's off having fun at college, you little shit.



Hargrid, meanwhile, brought a fellow Goffick Boi home from school. They're true outfit buddies, a friendship made in Sim Hell... I love it.



"Im applyin 4 skullarshippz... I hav an A+ rprt carde, s othat shud get me sumthng."

"BY THE SURLY BEARD OF MRIFK, I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO STRESSED! I NEED FUN!"

You're the one who put off all your homework until now, Grignr. Now buck up and do it, because you have an F in school. Seriously, Grignr is one of the worst teens I've ever had to deal with. He never does his homework, and when I finally do make him he complains at me because it isn't fun enough. You'd think he was a child. Hard to believe these two have the exact same personality points.



Dude, Hargrid, why are you cheating at chess? Horrifying speech patterns aside, you're smart! You don't need to do that!

"Itz just so funy wen she fallz 4 itt."

Okay, I'll give you that. Robyn is stupid. Plus, cheating at chess is a time-honored Uglacy tradition, as established by Don the Zombie in the original Uglacy by Candi. You continue to make me proud, Hargrid.

Seriously, though, if Grignr is one of the worst Sim teens I've had to deal with, Hargrid is one of the best. He's mean as all hell, but he does chores without complaint, skills all the time, and rolls wants to do his homework. True Knowledge Sims like him are the best.



To be fair, though, Robyn isn't all bad. Two and a half days before her mandatory elder age-up, she manages to score her Lifetime Want of becoming a Criminal Mastermind. I find it rather satisfying that she managed to get her LTW before Dick did, even if she is a stinking criminal scum.



How does Robyn celebrate her new permaplat status? Why, by drawing herself a bubble bath, of course!



"How dar u try to tickle me, u stupid PREP!"

Good gods... uh, I would run if I were you, Random Townie Boy with Kennedy Cox's Face. I would run so far away.



Tremble in fear, SimCity, for there's a new supervillain in this town... Robyn Uglacy, a.k.a. The Maw, whose superpower is to draw everything into her black hole of a mouth. Soon all shall bow before her!



"Grignr, mi not-goffick-but-nt-prep brother, wil u teach me how 2 punch the sanddbag liek u do?"

"Of course, little brother! It would be my great honor to instruct those of my line in proper Ecordian fighting techinques!"



"Hark, brother: I want you to imagine that this bag, though it is but an effigy, is the face of that ancient harlot with whom our father cavorts. Now lash out with the thews of your right arm!"

"HIYA! DIE, PREPZ WHO KISS MI DAD!"

This bit of training gets Hargrid the Hogan Award for Athletics. At this rate, he'll be going to college with a good amount of scholarship money.



Meanwhile, Dick fulfills his lifetime want to become a Hall of Famer, which means I can ignore the shit out of his wants whenever it pleases me... and torture him as much as I want without fearing a visit by the Therapist, who has yet to make an appearance in this legacy.



So of course the first thing I do with this freedom is get his elderly ass sprayed by the skunk. Thanks for hanging around my lot so often, Stinky! Watching you plummet Dick's Hygiene bar down to 0% just never gets old.



I also decide on a whim to try to get him abducted...



...and the aliens come through, showing up almost immediately! I officially love the aliens now; they are so perfect for torturing Romance Sims.

"What fresh hell is this?"

Ohhh, this is not going to be pretty... *grins maniacally*



Yes, Dick, present that butt for the probes!



"We're back, returning your Dick... wait, that sounded so wrong. Eh, whatever. Colony Pilot 10110, prepare to drop the subject!"

Time to showcase Dick's Return Home album!











Oh, how I love to torture Dick Uglacy.

A friend I showed these to remarked that Dick looked kind of constipated, and asked if he was trying to poop out an alien egg. The suggestion made me laugh, so I just had to repeat it. Fortunately for Dick, his age prevents him from getting alien-pregnant.



Because his mother wants to see him be an overachiever, and because it can get him a nice wad of scholarship cash, I decide to get Hargrid a part-time job. His namesake was in the goffick band Bloody Gothic Rose 666, so I have him take one in the Music career. It is only a temporary job, after all.



Robyn and Grignr both have a birthday that Saturday. Robyn is at work when age-transition-time arrives, though, so I have Grignr go first. Spin, boy, spin!



GOOD GOD.

I need to change his hair and outfit, but DAMN. That face... it's hideous! I can only imagine what his brother's going to look like.



I had Shona over so that she could grow up with Grignr, and she morphed into the expected Carmen Patch clone, and all decked out in backpacking gear to boot.



A little flirting to rekindle their relationshp has Grignr rolling the Want to propose, so I have him go ahead...



...and the two get married outside his parents' trailer-house.

Oddly, Shona comes in with the Grow Up aspiration. I guess the game doesn't really know what to do with aged-up townie children's aspirations. I could cheat her to a regular aspiration and call it justified, since it's fixing a bug... but I have a better idea.



"AAAARGH, WHAT IS THIS THING DOING? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH, IT HURTS!"

Don't worry, Shona, it only hurts for a moment... heh heh heh...



"Oogh, it still stings a bit... hey, is anyone else really craving grilled cheese sandwiches?"



Time for a profile! Shona Uglacy, nee Pierson, moves in with 17k Simoleons. She's a default Virgo, 9/2/6/3/5: extremely neat, quite shy, kind of active, serious, and neither nice nor mean. Her primary aspiration, as of just now, is Grilled Cheese, with the LTW to eat 200 sandwiches, and her secondary is... *rolls* ...Family. She's got a few points in pretty much all of her skills, and is pretty good at Creativity, but does not come into the household with a job.



While the rest of the family enjoys some of Shona's fantastic grilled cheese, Robyn Uglacy gets home and grows into a seriously ugly elder. I knew from Candi's Uglacy what that face template would turn into, but it still made me cringe.

On that note, I think I will end this chapter. Next time, Hargrid goes to college and I see how much more I can torture Dick before he kicks the bucket. His Elder phase is going by fast; I don't think the RNG was kind to him when he aged up. I'm going to miss torturing him, but on the other hand, this house is going to get crowded fast once Grignr and Shona have a kid or two and Hargrid comes home to pop out some alien babies.

Until next time, happy Simming!