(no subject)

im new... just looking to make some friends :)
add me?
Name: ashel
Gender: Female
Age: 16
Location: ON, Canda
Eating Disorder: mia with Ana tendancies
Height: 5'6"
Current Weight: 125
Highest Weight: 130
Lowest Weight: 112
Short Term Goal Weight: 110
Long Term Goal Weight: 90-85 (?)
Goal for next month: 115
Size of pants: 2-3
Biggest thinspiration: Mary-Kate Olsen
  • Current Location
    school...
follow the leader

(no subject)

Nothing seems to fill this emptiness i feel within myself. I believe it's love I crave but at the same time when love is there i simply shunt it away. I turn to the blade, that is the only thing that relieves me. Crimson tears shed down my arm, with the marks only to be hidden away the next day. It helps me cope, something i look forward to at college- if i've had an arguement or a shit game then i know exactly where the blade is and where it is going to take the pain away for those few minutes. Oh just one more cut, just one more- is the extra one ever enough? Until i get carted away in an ambulance again the extra one will have to be enough, cannot be having crises teams and psychiatrists surrounding me. People think they understand, or like me they try to hide it away. A close friend buying me a big wrist band to cover up scars, doesn't cover the whole arm i joke-her nervous laughter being the response. I feel empty at the moment, the blade is losing it's touch there never seems to be enough blood spilt- the pain is not leaving me anymore through these crimson tears. There must be an alternative, can anyone name some?
  • Current Mood
    blank blank

(no subject)

sorry i haven't posted in a little while. and the smae thing is posted in all the communities i am a member of, because i am too damn lazy to write something different for each one.
just got back from gymnastics. i can really tell a difference in my strength, and it probably doesnt help that i am taking diet pills. i couldn't get my run or takeoff right, and i just felt like i had no power. not that i am too weak, i was just waaaay off, and i am never THAT off. maybe i shouldn't take diet pills on gymnastics days, or at least only take them in the morning, not afternoon.

i am having flashbacks. i am starting to space out, and i need to cut. abstained from it all day, so i will try and go to bed soon so i don't have to think about it anymore. i think i will try and sleep a lot tomorrow, that way i wont be tempted to eat, and i wont even have to think about it. but if i sleep that much i feel lazy and gross and worthless. my boyfriend keeps telling me that i am losing weight and getting too thin, but how can i be too thin when i still have so much flab?? maybe he is just worried when he is around me because i hardly eat, but even when i do it isn't nearly as much, and of course there are certain tricks and whatever that i ahve to do while i am eating.

actually, i didn't completely avoid SI today - when i was at gymnastics, i purposely did bars without grips so my hands would rip open. i can tell you that no matter how many times i have ripped in the past, it hurts SOOOO bad!! and besides, no one will question how it happened because everyone knows i am a gymnast.

time for a nice hot bath....
Kill China Doll

Don't feed the animals.

Name: Kitten
Gender: Female
Age: 17
Location: New York
Eating Disorder: Anorexia (with purging tendancies)
Height: 5'1.5-is
Current Weight: 116
Highest Weight: Too high, (I was too ashamed to even weigh myself)
Lowest Weight: 107
Short Term Goal Weight: 110
Long Term Goal Weight: 100
Goal for next month: 110
Size of pants: 5?
Favorite quote: "I'm just learning how to smile, thats not easy to do." -Everclear
Biggest thinspiration: In the glamor of Hollywood, I don't really attach names to faces (or in this case, bodies)But I do use random photos to keep myself in line but I don't follow any certain famous figure

Just saying hi and feel free to check out my LJ; it's new and totally devoted to me and my journey. Go ahead and add me if ya want, I like meeting new people especially ones who are in the same boat I am :).
  • Current Mood
    content content

(no subject)

this sucks. i have really been restricting, and although i went a while without cutting, i didlike last week, and ever since then i can't get it out of my head. i want so badly just to slice my wrists and end it all. but at the same time i want to stay here and make everything in my life better. I dont know. the hard part about the SI is that i am a massage therapistso i can't really do it on my arms without my boss and my clients noticing, and i am a competing gymnast so i can't do it on my legs,(or my arms for that matter) cause my coach would notice then, too, since i wear sleeveless leotards. and anywhere else i have tried gets infected because i sweat a lot during those long workouts and i cant take the time during training to do anything for it if it is under my leo. I cant stand it.

an my sis is here right now and she was asking me about it, i just can't tell her that i have started doing all this again. i want her to believe that i am perfectly healthy for the first fucking time in my life.

but hey at least i am losing weight. 8 pounds in the past week.
  • Current Mood
    restless restless