I realized today that I haven't used livejournal in months- I've not just stopped posting, but also stopped reading my flist. This was a little sad, as livejournal used to be my world, but also not surprising. I am much busier that I used to be, and Tumblr has risen to Top Time Waster, knocking LJ right out of the park. I thought about posting a hiatus, but decided against it; if I want to post, I'll post, if I don't, I won't. Much of what I write these days is a flood of emotional drabble when I'm upset, and rarely do I post the good stuff. If this journal is to be the record of my life, I'd prefer that it's not all unhappy- that's not what I'd like to remember.
So, here's a good post.
The winter holidays were quiet this year, with the exception of my time with Brenton. My family didn't do gifts or anything, and I spent a lot of my break at Brent's house, helping him clean- or trying to, at any rate. I was in a bit of a depressed rut, and my low self-esteem made me boring and not much use, even to me. So with Brenton having a lot of shit to deal with in his life, and me having my own issues I was working through, it wasn't always a healthy combination.
However, with the start of the new semester, things have settled down, and we're doing really well. I managed to get all tuesday/thursday classes again, and we've spent time together around our new schedules. I think it's been good for us to spend more focused time together; not so much that we get irritable or seeing each other is no longer special, and also with more purpose, so we really enjoy what we do together.
I've been working on rocketing myself out of my self esteem slump. I emptied out my closet and got rid of over half my clothes, most of which were outdated and ill-fitting. the past week I've been shopping for new, flattering clothes, and enjoying the appreciative comments Brenton's given when I wear them. :)
I also want to get in decent shape. it would be nice to have my body be a strong and well-conditioned as it was meant to be, and not waste my youth anymore. I want to eat better, and take care of myself.
Did I tell you I'm planning on moving out this summer? That might be a bit contradictory to my other goals, as new clothes and healthy foods are expensive, but I am hoping to work more or get another job, as well as spend less where ever I can. Pray for me, will you?
Another goal of mine is to sell my laptop and get a netbook, which is much smaller and lighter but offering everything I need, except maybe a CD drive, and I can live without that. I still haven't bought my new phone, and I'm eying a G1 on ebay. My phone is on it's death bed, I fear. At least, it's getting old and not functioning so well. Sorry if this is haphazard, dear friends. I'm in class and distracted. This professor is a snore. I think I'll leave early, in fact. Ciao!
Sitting in my advertising class, waiting for it to start. Just came from having lunch- and more importantly, a long conversation with Brenton. I think we're (or more likely, I) am getting better at communicating ideas and viewpoints that disagree without getting emotionally tangled or defensive or aggressive or misunderstanding. It was nice, and intellectually refreshing. We talked about Cassi (his ex), and my parents, and Rachel, and why people stay in relationships that don't make them more happy than unhappy, and why Brenton is not one of those people. His arguments and reasons are logical...so maybe that's why is is such an odd creature; most people don't. We came to to conclusion that most people would rather have the happiness they can get, even if that means having more bad than good, because without it, they're neutral, they have nothing, and that's boring. Brent is not like that because he is incapable of being neutral. If his main source of happiness is taken away, he has the capability of creating his own happiness, and of finding it elsewhere. He won't stay in a situation where he is more than 50% unhappy because of that situation. Of course it comes down to statistics with him. :p
Anyway. After our recent concersations about men and the way they think, and my struggle to process all of that, accept it, and be ok with it, I'm finally starting to level out and not want to bash my head in when I look at a situation in this new perspective, or feel really bitter that my hopeful, optimistic girly perspective is a Lie or Stupid or something that is used against me. That's not completely gone yet, but I'm working on it. Sometimes I really wish I could be a lesbian- life would be so much easier. Women just want to be loved, while boys want to be loved and desired and want sex and pride and fun without strings, and to be better than other guys, and not to settle down, for the most part. Stupid boys.
But anyway. I'm doing well, and hope you all are too.
I'll try to update more, there is more going on, but it gets tedious when it's going on in RL, so I don't feel like talking about it here. Just a brief tally of some events: -My mom left for her 3 week trip to Europe today -I started painting more; currently working on a surreal piece of jellyfish and an octopus versus- wait for it... venus flytraps. yeah, it looks about at crazy as it sounds. :) -I hate my job at Kohl's, and need to get another. My mom is pushing me to go to a temp agency and get work through that. It is one of those things I find very hard to get done. Like trying to move a brick wall. That's what it feel like. Ugg.
It's been too long, el jay and associated friends. I miss you. Hope you are doing well. I am.
The rents are out of town for almost two weeks, visiting my favorite aunt up in Virgina just because they had points toward free plane tickets that were going to expire. Wish I could have gone with them, but it cost mulah and I have to work. Finally opened my availability and they gave me a few more hours- almost quadruple this week, actually. Mixed feelings about this, because I am très lazy, but I could use the money.
Been fixing my car for the past few days- she desperately needed a new suspension, and Brenton volunteered. So my garage looks like a toolchest exploded around my jacked-up car. It's frustrating work. I try to help, but sometimes I get in the way more than anything, and when he's stressed, Brent can be shirty about it. But otherwise, we're good. Better lately, if anything. After my horribly botched attempt to explain via letter that I would really like a little Romance and sweetness out of him- a difficult subject, because for one, I am a hopeless, hopeless Romantic and Brenton is pretty much the exact opposite, so I end up feeling starved for romance, and for another, because we have different views of caring for someone, or expressing it, I guess. For example, him fixing my car is a huge, wonderful gift to me, and I really appreciate it; but all the same, buying me flowers would probably mean more to me. This goes against logic, and I'm pretty sure Brenton doesn't see any sense in it. But hey, I can pay a mechanic to fix my car. I can't pay anyone to execute simple acts of romance that have no purpose other than to display affection for someone. Or maybe you can, I don't know. But it wouldn't mean anything unless it came from Brenton. Anyway, I digress. After the Letter Incident, similar to Chernobyl on a scale of Things That Went Well, he actually has been sweeter, and I feel really close to him again. It's amazing how tiny little things can fill me with such satisfaction, such complete happiness. A kiss on my hand. A sleepy-mumbled "I love you". A hand asking to hold mine, when I know he doesn't like holding hands very much. So I am a little torn between knocking my head against the wall repeatedly after the initial letter Incident Reaction, or being reluctantly glad I did it, because it kind of helped...
In other news, and totally out of left field, my father suggested and then set up a 4-day cruise for me ans Brenton. Alone. Talk about odd. It came about when my parents were talking about going on a cruise with an organization my dad belongs to, and I asked if I was invited. This cruise was his counter-offer. I think I can out of top of that one, you guys. So it goes to Nassau and Coco Cay in the Bahamas. In August, a few days after the Coldplay concert I am taking Brenton to for his 21st Birthday. Awesome. For the first time possibly ever, I can't wait for most of summer to be over. :)
That's all I have to say tonight, folks. Let me know how you're doing. <3
So, I thought I was tired after watching Star Wars with Brent, but then I drove home listening to John Mayer and somewhere between then and brushing my teeth I got a boost in energy- the excited, do-something kind. I think it's the thinking about the trip that did it. We leave for Georgia on Thursday,Brenton and I. Visiting his friends Nicole and Drew, celebrating their graduation with them, and then the four of us are going camping in North Carolina. I'm really looking forward to it. I have to remind myself to take a journal with me- I always enjoy writing about trips as they happen.
I'm trying to think of other things going on but everything I come up with is boring or too complicated for the amount of effort I feel like putting into writing it. Brenton is suddenly freaking out every time the word "marriage" or anything related is mentioned, to my bafflement. He's the one who wanted to have the marriage/kids conversation a couple months ago, but now he's skittish if the topic is brought up, in no relation at all to me or him or us? What the hell?
I really don't feel like discussing the insecurity issues this may or may not be giving me. In fact, I think I'll quit this entry while I'm ahead. Suffice it to say, I'm doing okay right now, and I'm really excited for summer. I miss all my friends that have been away at school or just busy, and can't wait to hang out with everyone when I get back from Georgia. Hope you all are doing wellll!
(Also, an observation: one's Asian Drama watching increases exponentially with the introduction of a Drama-watching room mate. :)
ALSO ALSO HEEYYY KIDS. I NEED NEW MUSIC. REC ME SOME PLEASE.
Quick update. I don't really have time for a solid post, but I feel like it. :)
Yesterday was going to suck- I was sure of it. I worked, and had less fun classes, and an appointment with my advisor, and probably wouldn't see Brenton. But! It was actually a pretty good day. Astronomy was awesome, we talked about black holes and the fabric of spacetime- one of my favorite space subjects. I even learned the reason Sunshine was accurate towards the end of the movie- time is slower near large objects, because their gravity bends spacetime. I think this stuff is awesome. Yes, I am a giant nerd.
My Music and the Brian class was a concert by the teacher- a famous Japanese Violinist, and another professor- a pianist. Very cool.
My advisor appointment was neither scary nor worrying. I have a lot of freedom to choose classes, I declared a minor in psychology, and I can apply to the Ad/PR major this summer. Way ahead of schedule. Still need to pick classes, though.
Saw Brent for lunch (well, his lunch. I got a smoothie with a kid from M&B that I ran into that's pretty cool.) and then I was in a good mood, so work wasn't as torturous as usual. Then Brent was waiting for me outside of Kohl's, and we went back t my house, where I finished writing my play for Creative Writing (my last assignment! This is both happy and sad.) And Rachel and I are going to have an Asian Drama marathon tonight. Really excited. Think I'm going to make her watch Devil Beside You, because I heard the theme song on my iPod yesterday, and also, Coffee Prince is down on Mysoju. :/ Think that's it. More to tell, maybe, but that's for another post. A special-locked one, perhaps. Good stuff. :)
Brenton used the phrase "married in the eyes of the lord" tonight, and my heart did a somersault into my stomach. I've heard those words so many times growing up; to hear him say them did strange, lovely things to me. Oh dear.
I've skipped two of three Public relations classes so far this week in favor of seeing him. Granted, PR is a joke of a class, but my good girl principles are not easily overcome.
bouncy
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love is never equal
calm
in love