The Worst Damn Sports Show Period

When time travel comes about, it's not going to be noble trips in time to stop Kennedy's assassination, or killing dinosaurs for fun, or finding out who's life your hologram buddy is there to help you fix. When time travel comes about, it will be developed by a company with massive resources, wanting to turn a profit. And time travel will become a tourist industry.

"Oh my gosh, your pilgrim outfits are perfect! I mean, there's no buckles, but still. Oh they are just adorable!"

"Really, game hens for Thanksgiving? Oh you don't call it that yet? Oh ho ho! Oh you will!"

"Look, I'll trade you my iPod for those shoes. Took you that long to make them? Yeah, but this has Jay-Z. It'll blow your mind, man! Am I freaking you out?"

"Your food is so organic. You don't know how lucky you have it!"

And previous generations will be irritated and continue to live as they do, in pre-industrial fashion under constant threat of roaming marauders, dying because of toothaches that got out of hand, and coping with a 25% infant mortality rate. And the world over, various stone architecture will be engraved with the words, "Time Travellers, Stay Thee Away From Our Era! Thou Art Not Welcome!" They will have somehow just always been there, written in perfect English, even by cultures that existed before the language did.

Time travelers… what a bunch of assholes.

Run for office. Promise if you win, everyone gets a lollipop.

Win election.

Announce that you have commission in place to ensure everyone gets a lollipop. Opposition Party is immediately up in arms and doesn't think everyone should get a lollipop*. Supporters wonder if a bag of gummy bears would be a better option.

Realize you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. If you give everyone lollipops as promised, Opposition Party can claim that you aren't supporting the wants and needs millions of countrymen who didn't vote for you and are not accurately representing the country as a whole. If you renege on your campaign promise, then you are a big stinky liar for going back on your campaign platform. Your Supporters will become disenchanted, and Opposition Party will point out that you are not a man or woman of your word.

Plan B: Attempt to Please Everyone

Instead of lollipops, everyone in your nation will be mailed a 3" x 5" card with the word "Lollipop" printed on it. Your Supporters see you as someone who is pandering to the Opposition Party with an empty gesture. Opposition Party is still upset because you are doing something and you shouldn't be doing anything but packing your bags. It also turns out that setting up the system to mail out 3" x 5" cards costs three times as much as giving everyone a lollipop.

No-one is happy.

Go on national television and explain that it will take six years to mail out all the 3" x 5" cards, and you are only in office for four years unless you get re-elected HINT HINT. If everyone wants their 3" x 5" card, it may behoove them to re-elect you, otherwise Opposition Party may take over and then everyone gets nothing.

Ten years later go on a speaking tour and complain about how politics prevented you from getting anything done.

Lather. Vote. Repeat.

* - If you are a liberal candidate, Opposition Party claims that George Washington didn't eat lollipops and the words "Lollipop", "Tootsie Pop", or "DumDums" do not appear in the Constitution. If you are a conservative candidate, Opposition Party will point out that lollipops are manufactured by large soulless corporations and can contribute to diabetes. If you are a centrist, expect all of the above.

I may have spoken to you about scary production logos in the past (I've certainly linked to them enough times), and perhaps you thought me insane. "It's just something at the end of the show! Who cares?" When you're six, loud synthesizer tones mixed with an animated synthetic creation can seem like a demon from the pits of hell. And you know what? I am not alone! This informative video shows how just one has burned its mark on the psyches of many children, who as adults are still dealing with the emotional toll:



(via Deus Ex Malcontent)

It's been a while. So make sure you

Don't Look

-- Schwa ---

My fears of what will happen as Gen X ages, replacing middle aged tie-dyed hippie Boomers has been realized!

Hey everybody! Mez got her first multiple copyright violation today. Here's what she has to say.

"So this motherfucker, www.myspace.com/derektattoos, has one of my pieces in his portfolio. You might want to see if he's using your hard work to drum up business as well. And please, repost the shit out of this so that everyone can see what scum sucking ass he is.

Not fucking cool.

He's also using some of my older work in his portfolio on rankmytattoos.com, under the user name of Dkastning. Who knows how much of the interwebs he's abused.

---Mez"

Go ahead and take a look at his awesome "portfolio" here http://www.rankmytattoos.com/tatto… then check out some of Mez's flickr images:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/mezde…
http://www.flickr.com/photos/mezde…
http://www.flickr.com/photos/mezde…
http://www.flickr.com/photos/mezde…

The neat thing is, on at least two of these we can get photos of the person with the tattoo if need be as they live in town.

Today, Mez is on the final day of one of the busiest weeks of her life. This morning I told her I would pick up the house this afternoon*, since we would likely get a house showing tomorrow morning at 9:00am preventing her from sleeping in, because the universe is just funny like that. We haven't had a showing in a week or so, and I had nothing to base it off of, other than chaos has a tendency to clump.

Got the call five minutes ago. My prediction was off by forty-five minutes.

Not that I'm complaining. A showing is always a good thing, and this will be the first one since one of the gutters was fixed and a window resealed, so now prospective home buyers won't have water damage to look at right next to the front door before they even go inside the house.

* - Haven't yet, as I'm busy restoring files off my boss' hard drive as his motherboard got fried this weekend

This is so awesome it has to be fake.

SCENE. A subarban kitchen. Two teenage brothers, BILLY and BOBBY enter the kitchen after a game of soccer outside. BILLY is carrying a soccer ball. BOBBY is opening the fridge door.

BILLY: Man, that was quite a soccer match. I'm so thirsty I could drink a horse!

BOBBY (Reaching into the fridge and grabbing a couple cans of CORN-BASED ETHANOL ENERGY AND VITAMIN TONICS. BOBBY tosses one to BILLY who catches it): Here, have some energy tonic!

BILLY (With a skeptical look on his face): He-e-e-e-y... isn't this made with ethanol? I thought you cared about being healthy enough to play soccer.

BOBBY (Smugly): What are you talking about?

BILLY (Like an annoying know-it-all): Well, you know what they say about corn-based ethanol, right?

BOBBY: No, what?

BILLY (Stammering): Uh. Well. Uh. DURRRRRR! DURRRRRRRRRR! DOIDY DOIDY DURRRRRR!

BOBBY: Relax! It's just corn!

BILLY (Relieved from the stress of attempting to cite a single fact, pops open his can of CORN-BASED ETHANOL ENERGY AND VITAMIN TONIC and takes a swig): Aaahhhh. Not bad!

BOBBY: And I thought you were supposed to be the smart one, big brother!

BILLY: Aw you, get over here you little fart! (BILLY grabs BOBBY and gives him noogies!)

Logo for CORN-BASED ETHANOL ENERGY AND VITAMIN TONIC flashes on the screen, as well as a website. Happy, folksy acoustic guitar plays.

NARRATOR: Before you panic, get the facts! CORN-BASED ETHANOL ENERGY AND VITAMIN TONIC is made with corn.

BILLY (vomiting): OH GOD IT BURNS!

-- Schwa ---